Chapter Thirty-Eight - Mess
It was sometime in the afternoon that Olivia woke up. She was groggy and naked. She smiled at the thought of a lazy afternoon in bed with Alex, until she saw the bag on the floor. Her brows furrowed in confusion at the name on the bag. She couldn't remember going to a sex shop, let alone one named the "Nymph's Closet." She reached down and glanced in the bag. She dropped it back on the floor.
She immediately got up and looked around for Alex. When she couldn't find Alex in the hotel room, she grabbed a pair of boxers and a tank top. She grabbed her cell. There were no texts or calls. She looked at the phone, trying to make a message or a voice mail appear. All she saw was the clock count another minute. It was two fifty two.
Alex was gone and she was alone in the hotel room. She felt a sudden wave of panic. She clutched at her chest and fell down. She had somehow ruined everything. She lost it all, again.
She curled up in the corner. She began rocking. She knew that it wasn't a mentally healthy position but at the moment she didn't care. She didn't what caused her break, but she knew that she had. Julie had come out and she didn't know about it. It was like the memories were gone. Somehow she's hurt Alex, she just knew it.
She gripped her phone as she continued to rock. The tears and the emotional walls that she had taken so long in building because of her past were crumbling down quickly. Julie was going to be death of her, she knew it. Julie needed to be put into check. Julie needed to be … erased.
Olivia didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say. She needed to see Alex, but she was afraid of what she would find out. She was afraid of what she may have done.
She finally stopped rocking but didn't get out of the corner she'd put herself in. She looked down at her phone. She tapped the contacts icon and scrolled through them. She stopped at Alex's number. She hesitated, letting her thumb hover over it before she scrolled further down into her contact list. She didn't want to hear what she'd done yet. She didn't want to know. It scared her that badly. She stopped on Huang's number and tapped it, calling him.
"Liv? Liv, is that you? What's wrong?" he asked.
"I don't know."
"Where are you?" he asked her.
"I am at the hotel," she replied.
"What happened?"
"I don't know, George. I don't know. I woke up here and Alex is gone."
"Alex isn't with you?"
"No, I don't know where she is," Liv told him as she started crying again.
"Stay where you are. I'll be there as soon as I can be. Are you okay? Liv, are you hurt?"
"I…I don't know. I don't think so. I think that I'm okay. I am not hurt. George…where is Alex?"
Abbie heard that Alex wasn't with Olivia. She could see the fear in George's eyes. When their eyes met in similar worry, she pulled her phone out and called Alex. She motioned for George to keep Olivia on the phone. There more they could find out from Liv the faster and easier it would be to find Alex.
Abbie waited. Alex didn't pick up. It went to voice mail. George had hung up and was waiting on Abbie.
"She doesn't know where Alex is. She doesn't remember going back to the hotel. Something is majorly wrong, Abbie. I am going over there to check on her. Did you get Alex?" George asked her.
"No, it went to voice mail. I'll try here again. You go to Liv. When I know something more, I'll let you know. Go. We'll take care of it. They'll be okay, George. They'll be okay. They have to be okay," Abbie told him, the desperation in her voice very thick.
He nodded as he left. Rock watched them, but said nothing. Abbie tried Alex again.
"Everything okay?" Rock questioned.
"Fine," Abbie answered curtly.
Rock watched her as she paced for minute. Her eyes narrowed on him as she tried Alex again. Abbie was starting to worry. It was only because she knew that Olivia wouldn't call unless something was wrong and the look on George's face when he left. It didn't help that Alex wasn't answering her phone. Suddenly the FBI offices were stifling and Abbie didn't like the way that Rock was watching her. She gathered her briefcase and left the building, continuing to dial Alex.
She made her way outside the FBI building and sat on a bench. She willed Alex to answer the phone this time when she called. It was early afternoon, but there was just something that was making Abbie uneasy. She knew things were still rough between Liv and Alex, but she never thought that Alex would hide in a foreign city because something happened.
"Come on, Alex. Answer your damn phone, woman. Where are you?"
"Abbie?"
"Alex, thank God. Are you okay? Where are you? What happened?" Abbie asked.
"I am at the Museum of Fine Art."
"But, you're okay?"
"I'm fine, I guess. What's wrong? Why have you been hounding me?" Alex asked.
"Stay there. I'm coming to you. Don't argue with me, Cabot. I can tell when you need to talk. Now, would be one of those times."
