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Enjoy!
I will love you till the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears?
"Blue Jeans" –Lana Del Rey
I took a deep breath and I was about to tell her the one thing I hoped I would never have to…
"They have given me about six months, Brooke, unless I get a heart transplant." With my back to her, I was almost afraid at what she might say or do. I turned to face her and tears started to fall down her face. It immediately broke my already shattered heart.
"Brooke, I—"
Then her hand came hard across my cheek. I raised my hand to my face and she brought her hand to her mouth. She gasped and bolted out of the room. I was going to chase her but I sunk to the floor in front of my bed.
Not even a few moments later I heard shouting between Nathan and Haley and I knew that she finally found out the truth herself.
"Nathan, don't talk to me right now!"
I heard her tiny feet pounding up the stairs and I closed my eyes and waited for the wrath of Haley James.
I heard her feet stop in front of me and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I can't remember the last time I cried, but I let my own tears fall down my face. I began to shake as when you say it out loud to the people who mean the most to you in the world, it makes it all real and scary and to know that you may never see these people again.
"Oh Lucas."
With my eyes still shut, I felt her slink down next to me and pull me into her arms.
"I am so sorry, Haley. I should have told you, I just didn't want to scare anybody."
She began to brush her fingers through my hair and draw soothing circles along my back.
"She hates me." I said as I remember the look on her face when she slapped me.
I have done everything wrong by her and I wanted so desperately to fix us before learning if I had a fighting chance at getting a heart. Heart transplants are the hardest to come by, it seems there are more people out there in the world who need them and less who are able to provide them.
"She doesn't hate you; she's devastated that she may lose you, just…just like me. Damn it, Lucas Eugene Scott! Why didn't you tell us? Tell me?" I could tell she was crying and I finally opened my eyes to see her look so fragile and heart wrenched that I pulled her into my arms.
"I just didn't want to scare anybody and I…I really didn't want any of you treating me differently. Hales, come on, you know I don't do sappy love and hugs. It's not my thing." I tried to make light of this with her, but my concern still remained with Brooke and how she just left.
"She doesn't hate you, Luke." Haley pulled back from my chest and looked up at me.
"She's devastated because even though she is so stubborn she is still madly in love with you. I don't think her heart could go through losing you again."
I flinched at her words and took in a deep breath.
"Don't be mad at Nate, Hales, I begged him not to say anything to anyone. Believe me he hated keeping it from you all, but I made him not say a word." I kissed the top of her head and she pulled back.
"I know…I am mad at you!" She pulled out of my arms and swatted me on the back of my head.
"You stubborn ass hole! You just should have said something! Things...yes they would be different but come on, it's us. The four musketeers! We would have tried to make the best of this."
I knew what she meant. Our bucket lists. I laughed to myself. I remember those days sitting on the roof of my mom's café and making goals, plans, and things we wanted to do before we die.
My mom…
"I haven't told my mom yet. I don't…I don't think I can bare it. It was already nerve wracking telling Brooke…I don't know if I can face her too." I finally got myself under control.
My body wasn't shaking as bad and my tears definitely stopped flowing. Haley rested her head on my shoulder and took my hand.
"Your mom will not hate you, she may be mad that you didn't tell her about it but none of us hate you for it. Lucas you are an arrogant ass who can't listen to his own heart, but this world would not be the same without you in it."
"Hales, this heart is flawed, it's probably wrong." I chuckled and she didn't find it funny. It really wasn't because I knew that everything in my heart was real and true.
"I have an appointment today. The doctor just wants to see how I'm doing, give me an update. Would you come with me?" I looked over at her and she nodded.
"Of course."
"I have to find Brooke first."
I wasn't sure anymore if I was crying because of Lucas or because the wind picked up and it burned my eyes. I wrapped my arms tighter around my knees burying my head into my legs. The clouds still hid the sun but the temperature in the weather was still nice. At this point I wasn't sure how long I had been out here. I watched a crab surface from the water and crawl across the sand and out of my eye sight. I saw a couple play fetch with their dog. Then I saw something made me cry because it made me sad.
A husband and wife carrying their infant were showing her just how beautiful the beach can be. They had gotten closer to me and I could see the precious baby's eyes be bewildered by her surroundings. Then it brought me back to Lucas and how Lana decided not to have his baby and then that he only had six months to live unless he was able to get a new, flawless heart.
