Huge thanks to Alsa Ravenwood, RespoFTW, red2013, auntof3, and Sirona for the reviews and to everyone else who alerted this. Decided to post this early so you guys didn't have to suffer too much with the cliffie. ;)

It was silent for a few seconds before a single shot rang out shattering the tense atmosphere.

The radio in Esposito's car crackled to life and he quickly reached inside and tugged it out to the side. "Beckett I need backup now! Shots fired. They have Kevin."

He sat for another minute until he realized how eerily quiet it was. Everyone that had been near them had scattered as soon as the first shot was fired and now only the faint noises of the city surrounded him. "Kevin?" he ventured. When no one answered he took a chance and peered over the car, relief flooding him at the sight of Ryan standing on the pavement upright and alive. Keeping his gun out he moved around the car cautiously towards his boyfriend who looked over at him with confused and scared eyes, a gash on his cheek slowly beginning to bleed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't... and they... but..." he rambled.

Esposito's eyes fell upon the reason for his incoherent words and he grimaced at the sight of Handsome Bob lying on the pavement bleeding profusely from a wound on his neck, Ryan's balisong sticking out of his jugular. A few feet away Gorgeous George lay motionless, a single gunshot wound through his forehead, as blood slowly surrounded him and flowed into the gutter.

"Javi I didn't mean to. They just... they were going to kill me. And you."

Esposito could only nod as he looked at the two bodies before looking up at his boyfriend, the one that had violently murdered them. To hear him recount kills was one thing but to see it was something else entirely. "Kev, you..."

Police cars suddenly screeched to a halt around them and began to scream at Ryan to drop the gun. He hadn't even realized he was still holding it and he quickly dropped the object before being knocked down, handcuffed, and manhandled into the back of a police car. Esposito tried to stop them but he knew what it looked like and ran over to Beckett for assistance as soon as she and Castle pulled up. After quickly giving her a rundown of what happened to the best of his knowledge he asked her to tell them to let Kevin go. "He's a mess Beckett, he's in shock about what happened. I need to get to him."

She nodded and her, Castle, and Esposito walked over to speak with the Lieutenant in charge and after a few stern words from Beckett they let Ryan out of the car and undid his handcuffs. Concern covered all their faces when he just stood there staring off into space with unfocused eyes. Esposito approached slowly and pulled him close but he still didn't respond.

"I know this is a terrible time but we need to get a statement now if we want a chance of Ryan not getting charged with two counts of murder. We need to prove it was self-defense."

Esposito nodded, knowing she was right, and led Kevin to her car where they climbed into the backseat and sat quietly. It was halfway to the station when Ryan finally popped out of his catatonic state and grabbed Javier tightly by the shirt, staring at him with wild eyes as he jerked him back and forth.

"It's not my fault. You can't leave me. I can't go to prison. I won't. I'll run, you'll never catch me."

Esposito grabbed his hands and glanced in the front seat where Beckett was trying and failing to give them privacy while Castle stared at them unabashedly. "Woah, calm down. You weren't talking then just freaked out. It's all that heroine, just try to take a deep breath."

Beckett's eyes flew to the rearview mirror. "He's on heroine?" she snapped.

"Conor gave it to him to keep him complaint. He's doing all right with it, or was at least."

Castle glanced at Beckett; "You have to keep that out of the report, if they find out Ryan was high at the time they could get him for murder. It'll cast doubt over the entire raid and his statement." Beckett only sighed heavily and offered a small nod knowing he was right.

"Calmly explain what has you spooked. I know you didn't mean to kill them," Esposito said quietly to Ryan.

"Yes I did," he answered quickly with a slight twitch.

Unable to help himself Castle whipped around, "You wanted to kill them? You don't feel guilty do you?"

He glanced around and began to back up towards the door looking like a caged animal. "I'm not a monster. I'm just…" He broke off as his chest began to heave and his hands grabbed the seat tightly.

Esposito needed to get him calmed down before he had a full blown panic attack which who knows how bad it would be with all the drugs. He reached over and used his strength to his advantage as he tugged Ryan away from the door and into his arms where he hugged him close trying to keep him from hyperventilating. "I love you. I love you, everything's ok. I love you."

Minutes ticked by until Ryan finally sagged into his arms and leaned into his hand when it ran over his hair. "Now calmly talk to me."

