Would love to know what you think of this chapter. Since I'm not a psychologist and have never taken a psychology class, writing scenes like these are tricky. Nate is a busy man...
Another week went by. Nate kept patiently trying to speak again with Callen, Sam and Deeks. He didn't have much luck. Kensi seemed a little more herself, although still irritated that Deeks and the rest of the men didn't really communicate with her or each other. When she wasn't out in the field with the B team on a case, she spent time in ops with Nell and Eric.
Nate had managed to have a session with Eric and Nell, separately. As he had suspected, they hadn't been traumatized nearly as much as the others by the Siderov case. They had heard and seen a lot through the comms the team wore in the field, but it hadn't affected them in the same way. Mostly Eric and Nell were concerned for their teammates, and wanting to get things back to the way they used to be. Nate let them know that things may never be the way they were before, but things could certainly improve. Like he had with Kensi, he encouraged them to not give up on anyone. There was a lot of healing to be done yet.
By the end of the week, Nate decided he needed a new approach with the men. He wasn't getting anywhere by trying to get them up in his office to talk. He knew they all had demons they were refusing to face, and their careers would be in jeopardy if it went on much longer. Friday afternoon he came up with a plan. He would be working through the weekend, but it didn't matter. Their well-being was more important. Plus, he had no social life since he and Rose weren't speaking yet.
Saturday morning Nate woke up early. He dressed casually, grabbed some breakfast, and headed out. He drove past an apartment complex and slowed down to see if a certain red car was in the lot. It was not, so he continued on to his final destination. Nate parked his car and started walking across the sand. He had a strong hunch that even though the surfing had not been resumed yet, his intended target would be here anyway. This was a safe place for him. After a brief survey of the beach, Nate saw him sitting in the sand off to the far left, his dog Monty lying by his side. They appeared to be looking out over the water silently. Slowly Nate strolled over closer to Deeks, not wanting to startle him. He was about eight feet away and a little behind him when he heard Deeks start talking.
"I really screwed things up, didn't I boy?" Deeks said as he scratched his furry friend behind the ears. Monty turned his head and looked questioningly at his human companion.
"Look at me. It's a beautiful morning and I'm sitting on the sand. I can't bring myself to get back on my board. Pretty pathetic," he continued.
Nate stood very still, just listening and taking mental notes. He didn't want to interrupt this moment of honesty that Deeks was having with his dog.
"You know Kensi asked us to come over last night," Deeks continued. At the mention of his partner's name, Monty perked up and his tail began to wag. "Yes, she invited you, too. I just blew her off. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The woman of my dreams invites me over to her house and I can't even talk to her. All because of one kiss. Talk about messed up." He paused. "I wish you could speak, Monty. You're the only one I can talk to, the only one I can share with. I could really use some feedback though, and some advice. I know I can't keep going on like this, but I don't know what to do." Deeks hung his head in his hands.
"Maybe you could give me another chance? I would really like to help, or at least listen," Nate finally spoke up. He took a few steps closer to the duo and sat down on the other side of Monty.
"Hey. I don't remember having anything scheduled with you today. What are you doing here?" Deeks asked, more curious than angry.
"I got the feeling you weren't comfortable in my office. I thought I would come to you, to a place where you are comfortable. I just want to help Deeks," Nate explained, then paused. He reached over and pet Monty. "And I can do more than turn my head and wag my tail, if you'd like."
Deeks sighed. Nate wouldn't give up, and he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a really, really annoying thing. "What am I supposed to talk to you about?" he asked the shrink.
"Whatever you'd like. It's all up to you," Nate replied. The two men sat there on the sand, staring out at the sparkling water for a few moments before Deeks finally spoke up.
"It really sucks, you know? It's something that is stuck in my head and no matter what I can't get rid of it," he said.
Nate nodded but stayed quiet, sensing that Deeks needed uninterrupted time to unload.
"I only show up for work because I need the money. But that's the worst place to be because I see him and everything reminds me of what happened."
"Who is 'him'? Who do you see?" Nate gently asked.
"Sam." Deeks looked at Nate as he said the ex-SEAL's name.
After three hours on the beach, Deeks and Nate ended up having a better session than in the office. Deeks admitted many things to Nate about his feelings regarding Sam: how much it had hurt him to hear Sam verbally attack his character, and yet how easy it had been to make the decision to drop his weapon and dive in after Sam in that pool; how he endured the excruciating pain of every minute in that awful chair Siderov tortured him in, just so he could prove to Sam how very wrong he had been. Finally, Deeks talked about his partner. He told Nate about the kiss on the ridge before the swimming pool incident, and how Kensi's reaction had hurt more than anything. He admitted how he really felt about Kensi – how he had been in love with her for a long time now and had been patiently waiting for her to be ready for more of a relationship. Deeks voiced his concerns about working with her now, feeling rejected like he did, and about continuing with NCIS in general.