I shuddered and buried my head further into my legs. I felt someone close to me and then they were sitting next to me. I knew it was someone I knew, but I wasn't sure who it was as I kept my face hidden.
"What ya doing out here Davis?"
I didn't say anything at first and I started to cry again.
"If you're calling me Davis, then this is truly very serious." I pulled back to look into the amber eyes of one of my closest friends.
"Nate called me wondering where you might have gone to and this was about one of the few places I thought you might be. He told me what's going on. I have a right mind to kick Lucas in his mouth, but that wouldn't help anything." She wrapped her arm around me and I buried my face into her shoulder.
"I've been angry, mad, disappointed, hurt, happy, sad and thrilled because of him, but Rach if I lose him again…I don't know if I could survive without him around." I looked up at her and she grinned.
"That's what being in love truly is my dear. I mean I know that you've been torturing him the past few weeks, which now with a bad heart may not be the wisest thing, but since he's been back, it shouldn't change anything but you have to give him credit!"
I pulled out of her arms and I didn't understand what she was trying to say.
"Are you saying that I should just throw myself at him completely because there's a possibility he's dying?" I was appalled that she would even consider that.
"No slut! I am saying that it's obvious he's been trying with you and he was trying to do it without your pity or obligation to be with him. Brookie, he was trying to get you back by just being Luke, I mean come on!" She threw her hands up in the air and looked at me like I was an idiot.
It was true. Lucas was trying to start over with me by being his self, not by telling me that he may only have six months to live and that I should be with him because of it. I took in a deep breath and started to cry again.
"Brooke."
It was so strange to hear Rachel actually call me by my name so many times in one conversation, it just made the topic so much more serious and it is!
"I slapped him." I said as I looked over at her.
"Well you reacted. It's normal. He probably knows that. He was wrong in not telling you, but right because he didn't want your pity, he wanted your heart."
I titled my head to the side to get a better look at my friend. This was so unlike her, but everything she was saying was leaking with truth. I did have to give credit to Lucas for trying to do this because he wanted too, because he wanted it to be real and honest, not to have a crutch to help him.
"I just…I don't know what to do. I can't just go jumping into his arms and say yes, I want to be with you, but it's exactly what I want to do."
She let out a sigh as did I.
"I mean you do still have time to get there, Brooke. He may not get a heart transplant and then there's a big hell yeah he'll get it. There is time and if I know Lucas the way I do, that man is not going to go down a pussy. He's going to fight until he can't fight anymore and if he knows that you are there for him, well I say he'll last longer than six months."
I started crying again as every emotion possible was bursting through me. Of course, I want Lucas, I don't think I've ever stopped but bad heart or not, it doesn't change anything although it could. I wrapped my arms around my legs once more.
"Nathan told me that Lucas has an appointment today and I really think you should go with him. I am sure he would want you there."
I look over at Rachel and just realized that she looks like shit. She had a rough time last night and she was still willing to come find me and sit on the beach in the sun that now wanted to shine.
"I love you bitch." I said.
"I love you slut."
I pulled her into my arms and she giggled.
"Come on, my hangover has decided to stick around and I want a chili cheese dog."
I laughed at her as my tears were now crossed between joy and sadness. I drove back to my house as Rachel met up with Clay. I parked outside and my palms became sweaty. I was so nervous because I wasn't sure what I was going to do or say when I saw Lucas again. I took in a deep breath.
"Just breathe." I said to myself and got out of the car.
I slowly walked inside to find Haley and Nathan sitting on the couch together and Lucas staring intently out the window in the armchair. When my presence was noticed all eyes turned towards me. Lucas stared at me. He was anxious, frightened, and most of all scared. For the first time I was seeing him be real. Not the bad boy 'I just brush it off' this was scary for him and he was opening up about it.
"Can we talk?" I asked him.
He nodded and motioned towards the stairs. He started walking and I stopped and turned towards Nathan.
"I'm sorry." I whispered to him.
"It's okay." He said reaching for my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.
I smiled at him and followed Lucas up the stairs. We both weren't sure whose room to go into so he proceeded into his. I walked in behind him and shut the door. We stood awkwardly in front of each other and it was almost like two hopeless, innocent teenagers waiting for the other to make the first move. When we made eye contact, I couldn't help the tears that welled in my eyes.
