Chapter 24

WARNING: Balthazar's dark secret is revealed, prepare yourselves. Slight abuse, angst, and fluffiness.

Short chapter but enjoy!

If I had a heart I could love you

If I had a voice I would sing

After the night when I wake up

I'll see what tomorrow brings

~If I Had A Heart by Fever Ray

(P.S. these are really meaningful and dark lyrics, look up the meaning of them and how they tie to this chapter.)

He cupped the left side of his face feeling the warmth of his palm soothe his skin as he closed his eyes for a brief moment, he blinked once, twice, thrice until his vision cleared. A corner of his lips turned up into a smirk feeling the emotions sinking already, pushing them far away as he stood there motionless and he longed to fly, fly far, far away like a blue monarch or at least become lost in his flight and turn to dust; something, as long as his existence would cease. He became oblivious of the sting on his face as he focused his attention to the one standing before him raising his voice unnecessarily, the words he spoke would have made his heart ache but he could no longer bring himself to think it of import, he'd become accustomed to hearing them that he was numb. His soul cringed in his body as he though of his father as a reflection of himself, he despised it with sinister passion; 'what a beautiful monstrosity', he thought as he kept his gaze fixed into those familiar cold, blue eyes.

"Sometimes I wonder why you were given life, you are nothing but a shame to me." Azriel spoke in a dark tone staring down at Balthazar.

"Would it not be a weight off your shoulders if I died, father?" he scoffed putting a smirk on his face.

"I never asked for you to be born, I could care less if you decide to throw away your life. I give up on you, Balthazar." a smile formed on the boy's lips as he stared at his father.

"I am glad you do." Balthazar lifted up his chin still smiling as his father turned to leave the room. He sighed deeply as he heard the door shut and sat on the seat behind him. "I am glad you do. I too." he whispered as he closed his eyes. The lighting in the room was dimmed, the temperature low, the smell of varnish, antique decorative pieces, old books that extended from corner to corner of the room and the sound of stillness comforted his despondency and he could do nothing but smile. He fixed his eyes on the leather bracelet with a plaque around his wrist, his fingertips ran along the inscriptions on the metal, 'Temet Amare', it was a simple phrase he could not bring himself to follow. Gabriel had gifted it to him for his fifteenth birthday and it never left his wrist until this day. "Temet Amare." he read them to himself in a soft voice removing the bracelet from his wrist, he inspected it for a moment before turning his eyes back to his wrist.

It was imprinted there, it would always be, as a memory he longed not to have, a memory of such failure and he wished at times that he had not been stopped, he wished to have seen the crimson stained marble shimmer with the light of the ceiling light, to have felt the sweet and welcoming sting as he heard the tearing of that flesh. The smooth, shining metal moving gracefully as it tore through layers creating a beautiful, crimson abstractly work of art; he admired it, the simplicity of his creation yet holding so much emotion in its meaning. Its sight inspired him to create another and he held the thin metal upon the other prepared canvas eager to see what shapes the warm fluid would create but, a warm hand touched his making him lift his gaze upon a pair of glazy, amber eyes. The former numbness faded as an ache overtook him feeling a warm body against his own, long arms wrapping around his neck, soft lips gently touching his forehead but it broke him to hear quiet sobs spilling from the boy holding him.

"I love you, please stop." Gabriel managed to say between a sob. These words hunted Balthazar until this day, had kept him surviving even if he could not live. The sound of a melody in the air broke his thoughts and he looked around finding his mobile inside his pockets, a small smile formed on his lips before he answered.

"Gabriel, my favourite cousin, what can I do for you?" he spoke in a cheerful manner.

"Oh, stop it you, making me blush already." the boy mocked with a grin.

"Aren't you adorable?" he chuckled.

"As usual," he smiled wide, "anyway, are you home?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"I need a ride and Mikie and Luci are kind of busy, Raph isn't home and Anna is a bitch."

"Where do you need to go?"

"You didn't forget, did you?"

"Forget what?" Balthazar frowned slightly.