"Is Liv okay?"
"You don't know?" Abbie asked.
"It's complicated," Alex answered.
"Isn't it always with you two, Cabot? George went to her. I don't know what she told him on the phone but it was enough to worry us both. Like, I said, I'll meet you there."
Twenty minutes later, Abbie found herself outside the Museum. She walked in, paid the attendance fees and started wandering around knowing that she would find Alex in the Blount Gallery once she had studied the museum's gallery map. She found Alex sitting in front of a painting by Winslow Homer.
Abbie noticed that the usual air of superiority and sophistication that emanated from Alex was gone. The emotional side that she had become used to seeing from Alex since her return from the Congo was there, but it was more reserved. She seemed defeated, broken and defeated.
"You wanna tell me what happened?" Abbie asked as she sat down next to Alex.
"You know that I don't."
"So, we are just going to sit here and stare at art."
"It crossed my mind to waste the afternoon this way. I haven't been able to go to the Met lately and just look at art. I miss being able to do this," Alex stated.
"Alex, talk to me. I know that something is wrong. Why else would you be here while we here to help solve a case? There is something horribly wrong right now. Spill it, Alex. This is me you're talking to. I've known you since our undergrad. What the hell happened that made you come here to get away from it? It had to be something big. Olivia called George looking for you," Abbie told her.
"She called George?"
"Yeah, she did."
"When?"
"Minutes before I started calling you," Abbie stated.
Alex turned and looked at Abbie. She could see the worry on Abbie's face. Alex didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to do. She'd never been in a situation like this. She also didn't know how to explain what happened to anyone. She wasn't sure that she wanted to try to explain. She wasn't sure that she wanted to remember that it even happened.
It had started out so hot. Liv had hit on a secret fantasy of hers and fulfilled it. Then, things went dark…horribly, uncontrollably, devastatingly wrong. How did she tell Abbie about that?
"Alex, talk to me," Abbie pleaded.
"I…can't. I don't know what to say. I don't even know how to explain it to myself, let alone try to explain it to you," Alex replied.
"Try me, Cabot. I'm a prosecutor. What haven't I heard?" Abbie asked.
"It has to do with my sex life."
"If that means that you are going to tell me about Detective McHottie, do tell."
Alex smirked a little. She knew that Abbie meant well. She wondered how Abbie would have reacted to what happened between them. Abbie was one of Alex's best friends. She had always been there for her and her girlfriend Serena was the other one who helped rebuild Alex. Abbie and Serena were the only ones that Alex trusted after Olivia.
"Alex, come on. It can't be that bad. We've stayed up at Harvard over pints of ice cream telling each other about our turn to the dark side and lesbianism. Just tell me," Abbie said, scooting closer and taking Alex's hand.
Alex turned again and looked into Abbie's dark eyes. Her mind began to wander back to Olivia and her chocolate colored eyes Alex laughed and the similarities and the stark differences between Olivia and Abbie.
"What?" Abbie asked.
"I was just thinking about how close you and Liv are to one another. But, despite your similarities, you are very different. Your temperament is one of those differences."
"Did she say something?"
"You could say that," Alex answered.
"Well, what was it?"
"She told me to call her Julie."
"Her undercover name?"
"It is."
"You think her being here is causing her to relapse?" Abbie questioned.
"Yeah, I do. But, it is more than that. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. How am I supposed to deal with her when she does that?"
"Tell me that she didn't do it while y'all were going at it," Abbie begged.
"I wish that I could. I can't. I…went rigid. I didn't know what to do."
"Oh, honey, I am sorry. I am sure that it was a shock. Did she say anything else?"
"It was right after…she asked me to tell her that I loved her."
"What did you say?" Abbie asked, furrowing her brows.
"I said: 'I love you, Olivia'."
"And, then what did she say?"
"Say my other name," Alex answered.
"Ouch."
"Well, it wasn't a pleasant experience, no. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I love Olivia and I know that Julie is part of her. I just wasn't prepared to have sex with Julie. I've dealt with her. I've spoken with her. I might have even been amorous with her, but to have sex with her is completely different. It seems like almost I was cheating on Olivia with Olivia."
"After all that, you feel like you cheated on her?" Abbie questioned, confused.
"Yes!"
"That is why you are here?"
"Partially," Alex replied.