"Oh God, Brooke, please don't cry." He reached out to me and I stopped him.
"It's not that I don't want you to touch me. It's just that if you do I may cry harder and I've done enough of that already today."
He flinched and I hated that he looked so hurt.
"I'm sorry." He said quietly and I almost didn't recognize this Lucas standing before me.
He seemed so innocent, shy and reclusive and then I remembered when I left earlier I slapped him surprising both of us.
"I had no right to hit you. I am sorry." I said quietly trying to control my tears.
"No, you did. I should have told you. I just didn't want this." He pointed at the tears on my face and refused to listen to me when I told him not to touch me.
"I didn't want to see you crying for me. None of you to cry. I don't do well with this and for fuck's sake I am freaking out just a little bit now! I mean I thought I was okay in the beginning but now that everyone knows, it just scares the hell out of me." He releases his hands from my face and I immediately miss his touch.
"It's the HCM, isn't it?" I asked him.
He nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets.
"I am guessing you found out before you came here?" I asked and he nodded again.
"I passed out in one of my classes and Lana was there. She came with me in the ambulance to the hospital since I had no next of kin nearby. They ran tests and concluded that my heart was pretty much running low on battery." He got quiet near the end of his statement.
I scowled. He noticed.
"Why are you scowling, pretty girl?"
I was jealous! I was crazy jealous knowing that some stranger, well a stranger to me was there for him in one of his most vulnerable moments.
"I am jealous of her." I said and looked up at him.
He became confused.
"Of Lana? Why?"
"She was there for you, with you when this happened. I would give anything to be there for you, to console you, take care of you. Lucas, it's what I've always done, it's what I always want to do."
He shook his head in confusion again and I smirked.
"You just don't get it, do you?" I said now getting a little agitated.
"Lucas, I love you. I've always loved you and I always wanted to be that person for you to always come to. Finally getting a chance to be with you back in high school was a dream come true. I finally got what I wanted but you just didn't want it. You weren't ready for it and I feel that you still aren't. I hate that this is happening to you, you have no idea, but I don't think it should change anything or make me say, yes, Lucas, I want to be with you, I want to love you until your dying day." I started crying again thinking about it.
I said those words to him again, those three little words…that I haven't said to him in four years. This was real. This was more real than anything and the more we talk about it, the more anguished I get.
"I know and that's why I didn't tell you."
I nodded because I know that.
"You can't die, Luke." I began to sob uncontrollably now.
He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. I buried my face into his chest wrapping my arms around him because I was afraid that he may disappear. He brushed his fingers through my hair and he kissed my temple. I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent. Lucas always smelled like Old Spice and lemon. I never knew where the hint of lemon came from but it made him smell wonderful, it made him smell like Lucas!
"Brooke, I'm not going anywhere." It was like he knew I was savoring the moment as if it were my last.
I pulled back and reached up and gently kissed him.
"I should have told you I just didn't want to worry anybody until I knew something for sure, but I found out the six months part when I moved here. I heard Dr. Jansen was one of the best."
We both took a deep breath and when I looked down I saw that I was still dressed in his clothes.
"I heard you had an appointment today. Do you mind if I tagged along?"
He let out the breath he was holding and smiled.
"I would love for you to be there with me."
I still had my arms loosely around his waist and I began to feel him shake.
"Lucas, I am going to be there for everything, I promise." I squeezed my arms around him and rubbed my hands against his back.
"Brooke, you have to understand that I want us to try again but I just…I am trying really hard, learning to do the right thing by you and I, you know I care…I—"
"I know you give a rat's ass." I chuckled and he blushed.
"Let's just see what happens today and let's just work on trying to be friends…like we used to, we can not be having random make-out sessions or you know." I said trying to be cool about all of this.
His hand started to caress the small of back under his shirt I was wearing. All the heat he was generating by his touch on my back started to radiate to my sex.
"Lucas, we can't do this." My breathing became rigid and he drew in closer to me.
"Brooke…" His lips brushed against mine and I became lost in him.
His hand rose higher up my back between my shoulder blades bringing me closer to him. My arms automatically went around his neck and I clasped my fingers tightly in his short hair.
