Huge thanks to Nadreth, red2013, and auntof3 for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted this.

The next morning Alexis was quietly working in the kitchen when she saw Ryan sit up on the couch and rub his hands through his disheveled hair before standing and stretching. A yawn escaped him and he turned to look to the kitchen where Alexis smiled brightly and waved him over. He shuffled over and dropped down onto a bar stool and groaned as his body protested the movements.

Alexis began to make coffee and left him alone while he tried to get his mind and body to begin to function. Once Ryan was drinking the warm brew he seemed to wake up more and rolled his shoulders as the stiffness from the beating the day before hit him.

"Oh my God, what happened to your neck?" she suddenly asked.

Ryan suppressed a shiver when her fingers gently touched the angry marks on his neck, "Had a run in with an acquaintance yesterday."

She nodded and pulled back before sitting down next to him and just staring. Figuring he must be a mess he allowed it and kept his gaze forward while she took in his profile. "I heard you and Detective Esposito had a fight yesterday. Did you guys work it out or did you break up?"

Ryan shook his head, "I'd say we're as good as done but I don't know, kind of hard to say after I gave him a bloody nose."

"Wait, you mean you fought? I thought it was just an argument."

He took a sip of his coffee, "It started as one but ended as a fight. He said some things that hurt really badly. Still no excuse though, I shouldn't have hit him."

Alexis jumped up and grabbed some ice cream and two spoons before sitting back down. "Before you say anything ice cream is acceptable for every meal and necessary when talking about relationship problems. Now tell me everything."

Ryan looked uncomfortable but began speaking and found that the completely open look Alexis was giving him made it quite easy to spill his secrets. He waited for disgust to cover her face when he spoke about his past transgressions but it never came. When he finished Alexis jumped up and hugged him tightly. "I'm glad you're alive Kevin, you're an exceptional person. You've been through so much and I appreciate you trusting me enough to tell me all this."

Surprised he just stayed still until she sat back down, "You're not scared of me? Disgusted? Anything?"

"Not at all, if you were going to kill me you would have already," she replied simply.

He laughed and shook his head as the two descended into silence and finished off the ice cream. She licked her spoon and set it down, "You have to do what's best for you but I think you should give Detective Esposito another chance. Sometimes people say things that they don't mean and men are pretty dense sometimes, no offense. He loves you and I know you love him. Speaking of I thought you were gay."

"Nah. I like women but I can appreciate men. Javi's a special guy."

They both looked over when Castle entered the room dressed for the day and greeted them cheerily. He pointed to the ice cream container on the counter, "Ice cream party and you didn't invite me?"

Alexis smiled and shoulder bumped Ryan, "Sorry, just a two person party dad."

"So what's on the agenda today?" he asked as he poured himself some orange juice. After Alexis responded with school and a study session at the library afterwards his gaze slid to Ryan.

"Me?" At Castle's nod he shrugged, "I guess apartment hunt."

Before Castle could even respond Alexis grabbed his arm, "You don't have to leave right away."

Ryan smiled softly at her, "While I thank you and your dad for putting me up last night I still need to find my own place. It's not safe for me to be here."

A knock on the door grabbed Castle's attention and he walked away from the pair. He opened the door and his eyebrows rose before he announced, "Esposito please, come in."

Ryan stared down at the counter with an angry expression while Alexis glared at the new arrival. Castle forced a smile through all the awkwardness and walked over to Alexis, "Why don't we go grab some breakfast honey?"

"I already ate," she said as she moved between Ryan and Esposito and crossed her arms defensively.

Castle grabbed her hand and drug her away, "Of course you have honey, we'll go do…something… Bye!" The door slammed shut leaving Ryan still sitting at the bar and Esposito approaching slowly.

"Hey Kev."

Ryan rolled his eyes and released a huff before slamming his hands down on the counter and standing up. He walked over to the couch and began grabbing his clothes before stuffing them in a backpack but when he turned to leave his way was blocked. "Get out of my way Esposito."

"Just hear me out bro then I'll let you go. Five minutes, that's all I'm asking."

"Why should I give you anything? We're over, leave it alone. I'll get my stuff out today," he snapped as he again tried to move around him unsuccessfully. Holding back on his warring emotions he sucked in a steadying breath and looked up at him. "Move before I make you move."

