Chapter Twenty-Seven - Ghosts
George escorted Olivia out of his office and to the makeshift waiting room outside. He saw Alex as she put down the magazine she really hadn't been reading. He saw the fleeting smiles they gave each other. He knew that the weekend had been long and draining for them both. He knew it must have hurt Alex to come back as suddenly as they had. He could see it on her face.
Alex was tired and worried. Anyone could see the fatigue and pain on the usually cold, distant, and calculated woman known as the "Ice Princess." Today, however, she was defeated and she wasn't trying to hide it. She smiled at Olivia, happy that she seemed to be doing better, now, after her session.
Huang noted the exchange between them. He saw the strain on both their faces. He knew they loved each other, but he knew the case was wearing on them. He wanted to talk to Alex. He needed to now that she was okay with how things were progressing.
"Alex, can I speak with you for a minute?" he asked her.
George saw them both wince at his question. He knew that they were working on their relationship. Trust wasn't an issue between them. It was their jobs that had kept them apart for so long. He knew that they were both afraid that the undercover case would break them both. He wanted to make sure that Alex was okay. Everyone was worried about Olivia and the case. No one was taking the time to check on Alex. Huang knew that Alex needed to stay strong for both of their sakes.
Alex saw the worry on Liv's face. She knew that Liv was worried about Huang telling Alex everything. Alex wasn't worried because she knew that George was as professional as she was. He would only disclose what was pertinent to the case. Alex knew that she needed to reassure Olivia in her own way. She grabbed Liv's hand as she met them at George's office door.
"I'll be just a minute or two. Don't worry about it. Sit down. Breathe. Relax. Remember that I love you, and everything will be okay," Alex told her as she kissed her cheek.
"I love you, too," Olivia replied, smiling weakly.
Alex followed George into his office. He motioned for Alex to sit on the couch as he took the seat across from it. He knew that Alex was not pleased to be in his office. She hoped it would be a quick visit.
"Alex, how are you doing?"
"I'm…good."
"That doesn't sound like you are so sure about that. I'm not going to push you. I asked you to come in here because I wanted to make sure you had an outlet."
"I do."
"Good. I'm glad. I hope that you can talk to this person whenever you need to, but just in case, I want you to know that you can come to me. I know that you are trying to be strong enough for the both of you, but I don't want you to break if it becomes too much."
"I understand, George. I have someone to talk to, not that I wouldn't come to you. I just feel more comfortable doing this my way. I feel like you have something else you want to discuss with me though," Alex probed.
"I do. I would like to have a session with both of you tomorrow. She wants to start debriefing by the end of the week. I need to make sure that you'll both be able to handle the questions and answers."
"What aren't you telling me, George?"
"You're both protecting each other from being hurt emotionally. You nerves are raw. I can see it. I know you both can see it. You love each other but you both need to be honest with each other as well."
"What do you mean, George? Be plain with me. Just tell me what you mean."
"I think that you both need to discuss the case and its ramifications with each other. I'm suggesting that you do it with guided supervision before we are all in the conference room. Emotions will be running high and Olivia will be the one who feels naked, exposed and raw once we start. She is going to need you more than she wants to admit. You are both strong women, but after the last few years I'm afraid for Olivia."
"You think she'll break?" Alex asked, now painfully aware of what George was saying.
"I don't know. I think it could be a possibility. She is scared. She is coming to grips with Julie. She knows how deep her love for you flows. She is scared of something but I'm not quite sure what it is. It has her rattled to the core. I know that between the two of us we can help her. Can you help?"
"Absolutely."
"Are you willing to do anything for her?"
"Of course, I love her."
"Can you walk away if that is what she needs?"
"No matter how much it'll hurt me, yes. I leave if she needs me to. But, does she?" Alex asked.
He watched Alex sink into the couch dumbfounded. The possibility of not being with Olivia had never been entertained. He knew what he said had hurt her, but he had to know for Olivia's well-being. He knew that they were good together.
"George?"
"No, she doesn't. I needed to know how far you are willing to go for her. We both agree that she needs the best. I don't want to see her hurt and she is hurting. There is so much that she had to face and realize while she was undercover. I don't think that she has fully come to terms with it all. This weekend only served to prove that. I know that it why she wanted to come back so fast. She is trying to deal with this mostly on her own."
"It is how Olivia processes things," Alex stated.
"We both know that. It has to do with her past. But, I think that you can help her come out of that shell finally. She knows that she has a huge support system but she doesn't use it. She is so used to being on her own that I think she might plan something."
"What do you mean?"
"She told me that you asked her to move in and that she agreed. I think that this is a good idea because you will have each other. Plus, you two are working on a relationship. I am just worried that she might use this as a reason to run. She isn't emotionally ready for that commitment. She is scared and walking blindly through the emotionally trying issues she is facing."