Our tongues battled for dominance like always but this time, it felt different. He was being tender, soft, and affectionate. Was it possible that Lucas was showing me how he really felt?
He pulled away from me and rested his forehead against mine.
"If we just forget for a moment about my heart condition, do you think there is any possible way for you to let me back in here?" He let his other hand slide from my neck, between my breasts, and to my heart.
I looked up at him and tears dared to leave my eyes.
"We'll see, Luke."
The four of us get into Nathan's Jeep and we begin our trip to the hospital. Brooke sat in the backseat with me and I stared out the window. It was finally happening. The truth was out and now everyone was a part of it. It made me extremely nervous. The first few times I came to Dr. Jansen, I wasn't nervous and it didn't really bother me, but now…I was freaking out. I started bouncing my leg and I rested my chin on my propped up elbow resting on the car door. I jumped as I felt her tiny hand rest on my knee. I looked down at her hand on my knee and turned to her. She was looking out her window and I couldn't help but let a small smile appear. I rested my hand on top of hers and she gripped her fingers around my hand and gave it a small squeeze. I saw her smile and I looked back out the window.
We got to the hospital and went to the west wing where I would meet with my doctor. Nathan, Haley, and Brooke looked at me with somber eyes. This was one of the reasons why I didn't want anyone knowing yet. We reached the nurse's station and I walked up to the counter alone.
"Hi, Mrs. Beckie, appointment for Lucas Scott." I said as I cleared my throat.
"Good to see you again, Mr. Scott, Dr. Jansen is running late with an appointment, but I'll come and get you immediately once he's done."
I nodded and went to sit in between Brooke and Haley. I started bouncing my knee again and this time Haley placed her hand on my knee.
"Luke it's okay." She whispered.
"Stop looking at me like I'm dying."
The three of them looked at me like I was stupid and I rolled my eyes.
"Okay, yes, I realize that it may happen, but damn it, stop looking at me like that!" I raised my voice and people started glaring at me.
"You know I was thinking."
We all turned towards Nathan who let out a long sigh and was lost deep in thought.
"Fuck this shit!"
Haley gasped, Brooke giggled, and I was intrigued.
"Oh yeah?" I sniggered.
"We have spring break coming up in a couple of weeks. We're going to pack our bags and we're going on vacation. A two weeks vacation, we all can afford to miss a week of classes."
I laughed.
"Fuck yeah." I said and reached over behind Haley and lightly smacked him on the back.
The two girls just gawked at us and then bust out in their own fit of giggles.
"Oh yeah Captain and where are we going?" Haley asked Nathan and he grinned.
"Well between Lucas and myself I am sure we can pay for the whole trip easily with Dan's money. I was thinking we could go somewhere exotic, does anybody have any specific place in mind?" Nathan grinned from ear to ear.
"St. John." Brooke spoke up quickly.
We all turned to face her and her face became one of reminiscence.
"Where?" I asked her.
"Well with absent parents you don't have many memories, but when I was younger, before things got strained between them, we would always take an annual trip to the Virgin Islands and St. John was my favorite. We should go there; it's beautiful, fun, and peaceful."
I couldn't help the large smile on my face and I was about to speak when the nurse called my name. We all started shuffling to stand and she held her hand up.
"I'm sorry, it's great that you have huge support unit with you, most patients don't have that, but you are only allowed one person with you to come in." She said kindly.
I looked between the most important people in my life.
"Brooke." I reached my hand out to her and her mouth dropped.
It made sense that I should ask my brother, or even Haley but I wanted Brooke to be there with me every step of the way, just like she promised. I looked over at Nathan and Haley and they both smiled and nodded. They understood.
"What? Luke, no you should take Nate or Hales…"
"Brooke! Come on now." I instructed and she placed her small hand in mine and I led her through the white door and we followed the nurse down the white corridor.
Hospitals only bring fear, pain, and anxiety to me. There were no comforting colors, smells, or scenery. It was all white, cold, and sterile.
"Okay Mr. Scott. How have you been feeling since your last visit?" She asked as she held a clipboard and grabbed her pen that was in her hair.
Brooke and I sat next to each other in the small room.
"Fine. I've actually had no episodes or anything; the medication has been working very well." I said and clasped my hands together and took in a deep breath.