Esposito relented and took a step to the side but the quiet, "Please" did the trick his actions couldn't.

Ryan paused by the end of the couch and shook his head in exasperation before sitting down on the couch and crossing his arms, "Fine, five minutes."

He knew that Ryan meant it that he would only get five minutes so he quickly launched into his apology. "First off I need to talk to you about your view of me because I think it's skewed. I'm not perfect and I think in your mind you kind of expect me to be and that's putting me in shoes I can't fill. Everything I have I worked for and it didn't come easy because I fought myself every step of the way. My dad wasn't around growing up and my mom had to work two jobs to support my brothers and I so it left me alone quite a bit. I have a record; assault, resisting arrest, unlawful possession, and some other things. I guess what I'm trying to say is even though it doesn't seem like it, I can kind of see where you're coming from and all I'm asking is that you do the same. I'm not Captain America, I'm only human and humans are flawed."

Ryan never moved but his expression changed from pissed to slightly thoughtful. It was true he held Javier in very high regard making it that much worse when he seemed to fall from grace. Maybe he had been unfair in that regard.

"As for yesterday, what I said was out of line. It was rude and unnecessary and I wish I could take it back but I can't. You were right, I don't know what your life was like. No one does but you and we all have our crosses to bear and I have to respect yours. I can't just act like it didn't happen but I know that's not you."

Ryan suddenly kicked out his leg and caught Esposito's, instantly dropping him to the carpet where he promptly jumped on top of him and held his balisong to his neck. "And what's me Javi? Tell me what the real Kevin Ryan is like."

Esposito looked into the blue eyes he adored, and stayed still while the knife sat stiff against his throat. His heart rate was slow and his pupils weren't dilated, no indications of fear or anxiety present because finally after spending so much time with Ryan he had been expecting the emotional whiplash. "Lost and more afraid than he lets on. I don't think he even knows what he's like because he's never gotten to be himself. I think the only time I ever see the real Kevin Ryan is when he feels safe, which isn't very damn often. I think he latches onto whoever he can that can make him forget everything even for a little while. I think he's dorky, and adorable, and more of a badass than I realized. How am I doing?"

Ryan scoffed and the blade trembled slightly in his grip, "What about pathetic weak little Kevin that enjoys hurting people? Can you seriously handle the fact I murdered seven people? I almost beat one of them to death before I killed him. I'm not a righteous man, I'm not anything like you even with your so called flaws and I never will be. I could kill you right now and it would just be another notch in my belt."

"But you won't," he said quietly as he swallowed, wincing when the blade pressed harder into his skin. "Because even though I've hurt you, I've never hurt you before." He watched Ryan scrunch his brow in thought and knew he would realize that it was true, that he had never caused him physical pain. Even when he had attacked him Esposito had only tried to get him away, never throwing a punch himself. Why hadn't he noticed that before?

When Ryan spoke his voice wavered unwillingly, "Just stop ok? In all my years with the mob I have never felt as exhausted since I met you. You are the most infuriating, demanding, pain in the ass I have ever met. What you said was brutal, I can't just forget it and it just made it so much worse that it was you who said it. I did what you wanted and then you were pissed about it, it's just a lose lose for me. I mean did you ever honestly even love me?"

Esposito swallowed past the lump in his throat and nodded before meeting the blue eyes he loved. "Kev, don't ever doubt my love for you. I could never use you for anything, and I'm so sorry for everything I said. When everything was said and done I should have had your back and I left you hanging and all I can say is it'll never happen again. I love you."

The seconds seemed to crawl by, Esposito waiting for the response that would either make everything better or completely devastate him and Ryan's eyes weren't giving any indication of his thoughts. Just as he began to prepare for the worst Ryan flipped the knife closed and laid his head down on the other man's chest listening to the familiar heartbeat. "I love you too. Take me away Javi," he whispered as he hugged him tighter.

Esposito sighed and wrapped his arms around his on-again boyfriend's warm body and lifted his head to kiss his forehead. "I can't do that, I wish I could but I can't. I'm going to make this better though; I'm going to get everybody you told us about. Especially Conor." Ryan clenched his hands in the fabric of Esposito's shirt in response, not caring he was wrinkling it.

"I belong to them," he said in a haunted tone. "It'll never be over, Conor will find me."

