Chapter 3: My Cousin Donnie
"The absolute last place I'd ever wanna visit," Artie Cappelli told himself as he pulled to a halt outside the police station. He switched the car off and sat for a few minutes staring silently at the ivory edifice, feeling as if it were calling out and mocking him.
"Goddamn you Donnie," he muttered opening the door and stepped out, never taking his eyes away from the building the entire time. Only when he took notice of the nearby parking meter did he dare look away, but then realized he had no pocket change. "Fuck it; I'm not worrying about that. Let's get this over with," he thought making his way up the stairs.
Before he could even reach for the door handle, Artie found himself nearly knocked over as four uniformed officers rushed past him making their way for their squad cars, switching on their lights and sirens before bolting down the street and disappearing from sight.
"Assholes," the young man grumbled making his way inside, reminded of one of the many reasons he hated cops so much.
The building's main lobby was enveloped by a flurry of activity as one officer struggled with a freshly arrested prostitute and another small group struggled to restrain a shirtless muscle bound thug, who had managed to pick up one of the officers and toss him through a nearby office window. It took repeated blasts from more than one taser to finally put him down.
Now Artie really wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. He made his way over to the front desk, where the receptionist struggled to answer more than one phone simultaneously.
"Uh, excuse me!" Artie said waving his hand hoping to get her attention.
The woman squinted towards him as she left one phone resting between her head and shoulder while struggling to dial another. "How may I help you?" she grunted between efforts.
"I'm here to pick up Donnie Cappelli. I'm his cousin," Artie answered.
The receptionist suddenly dropped her phones and shoved a clipboard into his hands containing the needed paperwork for his cousin's release.
"You're here for that asshole?" she asked, "Go ahead and get him outta here as quickly as you can. That drunken pervert has been hitting on all the female officers at every given opportunity. He told me I'd be waiving my right to remain silent after I handled his 'lethal weapon.' I swear if you don't get him out soon enough we'll be facing more than one police brutality lawsuit."
"Uh yeah, I get it," Artie replied, shaking his head as he began to sign the release forms, "Forever the skirt chaser you are Donnie Boy."
As soon as the forms were filled out the receptionist called the holding area and within minutes Donnie was escorted to the lobby by two officers.
Donatello 'Donnie' Cappelli closely resembled his cousin Artie and it was often suspected by many that it was he who was and Artie who were brothers, not him and Gino. The 31 year old was an inch shorter than his cousin and had matching hair that he wore much shorter, plus he displayed a perpetual toothy grin in contrast to his more reserved relative. At the moment his left eye was almost completely swollen shut, a bandage covered his right cheek and another was plastered across his forehead. He wore a dark blue dress shirt that had been ripped in a few spots and displayed bloodstains from his recent skirmish, as well as a pair of black dress slacks with a tear over the right knee and had both his loafers split open at the soles.
The older Cappelli stared intently at his cousin and then rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't caught in another drunken hallucination.
"Artie? Holy sheep shit, Gino wasn't lying! You really are here Cuz!" he shouted running over to give his cousin a hearty embrace.
"Ugh yeah, I'm happy to see you too Donnie!" Artie croaked as he could feel his ribs being crushed, not expecting such power from his cousin.
"It's fuckin' great to see ya' Cuz! Welcome to Rushmore City, home of wine, women and lotsa' action!" he cousin boomed, waving his arms around and incurring several odd looks from the surrounding officers.
"Uh yeah Donnie, can we go now?" Artie asked yanking impatiently on the man's tattered sleeve.
Donnie didn't reply immediately and looked his cousin up and down, "Jeez, what the fuck happened to ya'?"
"Excuse me?" Artie asked.
"Look at you Cuz, you're dressed like a freakin' bum!" Donnie said motioning to his cousin's red track suit, "And what the fuck's up with that hair? Christ, you look like one of those Emo fags!"
Hey!" Artie retorted raising a fist, having to do everything humanly possible to not strike his own flesh and blood. "Why the fuck do you have to be ragging on my hair already? At least I've got a full head of it unlike Gino!" he spoke, running a hand through his ear-length hair.
"Well you still look like a fag!" Donnie replied, "Christ, it'll only be a matter of time before you get somebody wanting to buy you a pair of leather pants and some Culture Club C.D.s! We've gotta change that and fast!"
"And just how do you suggest we do that?" Artie asked with great annoyance as they made their way through the station's front doors and down the steps towards Gino's waiting Greenwood.
"There's this big titted minx who cuts my hair over at the Hair Game salon in Sawyer Gardens. I'll hook you up with a free haircut and then I'll take you over to the Didier Sachs across the street. Now let's get our asses in gear," Donnie said clapping his hands together as he waited for Artie to get inside and unlock the passenger side door.
"And you base this on the direction your dick points?" Artie grunted as his cousin climbed inside.