"Mr. Scott, relax, stress doesn't do you any good at times like these." She smiled and winked at me.
She reminded me of my mom, I would have to go see her this weekend and tell her everything. I really missed her. Even though my attitude was slightly bad back then, my mom was the one person I would always give my most respect to and I tried to never to disappoint her. It's a miracle I turned out the way I did.
"Yes mam." I said and released my breath.
"And who's your friend? We haven't seen you with anybody here before." She smiled at me and looked over at Brooke.
Brooke blushed.
"This is one of my closest friends and someone who means a great deal to me." I took her hand in mine and Brooke was surprised.
"I'm Brooke. Brooke Davis." She held her hand out to Beckie and she smiled…I blushed this time.
"Oh so this is Brooke. She's more beautiful than you described."
"Okay Mrs. Beckie, anymore questions?" I became completely flustered as the older woman was putting me on the spot.
Brooke giggled and my face was all shades of red.
"Not at the moment, Mr. Scott."
"Lucas, please." I said to her always repeating myself.
"Lucas, he'll be in shortly. Please remember no stress!" She said sternly.
"It was nice to finally put a gorgeous face to the pretty name." She smiled at Brooke and Brooke waved goodbye to her.
We were left alone and I became so nervous I felt that my heart was going to burst from my chest. No other woman, girl had this affect on me and it was always so hard to show Brooke that unless we were having sex. That's how I expressed myself was through sex, it was all I've ever known but with Brooke I wanted it to be more, to show her and tell her in every way possible that she was the one and only.
"So you've talked about me to the nurse? Lucas you surprise me every day, maybe you really are changing."
I looked over at her and she was glowing. I went to speak but the door opened again. In walked Dr. Jansen and I immediately shut my mouth. This man always intimidated me because he reminded me of Dan. I sat upright and he shut the door behind him before pasting a huge pearly white grin on his face.
"Lucas you look well." He held his hand out to me and I shook it.
"Beckie told me that Brooke was here. Lucas, she's more beautiful than you lead on." Dr. Jansen held his hand out to Brooke and she was blushing again.
"It's nice to meet you." She said and that pearly smile was still glued to his face.
"So Lucas, I know it's only been about a week since your last visit, but how have things been. How are you?" He sat in his stool in front of Brooke and me and crossed his arms.
Dr. Jansen almost seemed like a therapist in some ways but I guess that's one of the main reasons he's brilliant at his job.
"Honestly a little stressful." I felt Brooke flinch beside me and I reassured her that it wasn't all because of her and I held her hand tightly and comforting in my own.
"I've just been dealing with some personal issues and I believe I have taken care of them."
"Are you referring to the Lana situation?"
I nodded. I guess in some ways Dr. Jansen has become my therapist. Dealing with a heart patient all kinds of factors can hurt the situation or improve it and I've told him everything because honestly I don't know how else to deal with shitty situations and I will do whatever it takes to insure that I stick around for as long as I can.
"Well that's good. That is something you don't need to be worrying over. How are things with you and Brooke?"
We both flinched at his question that I felt he was pushing it a little.
"No offense, but can we please talk about something else?" Brooke finally spoke up and I actually agreed with her.
"Yes, Dr. Jansen, Brooke and I are fine and I'd really like to know what's going on with me and getting a new heart. Where am I at on the list?"
The fucking list. If there were ever a time where I cared to be on a waiting list it was now. It was important to get to the top and I was going to make it if I have to fight for it.
His face twisted into a frown and Brooke and I both tensed at his reaction.
"Bittersweet. I lost one patient and another one transferred to Seattle. So that puts you up two spots. Lucas, please try not to worry about where you are on the list. I can tell you this, the less stressed you are, the longer you can beat the six months timeline, trust me, I've seen it." He smiled again and grabbed his stethoscope and rolled his chair closer to me.
"Let's take a listen, shall we?" He placed the round object over my heart.
"Breathe normally."
I did as he asked and I couldn't read his face.
"It's a shame, you know? Your heart sounds fine, but the HCM in some cases just drains it. I am sorry but I am fighting for you, Lucas. I see a lot of myself in you." He rolled back away from me and I cringed at his words.
Because he reminds me of Dan in some ways makes his statement that much worse.
"Thank you, Dr. Jansen." I said.
