Chapter Twenty-Six - Frankie
"How so? Can you describe it to me? What is it about Frankie that reminds you so much of Alex?" George asked her, as he grabbed his notepad and took notes.
He knew that they were breaking through and he would need to review the revelations later. He didn't know if Liv would really want his honest opinion in the end, but he would have to give a report to Dana before Dana would hand her back to the NYPD. It was standard procedure. No one wanted to give a department back damaged goods after an assignment.
"She was a breath of fresh air. She was different. It had nothing to do with her long blond hair or her slight build. She was made just like Alex. It was like they were twins, but…not."
"They acted the same?"
"Yes and no. Alex is more refined and upscale. Frankie was real world and street savvy. They had the same walk. And, their asses…" Liv started. She shook her head, dismissing the thought but keeping the smile on her face. She then continued, "Frankie had brown eyes, like caramel. They were soft and unyielding at the same time. She was the same way."
"What do you mean?"
"She was friendly, but fiercely loyal. She would protect you no matter what. Some people took her softer side for granted, but they didn't see the real Frankie. They thought she was weak. She wasn't. She was the strongest woman in that gang. She was a survivor. She used her brain to get what she wanted. She didn't need muscle. When someone tried to strong arm her to say, she would talk her way out of it. Robin hated it."
"Robin didn't like that she was smart?"
"Not one bit. She didn't push her smarts on you, but you could just tell. It made me wonder why she was there. I couldn't understand how she ended up in that situation. She just kept telling me that it was her choice. Who chooses to be in a biker gang trafficking shit?"
"You did," George said flatly.
"I was undercover. It was part of the job. It wasn't a life style choice; it was a work choice."
"I am just saying, not everyone has the same opportunities in life, Liv," George replied.
"I know. Damn it, I know that better than anyone. But, Frankie…Frankie was different. She chose that life. She could have been Alex in a different place. I never did get to the bottom of it, but I knew. I just knew that she could have been something greater. She had that…light in her. She had the same light that Alex does. She wants to help people, always thinks about the greater good and justice, before she helps herself. She was always more worried about who was going out on the runs. She took it personally when something bad happened to anyone."
"She took it personally?"
"Yeah, like it was her fault that something happened. She was a lead member in the gang, so she helped in the planning stages. Frankie was a passionate person. It was in everything she did."
"Olivia, you said that Frankie hit on you first. Did it take a while for you to notice her advances or was it gradual on her part? How did you realize that she was interested in you?" he asked.
"It was gradual, I believe. It wasn't something I sought out. I was an emotional wreck when I left New York. I wasn't seeking anything. Frankie made it a point to break through to me. She pursued me. Like Alex, she knew what she wanted and she went after it."
"You found that to be an admirable trait?"
"Yes, I do. It is something that I like. She knew what she wanted and she pursued it. She didn't let my emotional state or lack thereof stop her from trying. She asked me out I think about twenty times before I agreed."
"Do you know what made you finally agree to go out with her?" Huang asked her.
"Her smile."
"Her smile?"
"Yes, it was infectious. When she smiled at me, it melted something inside me. I felt almost human again and not a robotic cop. She gave me a reason to explore my emotions again."
"You bottled them up after Elliot left?"
"Yes, it just seemed safer. If I wasn't emotionally connected to anyone, then I couldn't get hurt by them when they left or whatever. It was lonely, but I felt safe. It was that peaceful safety that I had been pursuing for years."
"So, what you are telling me is that based on your emotional state at the time that you went undercover and your unconventional upbringing that Frankie made you feel normal. She gave you some sense of grounding and normalcy. Is that what you are saying?"
"Yes, she did. She made me feel again. She was very influential in Julie's development. Frankie made me feel whole again. I didn't feel like I was floundering around. I did what I could to protect her and still gather information for the case."
"Explain that more for me."
"I…she reminded me so much of Alex that I couldn't let her get swept up into the craziness. I has already arranged for a safe house, new identities, a fresh start with her with the Marshalls and courtesy of the FBI. Dana didn't like my process but she did agree that if we could turn someone on the inside, it would make the trial run better. We all knew that it was a tough case. Frankie was a tough woman. She rebelled in her own way against Robin."
"You admire her for that?"
"I think that drew me closer to her. I knew that she had a history with Robin, but she would rebuff her and rebel against Robin's constant presence. She made it known to the entire gang that she was her own woman and she was beholden to no one, especially Robin. I think that D. J. admired her for that as well."