"Ha ha, real funny," Donnie replied sliding on his seatbelt, "I'd take you over to the Perseus, but the guy there's a little 'fruity in the booty' if you catch my drift."
"Heh, how would you know that? There something you ain't telling me?" Artie chuckled as he started the car.
"Just shut up and fuckin' move! Christ, I could be having a threesome with two M.I.L.F.s in the time it takes you to shift into drive," Donnie snapped back as he switched the radio over to the Beatbox 102 hip-hop station, which was currently playing "Me & U" by Cassie, to which he began singing along in a high-pitched voice and causing Artie to shudder.
"Whatever!" Artie boomed as he pulled into traffic and came to a stop at a red light.
"So how's your stay been so far?" Donnie asked, looking off to the side and observing the people walking down the streets.
"Well let's see," Artie started, "I show up right in the middle of a gang fight and nearly get killed, get beaten down and have everything except my underwear taken, found out Gino's been lying to me this entire time, claiming to be a big time nightclub owner when all he really has is nothing more than a shithole dive…and then on top of it, I have to sit down and watch him get shaken down by some cocksucker named Johnny Sneed! If you ask me, it's been 'just peachy' dear cousin!" he bellowed, leaving out the part where he was nearly raped by that 'thing' in the back alley.
"Damn, you didn't know The Little Black Book was a shithole?" Donnie asked staring back at him dumbfounded, "Christ, if that bitch of an ex of his hadn't taken him to the cleaners the way she did, he'd at least be able to afford some H.D. TVs and a few stripper poles to liven the pace up."
"And what do you do for a living?" Artie asked before catching himself, "Oh wait, after the line of bullshit Gino just fed me I doubt I should even be asking!"
Donnie had been ready to reply, but was cut off before the effort could be made. He only stared at Artie before shrugging and crossing his arms, "Okay fine," he said lying back against his seat.
After an uneventful drive across the Eastwood Bridge the cousins found themselves on Washington Dell, more specifically the high-end retail district of Sawyer Gardens, which was populated by expensive boutiques, jewelry stores, salons, bistros, art galleries, a wide open park filled with various metal sculptures, and even a gay bar called Golden Boys, a far cry from the filth of Lincoln Island.
Around here the people seemed to be much happier too. Businessmen were walking around on their cell phones making last minute deals, several families could be seen enjoying picnics in the nearby park, and young couples were out having fun, there was even an artist painting a picture of the city's bay at sunlight. It was a welcoming atmosphere that left Artie feeling a little more at ease, until he spotted a purple Broadway lowrider where an African-American man dressed in a purple pimp outfit strolled through the area with a heavily made up young lady in the passenger seat.
"Looks like this area isn't as free of the slime from Lincoln Island as I thought it would be," Artie thought as he pulled up outside the Hair Game salon.
"Alright Cuz, this is the place. Now let's hurry up and save you from the Hershey Highway Patrol," Donnie said quickly making his way inside, moving as if he were the one about to receive a haircut.
Artie followed closely behind, taking in the smells of various hair care products, body lotions and incense, making it the most pleasant environment he had been in during his brief stay in Rushmore.
Already Donnie was hard at work flirting with the 'big titted minx,' who turned out to be an attractive brunette of Puerto Rican descent named Evie, her short stylishly cut hair and exotic green eyes making Artie smile as he checked her out.
"Oh hey Evie, this is my cousin Artie! Artie, this is Evie," Donnie said motioning back and forth between the two people before taking a ten dollar bill and placing it between the stylist's ample cleavage. "Give him exactly what you give me…haircut-wise that is!"
"Sure thing," Evie cooed, taking the bill and placing it into her pocket before grabbing an apron, "Alright sweetie, right here," she said gesturing towards the swivel chair and waiting for him to take a seat, "Looks like it'll be a little off the sides and back."
"Uh…" before Artie could utter another word, the stylist moved with almost superhuman speed, "Great, just what I need to be…Donnie version 2.0."
"Ta da," Evie called out, whirling the chair around for Artie to view his new look. Surely enough he found himself possessing the same kind of buzz cut as his cousin, making it even harder to discern the two of them, unless you take into account the 'shit eating grin' the elder Cappelli wore as if his face were frozen that way. "Wow, you look much better now. I'll have to set you up with my cousin sometime. She works over at the Gazangas in Blue Hook. I know you'd like her," she said with a seductive wink.
"Uh sure…thanks!" Artie spoke walking over to his cousin and the two of them made their way out.
"Call me!" Donnie shouted back as they stepped out onto the street, their next destination was across the street and they bolted across when the crazy motorists left enough space.
Right away the two men found themselves stopped by the doorman when he took a look at the cheap tracksuit Artie wore, "Sir, I think you might have the wrong place. The nearest Binco is-"
"It's okay, he's with me Gunnar," Donnie said raising a hand to the doorman.
