Chapter Thirty-One - Permission

Olivia stood her ground. She was pacing outside the conference room, but she wasn't going to back down. She would go to Montgomery to see Mara's scene with or without their permission. It might take her longer without their permission but she was resolute in going.

Alex and George watched her. George could feel the betrayal and anger coming off of Alex, but he knew that she too refined to start a fight now. After Olivia's bombshell at the end of their session, which caused Olivia to leave the office and search out Agent-in-charge Dana Lewis, George and Alex could only follow her. George knew that Dana would ask his opinion of what Liv should be able to do. Frankly, he didn't have a good reason for keeping her in Virginia except her fragile psyche. However, George feared what would happen if Olivia wasn't given permission and went on her own.

Alex was steaming. She was hurt and angry. She thought that Olivia was still too close to the case. She was letting her personal feelings override her objectiveness. It would not make Liv happy and she knew it. It was like this case was a scab, an infected sore that Olivia kept picking at hoping that it would just magically heal. She couldn't walk away from it and just let it heal on its own. She was letting it fester. She was making it bleed, while Alex was trying to staunch it.

"Olivia?"

She didn't answer. She kept pacing and it plagued Alex more. Alex's anger finally boiled over.

"Olivia Benson!"

Olivia turned around. She could see the anger burning in Alex's eyes. There was nothing that she could do. There was nothing that she could say. She knew that she had hurt Alex with the demand to go to Montgomery. She knew that Alex was only there to figure out how far Olivia was going to let her obsession with the case go. She needed Alex, even if she couldn't say it.

"What?"

"Sit down. Pacing like that isn't going to help anything. Sit down. Calm down and wait for their decision. NO. You will accept it, no matter what it is. Do you understand me?" Alex asked her.

"Alex…"

"Damn it, Olivia. Sit the fuck down. We can talk about this later."

"Alex…"

"No, don't you 'Alex' me, Olivia. I know why you want to go there. Some part of me even understands it, but if you think that I am going to like it, you're wrong. No, don't say anything. I know that you are emotionally tied to this case and you need to see it through. You aren't the investigating officer. You were undercover. You will have to debrief and testify in court, but that doesn't mean that you have to go to every God damned crime scene associated with the case. You have other responsibilities, now."

"I know that."

"Do you? Do you really? You have a son that needs you. He needs you to be home and love him, not gallivanting around the South because of a case. I need you. I need you home with me, safe, so I know that you are okay. Do you understand that?" Alex asked her.

"Yes, Alexandra, I do. I understand that more than you think I do. It is one of the reasons that I need to go to Montgomery," Olivia told her.

"Then, explain it to me," Alex demanded as she saw George look at both of them. "No, George, don't. She can tell me this. She needs to tell me this. I have a right to know."

George sat back. He knew that this was going to be a huge turning point in their relationship. He had asked Alex before if she needed to let Olivia go, could she. Now the point was before them all and they would have to make a decision. He had hoped for more time, to get more out of Olivia before she hit this breaking point, but the case hadn't allowed it. He knew that she was still fragile emotionally, but he hoped that her detective side would take over and reason would win out the day. Now, seeing them like this, he wasn't so sure.

"Alexandra," Olivia stated, with as much honey as she could.

"That isn't going to work this time, Liv. There is no amount of 'Alexandra's that are going to help you now. Talk to me. You promised me. Now, tell me, why the fuck is this so important?"

"Because…"

"Just tell me," Alex demanded, quietly, almost like a plea.

"I have to know."

"We've already established that, Detective. Do you care to elaborate? What is so important in Montgomery that you have to leave right away to find it?"

"Alex, you aren't making this easy."

"I'm the one not making this easy. You know what, Olivia. Go. Just go. I won't beg you to tell me what's going on in your head. You promised you'd tell me, everything, anything, but obviously you can't. I was wrong to believe it. I don't care what happened to you while you were undercover. Why can't you see that? It won't make me think less of you. Damn it, Benson, I love you. When you figure that out, when you get that through your head, come find me. I can only do so much for the both of us. Just remember one thing for me, will you?"

"What's that?" Olivia asked dumbfounded and automatically.

"That I love you. That I have always loved you. That everything that I have done in the last few months has been for you out of love. You want me to be your family. You want me to be with you and Xander. I don't care that you were with Frankie. I don't care that you loved her. I know that you love me. I know that you love Xander. When you want the same things, I'll be waiting. Until then," Alex explained. She kissed Liv's cheek and then she continued, "I love you. I wish you could see that."

