Chapter 18

WARNING: suicidal attempt and angst.

~*~…xIIIx…~*~

Cause when you're feeling weak

You know I'm strong enough

…

Oh, let the world crash

Love can take it

Love can take a little

Love can give a little more

…

I'll stand beside you

Never leave through it all

And faith will bring a way

To the impossible

~ A Little More by Skillet

Depression. It was the inner monstrosity that chained him, hurt his agonising heart as though a strong hand were holding it with an inhuman strength; he opened his eyes in the morning dreading the day, hoping his heart would stop. It hurt, the sickening ache in his chest that threatened to break him, threatened to spill those tears he could not cry. His soul quivered inside, he felt it dimming as the seconds passed, he felt it tearing apart becoming nothing; it thirsted for the one who once gripped him from perdition, saved him from the empty road in which he walked and he knew that one day his life would end. The rumours at school had spread faster than expected, Lisa was being regarded as the vermin she was and even her friends daren't speak to her more than necessary for fear the student body would harm them. Dean became accustomed in a few days of the judging fingers pointed his way, the disappointed looks thrown at him and he felt lonely. His friends were no longer, Jo who was his other closest friend had abandoned him refusing to even look into his eyes and search for the truth, Gabriel would not be seen any place Dean would be, his parents would not look at him, Sam would glare his way quietly and leave.

The cool breeze caressed through his hair as he stood on the roof of the school building, the height was not something to frighten him, it was a welcoming sensation to think how far it was from the ground, how much it would hurt to fall off; the thought of a gory death sent a cold, thrilling shiver throughout him, yet he was not scared. He placed a smile on his face because it was the only thing he could do to hide the pain and he created images in his mind, his body lying on the ground as the blood spilled gracefully staining the concrete, he imagined his soul standing next to its body satisfied of being gone. It was a lie, a fabrication from those with false hopes whom always said, 'things get better, son. This happens, this happens and it will be alright.' it was rather vexing to hear those words, in honesty, he wished to put a bullet through anyone's head who spoke them; 'you are simply going through a phase, you are a child, you do not know about life, you complain and become depressed over the simplest things.' but if none of this happened while young, how is he supposed to know what life means? What is the pain and learn from it, become stronger? It was all lies created by those who are older to justify themselves, pity themselves and not the ones who need it.

His feet had carried him to the roof of the building and he stood on the edge looking up the sky because it reminded him of Castiel, the innocent Angel who had come to love him despite his undeserving life, so flawed and filthy; he closed his eyes enjoying the soft breeze whispering in his ear and the embrace of the sun rays around him.

"I am not afraid to fly anymore…" he whispered into the wind with broken smile.

…~*~……

"Try this one, perhaps you'll like it." Gabriel smiled at Castiel holding a coffee cup in his hand, Colombian coffee with Irish cream and four spoonful of sugars specially prepared by Gabriel himself.

"Gabriel, I said I do not want coffee."

"Just try it, it's good. Pleaaaase?" he pouted in a futile attempt for Castiel to accept it, the younger boy rolled his eyes and ignored the cup of coffee that had been placed in front of him. "You know, sweets might lighten your spirits, Cassie, here have some jellybeans." Gabriel took from his pocket in his blazer a small bag filled with multicoloured jellybeans.

"Gabriel, please, I do not want anything, please let me read without being disturbed."

"You're so rude…" Gabriel sighed looking at his feet. "Sorry, I'll go."

"Gabriel…" Castiel stood up feeling the guilt inside knowing his brother was simply trying to help him. "I apologise, please stay. I did not mean to be rude."

"I know…" Castiel walked closer towards Gabriel, "I wish I could make you smile like when we were younger, it feels like shit knowing I can't even do that anymore and it hurts, Castiel, it hurts to watch you fall apart this way. Look at you, you hardly ever eat…I don't know what to do anymore, I can't go on another day having to see how broken you are." Gabriel stood in front of his brother, the pain in his eyes was sincere as a tear threatened to spill, Castiel wrapped his arms around the older boy and both stood in silence. They could feel themselves tremble as they embraced each other awfully close, Gabriel could not stop the few tears from his eyes but Castiel was empty, there was nothing left in him to cry, nothing but the pain.

"I will become stronger, Gabriel. I am really sorry…" they let go and sat down on the sofa in front of them, the library was terribly quiet at the moment even though there were a few students at a distance. Gabriel leaned into his brother placing his head on Castiel's shoulder, it was a form of comfort of theirs which no one understood, simply feeling each other's presence was enough knowing they were physically present as support. Castiel ran his fingers through Gabriel's hair as he read his book, he learned from a young age that it was soothing, it calmed him enough for the boy to even fall asleep sometimes.

The bell for class rang, Gabriel stood up to leave giving his brother a fond smile and Castiel returned it. The library was empty now, the librarian sat behind her desk distracted by a book; he turned to leave but something or someone grasped his arm.

"Castiel." a soft voice spoke to him, it was unexpected, he turned his head towards the owner of the voice. "Hi…" he recognised the shy girl standing in front of him and he gave her a smile in courtesy.

"Lelaina, hello. May I help you?" she looked around the room hesitantly before walking to a table and sat down, Castiel joined her afterwards.

"I feel this is important for you to know, I don't know, but I hope it is." she shrugged looking down. "You know, these people…" she paused looking towards the door, "forget we are all flawed humans and quickly point a finger to judge as someone falls, they forget we are born from sin and we die in sinning, even the innocent perish in their judgement." she gave a small smile. "That day, I'm not sure why I was there but somehow, I am glad I was." she paused, her eyes focused on the open book in front of her as if pensive. "I believe Dean is not at fault completely."

"Why is that?" he lowered his eyes.