"She did shut down when she heard the motorcycles at the Cape."
"She did what?"
"She didn't tell you?" Alex asked.
"No, she didn't tell me that she was having aversions. Was there anything else? Can you tell me about anything else about what happened?" Huang questioned.
"She didn't tell you?" Alex questioned, again.
"No, Alex, she didn't tell me anything that happened at the Cape."
Alex stood up and moved to the door. George watched her, intrigued by the rawness in Alex's face. She paused for a moment as she grabbed the handle and turned around to Huang to address him. Her eyes were on fire, but sad at the same time.
"We will both be here tomorrow, George. I'll make sure of it. Don't book any other sessions. Agent Olivia Benson will be taking up most of your day."
Olivia saw the change in Alex when she came out of Huang's office. She didn't look worried anymore. She actually looked angry, but Liv couldn't think about what George would have said that would have set Alex off that bad. She sat on the couch in their FBI issued apartment. Alex had gone to Dana's to get Xander's things moving him in with them. She didn't even explain why she was upset to Liv. When she got back with Xander's things, she put them in Olivia's room. She stood in the doorway and watched the befuddled Olivia.
"What's wrong?" Olivia finally asked.
"We came back so you could talk to Huang."
"I did. I know that isn't what is bothering you. What did he say to you?"
"He asked for me to come back with you tomorrow. He wants us to have a session together, again. What I was surprised about is what he didn't say to me. He didn't know about the incident at the grocery store. Why didn't you tell him about that?"
"It didn't come up. We were discussing over issues that I had while we were away. Actually we were talking about Frankie for the most part," Olivia told her.
"So, instead of telling him how you froze at the sound of a motorcycle engine, you spent the entire day talking about your ex-girlfriend?"
"Well, when you put it that way, I guess we did. It was something that I needed to explore. I don't know why that upsets you so much. Alex, I needed to talk about it. It was plaguing my dreams. I had to find out why it was bothering so much."
"And, did you find out why?"
"Yes, I did. I guess I wasn't as surprised as I thought I should be. Does it bother you that I spent all day talking about Frankie and not what happened to me at the Cape?" Olivia asked.
"A little yeah, it does."
"Why?"
"Because you froze, Olivia. It scared me. I've never seen you so far…gone. I don't know how else to describe it. When you asked to come back to talk to Huang, I figured that was why you wanted to come back so quickly. I guess I was wrong. I guess I don't know you, anymore."
"Alex, don't. Please don't go there. I needed to come back. I wasn't ready to be out in the open like that. I know that it may take some time before the old Liv comes back and wants to be out in the City enjoying herself, but right now, I need to be alone. I need to comfort of structure and regiment. A life with Xander gives me that," Olivia answered.
"I could give you that, if you'd let me," Alex replied, obviously hurt.
"Oh, Alex, I didn't mean it that way. I do need you. I love you. You have kept me grounded."
"Lot of good that is doing you," Alex stated.
"Stop. Alex, you can't protect me from what already happened. You can only help me be better prepared for it in the future. You can't stop my dreams."
"Better prepared for the future? Are you planning on going back undercover soon? What the hell does that mean, Olivia? What are you talking about?" Alex asked, getting angrier.
"No, I'm not planning on going back undercover again and never with the FBI again. It always ends badly for me somehow. I'm done with the FBI once this trial is over."
"Answer me one question then," Alex demanded.
"Anything," Olivia replied.
"What was so pressing that you had to see Huang so quickly? What was in your nightmare that you didn't tell me? What aren't you telling me, Olivia?"
"Well, first of all, that was three different questions," Olivia replied, trying to lessen the mood.
Alex just stared at her. She still hadn't moved from the doorway. Olivia had stood up. She was pacing the living room area. She ran her hands through her shaggy short hair. She was prepared for this fight. She wasn't prepared for this side of Alex. She knew that Alex was going to fight for her, but she didn't know that Alex was willing to fight her in that process as well.
"Alex, I'm sorry. I was scared of myself. I was scared of what I might do. The motorcycle did trigger some memories, not all of them bad, but it was the feelings that it stirred up inside me that scared me beyond recognition. I was afraid for you more so than myself."
"Why? Why couldn't you just tell me why you wanted to come back? Why all the secrets?"
"It wasn't really a secret. It has been what it always will be when it comes to you. A ghost."
"A ghost? I am a fucking ghost now? What the hell, Olivia? Really?"
"That isn't what I meant. I meant that I will always be worried about you. I…I can't explain it."
"Try me."