"We have to do community service today, duh!" Balthazar sighed.

"How wonderful. Alright, I'll go pick you up."

"Thanks!"

"Sure thing, love. Bye."

"Adios!" he heard the call end and stood from his seat walking out of the room.

The air smelled of humidity, mould, grass, decomposing leaves, damp soil and burning wood. Somewhere along the distance were families united, some laughed, some conversed, some chased each other playfully and some were engaged in the responsibility of the barbie at the park. Balthazar and Gabriel stood there with a few other volunteers who were present by will, unlike them. A man in his fifties was giving the group instructions of their duties and rules they must follow, one of them being, 'do not wander around the lake alone', Gabriel and Balthazar remained together as the others dispersed. The temperature at the lake during October was much lower than any other part of the town and Balthazar regretted having forgotten to bring a jumper along.

"I do not see how this is necessary, they turn into fertilizer." Balthazar complained as he raked the decomposing leaves. Gabriel was currently spinning the rake around as if it were a lightsaber, unluckily for the boy, the rake managed to slip from his hand and hit his forehead. "Will you at least pretend to work? I do not want to be here all afternoon." he spoke irritated.

"Chill, dude, I'm working. See?" Gabriel raked a few leaves in front of him, Balthazar sighed and continued his work. "What's up with you? You've been in a bitchy mood since we got here." he glanced at the older boy without stopping his work.

"Nothing, I'm sorry if I'm a twat. I just don't want to be here, I mean, have you ever done this? I don't even have to do this at my house and it is hurting my hands." he showed his red palms to Gabriel who simply laughed.

"You are such a princess, Balth! It's not that bad, I like it. It's exciting having to do work for the first time." he smiled looking at the different shaped leaves.

"How could this possibly be exciting? It's torture!" he kicked the few leaves he'd managed to rake into a pile.

"I don't know." Gabriel shrugged. "Mikie never lets me do anything, he says I might set the house on fire."

"And I am well thankful that he has made such a wise decision. You are a disaster." Gabriel gasped as if hurt.

"Am not! I can do things well sometimes, you know. It's just, stuff."

"That makes no sense. Mention the things you have accomplished." he smirked, Gabriel seemed pensive for a moment.

"I can swim, I can put my leg behind my back, I'm extremely good-looking, oh and I can eat ten pounds of candy in one week! That reminds me." he took a lollipop from his pocket, unwrapped it and put it in his mouth.

"None of those count, Gabe, and I'm certain you will be diabetic if you keep that up, it's sickening!" he snatched the lollipop from his cousin's mouth, Gabriel clenched his jaw glaring at Balthazar.

"Give it back." he spoke angrily.

"No, it's disgusting." Gabriel walked towards the older boy and tried to take it away.

"Give it back, I'm serious." Balthazar smirked and licked the lollipop, Gabriel narrowed his eyes at him making a fist. "Give. It. To. Me."

"Nope!" he licked the lollipop again.

"Stop it! It's mine!" he stomped his foot which Balthazar laughed at. He put the lollipop in his mouth and ignored his cousin's glare continuing his work; most of the leaves were in a multi-coloured mountain that reached their knees, the smell was unpleasant yet bearable but Balthazar did not want to touch them leaving the job to his cousin.

"You can have it back if you pick up the leaves." he smirked.

"That's not fair!" the boy stomped his foot and crossed his arms.

"Oh, you don't want it back then. Okay." he shrugged.

"Give it back, Balth, that was the last one I had." his shoulders dropped.

"I will if you pick up the leaves." Gabriel sighed.

"Fine, asshole." he took the gardening gloves putting them on, they fit a size too big on him but as long as he did not have to touch the rotting leaves with his bare hands, it was alright. "Hold the bag." he gave Balthazar a plastic garbage bag.

"Alright, hurry, we still have to do the other side." he pointed towards the picnic area. Gabriel grabbed a handful of leaves making a frown in disgust. A thought crossed his mind and he giggled as he tossed the leaves above Balthazar's head, the older boy gasped dropping the lollipop on the ground infuriated glaring at Gabriel who simply laughed. He managed to shake the leaves off him and pushed Gabriel harshly sending the other boy to the floor, Gabriel glared at him and stood up while his cousin smirked.