"D. J. showed her different affections than the rest of the gang members?"
"Yes, we all did. Frankie was the most loved and protected member. Everyone loved her."
"Did you?" Huang probed.
"In my own way, I think I did. I did everything I could to protect her in every way possible. I made a life with her for about year. I emotionally invested myself in her well-being. I can't say whether it was because she was so much like Alex and I knew that I loved Alex. I don't know what drove me to Frankie besides Frankie herself."
"Are you sure about that?"
"I don't know. Why do you ask? Did I say something after we fled?"
"Russell reported many times that you called out for Alex in a painful manner in your sleep. Something about a painful memory being replayed over and over again. When you were questioned about it, you shrugged it off and dismissed it as bad dreams. I know that the FBI knew about the incident where Alex was shot. I am however surprised that no one in your crew knew about it. Do you think that it was hidden for your protection?" Huang asked her.
Olivia stared at him. She knew that the day that Alex was shot, thought to be dead, and whisked away by the Marshalls into Wit Sec was part of her file. It had become common knowledge due to the case against Connors, a.k.a. the Ghost. She seemed confused that the information hadn't been passed down to Ike and Russell.
"Isn't that something that should have been in my file?"
"Yes, it should have been. I think that Dana knew about your emotional attachment to Alex and kept it out for your own protection. If something happened to your information and the gang or someone else found out about you, they wouldn't know about Alex. It kept Alex protected and kept you from being able to be blackmailed," Huang told her.
"They were scared that I would break?"
"Were you?" Huang questioned.
"In the beginning, I am sure that I would have if pressed. Dana was right to do that. But, I am sure that she could have sent the information down to Ike and Russell through less common channels. That way they would have known."
"What would that have told them about your relationship with Frankie?"
"It would have told them that I preferred smart blondes. I think that my relationship with Alex and my emotional attachment with her might have been needed information. They might have pulled me out sooner. Once they noticed the emotional involvement with Frankie and the depth of our relationship, I think that Dana might have made a decision to extract me."
"Why do you think that she didn't?"
"I don't know. I wasn't a conventional undercover operative for the FBI. Was my relationship with Frankie deemed important enough for the FBI to warrant it in the pursuit of the investigation?" Olivia asked.
"What do you think?"
"I don't know. I know that I came to care for Frankie, probably more than I should, but there was always something in the back of mind wanting Alex. I wonder if I was trying to punish myself for being with Frankie, thinking that I was cheating on Alex somehow."
"Now, that is possible. Do you think that your relationship with Alex, no matter how fleeting it was before you went undercover, pushed you into the relationship with Frankie? Could Frankie have been a surrogate for you, since you couldn't have Alex?"
"I hope not. I know that they were two different people. I knew that every time I lain down with Frankie that she wasn't Alex. I knew they were different, no matter how close the similarities between them. I realize that I did develop feelings for Frankie. They were different than the ones that have for Alex. I don't know that they were as deep, though."
"You can admit that you had feelings for Frankie, but that they weren't as deep. Were they as complicated as love can be? Can you tell me that, now, Liv?" George asked her.
"I am sure they were. Why else would I go through so much trouble to try to get her and Xander out of the life? Why would I jeopardize the case to protect them?"
"Because you are a compassionate person and you knew that Frankie was different. There was something about Frankie that drove to do it. Did you think that you would be able to stay with her after the case was over? Did you do it to protect her? Or, were you trying to protect yourself by saving her?" Huang questioned.
"What do you mean by that?" Olivia asked back, getting defensive.
"You know that you love Alex. You admit that loved Frankie in her own way. You did everything that you could without telling her who you were and what you were doing before the raids started to get her out. You made her an out. You went above the case and found a way to get her out and protect her. Did you do that out of some type of love or was it guilt?"
"I don't know. Both, I guess. I knew somewhere in the back of my brain that I wouldn't be able to stay with Frankie. Maybe that was the driving force behind me trying to get her out. If I couldn't be there to protect her personally because I loved her, I wanted to know that she was protected and safe," Liv answered.
"So you believe that you knew that you wouldn't be able to continue your relationship with Frankie had she survived?"
"Yes."
"Does that bother you?"
"Of course it does."
"Do you think that you have found the answers that you wanted?"
"Partially."
"Why do you say that, Liv?"
"I want to believe that I did what I could for her. I want to believe that I did it out of love. I want to believe that I did it for Frankie and not for myself. I knew that I would be able to stay with Frankie. I couldn't continue the relationship and I don't want to know what she would think of me once she found out who I really was."
