Steve woke a little after six in the morning. He glanced at his sleeping partner and the crudely stitched head wound which was about four inches long. Cath must have stitched him up. He then turned his eyes to the lady he loved so dearly and he was instantly filled with an intense feeling of shame and dread. He couldn't remember anything about what happened, not a damn thing…but it didn't matter…there was no excuse in the world for what he did. He always took responsibility for his actions, and this would be no exception. His eyes welled with tears as he looked at her. Danny was leaning back, slumped in his chair and snoring softly. Cath was curled up in a chair next to him, her head was on a pillow that was resting on Danny's shoulder. He felt sick to his stomach as he looked at her now bruising throat. Her cheek and lip were also both bruised and swollen. He closed his eyes tightly, saying softly…"Oh God why…..why"

He lay quietly for several minutes before slipping out of bed. His ribs hurt horribly causing him to gasp as he sucked air into his lungs. He didn't want to wake them and he needed to clear his head. He used the bathroom and lifting his shirt he noted the fresh bruising on his side from the hit from Danny. He brushed his teeth and then stood at the sink splashing cold water onto his face. God he felt so sick to his stomach….taking a deep breath he made his way downstairs and after taking his anti-biotic he started a pot of coffee. While it was brewing, he went into his den and took a photo album from the shelf. Pouring himself a cup of coffee he left the house and walked down to the beach.

He loved sitting at the Ocean at this time of day, it always brought him peace and serenity. He sat looking out over the beautiful blue Ocean as the sun began to rise. He had to hold his coffee with both hands as they were shaking horribly. About twenty minutes passed before he dropped the coffee cup into the sand and opened up the album. He looked at pictures he hadn't viewed in a long time, too long. The first photos were of Chad and Christina's wedding, a joyous day in its own right made even brighter because it brought Emily into his life. He ran his fingertips lovingly over her picture. He often wondered where she was, what she was doing. Had she met someone else? Was she happy? He hoped so, she deserved happiness. For several months after their breakup they had keep in touch but it became just too difficult. They both still loved each other so deeply, and together they finally made the heart-wrenching decision that they could not continue to communicate. Not wanting to hurt her any more Steve left two days later, moving back to Hawaii without telling her. Six months later he wrote her a letter but he never heard back from her.

He continued to scroll through the pictures oblivious to the fact that Danny had arrived.

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As Danny sat in the deck chair, Steve spoke softly "Good morning partner"
"Morning. I brought you some coffee"
Steve closed the album and took the coffee from him, "Thanks...how's your head?"
"I'm fine...it's nothing"

They sat quietly for several minutes before Danny asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Danny…..I'm so ashamed of myself"
"I can understand that, but there's no reason you should be"
"I've never laid a hand on any woman Danny, let alone someone I love….I almost killed her for God's sake"
"Steve, your body is full of the junk. You know what that means. You're not yourself babe, it's not your fault"
"Then whose fault is it Danno?" His voice shook, "It was my hands. My hands….my fault"

"I don't know what to say babe. It happened and you can't change it. I know in the McGarrett world, everything in life is black and white, right and wrong but the reality is Steve, the world is full of grey. I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it, you're not yourself right now. Tell me something, will you…..do you remember hitting Cath? Do you remember choking her?"

"No….God no...I can't remember anything"
"That's the grey I'm talking about buddy. You're not responsible, the drugs are fucking with your mind"
"Danny, have I had other blackouts like that?" Steve turned his head as his partner hesitated, "Danny?"
"One Steven, one, but it really doesn't matter"
The blood drained from the SEAL's face, "Tell me what happened"
"Steve…"
"Damn it Danny, what did I do?"
"The other day when you had the nightmare and put your fist through your bedroom door…."
"Yeah?"
"Why do we gotta go there Steven?"
"BECAUSE DANNY, I have to know"
Danny sighed deeply before continuing, "You had jumped off the couch and grabbed Chin by the throat. You pushed him up against the cabinet in the living room. Kono was able to talk you down and you released him and ran upstairs"

"Why didn't you tell me about this?"
The pain in Steve's voice cut through Danny, "Steve, listen….I didn't see any reason to upset you"
"UPSET ME? Danny…...man, I was choking Chin, our BROTHER, and you didn't want to upset me?"
"Yes that's right. I made that call and it was the right one to make and before you say another word Steven, YOU my friend would have done the same thing!"

Steve knew Danny was right, he WOULD have done the same thing. He simply asked, "Did I hurt him?"
"He had his bell rung and got a good lump on his head, but he's fine. He didn't want you to know either"
"Now do you understand why I don't want drugs Danno?"
"Steve, I know you have dreams every so often and Catherine told me you've had them when she's been with you before. Babe, how often do you have these nightmares?"

Steve was staring straight ahead, "All the time…..at least a couple times a week"
"God partner, I'm sorry"
"It goes with the territory. I've told you before Danny, I've done a lot of horrible things….it's the price I have to pay. I've accepted it and most of the time I can deal with it. When I drink too much or am impaired in any way though the dreams get more intense and I can have these blackout moments. Because of my training, I know I can react violently during those times and that scares the living hell out of me" Steve's voice was shaking as he continued, "God Danny, I never meant to hurt any of you…..I love you"

"We know that Steve. Why do you think we're all still here. We love you, we all love you babe and we're worried about you"
"I'm sorry…..oh God I'm so sorry"
"Let us help you Steve…we want to help you"
"I can't face her Danny. She must hate me"
"Are you kidding? She loves you, she told me last night. The incident scared her, but she knows it was the drugs…it wasn't you. She loves you Steve"
"I need some time alone Danny…"
"Okay….I'll go start some breakfast"
As Danny stood and turned to walk away, Steve called out to him "Danno, thank you"
"You're welcome"

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When he entered the house he heard the shower running upstairs. He started another pot of coffee and he was standing at the sink cleaning and cutting strawberries when Cath entered the kitchen.
He turned to her, "Good morning. How do you feel?"
"Better, thanks. I saw you two down at the water. Is he okay?"
"He's embarrassed and ashamed. He loves you Catherine and he needs you"
"I'll go talk to him"
She smiled and leaving the house she walked down to the beach.

He had left the chair and was standing in ankle deep water.
She moved to his side, placing a hand on his forearm. Steve instinctively put his arm around her, pulling her close to him. He kissed her forehead saying softly, "I'm so sorry my love. I didn't mean to hurt you, please know that"
"Honey, I know that. I'm okay and I'm here for you. I love you Steve"
She put her hands tenderly onto Steve's face, pulling him to her and kissing him softly.

As they parted, he gently touched her bruised and swollen lip and cheek as tears welled in his eyes. "Oh God…"
"Ssshhhhh…..it's okay baby, I'm fine" She kissed his cheek tasting the salty tears that slipped from his eyes. He couldn't say anything else as he pulled her to his chest. They stood and held each other for a long time. No words were spoken, nor were they needed as they simply comforted each other.

Eventually Cath said, "Danny's probably got breakfast for us, are you ready?"
After one more kiss, he stroked her cheek gently, "Yeah"
They walked hand in hand up the hill and across the yard, smelling bacon and eggs as they entered the house.

******* Hope you're still enjoying, much more to follow ********