"You belong to me," he said sharply and mentally cursed himself for letting that slip out. Ryan wasn't a thing to be owned but a person to be loved. He was surprised when Ryan looked at him earnestly and asked if he really meant it. This was apparently something they needed to discuss, he really needed to work on his self esteem, but for right now if it would make him feel better he would allow it.

"You're mine Kevin, I love you."

Done with talking Esposito's hands rose and grasped Ryan's face before leaning forward and capturing his lips, the familiar feeling of soft lips and rough stubble comforting them both. Hands roamed and the kiss deepened, Esposito hissing when Ryan bit his bottom lip. Javier rolled them over so he was on top and bit back a moan when Ryan grabbed his belt loops and pulled his hips down.

"We need to stop. They could come back any minute," he said nervously. He considered Castle a good friend but there were definitely things he did not need him to see.

Soft hands, hands that shouldn't feel so sinfully delicate crept up under Javier's shirt and carefully traced the planes of his back before his blunt fingernails scraped down his spine. His head was spinning and he fought to get words out of his muddled brain but with Ryan dry humping him and trying to wrestle him out of his shirt it was proving difficult. "Kev we can't… we're at Castle's."

Ryan completely ignored him as his hands tried to get Esposito's jeans undone but with absolutely no help from the other man all he could do was let out frustrated noises. "Javi!" he finally cried in exasperation. "Castle is not stupid, he's going to give us time to either kill each other or fuck each other and you're killing our make up sex. Stop. Talking."

Both men stared at each other before they began to laugh. "You're right. Sorry."

Esposito leaned back on his knees and slid off Ryan's pants before kicking his own off, grinning when Ryan impatiently pulled off his own shirt and stared at him expectantly. Leaning forward again he attached his lips to Ryan's soft belly right above his right hipbone and sucked gently, his hands wrapping around the Irishman's arms to keep him from moving. He knew the spot was ticklish, that it rode the fine line between making him want to giggle adorably and moan in ecstasy and he used it to torture him.

When he felt Ryan begin to tremble, his muscles sliding under his skin as he tensed against his lips he finally moved his affections up across his navel and chest and settled on his neck right over the tattoo that Ryan had had for the past fourteen years. His tongue licked over the design and with everything he was he wished he could lick it clean off and free him from the shackles that weighed down his soul.

Ryan gasped when Esposito finally pressed against him and even though the thin fabric of their boxers was between them he couldn't help the loud moan that escaped his lips. He was so hard it hurt and when he met the deep chocolate eyes he loved he could see that Javier knew what he was doing to him and the knowledge that he was purposely being tortured made him ache more than he already was.

Esposito finally relented when Ryan whined, actually whined and bucked his hips up. After freeing them both from the material that separated them he carefully and gently slid into his love and watched as Ryan stared at the ceiling with a strained expression. "You ok?"

"Yeah," he squeaked.

"Good," was the only warning Kevin got before Javier snapped his hips forward and buried himself inside his warmth.

He had really planned on drawing this out but with Ryan underneath him moaning like a fucking porn star and meeting him thrust for thrust he wasn't going to last long. Tightening his grip on his partner's narrow hips he lifted him a little and the effect was immediate. Ryan was spewing curses and moaning and shouting his name and Castle's neighbors were definitely going to think the writer had started to branch out in his sexual escapades but he couldn't bring himself to care about that right now.

He slapped Ryan's hand away when he tried to grab himself and after grabbing him snugly he trust a few more times and they were both coming hard. Ryan unraveled beneath him, back arching off the floor as a final broken curse burst from his lips.

They stayed locked together for a few blissful minutes as they came down from their high, the serene silence finally broken when Ryan suddenly shoved him away. With hurt eyes he looked at Ryan who was just shaking his head and mumbling something before he quickly dressed and stood to grab his bag. "Kev what's wrong?"

"I can't keep doing this. I just... this isn't working. I'm sorry, I have to go."

Quickly pulling on his pants he stood, "What? Where? What just happened, I thought we were fine."

Ryan kept walking to the door but answered. "We both keep playing with fire and it's not fair to either of us. We both just keep getting burned. I love you Javi, more than you know but I can't keep doing this. You deserve more than I can give."