"Then talk to me. Tell me what is going on in that head of yours. What are you thinking?"
"I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to feel. Abbie, it was one of the hottest experiences that I have ever had, up until the end. How do I look her in the eye and know that she is the one who experienced it with me? How do I deal with Julie?"
"You need to talk to Olivia."
"I know that. I was scared. I was felt like I had done something to her. Abbie, I don't know what her trigger is. That is my problem. I can't tell myself that it isn't something that I did."
"Alex, none of this is your fault."
"Prove that, Abbie. Prove to me that none of this is my fault. Convince me that my having sex with Liv wasn't partially my fault. When you can do that, let me know," Alex stated standing.
"Alex…"
"Don't, Abbie. Just don't. I don't know what triggered her. I am upset and I believe rightfully so, but I can't continue to blame her. I think that George and I let her move forward too fast. Possibly the truth of the matter is that she doesn't have as good of rein on Julie as we previously thought. How can we ever know?" Alex asked.
"Julie was just a name."
"Tell that to Liv's brain."
"Alex…talk to her."
"What the hell am I supposed to say?"
"This is a big fucking mess," Abbie replied.
"Yeah, I know. I love her, Abbie, but how do I even broach the subject. 'Hey, babe, this afternoon was great, but…I would prefer it Julie didn't make an appearance in the bed.' That would go over real well. Damn it, I just don't know what to do. I don't think that I know anyone who has dealt with a situation like this. I certainly don't have anything from my SVU playbook to use," Alex explained.
"I know that, Alex. You still have to talk to her. You can't let this go. It is a huge fucking mess, you're right, but still it has to be address. If you don't take care of this now, what are you going to do when you get back to New York and you have to deal with it then? What are you going to do when it starts to affect Xander? I understand that you can find a way to deal with this because well, you are a Cabot. You can handle anything. But, Xander, he isn't a Cabot, Alex. Hell, he isn't even really a Benson."
"What are you trying to say?" Alex asked starting to get angry with Abbie for bringing Xander into the conversation, her maternal instincts flaring.
"Calm down, Mother Bear. I meant that we all need to help Olivia deal with Julie now, once and for all. If she is actually part of Olivia's psyche, she needs to be reabsorbed. It won't do anyone any good if she remains like a split personality," Abbie explained.
"That is why George is here."
"Then he better help her get a grip. I would hate to have to do something that we might all regret later. I am not going to sit back and let her hurt you, again, Alex. I know that y'all think that now is your time and that everything is going to be hunky-dory once y'all get back to New York, but, Darlin', we need to nip this in the bud now, before Xander can understand what's going on."
"I agree. I guess I should talk with George. It might help Liv. We need to find out what the trigger is so we can learn to control it," Alex stated.
"Liv?" George said, entering the hotel room via the shared door between the rooms.
He found Liv still huddled in the corner. Eyes swollen from crying and fear, hair disheveled and her clothes still looked like they were just thrown on. He couldn't tell how long she had been in that position, but he knew what time she and Alex had left the office. He couldn't fathom what happened to make them separate like this and Liv to be surrendering to her fear. He knew that this wasn't like Liv. He wondered what triggered this "break."
"Liv?"
"George?"
"Yeah, it is me. What happened? Why are you in the corner?" he asked her.
"I don't know. I woke up and Alex was gone. I didn't know what happened."
"So, you called me?" he asked.
"Yeah, I did. I called you because I found this," she said handing him the bag from the sex store, "I don't remember buying this. I don't remember using it either, but it is obvious that it has been used. George, what did I do?"
"I don't know, Liv."
"I don't, either."
"Can you think of anything? What is the last thing that you remember happening? Where did you and Alex go after you left eh office?" he asked.
"We went to Mara's house."
""Mara's house?"
"Yeah, her real home and not the brothel. Something came over me there and I wanted to leave. I told Alex that I wanted to go through the evidence and give it to Abbie. I was ready to go home. I was tired of being here. I was tired of being on this case. I made the decision that I was done with it. There was nothing more that I could contribute that would change the outcome of the trial once there was one. All, I was doing now was working on adding more charges to the case. We should be able to get the conviction with no problem. I not even worried about sentencing," Liv told him.
"Why is that?"
"Because it doesn't matter if they get the needle or life. Either way they'll both behind bars. No one will be able to protect them behind bars. Let the right people know what they were going and jail justice will take care of the rest."