"Can I ask a question?"
Dr. Jansen and I both turned towards Brooke who smiled nervously.
"Of course, Miss Davis."
This time she took in a deep breath.
"What…what if he isn't able to get a heart transplant in time…will he…will he suffer?" I could tell that she wanted to cry so I brought her hand closer to my heart and began rubbing my fingers across her knuckles.
Dr. Jansen's brow creased a moment.
"Honestly, Miss Davis, if and that's a big if, he doesn't get one in time, it just really depends on Lucas. Some patients live their last days in a state of bliss and happiness dying in a peaceful sleep or being around their loved ones. Others just give up and allow stress to put strain on their heart giving them cardiac arrest. It really boils down to Lucas and how he handles his life from now on. He's young Miss Davis and shouldn't really have anything to worry him, but Lucas is also a strong man and I think that is something that he has going for him." He smiled at Brooke and she looked over at me.
"Do you have any other questions, Miss Davis?" He asked gently and she shook her head.
"Okay well I'll have Beckie take a blood sample and then we will set you up with a beeper finally." He smiled and I remembered something.
"Oh Doc, we are planning a two weeks vacation, you know stress free, and will the beeper do fine outside of the country?"
He smiled and nodded.
"You could go to the moon, Lucas, and it will work, just if you are away, make sure you can get back quickly." He winked at both of us.
"It was nice meeting you Miss Davis, Lucas, care free and stress free." He waved and left the room.
Later on Beckie came back, drew some blood, and gave me the beeper. She told me that if the red light were to ever blink to change the batteries immediately. She gave me my paperwork for the day and Brooke and I met up with Haley and Nathan.
We drove back to the house and I could tell there was something different about Brooke. I guess talking to my doctor changed something in her. Like I told her, I don't want her pity for any reason. All I want is her and her amazing heart. Once we were back, Nathan immediately starting getting the trip organized and invited Clay and Rachel, the more that came the less it would cost us especially when he said that Clay would pitch in and help pay with his fat wallet from his basketball career. I smirked.
After Nathan got done talking to Clay, I cleared my throat to have all of their attention.
"Well now that you all know what's going on with me, I just really don't want any of you treating me different. As my doctor keeps drilling me I need to have no stress whatsoever and when you look at me with somber eyes or give me sympathetic smiles it stresses me out."
Everyone nodded and I knew it would be hard for them.
"I am also going to Tree Hill this weekend. I need to tell my mom." I said and they all nodded again.
"I think that's great, Luke. She should know." Haley said and smiled.
"I would come with you but we have a game this weekend."
"Nathan its fine. I just want it to be me and my mom. I appreciate the offer though." I smiled at my brother.
He and Haley went to their room and Brooke went into the kitchen.
"Hey Brooke."
She turned to face me and smiled.
"I know I told Nathan that I wanted to go alone, but I would really like for you to keep me company on the drive and I'm sure my mom would love to see you." I shoved my hands in my pockets.
"I would love to Luke. I have to work Friday but if you like we could leave when my shift is over." She smiled and I couldn't help the grin on my face.
"Brooke, you really aren't acting this way because of everything that has happened today, are you?" I didn't want to ask but I desperately needed to know.
She took in a deep breath and let out a sigh.
"Honestly, a part of it is, yes, but it's a reality check that I can't be mad at you forever or hold a slight grudge on you, let's just start fresh, be the kids we used to be with each other, except for you being a player. Besides I've missed our little road trips we used to take together." She winked at me and started to make herself something to eat.
This would be the first time Brooke and I would spend a whole weekend alone without ex boyfriends or potential boyfriends, or any of our other friends, it was just going to be me and Brooke and I realized I was extremely happy.
Whew, okay that as a lot! So next few chapters!
Peyton and Brooke talk...Brooke and Lucas take a road trip to Tree Hill where I will put real life events from my life in...you'll love it probably, lol.
SIDE NOTE (if anyone is interested): When Brooke mentions going on her family's annual trips to the Virgin Islands, me and my family used to do that every year until I was about thirteen. My mom lost her VP job and we couldn't afford it any more...sad day, I haven't been there in 12 years, but I am going to enjoy remembering the place and describing it to you when I write those chapters of their two weeks in St. John, I can't wait!
So stay tuned!