Ryan felt exhausted, everything finally hitting him. "They were going to kill me, I had to kill them and I don't even feel guilty. Don't leave me Javi, please."

"Why would I leave you?" he asked quietly.

"Because I'm a monster, I just keep murdering people. Because you're a good person and I'm not," he answered shakily. "I can't lose you, I can't lose anyone else."

Javier kissed the top of his head and laid his cheek on his soft spiked hair, "You won't and you're not going to prison. They were going to kill you Kev, there's no doubt of that. You did what you had to."

When they arrived at the station they entered the elevator and rode to homicide before Esposito took Ryan to the bathroom to try to get him focused. He locked the door behind them and after Ryan washed his hands he wet a paper towel with cold water and gently ran it over his flushed face and neck, mindful of the small gash on his cheekbone. His skin felt hot under his hands and Ryan pulse point was pounding rapidly. "This is almost over Kev, after this we can go home. You're doing so good, I'm so proud of you."

Ryan only nodded and a few minutes later followed Esposito into a side office and sat down with Beckett and Castle to recount what had happened. Esposito knew most of it but listened intently to the part after he had to duck down.

"After Handsome grabbed me out he shot at the car and gave me a chance to grab my knife. I didn't hesitate, just stuck him. I knew Gorgeous was there too so I grabbed the gun before Handsome dropped, found him and took the shot."

Beckett nodded as she scribbled furiously, "What about your face?"

Ryan had almost forgotten about it in all the excitement. "Handsome pistol whipped me when he finally drug me out of the car to keep me from running. About knocked me out but I've got a pretty hard head."

Beckett took pictures of the gash on Ryan's cheek and finally gave them the ok to go home but Ryan didn't move. "How'd it go at the bar? Did anybody not make it?"

Beckett pursed her lips and glanced at Esposito before shaking her head. "All the officers are fine except for one who was shot through the shoulder but he'll make a full recovery. Three people died from your crew during the raid."

"Who?"

She flipped through a few papers before finding what she was looking for and reading off the names. Ryan just nodded before walking out of the room with Esposito in tow. They were almost to the car when he suddenly turned and faced his boyfriend; "I'm just going to walk to your place ok? I'll meet you there."

Esposito shook his head, "No. I don't want you to be alone right now. Not only are you flying high but you've been through a lot today. We can drive or I'll just walk with you."

A defiant spark shown in his eyes as he angrily shook his head, "I'm walking alone." He turned to try to leave but Esposito grabbed his arm to halt his progress. Without thinking he spun and slammed a palm into the detective's nose and as soon as he was released he fell into a sprint.

Esposito watched him bolt and tried to keep up, "Kevin! Wait!" He chased him all the way down the block but he couldn't catch him and when he turned the corner he was gone. "Fuck!" he cursed before grabbing his phone and calling Beckett. "I need a trace on Kevin's phone, he just took off. He's falling fast and I don't want him to be alone when he finally hits bottom."

When she called back and read off the address he ran to his car and quickly drove to the bar where the raid had happened only that morning. After pulling up he cut through the tape that was still across the door, Ryan must have found another way in, and entered slowly. He found him playing the piano at the far end of the bar, a haunting tune that only added to the sad state of the bar. He walked across broken glass, bullet casings, and blood stains on the old hardwood as he made his way forward. Glass crunched under his feet, puddles of alcohol from shattered bottles of liquor splashed under his shoes, and sunlight filtered through the broken stained glass windows.

When he finally got to the piano he felt his heart break at the sight of Ryan playing with silent tears falling in quick succession. His hands skimmed across the blood stained keys, a half full glass of liquor filled from a broken bottle sitting next to it rested on the top. Esposito dropped down onto the bench next to him and allowed him to keep playing, even as a choked sob burst from his lips. "This piano," he said softly, his voice cracking with emotion. "Has been here since the bar opened. A piece of history, and now it will never be played again. It will sit here in the dark, alone and broken, until it begins to decay. No one will ever hear it's music because it was silenced today. By me."

More tears began to fall and when Esposito touched him he jerked away and walked to the middle of the bar where he just stood and waved his arms around. "What did I do Javi?" he asked fearfully as he just looked at all the destruction around him. "I grew up in here, this was my home. These people were my family and I betrayed them." He threw his hands up, "Look at it, it's destroyed. Everything is destroyed. God, is this what I wanted?"