"Oh, that's you Donnie? Sorry about that, I didn't recognize you with the bandages. What happened? Were you in an accident?" Gunnar the doorman asked.
"If you consider being hit in the face with a martini glass an 'accident,' then yes," Donnie replied, "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a cousin who needs his cousin's expert advice."
"You didn't have to bring me here," Artie whispered, "Seriously, you could've taken me to a Binco or SubUrban and I would've been happy."
Donnie cocked an eyebrow at him, "Are you kidding me? You're a fucking Cappelli man! We roll in style, well I don't know about Gino, but Donnie Cappelli rolls in style! Now let's find you some decent clothes," he said yanking his cousin along by the arm.
"Whatever you say," Artie replied with a roll of his eyes in defeat.
Being led around by his cousin, right away Donnie rounded up several pairs of dress slacks and shirts for him, a sport coat, few extra pair of socks and boxers, a pair of fancy dress shoes and as an afterthought, a decorative leather watch band, some black shades and a gold cross chain.
"Alright, I think I've got everything I need for the time being," Artie said making his way over to the checkout counter, where he was met by a dark-haired young woman dressed entirely in black, who despite her prominent black eye shadow and matching lipstick, still appeared to be very attractive.
"Hey Jade what's up?" Donnie asked approaching the cashier, who offered an uninterested wave as he pulled out his credit card, "Charge it to my account," he said with a wink.
The young woman offered a stifled sigh just as his phone rang and he looked down to the caller ID screen, "Hey take all the time you need. I need to answer this call. Meet you outside!" he said to his cousin before turning his attention to Jade, "And I'll definitely be seeing you later," he said making his way.
Artie turned his attention to the cashier, who shook her head in disgust as Donnie disappeared from sight.
"I'm terribly sorry about my cousin," Artie spoke leaning towards her, "He's always been the kind to think more with his dick. I'm deeply sorry if he's troubled you any."
The dark-clad woman stared at him before nodding in acknowledgment, "Yeah you're right, that creep's always hitting on me the second he walks in. I know his type, always thinking of little excuses to enter a shop they normally wouldn't for the purpose of scoring some ass. Last week, it was him losing his great-aunt and he needed a suit for her funeral, tried to get me to get his measurements so he'd have an excuse for being felt up by something that has boobs."
"Yep, that sounds like Donnie," Artie replied with a roll of his eyes.
The cashier snickered slightly at his reply before offering a hand, "I'm Jade by the way. I haven't seen you around here before. Are you new?"
"Arthur Cappelli, you can call me Artie," he announced returning her handshake, "I'm just in town visiting for now…although I've got a feeling I might be here a whole lot longer than expected given those N.O.O.S.E. assholes quarantining us here like we're carrying some deadly plague.
"Well I guess I'll be seeing you around then," Jade replied, "given the way your asshole cousin likes to come in here and hit on me."
"Never mind him. If he tries anything funny in the future I'll be sure to put him in his place," Artie said taking his bags.
"Believe me, I'm glad you don't share his oversized libido," she said with a wave.
"And believe me, a lot of people are," Artie shouted back as he stepped onto the street hefting three bags full of new clothes and looked over to see Donnie casually reclining against the Greenwood, placing his phone back into his pocket as he took notice of his returning cousin.
"Dude, I'm starving," he announced rubbing his tummy, "If you're up for it I'm in the mood for some pizza. Normally I wouldn't settle for such a 'low level establishment,' but why don't we stop at the Well Stacked Pizza over in Crystal Waters," Donnie suggested as he climbed into the passenger's seat, "It's the closest and I'm going to fucking eat a Vietnamese whore, and not in the way I normally would, if I don't get something soon."
"You got it," Artie replied, finally agreeing with one of his cousin's suggestions. He hadn't been able to enjoy a proper meal since touching down in Rushmore City, aside from a bag of the ever present airline peanuts. He didn't want to eat much, except a huge all you can eat buffet at Gino's nonexistent nightclub. Firing up the car he again pulled out into traffic and proceeded towards their next destination.
"Did you see the way that Jade chick was staring at me?" Donnie asked excitedly, "I swear I might have to take up that Wicca crap or whatever all those Goth chicks follow. Up my chances at least."
"Yeah, sure it will," Artie again rolled his eyes as he made his way towards another stoplight that had been green and waiting for him to pass, until he was forced to slam on the brakes.
A dark blue Washington sped through the intersection followed closely by a police cruiser that had its lights on and sirens blaring.
"Inbred fuckers," Donnie hollered out the window before Artie could step on the gas and resume their trek.
The drive to Crystal Waters hadn't taken much longer and the cousins pulled to a stop outside the Well Stacked Pizza parlor, where a majority of the patrons were sitting outside, standing around on cigarette breaks, chatting on their cell phones, working on their laptops or other small leisurely activities.
