101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter Jar Jar Binks will die in the manner I've already decided upon…he's going to be crushed by a sumo wrestler! I hope you enjoy and make sure not to sit on people in the future for their safety.
Chapter 32: Sumo Wrestler
Our anti-heroes were eagerly watching a sumo wrestling tournament along with several other citizens of the galaxy, where two of them were already duking it out, trying to push each other out of the large ring.
So far it had been a very bitter stalemate that had taken nearly an hour, with both of them clearly exhausted and gasping for breath. Sweat was also running down both of their faces.
"How much have they been eating, anyway? It's a miracle that those two are still alive and haven't undergone a heart attack." wondered Anakin Skywalker, who was eagerly watching the entertaining match with his friends and accomplices in his many murders of Jar Jar.
Finally, one of them got the upper hand over his challenger and succeeded in winning the match and continuing on with the sumo wrestling tournament…suffice to say the other wasn't so lucky and had little else to do but to simply go home and cry like an infant in front of his family.
"Aww, I bet some money on that guy." Padme Amidala complained, who had been hoping to earn some money during the tournament in addition to simply watching it for its entertainment value.
After the match was over at last, one of the sumo wrestlers felt like he needed to sit down due to his rigorous fight with his opponent, so he decided to do so, heading straight towards where the audiences were seated.
"Hi Mr. Fat Sumo Wrestler Guy!" greeted Jar Jar as he came over, unaware of what was going to happen like always. As it turns out, his greetings fell on deaf ears. As the sumo wrestler still wasn't paying any attention, he felt free to use the chair that the Gungan was sitting on. Suffice to say, the Gungan was crushed under 1000 pounds of pure fat as the sumo wrestler stopped to rest at Jar Jar Binks' expense.
"Aargh! Get off mesa, Mr. Fat Sumo Wrestler Guy!" demanded our Gungan nemesis as pain rapidly flowed throughout him. But unfortunately for him the sumo wrestler did not hear his cries of pain and alarm, and eventually Jar Jar Binks died from suffocation and the fact the sumo wrestler had rapidly broken most of the bones in his body in the process.
The only thing that had avoided being crushed by the sumo wrestler was Jar Jar Binks' long, feeble legs, which shook a little before the Gungan drew his last breath.
"What was he thinking?" Obi-Wan Kenobi asked, witnessing the crime scene and the sumo wrestler's ignorance that had led to Jar Jar Binks' latest demise.
"Don't look a gift tauntaun in the mouth." suggested Qui-Gon Jinn, realizing how fortunate the accident was to them. Our heroes did not even have to do it themselves this time, as the sumo wrestler had done all the work for them.
As the police came to take the evil sumo wrestler away (miraculously, they had hand cuffs to fit his large hands), our heroes pulled out the Resurrection Book and resurrected Jar Jar Binks, due to the fact they had already decided on their next killing method.
Rapidly, Jar Jar Binks went from an alien pancake back to his original annoying self. It was always somewhat disappointing to watch him return to this world after what they had done to get him killed in the first place, but it was always worth it in the end.
"So, how did sumo wrestler match go?" asked Jar Jar Binks, who had not remembered what had happened during the match due to the fact that he had perished due to the latest killing method that had occurred recently.
"Oh, it went excellent. It was a long match though." answered Anakin Skywalker, leaving out the part about him meeting a horrible death by the hands of a morbidly obese man.
"Mesa hope mesa wrestler won!" exclaimed Jar Jar Binks, who had bet money on one of them just like Padme Amidala.
Our heroes then left the sumo wrestling tournament and headed back towards outer space, looking forward to killing Jar Jar Binks once again.
Jar Jar Binks has perished in a tragic accident caused by the carelessness of one sumo wrestler…one can only hope that this does not happen to you if you ever decide to watch a sumo wrestling match just like our heroes did in this chapter…
In the next chapter (which coincidentally, will occur one-third of the way in this story), our anti-heroes will go in for the big sting!