****** WARNING, this chapter contains extreme violence and battlefield injuries *******

Steve was exiting the shower as his cell phone rang.
Dripping wet, he grabbed the phone from the bathroom countertop, "Hey Danno"
He heard his friend's breath catch in his throat and he knew he was crying.
"Danno, talk to me partner"
Danny's voice was filled with emotion as he said, "He's mine Steve….Charlie's my son"
"Danno that's great! Oh God buddy, I'm so happy for you! Charlie Williams….that's got a great ring to it"
"Actually we'll be legally changing his name from Charles William Edwards to Charles Steven Williams"
Steve paused on the other end of the phone before saying softly, "I'm honored Danny"
"Steve, I can't believe how unbelievable I feel. It's like the day he was born all over again. Even then, I think deep down I always knew he was mine…I just felt it"

Steve was smiling from ear to ear at hearing the love and joy in his partner's voice. He repeated again, "Danno, I'm so happy for you"
"Are you okay alone for a while?"
"Danny STOP! I'm fine…please stay with your family. Celebrate and have a good night"
"You're sure?"
"I've lived alone for many years partner….I'm fine…..don't worry about me"
"You'll call….."
Steve interrupted him, "Yes, I'll call if I need anything. I PROMISE! Now give everybody hugs and kisses for me, okay?"
"I will. I'll call you tomorrow, good night"
"Good night Danno, and hey, congratulations"

After dressing Steve went downstairs and grabbed a water from the fridge. He glanced at the bottle of pills he had set on the countertop. Without picking up the bottle he went down to the waters' edge and gazed out over the beautiful blue/green Ocean. He went the rest of the day without taking any pills. No more, he would take no more. He was home now and Danny was doing well. Chin and Kono were doing well. He would beat this crap once and for all. No more damn drugs….

505050505050505050505050505050505050

If Danny had been at the McGarrett home that night he would have certainly woke to the tortured cries coming from the SEAL's bedroom in the middle of the night. Steve was sprawled out across his bed, his legs moving wildly as horrible dreams invaded his mind. He was sweating profusely and his hands clawed at the bedsheets as he called out, 'Oh God…David…nno nno oh my GGod no…' His mind had taken him back to Germany. It was a place his dreams took him to at least weekly for almost ten years now.

Moments earlier Joe had called out to his team to "FALL BACK, ABORT, ABORT"
He saw three of his teammates, including Joe, about a hundred yards ahead of him as they had reached the Humvee. Two men were with him and he spotted the final two team members, David Pappas and Bryan Juarez off to his left.
Gunfire reigned around them and when the grenade went off everyone not yet at the Humvee was thrown back by the force of the blast. As he lie on the ground dazed, Chad had raced to his side pulling him to his feet. Allen Stummer stood next to them, gun raised.
Chad called to him, "Let's go Steve, let's go!"
He was still shaking the cobwebs from his brain as they had raced towards their two fallen comrades. Chad grabbed Juarez, throwing him over his shoulder as he had knelt down next to David.

David arms were reaching up and he took him into his arms.
"I've got you Dave…I'm here buddy"
David was clearly in shock but he spoke with surprising clarity, "I can't feel my legs Steve….get me out of here man, please get me out of here"
He had one arm wrapped tightly around David's chest and he gripped his bloodied hand. "I got you Dave"
Joe arrived at their side and the expression on his face said everything. Steve was holding firmly to David as he was rapidly bleeding to death….the entire lower portion of his body had been blown off by direct contact with the grenade.
David suddenly became aware of his predicament and he pleaded, "I don't want to die Steve…..please, please don't let me die"
"Ssssshhhhhh, it's okay buddy….."
David's voice was weakening as he said, "I ccann't ffeel my legs Stteve….hhelp me"

He had watched helplessly as his brother took his final breath and his hand grew limp in his grasp. He seemed oblivious to the gunfire that was erupting around him and Joe grasped his shoulder tightly, "Steve, we have to evacuate….let's go son"
He held tightly to David's remains as Joe helped him to his feet and as the other SEAL's returned enemy fire, they made their way to the safety of the Humvee and sped away. Joe took David from him placing him onto a blanket, the team was eerily quiet as they covered him up. Steve was covered in the blood and entrails of his deceased brother as Joe handed him a towel to clean himself with. The team then turned their full attention to their injured man, Bryan who had been knocked unconscious by the blast.

The blast had injured him severely with large amounts of shrapnel ripping into his legs. He would recover but he would never be able to serve another day as an active SEAL.

Steve woke from this dream as he always did, drenched in sweat, his heart racing. This time though he also woke in severe physical pain as his withdrawal symptoms hit him fully. Pulling the blankets up around his shivering body, he curled up into the fetal position and talking to himself he said over and over again, "You can do this McGarrett, no fucking drugs…..no more fucking drugs"

505050505050505050505050505050505050

Steve slept very little the rest of the night and he was still lying in bed when his cellphone rang on the bedstand next to him at about ten thirty. Grabbing the phone, he saw it was Danno.

"Danno, good morning. How are you doing?"
"I've been playing in the yard with my kids partner. I couldn't be happier babe"
"That's so great Danny. So it's Saturday, what are your plans with them today?"
"Nothing special. I figure I'll hang here for a while and then head over to your place. Do you want me to bring lunch?" "No…..and I don't want to see you until at least Monday. You need to spend time with Rachel and the kids this weekend and I don't want you to argue with me. I'm fine, and the time alone is good for me"

"Steve, are you sure?"
"Didn't I say no arguing? Danny, please…do things with your kids man. Go to the zoo, the beach….whatever your heart desires. I don't want you to even think about me, do you understand?"
"Okay, but I'll call Chin and have….."
Steve interrupted him, "No, you won't call Chin and have him check up on me. I'll touch base with Chin and Kono and you my friend are officially off the radar until Monday, and that's an order!"