Alex left her standing in the corridor broken. She gathered up the pieces of her own broken heart and dismissed George before he could say anything to her about what he had just witnessed. He had tried to warn her. He tried and Alex, like a fool, didn't want to see his point. She chastised herself for believing that their love would be enough for them to move on and have the relationship that they both had wanted for years. She had been a fool to think that Olivia could even put her first and the job second. She had hoped and she had wished, but in the end, she knew the truth. She'd seen it with Elliot and Kathy. Olivia was no different.

She couldn't remember getting in the elevator. She couldn't remember hitting the button for the first floor. She couldn't remember anything but the pain in her heart and the tears she was trying to fight from falling. She didn't even know she was in the elevator until she heard the ding and saw the doors open into the lobby of the building.

She looked up from the floor of the elevator to see the doors exiting the building. She stepped out of the elevator and was stopped by an out of breath Olivia. She was shaking, breathing heavily and she had a look in her eyes that Alex swore she'd seen before…a long time ago.

"Please don't leave me, Alex," she panted out.

"I'm not the one leaving. I'm simply getting out of your way. Now, please let me go."

"Alexandra…" Olivia pleaded.

Any other day it would have stopped Alex, but not today. Today had been an emotional roller coaster and she needed a break. Today she needed space as much as she really didn't want, she needed it.

"Alexandra Elizabeth Cabot, please…listen to what I have to say."

Alex stopped. She turned around, fire in her cobalt eyes. Part of her told her to run before Olivia could hurt her more, but her feet remained planted as Olivia took her arms in her hands.

"Did you just use my full name?" Alex asked her, dumbfounded.

"I knew it would get you to stop."

"That is low, even for you, Detective. What do you want? What could you possibly say to me here, now, that you couldn't tell me upstairs?" Alex demanded.

"I love you."

"No, I don't think that is what you wanted to say."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I don't think that is it either," Alex replied.

"Come with me?"

"Come with you, where?"

"To Montgomery."

"And, why would I want to do that?" Alex questioned.

"Because I need you to. Because you love me as much as I love you. Because, I need you to see it too. I need you to see why I am so close to this case. You're the only one who'll understand."

"What happened to you, Olivia? What aren't you telling me? What aren't you telling the FBI?"

"I've told you everything that I remember. I've told you things that I wanted to spare you from, especially the stuff about Frankie. But, do you remember what you told me a few days ago?"

"Besides that I loved you?" Alex quipped.

"Yes, besides that," Liv answered.

"No, what?" Alex asked.

"That you understood. That you could handle what happened because we had both seen the scum of the Earth and what they are capable of doing. I know that you are the only person here that understands where I am coming from. Don't get me wrong, Dana and the rest are good investigators but they aren't SVU. They solve murders, kidnappings, and crimes against the government. They don't know the full extent of the depravity of man. They come close sometimes, but we…we've seen it up close and personally."

Alex stood there. She knew that Olivia was right. She didn't understand Liv's reasoning, but she knew that Liv would see something that the rest wouldn't. It would be something trivial, but it would be something evidential. Liv had always been good at the big picture and finding the smallest clue or evidence that made that picture make sense.

"Montgomery?"

"Yes, come with me."

"They won't let you go, unless I go, will they?" Alex questioned her, already knowing.

"Huang may have suggested it to Dana, yes." Olivia answered.

"Do you really want me to go?" Alex asked.

"Yes…"

"Liv?"

"Yes, to help me from slipping back into Julie," Olivia admitted.

"You're still scared of Julie?"

"I'm scared of what I might do if that persona took over again. You keep me grounded. You keep me real. You help me stay Olivia. You hold me during the nightmares. I know you do. I feel you. I hear you in my dreams trying comfort me and remind me that I am safe. That you and Xander are safe, too. I know that you don't want to know, but I do. I know, Alex."

"Olivia…"

"No, Alex, I do need you. I…I always have. I love you, but I have to help them solve this case."

"There is nothing left to solve, Liv. They've gotten D. J. and Robin. They've shut down the gang. Frankie will get her justice, even if it is not in direct conjunction," Alex told her.

"What about Mara? Will Mara get her justice? What about the babies, Alex? Who will speak for them, now?" Olivia asked, knowing she had hit a nerve.

"Don't do that," Alex demanded.

"Don't do what?" Liv asked, knowing she was winning the argument.

"Don't make it personal, please," Alex pleaded.

"It is personal. It was personal. I lived the life. I have to know that Mara will get her justice, too. I know that D. J. and Robin did something. I know that they are connected somehow. I need to know how deep that connection goes."

"Why?"

"So I can protect you and Xander."

"When do we go?" Alex asked, knowing the battle hadn't been won or lost…yet.