Nate listened to everything Deeks had to say; only asking questions for clarification or to get Deeks to open up a bit more. After the detective seemed to exhaust the list of things on his mind, Nate spoke up. He told Deeks that in order to start healing, he recommended having a conversation with Sam. It could be a private talk or with others present – whatever he was most comfortable with. Nate also suggested that Deeks needed to speak with Kensi. There was no way to know what she was thinking or feeling without speaking directly to her. It was important for his healing as well, and for the future of their partnership and at the very minimum, work relationship.
Deeks seemed to honestly consider Nate's advice. "I know you mean well, Nate, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for those conversations just yet," Deeks softly admitted.
"There's no rush. Have them when you are ready, but don't give up on your teammates. There are a lot of people who care about you and just want to be here for you. Don't push anyone away." Nate stood up and brushed the sand off his shorts. He and Deeks exchanged farewells, and then Nate returned to his car.
After enjoying a leisurely lunch at a café near the beach, Nate went in search of his next self-imposed weekend appointment. He drove over to the Venice Beach area first. He got out and walked around for a bit, observing people as he wandered among the shops and vendors always present. Unsuccessful after an hour and a half, Nate got back in his car and drove to another part of town. He parked and walked across the street, up to the front door of a home. He knocked and waited. After a couple minutes the door slowly opened and G Callen peered out suspiciously.
"Hey Callen. Did I catch you at a bad time?"
"I'm not busy if that's what you're asking," Callen answered in a somewhat aggravated tone.
"Great. I thought maybe we could chat, even if it's just a little bit," Nate offered.
"Here?" Callen never invited people over to his home, and even Sam would call before just showing up.
"Here is fine, unless there is somewhere else you'd prefer."
Callen sighed. "You aren't going to leave until I agree to talk with you, are you?"
"Not likely," Nate replied. "I have no plans for my weekend, so I can hang out as long as it takes."
Callen made a face and relented. He invited Nate inside and closed the door. He looked around at the sparse furnishings – one chair and a lamp in the living room – and chose to take a seat on the floor against the wall, stretching out his long legs.
"Hetty said this house has special significance to you," Nate recalled, trying to start the conversation.
Callen sat in the only chair across the room from Nate. "Yeah. It's from an actual happy moment in my childhood. Possibly the only one."
Nate nodded but didn't speak. He only knew the basics of Callen's childhood – the frequency of moves and the number of foster homes. He had heard bits and pieces of his family history in Europe, but Callen himself had never brought up his history or his childhood years. This was new for him to talk about it.
After a little more small talk, Callen offered Nate a beer. The two men sat quietly enjoying a beer together. Cautiously so as not to scare him off, Nate started to ask a few questions of Callen. The senior agent answered, sometimes with only a few words and other times expanding more. As the afternoon wore on, Callen started to reveal his feelings of guilt about everything that happened. He felt that everything was his fault and everyone on the team hated him. Because of those feelings, he couldn't bring himself to look at his co-workers much less talk with them. When asked about it, he admitted that he regretted bringing Janvier into the case. Every single day that voice of regret whispered inside his head and wouldn't let him forget. Callen also hinted at thoughts of going to a different agency. He wasn't sure if he was welcome or useful at NCIS anymore. He felt almost defeated by everything that had taken place and by the memories that wouldn't leave him alone. He had failed his team.
Nate had never heard Callen talk like that. G Callen had always been the one who encouraged the others on his team, the one who was confident and carried on no matter what. The man in front of him had been carrying a heavy burden. Nate let him know that it was ok to reconsider his decisions on the case, so that he could make better decisions in the future. However, the whispers of regret and defeat that he heard were lies, and Nate told Callen that he did not need to believe them anymore. His identity and worth were not defined by what happened in the past. He was still a great agent with a lot to offer NCIS and his teammates, and there was no reason for him to leave. There were a lot of people who loved him and cared about him. Nate encouraged Callen to start talking to his team – his friends – again, and not shut them out. He suggested starting with small things or safe topics, such as a basketball game in the gym or the lunch menu at a nearby diner. Callen slowly nodded his head, taking in Nate's words and advice.
"Callen," Nate said, looking directly at the man, "thank you for trusting me with everything you just shared. I know it was not easy for you, so I really appreciate your honesty." He assured Callen that their conversation would be kept confidential, just as if they had been at the office. He also recommended that Callen come speak with him more often, so they could continue working towards healing. Nate reminded him that they could talk anywhere that Callen was comfortable, whether it was at his home again, the office, the beach, or wherever. Even though G Callen had made some good progress that afternoon, Nate was not ready to clear him for active field work.
"Thank you for finding me, Nate," Callen said as he shook his hand at the door.
"You're not lost, Callen. I'm just meeting you where you are." Nate smiled and walked to his car.
A/N: part of Callen and Nate's conversation was inspired by lyrics from the song "Hello My Name Is" by Matthew West.
Nate's plan seemed to have worked out fairly well. One more man left to talk with, which means Nate's weekend isn't over yet. Chapter 7 will bring Nate and Sam together, and then a big, honest, much-needed Densi talk!