"You're giving up?" George asked her.
"No, I am not. I am giving in to something that I should have realized months ago. I am doing what I have to for my family. I want to go home, George. I tire of Virginia and everything about it. I don't want to be here. I know that we found what we needed on that USB key. I know that Abbie will be able to get the win for us in the case. I don't need to keep digging. I need to stop obsessing with this case. I need to turn that energy over to Alex and Xander. They deserve that," Liv told him.
"Liv, I understand everything that you have told me. I can see that you started to think this through before something happened. We need to find out what that was. We need to find out why you seem to be missing time and what happened to you while you did," George told her.
"I think I can answer that," Alex stated standing in the doorway.
Abbie was standing behind her. Liv looked from Alex to Abbie and back again. The look on Alex's face broke her heart. The look on Abbie's face made her want to punch something. George was now even more thoroughly confused. He didn't know what to do.
"Okay, Alex, can you tell me what happened?"
"Yes."
"Alex, I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry," Liv interjected before Alex could say more.
Alex looked even more wounded by her apology. Liv didn't know what to do. She was getting overwhelmed by the situation. She got up, tears streaming down her face and she ran into the bathroom. Alex and Abbie looked stunned. George shook his head, realizing that Liv was breaking.
"We need to find her trigger. It is something here. Something happened today that triggered something in her memory," George stated.
"I know that."
"How do you know that?" George asked Alex, astonished that she recognized what was going with the emotional Olivia.
"Julie came out to play," Alex stated.
"Oh, dear," George stated and then asked, "Do I want to know what happened?"
"No, you don't. I know that it wasn't the act that brought her out. It had to be something at the house. Liv must have seen something and her brain started processing it. Julie just took over on our way back to the room," Alex replied.
"What were you looking at?" Abbie finally asked her.
"This," Alex answered, handing her the stack of papers off the desk.
"What's this?"
"More evidence of D. J. and Robin's crimes thanks to Mara."
"These are magnificent. Where did you get these? Who? Why?" Abbie started questioning as she looked over the papers.
"Mara was trying to appease her conscience. She took notes and kept them at her house. I don't know how D. J. and Robin found out about her, but somehow they did. She was a brilliant girl who fell for the quintessential bad boy. There is more there. I don't think that Liv wants to tell Rock about it. Maybe we should just go back, Abbie."
"We could do that. Rock did seem a little uninterested in the case. I would hate to bother him. I call a judge friend of mine so we can get the warrant. That way no one can say that we didn't do it right and make whatever evidence is there go away."
"That sounds like a plan. We need to go back to the scene, too. Think you can swing that, too?"
"That shouldn't be a problem. I'll get them to email me the warrant. That way we don't have to go back to the FBI field office and let them know. Do you think that'll help Liv?"
"I'll go and deal with Rock. You take Liv with you tomorrow. We need to know what it was that triggered her break. But, before we do anything, we have to get her out of the bathroom. We need to talk to her. We need to make her understand that this isn't her fault. We need to be there for her. We need make her understand that something triggered her lapse," George stated.
"That we do," Abbie replied.
"Let me see what I can do. I feel partially responsible for her anguish right now. I shouldn't have run off like that, but I needed to think things through before I said anything to her."
Alex walked to the bathroom door. She knocked gently on it, saying Olivia's name, hoping that it would coax her to open the door or at least let her in so they could talk. Alex didn't get the response she was hoping for at all.
"I'll kill you!" she heard from behind the bathroom door.
Liv's voice was clear as day. They stared at each other, not knowing what to do. They didn't have time to question anything. They heard Olivia scream and then the shattering of glass. Alex's eyes welled up with tears. Abbie's eyes widen as she ran to the door. George was reaching for his phone about to dial 9-1-1 when he met Alex's eyes and stopped. They would deal with it on their own. If they needed help, then they would call for it.
Alex tried to get her to open the bathroom door again. She heard Liv arguing. She could hear her talking to someone. Abbie looked like she was about to break the door down and pull Liv out forcefully.
"No, I can't let you do that!" they heard Liv shout. There was a loud thud against the wall. More glass could be heard breaking and hitting the vanity, shattering. Alex and Abbie shouldered into the bathroom door, busting it open to get to Liv.
"Not again," Liv kept saying over and over again.