Danny grinned, "Yes Sir…and Steve, thank you….for everything"
"You're welcome, bye"
Hanging up the phone, Steve set it down and moaning in pain he curled back up under the covers.

The next twenty four hours were very painful for the SEAL. His stomach cramps were so sever he rarely got out of bed. He had made it downstairs mid afternoon Saturday and took several bottles of water with him up to the bedroom but he ate nothing. He touched base with Chin and Kono Saturday evening, lying to both of them regarding his current condition and leaving both with the misunderstanding that Danny was with him and all was well. He had decided he couldn't see anybody right now. Depression had fully set in now and he had lost concept of time. He simply laid in the bed, staring at the ceiling and remembering…..remembering everyone he had lost, from his Father to his brothers-in arms, to Jenna Kaye and Laura Hills. He remembered Christina, and the baby and Emily. He also remembered everyone who had betrayed him, from his Mother, to Joe, Governor Jameson and most recently Catherine. He cried until he could cry no more and by late afternoon on Sunday he knew he needed to sleep but he also needed to numb his pain. Still only in boxers he went downstairs and pulled out his stash of liquor.

50505050505050505050505050505050

He sat staring at the television mindlessly as he drank whiskey straight from the bottle, and of course the more he drank…the more his mind drifted to his fallen friends and he now knew he had to end things with Catherine. He knew that Emi was safe and happy, even though he had brought such great loss and pain to her. He couldn't, and wouldn't do that again, he couldn't hurt Cath in any way. Joe was right after all…you can't love someone or expect someone to love you when you choose this line of work. All it does is bring pain, too much pain and heartbreak...…

He thought of his inability to commit to a deeper relationship with Cath and he thought of the secret she had kept from him about his Mother. He had forgiven her but it still nagged at him. Why had she not come to him? Why had she trusted Doris more than him? He knew she would fight him on this and he knew she would be hurt, but she would get over him and she would find someone much better than he was, someone she could trust. She would be sleeping now, so he called and left her a message, "Cath…..this is one of most difficult calls I've ever had to make. I have decided that we should no longer see each other. I should have told you this when you were here and I'm very sorry that I didn't. I can't put you in danger….please understand…. I'm so tired…." His voice tailed off as he said softly, "I can't do this anymore Cath" His hands were shaking as he hung up and set the phone onto the coffee table. he then brought the bottle back to his lips.

About an hour later an overwhelming feeling of dread and despair overcame him. His mind turned to the darkest of thoughts as he began to question why? Why had all these good, beautiful people died because of him? And why…. why had God taken them, leaving him to try to carry on? Well, he couldn't do it anymore…he couldn't….
He was sobbing as he picked up his phone and dialed Danny. Getting his partner's voice mail he decided not to leave a message and taking his phone and the whiskey, he left the house walking down to the Ocean. The cool night's breeze felt good against his sweat drenched body as he sat down into his wooden deck chair and looked out over the Ocean. He loved it here, it was so peaceful and serene….such a complete opposite from the reality of his everyday life.

About half an hour after his first call he again dialed Danny. Getting his voicemail, he struggled to speak as his voice choked with emotion and the effects of the alcohol, "Danny…I'm sorry….I need you partner….. Oh God Danny…I'm so sorry" Hanging up the phone he dropped it into the sand as his tortured cries of despair filled the quiet, calm night air. He walked to the water's edge and dropped to his knees letting the warm water wash over him as he continued to drink. He didn't hear his phone ring a short time later as Catherine was frantically trying to reach him.

Unable to reach Steve she tried Danny, getting his voice mail as well.
Danny and Rachel had hired a babysitter for Charlie and had taken Gracie to an early movie with plans for pizza afterwards. As they exited the theatre, Danny listened to his voicemails. He stopped dead in his tracks as the first message from Steve played. He heard the sobs coming from his friend and the quick disconnect. Rachel looked at him, "Danny? Is everything alright?"
He held up a finger, "Just a minute dear"
He then listened to the frantic call from Catherine, "Danny, Oh God, what's happening? What's wrong with Steve? Please call me right away, I'm so worried"
If that wasn't enough to terrify Danny, the second call from Steve sent him into a panic, "Danny…I'm sorry….I need you partner….. Oh God Danny…I'm so sorry"

He was ashen as he looked at Rachel, "I need to get to Steve's. Rach, can you call a cab?"
She saw the fear on his face as she responded, "Of course, call me later"
Gracie looked up at him, "Danno, is Uncle Steve okay?"
"Yes, yes Monkey" He bent down stating, "We just have a case we have to discuss and it might take a while so you help Mommy with Charlie for me and I'll call you later okay?'
"Okay Daddy, I love you"
He kissed her and then Rachel calling out "I love you both" as he raced out to the parking lot.

Pulling out onto the road he dialed Steve with the call rolling straight to voice mail. "DAMN it Steven"
He dialed Catherine who answered on the first ring, "Danny, oh Danny…..tell me he's alright?"
"I don't know Cath, I can't reach him. I'm on my way to his house now. Did you talk to him?"
"No, he left me a message about an hour ago. He's been drinking. Danny, he broke up with me and he said he was so tired and that he couldn't do this anymore. Oh God Danny….find him…..." She was now sobbing hysterically, "Don't let him hurt himself"

"Cath, I'm almost there. I'll find him and take care of him. I'll call you soon"
Through her sobs, she replied, "Okay thank you….please tell him I love him"
"I will…..bye"
Hanging up the phone he was overcome with a horrible sense of dread. He should never have left him alone. He would never be able to forgive himself if Steve had harmed himself. Pushing the pedal to the floor he raced to the McGarrett home.

******** Hope you're enjoying….emotional stuff coming up…*********