"Olivia, tell me the truth. Does it bother you that she wanted to name Xander after Alex? I am just asking because Russell stated in one of his reports that it was because they thought that Alex was your father who died in the line. He himself told Frankie this one of the times that she stayed at the Seabrook house in Vinings. Do you think that keeping Xander is something that you should do knowing the questions that he might ask about his parentage later?"
"I…I don't know. I love him. Frankie wanted to make sure that he was with a parent that loved him. I can't question her motives now, because she isn't here. I was afraid of the repercussions of her actions in naming his guardian. I couldn't have known at the time that she wanted to name him Alexander after my supposed father. I couldn't have known that my dreams would lead to his name. I couldn't have known that she was going to die and that I would actually become his legal guardian."
"Do you feel guilty for surviving the ordeal?" Huang pushed her.
"Yes, of course I do. How could I not? I did everything that I could to save her, to protect her and I failed, but I lived and she didn't. I have to care for our son, now, alone."
"You have Alex," Huang added.
"Yes, I do. I do have Alex to help me. God bless her for it. I don't know why. I can't believe that she actually wants me to live with her and she wants Xander to come, too. She has taken to him like he is her own, like he really is mine, like I am the one that gave birth to him. It scares me how much she loves me and Xander," Liv explained.
"Why?"
"Because I don't understand it. I don't deserve it. It just seems too easy. It is like I broke everything I could and I still get the prize. It isn't fair," Olivia stated.
"Is that what is really bothering you?"
"Yes, it isn't fair. I love Alex. I loved Frankie. I love Xander. Yet, after everything, someone still got hurt because I couldn't be what they needed. I can't save everyone, no matter how hard I try. I still try though. I always have. I beat myself up over it. I think that I might always do it. I did it after Alex was shot. I didn't stop until I knew that she was home and safe. It didn't matter that I knew that Alex was safe in Wisconsin and again went she back after the trial of Connors. I did. I knew she was protected, but somewhere in the back of my mind it was fault."
"Why?"
"Because I didn't protect her that night."
"The night she was shot?" Huang asked for clarification on his part.
"Yes, I didn't protect her. If I had been sooner, if I had been closer to her, if I had seen the van…maybe, maybe I could have protected her and she wouldn't have left. It plagued me."
"But, if you had been closer or sooner to protect her, you could have taken the shot."
"I know," Liv replied, frankly.
That is when George saw it. He realized the eerily similar incidents that Olivia had lived through. She was next to Alex when she was shot. She tried to save her, thought she had died and then had to pretend that she was dead for her protection. She steeled her heart against love because love was always taken from her, because of the job. Frankie was no exception. Olivia blamed herself that Frankie was dead. It didn't matter that Frankie died from complications due to the birth of Xander. Liv would always blame herself for it.
"Olivia, you do understand that Frankie's death isn't your fault, right?" he asked.
"I know that she died from complications from Xander's birth. Do I directly know that it isn't as a result of something that I did? No, I don't. I will always question what happened to us before we ended up in the warehouse. I will always question if I had done something differently if it would have saved Frankie that night. I wouldn't be telling you the truth if I didn't."
"Are you keeping Xander because of guilt?"
"No, I love him."
"You love him?" Huang asked her.
"Yes, he is my son."
"So you accept that he is yours?"
"Yes, he is my son. He has always been my son. He will always be my son. Frankie made sure of that. Alex and Dana made sure that it was legally fact as well."
"So, you love Xander as your own? Does that mean that you love him because he is Frankie's? Or, is there something else that causes you to love him?"
"No, I love him because I am his second mother. I was always meant to be his second mother. I loved Frankie and Xander is his. How could I not love him?"
"I don't know, Olivia. He is a beautiful boy. He is lucky to have both you and Alex to care for him. I know that he will be continued to be loved by you both," George answered.
"No, I am the lucky one to have them both in my life."
"Are you ready then to go home to New York and start your life with them?"
"Yes, I think that I am. I have come to terms with Julie. I have come to terms with my feelings for both Alex and Frankie. I love my son. The only thing left that I have to do is complete the debriefings and tell them about all the situations that I reported. I want to start debriefings as soon as possible. Can you help with that? I want to go home."
"I'll talk to Dana. I think you are ready to let them know what happened. I think that you…that Olivia is ready to make sense of the last two years. I think that you are ready to move on and have the life that you've wanted for years. I wish you much happiness, my friend," he told her.