"I was scared of what you might see in me. I come from abusive genes. I have fought hard against my dark side, but I realized that Robin had tweaked me in such a manner that I wasn't ready to be unleashed back into the real world. If I had, I would have sought her out on my own and killed her. No remorse. No trial. No cares. I couldn't let you see that. I couldn't let myself become that person. I had to fight my urges."
"But she is in custody," Alex said, plainly.
"I know that, but she isn't in Quantico."
"You were afraid that I would see you borderline homicidal. I've seen you like that before. I've seen you lose it on a perp in an interrogation room. What was so different this time?"
"I didn't want to control the monster," Olivia replied, truthfully.
"Liv…"
"That isn't all of it. I needed to know why I was so bent on killing Robin. I needed to explore my relationship with Frankie. I didn't want to upset you with it, so I decided that I would talk to George about it. I knew that he would ask the questions that I couldn't ask myself."
"Like what? Did you love her? I would like to know those answers too," Alex responded.
"I know you do, but I needed to know what was driving me."
"And?"
"It was you. I was trying to protect you. I was still fighting the ghost that I couldn't protect you from. I was so afraid that you were going to get hurt. I wasn't going to able to stop Robin if she came after you, that I didn't know what to do. I wanted to kill her to save you."
"I don't follow," Alex told her.
"I lost you once to a man they called 'the Ghost.' I couldn't lose you to a ghost of my own making. I couldn't let Robin take you from me. I would take her out before she could get to you, before she could hurt you, before she knew about you. It was the only thought that I had. I had to protect you, but in doing so, I would have to leave you. It was the only way that I could see it working. I would be protecting you from Robin and protecting you from knowing the monster that I had always been destined to become," Olivia explained.
"That is the biggest load of horse shit that I have ever heard. You were going to leave to protect me? You were running? I could see it in your eyes. I can see it now. If you want me to go, just tell me. I'll go. But, don't stand there and tell me that you would leave me because you love me and to protect me."
Olivia looked at her in bewilderment. Alex was pissed. She was fighting mad and she was going to fight Olivia. Olivia had never seen this side of an angry Alex and she was afraid that she might actually push Alex away, for good this time. There might not be a way to come back from it. Olivia was scared. This was not the reaction that she was looking for. Hell, this wasn't even a possibility in her mind.
"Alex…"
"Don't you fucking Alex me. Olivia, you just told me that you wanted to leave me, with your son, so you could go kill someone. I am supposed to be happy about that. You couldn't have told me this at the Cape. You couldn't have warned me that you were planning on turning into some irrational homicidal maniac that I was going to have possibly try."
"Alexandra…" Olivia started as she crossed the room to Alex.
"No, you don't get to speak yet," Alex told her, her eyes burning with fury and passion, "I came down her because you were hurt. I came here because I love you and I wanted to help you get better. I came her for you, no one else you. Do you remember why? I do. I still have the letter you sent me. I must have read it a thousand times a day. All because of one phrase: I love you, Alex. That simple but explosive phrase kept me going for over a year. I couldn't wait for your phone call, another letter, a post card, anything. Instead, I got Special Agent Dana Lewis in Cragen's office telling me that they had lost you."
Olivia watched her. She watched how Alex's eyes danced with every word. She watched as Alex's body bowed up ready for anything. She had never seen Alex this wound up.
"And, do you what happened? I broke. I thought you were gone. I thought you were dead. For thirty minutes, I sat in that office thinking that the worst possible things had happened to you and I hadn't been there for you. Oh, you should hear some of the crazy scenarios that my mind came up with. But, do you know what hurt me the most? That I would never be able to tell you that I loved you as well. It broke my heart. It would be my third strike. I would never get the chance."
"Third strike?"
"The night 'the Ghost' shot me, strike one. The day after 'the Ghost's' trial, strike two. This would have been my third strike. I am tired of fighting ghosts, Olivia. I am tired of the world trying to keep us apart and us letting them.
"We are soul mates. We deserve each other and better than this. I know that you aren't a killer. You have never and never could do anything like that. No matter the want. Next time trust me enough to tell me what is going on. Be prepared for me to be angry but talk to me. I can't help you if you can't trust me to try. I love you, damn it," Alex explained.
Olivia didn't know what to say. Alex was standing there reading her the riot act and making perfect sense. She hadn't known what she was thinking; only what she was feeling and it scared her. She knew she should have told Alex was going on in her head, but she was afraid that she would frighten her. She was scared of losing her, as well, for good.
"I'm sorry. I was worried about losing you. I don't exactly think well when it comes to losing you. I try to over analyze and think things, often making them worse."
"Yes, you do," Alex said, shoving her against the wall, "Now for once, do me a huge favor and listen to me. Shut up and kiss me."