"Pull it together, Howard!"
"We're doomed! We're - OW! You slapped me!"
Howard tried to glare in an intimidating manner but Vince gave as good as he got and it was only a moment before Howard broke eye contact and mumbled something which might have been an apology.
Vince grabbed the enchanted remote from his mate's hand and began to wear his own pacing path around the tree. Pressing a button on the remote had brought them here, therefore surely their escape would be as simple as pressing another button. Unless this really was a voyage of self-discovery, like Howard had mentioned in his not-really-coming-up-with-a-plan-at-all ramblings. If it was, Vince had a sneaking suspicion what he was supposed to discover - and admit - what with it being Valentines Day and all.
He shook his head to dislodge the unwelcome thought and looked down at the remote. There were no pictures or symbols or words on the buttons, although a few were in different colors, and one was shaped like an arrow.
"An arrow!"
Vince did a little jump and half ran, half skipped back to Howard.
"Look, Howard, an arrow!"
"An arrow?"
Howard seemed annoyingly unimpressed but Vince wasn't going to be put off.
"Yeah. I 'reckon I pressed the arrow button before, thinking it'd turn the sound up."
"But it didn't, did it, Vince? It sent us here."
"Exactly!"
Howard still looked nonplussed.
"Maybe all we need to do is press the arrow button again and it'll send us home!"
Vince watched as the penny spun and spun and finally dropped in Howard's brain space.
"You're right! Well, rather, I was right all along. Brilliant! We're going home! Quick, press the button."
"Um..." Vince suddenly felt unsure. There was a strange sensation in his belly and as he looked up at Howard he realised that he wished they could have done just a little bit of self-discovery after all.
"Maybe we should hold hands, Howard," he said, doing his best to appear casual.
"What? Why?"
"Not in a gay way, just to make sure that we both get transported back, you know. Wouldn't want you getting stranded in some TV static limbo world or anything."
To Vince's great surprise, Howard nodded, strode over to him and intertwined their fingers, causing both of them to experience a little thrill of electricity which went unnoticed by the other. They took a deep breath in unison and then, trying to look confident, Vince pressed the button.
...
The sensation of being stretched and wrung out like a wet flannel was the same as it had been the last time and Vince felt like he might have thrown up if he hadn't had the comforting strength of Howard's palm against his. It took several moments for them both to realise that they'd arrived. The air was full of smoke and the ground shook as mortars exploded somewhere to their left.
Vince vaguely heard Howard cry: "Oh God, we're going to die!" but didn't respond. He saw a row of palm trees to their right and headed for the nearest one. It had worked for them last time after all. As they reached their destination and collapsed onto their knees on the orange sand another mortar exploded and Vince shrieked and Howard instinctively wrapped his arms around his smaller friend's shoulders.
"Where are we, Howard? Where are we? Where are we? Where are we?"
"How am I supposed to know this time!"
The sky was suddenly dotted with paratroopers dressed in old fashioned khaki and Vince let out a small shriek when he looked down and realised he was dressed just the same.
"I 'reckon it's a war movie, Howard!"
"What?"
"War movie!"
The mortars were getting closer, as were the advancing soldiers but Vince was frozen in place. What was he supposed to do now?
"The English Patient!" he yelled.
"The what?"
"The film, it's The English Patient. It was on the telly tonight as well."
"Aw," Vince groaned. "What sort of choice is that for Valentines Day? It's the most complicated and tragic movie ever!"
"Agreed!" Howard yelled over the gun fire which had just stared up. "Shall we press the button again and move on?"
"Oh yeah."
Vince practically laughed with relief upon realising they weren't going to end up as background corpses in a World War Two film. That would have been well embarrassing. Bracing himself against Howard, who still had his arms wrapped protectively around him, Vince took up the remote, squeezed his eyes shut in anticipation, and pressed the arrow button.
When he opened his eyes, he really wished he hadn't.