"I was in the school gym when I saw Gordon Walker hiding, it appeared he was spying on someone, I don't know who but he seems to hate that person so much." she sighed, "I heard him telling Lisa to seduce him." her eyebrows furrowed as her eyes lay on him awaiting his reaction, Castiel's eyes widened for a moment before anger took over him.

"While seeking revenge, dig two graves…one for yourself." he growled, his fists on his sides, ire burned in him fiercely making him physically quiver as he turned to leave.

"Please be careful, Castiel and I don't think Dean should be the one to blame." she stood up and gave him a smile as turning to leave also.

"Lelaina." she paused and turned to face him, "Thank you." he nodded with a small smile and she smiled back.

~o~,.,o0o,.,~o~

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

…

I'm barely holding on to you

~Broken by Lifehouse

He was being hunted in his dreams, tortured endlessly for the past days waking up multiple times during the night; his eyes were tired, his lack of sleep hindered his ability to function properly and it was worst dealing with the emotional catastrophe inside of him. He set one foot in front of him balancing on just one at the edge of the building, and he smiled, smiled a smile as sincere a smile could be whilst in pain; he felt a pair of arms grab him by force and shoved him to the ground away from the edge, Dean let out a groan as the pain in his back settled.

"Why are you doing this, Dean?" the hurt in his voice was unbearable and Dean wished he could be smote by God himself. "What were you trying to do?" Dean could not find words to speak, simply stared at the concrete refusing to make eye contact with those heavenly blue orbs.

"I'm sorry, Castiel. I can't," he paused feeling bile accumulate in his throat.

"You can't what, Dean?"

"I don't know what I'm about to say but I'll say it anyways… I don't want to live like this, not without you. I had one good thing in my life and I fucked it up. I feel like I deserve to die, deserve Hell to have me, the nightmares I have seem so real and I've convinced myself that is where I belong, where I should be. They slice and carve and tear me in ways that you" he stopped briefly as the tears threatened to fall, "Until there is nothing left. And then suddenly, I am whole again, like magic. Just so they can start in all over." he paused feeling the ache in his chest grow stronger, "How I feel, this... inside me, I wish I couldn't feel anything, Cass. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." a tear burn down to his chin, Castiel stood in front of him as their eyes fixed on each other; Dean allowed the tears to spill from his eyes like a dam as he felt Castiel staring deep into his soul, he could feel the love with which the boy looked at him and made him loathe himself even more because he did not deserve this. Lisa had only made him realise how filthy he was, a filthy human they could use like an object for pleasure of theirs, it hurt because of how true he thought it was; he was worth nothing and he deserved that Lisa used him, deserved that she had tried to force him into something against his will, he deserved that and much more.

"Do not apologise, Dean. It was my mistake, I-"

"No, Cass. Don't." he closed his eyes letting the tears burn like lava from his eyes but he didn't care, Castiel stepped closer to him proceeding to wrap his arms around the older boy, Dean wanted nothing but push Castiel away so his contamination would not smear on him but he missed those arms holding him, yearned for them with all his might it hurt; he felt a familiar pair of warm lips on his cheek which only made his tears flow continuously. "I'm only human, I can only take so much… I am weak, Cass. I am weak."

"All the tears you have cried have only made you stronger, they were not in vain, Dean. You do not deserve Hell, you are a righteous soul, a beautiful and pure soul no matter how much you believe it contrary. You did not do anything wrong."

"Stop saying that, Cass. You know damn well I did."

"No, Dean. That day, I waited for you outside the locker room, I saw you with Lisa and instantly assumed the worst but I found the truth, she was told to do it."

"Wha…" his mouth agape in sincere disbelief.

"Gordon Walker holds quite an intense animosity against me and for revenge he did this."

"Why? Why does he hate you?"

"Because I took someone from him who should have never been his, he didn't deserve her."

"You took someone from him?"

"Destiny, he never deserved her." his voice dropped lower, "He only hurt her at his will, used her as if she were an object. Destiny is a good girl, she stood up for me once when we were younger and I owed her that much, I do not regret it but I will not deny what he did does not hurt." there was mere moment of silence, Castiel still held Dean in his arms as did Dean; Dean turned to look at Castiel, they kept quiet for a moment before Castiel spoke again.

"Do not blame yourself, Dean. You did nothing wrong." Dean looked down still not letting go of Castiel for fear it may only be a phantasm.

"Cass," his voice sounded broken, "I didn't do anything with her, she… I swear I didn't want anything to do with her but she kept forcing me, grabbing me and I couldn't… I couldn't move" … "I couldn't, I'm sorry, Castiel, I'm sorry." he sobbed uncontrollably, "It felt wrong, like I am something anyone can just use… and I guess that's what I really am. You deserve so much better and I'm sorry…" Castiel's heart ached at the sight of Dean so broken, hearing the truth and yet lies from the boy's lips, it felt shattering like a delicate glass ornament crushed in hands so strong, it broke him until he himself felt his own tears running down his face.

"You're not, Dean." he managed to say, his lips softly touched the other boy's, "You are beautiful beyond belief, your soul is the purest and most precious I have ever seen. You are everything to me, you are beautiful, believe it because I would not lie to you, Dean." he closed his eyes as a pair of lips claimed his softly; some had said that a kiss could fix anything, even the most broken souls if it is powerful enough in its meaning, their hearts ached no longer with brokenness rather overwhelming affection; it hurt to love this much. The sound of nature's violin's hummed in the air surrounding them, the broken clouds allowing the blue of the sky to peek down to earth and the unison of beating hearts created the sweetest melody for the gods to hear but to them, 'I love you' was simply the most beautiful melody that could indulge their starving souls.

…~*~……

Anyone else up for a little revenge? *Raises hand*

I apologise for making you cry but in reward, you get a hug from Gabriel and Balthazar :3