Esposito took a hesitant step forward after standing; "You don't have to live in fear anymore. You brought justice to so many people Kevin."

"I don't care!" he screamed hysterically. "I don't give a fuck about them! I should have never talked to you. Why the fuck did you have to pick this bar? This is your fault!"

"Kevin calm down please. I don't want you to hurt yourself," he pleaded as he took a few more steps forward. "You've got a lot of heroine in your system bro, I need you to try to stay calm."

Ryan produced a pistol out of his jacket and pointed it at him shakily, "Stop! Don't come any closer. They killed Two-Step Javi. He wasn't even supposed to be here! He was my only friend, the only one that stuck by me and now he's dead because of me! I killed them all Javi, I killed the bar, all of it. Oh God. Oh God."

Esposito's heart hammered in his chest as Ryan became more and more hysterical. "Kevin, no!" he shouted when his boyfriend turned the gun on himself. He knew at some point Ryan was going to crack from the seemingly constant emotional and physical blows but he didn't think it would resort to this. The human mind could only handle so much and Ryan's life had been ripped away from him so violently and so quickly that all he could do was fall apart. The seams had begun to fall apart as soon as he had been attacked the first time and today had been the final pull that unraveled everything.

"I deserve it. I deserve to die," he cried as he dug the muzzle into his temple. "Everything I've ever known is gone. I don't have anything left."

He held up his hands in a placating gesture, "You have me. Please Kevin, please don't do this. I love you so much, please don't do this."

Ryan shook his head and took one more look around the bar, "I met Jenny in this bar, Ed gave me my balisong in this bar, Two-Step taught me the piano in this bar and I destroyed it. You don't want me Javi, all I bring is death and destruction. I'm doing you and everyone a favor, I should have done this years ago."

"Come on Kev. Jenny wouldn't want this, I don't want this. What about Alexis, and Castle, and Beckett and everyone that cares about you? You have people here who care."

He was beginning to shake so badly that the only thing holding the gun steady was the barrel attached to his head. "You shouldn't!" he screamed as tears began to break free from his eyes and cascade down his reddened cheeks. "I'm not supposed to be happy, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to have people care. I deserve for bad things to happen. I deserve to die."

Javier bit his lip, "You know that's not true. Please just put that down and let's talk."

"I can still hear him, can still hear Conor. I have to do what he says or he'll hurt me Javi. He wants me to do this," he said in sad acceptance.

This was so much worse than he realized. "Kevin, listen to me. It's the drugs, they're making you hear things that aren't there. He's not here Kevin and he can't hurt you anymore. I don't know what you're going through but we can get through it together."

"No one knows what it's like!" he shouted before sucking in a deep breath and speaking softly. "No one will ever know."

Seconds ticked by and Esposito could only watch as his boyfriend just stood brokenly staring at him, tears running down his face.

"I'm sorry," Ryan finally whispered.

Esposito screamed as Ryan's finger tightened around the trigger, his feet moving but he already knew he wouldn't make it in time.

Then for the second time that day, a miracle happened.

Beckett had known better than to send Esposito off on his own after everything that happened and arrived just in time to knock the gun from Ryan's hand before he could fully pull the trigger. Castle ran forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Ryan from behind as he kicked and struggled to get away, finally giving up and just sagging as he sobbed. "It's all gone. Everything's gone," he choked. "It's like the last twenty-seven years of my life never happened."

Esposito approached and Castle gently relaxed his grip, only releasing Ryan when he was sure Javier had a hold on him. Beckett and Castle met each other's eyes as Javier just held Ryan, both shaking for different reasons. There had been too many close calls today, too many brushes with death and Esposito just hugged the broken man tightly as he tried to reassure himself that he was still here. Ryan was all consuming and in the short time they had been together he had wormed his way past all Javier's defenses and integrated so deeply into every aspect of his life that even the thought of him not being there was enough to almost bring him to his knees.

With Castle's help they got the still hysterical Irishman into the passenger seat of Esposito's car and after making sure there was nothing inside that he could hurt himself with he closed the door and looked at Beckett, "I'm going to take some personal days."

She nodded and grabbed his shoulder, "If you need anything just call."

"Yeah," he said quietly before staring at the two reasons his boyfriend was even still alive. "Kate, Castle I..."

Castle clapped him on the shoulder and nodded, "We know."