Chapter Forty-Five - All

"No!" Liv screamed, waking up alone.

She immediately jumped out of the bed when she couldn't find Alex. It couldn't be true, she kept telling herself. She ran through the apartment, searching. She tore through it, still not finding Alex. Her worst fears were being realized.

Liv fell down in the hallway. She gathered her knees under her chin, wrapping her arms around them and she began to rock. It was too much. Alex was gone. Liv was alone. She was always alone. It was too much to bear. It was too much to handle. It was too much…she wanted to go home. She needed to feel alive again. She needed…Alex.

A surge ran through her body, electric and energized. Liv suddenly stood, as the memories of the past few years came flooding back to her and reality hit her like a brick. She calmly and a little more collected walked through the apartment again. She was searching, again. She slowly opened the door to Xander's room.

A wave of relief came over Olivia and she stopped dead in the doorway. Alex was in his room holding him. Liv broke. Whatever fears and painful thoughts she had from her dreams were immediately dispelled when her chestnut eyes met Alex's sapphire. Alex turned, still holding Xander to her chest, and smiled.

Alex studied her for a few seconds before she crossed the room. She could see the fear and misgivings on Liv's face, but she also saw them retreating. She took her hand and held it. She pulled it up to her mouth and kissed it.

"He woke up hungry," Alex told her.

"I thought…"

"I didn't leave, Liv. I am right here. I was just taking care of our son, while you got some much needed sleep."

"But, I woke up and you…"

"I was with Xander."

"I…"

"I love you. Calm down, Liv. I love you."

"Love you, too, Alex," Liv told her.

"Would you like to hold him? Will that make you feel better? I think some Xander time is what you need," Alex told her.

Liv took him from Alex. He immediately snuggled up to Liv's shoulder and chest. She smiled down at the small bundle in her arms. She kissed the top of his head and then leaned over to kiss Alex. Alex willingly leaned into Liv's kiss.

"I love you," Alex told her.

"I love you, too," Liv replied.

Liv smiled down at her son and kiss his head again. He cooed a little and just snuggled deeper into Liv's warmth. She smiled up at Alex. She just stared at the wonder in her arms. When she figured that he was asleep, she put him back into his crib.

Liv stood over him for a minute, watching him sleep. Alex stood behind her, wrapped around Liv's waist, trying to comfort the fears inside. They melded together like a couple that had been together for decades instead of months. The pain and the fear of losing them both finally subsided enough for Liv to move.

Alex took her back to their room. She pulled Liv into bed with her. She felt Liv instantly relax into her. She rubbed Liv's arms and willed her calmness to invade Liv's psyche. She felt more than she heard Liv's breathing steady. It wasn't until she knew that Liv was asleep, that she moved Liv on to her back and kissed her forehead.

Alex could see the dreams start to take over. She knew that there was nothing that she wouldn't give for Liv to find a moments peace. She melted into Liv's sleeping form and went to sleep.

Liv woke two hours later to the sound of Xander. She didn't care. She made her way into the kitchen and made him a bottle. She was shaking it to mix it as she made her way into his room.

Xander smiled up at her seeing the bottle in hand. He reached up for it with this limited mobility. She handed him and watched him drink. The smile he gave her as he sucked his bottle made her smile back down at him. He giggled a little but kept drinking.

"You like that do you, Kid?" she asked him.

Xander cooed back at her.

"I can't wait to get you back to New York. You are going to love it there. The winters and the noise, I missed those the most. You will also be the luckiest kid around, because you are going to have Alex as your mom, too. She is amazing, Kid, absolutely amazing."

"Glad to know that I come so highly recommended," Alex said, joining them.

Liv turned around. Her mouth hung slightly as she took in the sight of Alex. The purple fleece sleep pants that were littered with pink penguins and polar bears and the wife beater were enough for Liv to drool. Liv shook her head taking in the sight and thinking that seeing Alex in a completely relaxed and totally un-Cabot cosmopolitan style was not only refreshing, but sexy as Hell. Liv finally gained her composure and smiled at Alex.

"I see that you feel better now," Alex stated, taking her hand.

"I do. Thank you. I don't know how you do it, but you keep the nightmares at bay."

"It is what I do. That is one of the reasons that I joined the DA's office. I wanted to help."

Liv smiled at her. Alex returned her smile and then smiled down at Xander. She took Liv's hand and pulled her out of the nursery and to the living room. She put Liv on the couch and then came back with two mugs of hot tea. She handed Liv one before she joined her on the couch.

"Thanks," Liv stated, taking her mug and a sip.

"Liv, I have a question for you," Alex asked her.

"Yes?"

"Do you want to go home?"

"With all my being. I am tired of Virginia. I am tired of this case. I just want it to be over."

"Then, let's go home," Alex stated.

"Can we just do that?"

"If you want, we could. I don't think that we need to stay here any longer. Abbie has everything that she needs. She'll try to keep you out of the court room so you won't have to relive it all again on the stand. She is going to try to use the evidence to protect you. She doesn't want to call you unless you have to testify. She is trying to get them to plead out to save everyone a long and lengthy trial," Alex explained.