"Not so funny, innit?" Gabriel did not respond but tackled Balthazar sending both to the pile of raked leaves, they wrestled and rolled around them groaning as they fought for dominance. Gabriel pulled Balthazar's hair and the boy cursed at him for no one was allowed to touch his luscious golden locks, he kneed Gabriel on the side earning a yelp from the younger boy, however, he did not release his hair. The little trickster smirked as he rolled on top of Balthazar pinning him down, his clothes and hair were a mess but he could care less.

"Not so funny, innit?" he mocked Balthazar with a British accent. The older boy seemed offended and pushed his cousin off him with all his strength, Gabriel hit his head on the root of a tree and hissed in pain but proceeded to sit up pulling his cousin back with him, Balthazar was barely on his knees when he was yanked and landed flat faced on the pile of leaves earning a hysterical laughter from his cousin.

"You are going to pay, you better run, Gabriel!" he yelled furious, Gabriel stopped laughing realising his cousin had used his serious tone, his eyes widened and he stood up to run as fast as his feet would take him, he could hear Balthazar after him and his heart rate sped with each step, it made him dizzy yet he felt the adrenaline throughout his body urging him to not stop and he did not wish to stop, however, he found himself at the pier and abruptly commanded his feet to still. Balthazar stood behind him still fuming and panting.

"Bad choice." Balthazar smirked. Gabriel's eyes widened as he stared at his cousin.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me."

"The water is deep, Balthie, please."

"Aren't' you a swimmer?" he stepped closer.

"Please." Gabriel knit his eyebrows, "I'm sorry!"

"Sorry won't do." he took another step towards Gabriel.

"The water's cold, please!"

"Don't be such a sissy, Gabe." he chuckled as he stopped a foot apart from his cousin. "Should I push you or will you volunteer?" he raised his eyebrow as he smirked, Gabriel gave him his best puppy eyes in plea which almost worked in Balthazar were he not covered in a nauseating smell.

"Please don't, I won't mess with you anymore and I'll do most of the work but-"

"No, no, darling, it's payback time." as if his life flashed before his eyes, Gabriel reached his hand out to Balthazar as he felt a strong hand push him and he held on to whatever he must have grasped as he felt the freezing water sink him deeper and deeper. He opened his eyes once and closed them again since the water temperature made it feel as though thousands of needles were perforating them, he swam towards the surface of the water when he felt something pull at his leg which made him open his eyes even though it hurt; he remembered Balthazar had never been the best swimmer, he became oblivious to the stinging of his eyes and the temperature of the water as he swam towards his cousin who seemed to be panicking. Balthazar sank deeper and deeper trying desperately to hold his breath but failed, he was certain he'd swallowed water, his eyes were closed for a moment and then open, he only hoped Gabriel would realise he could not save his own life. A pair of arms wrapped around his chest and he found himself face to face with his cousin, Gabriel closed the distance between their faces putting his lips upon Balthazar's; a breath that saved his life for the second time.

He lay on the wooden boards coughing the water out of his lungs, it stung terribly, his body shivered feeling colder as the wind blew; he sat up slowly as his vision cleared blinking several times to help it, Gabriel lay on the pier next to him, eyes closed as his chest rose and fell panting. Despite the guilt he felt, his eyes opened realising his life may not be important to his father or himself but there were others whom he loved, those whom he owed his existence to because they cared, they loved him. 'I love you, please stop.' His eyes were fixed on the water, watching as it moved calmly, inviting, whispering soothingly to end the ache, he felt a warmth on his face that made him gasp and he opened his eyes to those beautiful pair of amber eyes staring at him.

"Hey, it's okay. You're okay now." Gabriel wrapped his arms around Balthazar thinking the shock the boy must be going through at the moment and the older boy was much thankful for the gesture.

~*~TO BE CONTINUED~*~