"Where are you going?" He never got an answer as the door opened and closed swiftly. Pushing down the panic that was rising in him he quickly redressed and ran out of the apartment trying to find him. He barely caught him before he climbed into a cab and jerked him back onto the sidewalk. "Talk to me, you can't just leave me like that."

Ryan looked up at him without anger, only a hint of fear and sadness present. "Don't make this hard please. This won't work and you need to just let it go."

Knowing this was his only chance to change his mind he grabbed him into a kiss, pouring all his emotion into it. "Kevin I love you and I won't let you push me away. I don't know what your reasons are but if they're what I think they are you're wrong. You said I deserve more but I don't want more or less or anything else, just you. I will not die because I'm with you, nothing is going to happen to either of us. You can try to push me away but I'm not going anywhere. I'll fight you tooth and nail to the bitter end. You've got to stop trying to push me away because it's not working and the sooner you realize that the easier it'll be for both of us."

Ryan stared down at the concrete deep in thought before finally taking a small step forward and leaning into Esposito's chest. "You love me that much?"

"That much Kev. Now can we please finally go home and stop with all this chick flick stuff?"

His answer came in the form of a slug to the arm and a small grin.

Over the course of the next few days everything for once was calm and easy. Esposito woke and went to work at the precinct while Ryan stayed in the apartment where it was safe. Nights were spent together eating meals that Ryan cooked and even though Esposito wished it could stay this way for a while he knew it was unrealistic. Ryan wasn't a house wife and he loved to socialize meaning that this calm they had found would not last but Esposito prayed it would at least hold until after they executed the raid on the mob. If they could only get past that Ryan could be free to do whatever he chose whenever he chose.

On a balmy evening Esposito entered the apartment and his eyebrows lifted minutely in curiosity when he saw Ryan sitting at his table with all the gun cases that were usually under the bed scattered around him. He closed and locked the door and set dinner on the counter before walking over and peering over his boyfriend's shoulder. Two shotguns and a .308 lay in their open cases and on a towel directly in front of him four pistols lay gleaming. He had known that the cases contained guns but he had no idea which ones. "I swear to God Kev. You're a felon, you are not allowed to have these."

Ryan looked up at him and grinned, "You going to take 'em Javi?"

"No," he sighed and sat down next to him looking over the weapons and accessories. The guns were all high grade and spotless, obviously well taken care of. It was the pistol he was cleaning that caught his attention the most though. It was a Colt 1911 and it was gorgeous, completely black with silver accents, fully engraved down the slide. Something about the way Ryan handled it told him that this was a very special gun, his hands moved almost lovingly over the cool metal as he reassembled it.

"That's it isn't it? That's the gun you use for hits," he said quietly.

Ryan stilled and held the gun a little tighter and pulled it protectively to his chest. "Why ask questions you already know the answers to?"

He should have known Ryan wouldn't give him a straight answer. "That's an expensive silencer, both of them are," he said as he peered at the long tubes. "Why are you cleaning everything?" he asked.

His boyfriend closed and began to lock all the cases, "Just good to keep them in working order whether they get used or not. After talking about everything recently I figured I might as well get them taken care of." When he got to his .45 he picked up the magazine and began to slide hollow points in one by one, "She's retired, just like me. It feel's disrespectful to not keep her spotless and ready though."

"Why a .45 instead of a 9mm? You only get eight shots."

"Why would I need seventeen shots?" he countered. "I'd rather have something that causes more damage because I know I'm not going to miss."

Esposito stayed quiet and watched him eventually slide the magazine in but not put one in the chamber. He placed the gun in the case and glanced over when Esposito asked, "Can I see it?"

He hesitated before shaking his head, "I love you but no. You don't need to touch something like that, no matter how clean it looks it'll always have blood on it and I don't want that on your hands."

"I understand," he said. "You a good shot with the .308?"

Ryan nodded, "Perfect with all of them, no point in having a gun if you can't hit anything with it."

Esposito shifted a little uncomfortably, "And have you hit a lot with it?"

Ryan heard the unspoken question and carefully avoided eye contact. "Just targets mostly, it's a fun gun to shoot. I have hit… a couple things I've aimed at though."

This conversation could get ugly fast so with a deep breath and a smile he rose and kissed the top of his head. "You ready for dinner?"

Ryan nodded and after putting all the guns and everything back where they belonged he walked to the table and smiled excitedly, "Chinese?"

"Of course."