"She can't do that," Liv stated.

"Why not?"

"She can't plead them out. She has to try them. They have to pay for their crimes."

"I am not saying they won't. Abbie is trying to help you. She understands that pain and suffering that you went through in order for us to break this case wide open. She wants you to be able to relax. She wants us to be happy."

"Then, I will only be happy once I know that D. J. and Robin will never see the light of day again. I can't be satisfied with it until then. I can't relax until I know that they will pay, that Frankie and Mara will get their justice, that everyone will get their justice," Liv stated.

"Do you want justice or revenge, Olivia?"

"Can't I have both?"

"Liv…"

"I know that isn't what I should want being an officer, but I am human. I can't help it. I want them to pay for the pain that they caused. I want them to be punished, befitting the crimes. I don't believe they should die. I think that their freedoms should be taken from them and know that they won't be able to ever regain it. Death would be too easy for them."

"Abbie isn't going to give in to them. She is going to give them option to plead guilty to all charges, no breaks, no second chances. She is pressuring their lawyers to get them to cave and save everyone involved the trial. Rock has already turned in order to get charges of treason and other charges against him for national security dropped. He has turned on them as well."

"That is good."

"It is."

"Alex?"

"Yes, Liv?" she asked in reply.

"Do you think that there is even the slightest possibility that they will get off if they go to trial?"

"No, I don't. The FBI is cleaning up on this one. The amount of evidence against the Goldings is overwhelming. I doubt that anyone could get them out the mess they created."

"Alex, I'm serious. I don't think that I'll be able to handle it if they get off. I have to know that they will get punished."

"Olivia, you know that I can't promise that. No prosecutor can promise that. What I can tell you is that Abbie is working harder than I have ever seen her on any case. She is taking this very personally. She wants justice just as bad as you do. She might be going at it differently than you would but she is still putting her entire heart and soul into it."

"I know. I can tell. She is getting testy. She always gets testy when she is working too hard."

"So, I guess that I am not the only one who noticed that," Alex stated.

"No, you weren't, but I wouldn't say anything to her about it."

"I know better. I was working with her before I transferred into SVU. I know all about Abbie's moods. We both worked for Jack, remember? But, Liv, seriously, Abbie is going to take care of it. If you are ready to go back, I know that George is ready to release you."

"I may need to find someone once we get back," Liv added, almost ashamed.

"That may not be a bad idea. If you want, I'll go with you. I am just wanted to support you. I am here for you. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I am here for you. I am here for Xander, too," Alex told her.

"Why do you love me so much?" Liv asked out of nowhere.

"That is like asking: why does the wind blow? I can only give you a simple answer. I just do. I know that isn't enough evidence for you, but Olivia, I love you. I can't explain it to you. I just do. How about this? Why do you love me so much?"

Liv sat there and thought about it. She stared into the depths of Alex's eyes and lost her heart some more. She understood Alex's reasoning. Alex was the one who thought things through. She was the analytical one, where Liv was the one that lead with her gut. She reasoned through emotions and personal experience. It was another reason that they were perfect for each other.

"You balance me," Liv stated.

Alex smiled. She knew exactly what Liv meant by her statement. They were perfect for each other. They complimented each other. They knew the deepest secrets and fears. They knew each other inside and out. It was like they were made for each other. They couldn't deny their love, no matter how hard they tried.

Alex leaned into her and kissed her. She sat back and tried to read Liv's feelings. She wanted to understand what Liv was thinking, what she was feeling. It was a monumental task because even she knew how guarded Olivia was. The fact that Liv loved her at all was a miracle in itself. Alex had broken through to the inner workings and had touched Liv in ways that no one else had.

"Can we go back to New York?"

"Yeah, we can. I'll call Dana if you want and we can leave tonight. I have the apartment all ready for you and Xander."

"You're sure?"

"Of everything," Alex stated.

"You don't mind?"

"Liv, stop second guessing this. I am not going to leave you. I told you that I loved you and I love Xander. You asked me to be his second mother and I agreed. I asked you to move in with me and you agreed. We want our lives to be together and they can be. All you have to do is trust in our love and everything will be okay. I promise."

"I just…"

"You're scared that somehow Robin is going to fuck this all up aren't you?" Alex asked.

Liv's head snapped up at the usage of a vulgar word. She stared into Alex's face, wishing to reach out and touch her cheek. But, she couldn't hide the fear of the unknown from Alex, and that frightened her to the core. She tried to read Alex again, but Alex was already ahead of her.

"Liv, we'll be okay. She doesn't know who you are really. Abbie and I have taken care of everything when it concerns Xander. Robin cannot get to you again, unless you let her. You are going to have to learn to fight her in your dreams."

"How can I do that?"

"Well, you are my own personal police officer, dear, remember? You have to protect and serve. So, do that. Protect and serve," Alex suggested with just a hint of innuendo.