"I could eat an entire yak right now," Donnie said pushing through the double doors, "jail does that to you y'know."
"Heh, at least now you're talking about wanting to eat something you can't fuck," Artie replied not wanting to get further into the 'jail' subject.
"Har har har, always the comedian," Donnie replied as they stepped into a filthy restaurant that was especially packed for the early evening hours, finding their knees nearly clipped out from underneath them by a hyperactive toddler and a desperate mother fighting to restrain him before he could tear the place apart.
Fortunately for them there wasn't much activity going on towards the front where the counters were. They walked up and found themselves standing behind a morbidly obese woman in a matching white dress shirt and skirt that both had black spots on them, literally making her look like a cow. She even smelled like food as layers of sweat visibly dripped down every inch of her exposed skin. The cow-like woman breathed heavily before taking her order.
"Yeah, I'd like one of your Liberty style meat lover's family-sized pizzas, three orders of mozzarella sticks, two orders of your authentic Sicilian-style breadsticks with extra marinara sauce, one meatball sub…and an orange Sprunk soda please!"
"Will that be everything?" asked the pimple-faced cashier.
"Yes please, I gotta keep my girlish figure…or else the hubby goes back to that Fernando guy…" the woman spoke taking the bags full of food.
"Some poor loser actually married that?" Donnie whispered to Artie, "Heh, wouldn't that qualify as bestiality right there?" he snickers the last part, doing everything he could to not be heard for fear of being crushed under her countless folds of fat.
"Okay, thank you and come again!" the cashier called out in a high, nasally tone that reeked of pubescence.
"Oh she'll be back alright…as soon as you restock everything," Donnie laughed.
"Fuck you asshole!" the woman scowled back.
"I would if I knew you weren't gonna crush me," the elder Cappelli shot back.
"Donnie, forget about her!" Artie hissed, forcefully turning his cousin around and pointing him towards the counter, where the cashier stared nervously at both of them.
"May I take your order?" the cashier squeaked, his nametag identifying him as 'Ernie.'
"Yeah, I'll just take a Double D-Luxe and a Funkin' Screw," Artie said.
"And I'll take a Full Rack with extra marinara sauce and a Lemon Sprunk," Donnie said placing a twenty dollar bill on the counter.
The cashier said nothing as he accepted the bill and offered their change with a shaky hand.
As soon as they got their trays Donnie led the way over to an empty booth and they sat down together.
"I wonder what kind of shit I'm going to find in here today," the older Cappelli cousin absentmindedly uttered aloud while lifting the slices of pepperoni to make sure nothing was hidden underneath. "Great no bugs or anything. Not that it's really any of your business, but the last time I came here I found a used condom baked in underneath the cheese!" he half-shouted, loud enough to attract a disgusted glance from the people ahead of them.
"Gee, thanks for sharing that…" Artie replied now feeling sick to his stomach as he stared down at the food before him, worried of what he was going to find.
"So what were you doing last back in Liberty?" Donnie asked before taking a big bite from his pizza slice, "Weren't you doing construction for a while?"
"That was back in San Andreas," Artie said as he finally worked up the nerve to take a bite from one of the mozzarella sticks he was given, breathing a sigh of relief to see it was well-baked just as he had wanted. "That was a few years back."
"Really? I thought you'd be able to get a better job than that after studying business management," Donnie said taking a swig of his Sprunk.
"I got expelled remember?" Artie sighed with yet another roll of his eyes, "I was at this frat party and some drunken asses started shit with me. In the end, let's just say it required a S.W.A.T. team to diffuse the situation and the next day I'm getting my ass thrown out the door."
Donnie whistled, "Damn, I knew the Cappelli pride ran deep, but I had no idea it would be that deeply ingrained."
"Yeah, I did a lot of things in Liberty…some legal, some not so much. Basically I got money any way I could," Artie replied staring out the nearby window to avoid eye contact with his cousin.
"Eh, don't worry about it Cuz, I'll help you find something. I've got contacts all over this city. What's family for?" Donnie chuckled, accidentally slapping his container of mozzarella sticks onto the sticky floor. Daring his eyes around to make sure nobody else was looking, he quickly scooped them up and began eating them like nothing happened, again forcing Artie to nearly vomit.
"I appreciate your offer, but no thanks. I wanna make a fresh start for myself, but I wanna do it under my own terms," Artie replied.
Knowing he had to eat, he closed his eyes and thought of himself as being out in a beautiful, tranquil meadow before taking his first bite. He then reached over for his soda and took a sip. It was lukewarm, yet he needed it and wasn't going to ask for another.
"Suit yourself," Donnie said before taking another vociferous bite from his pizza slice, spraying both tomato sauce and greasy juices all over his dark button up shirt.
The double doors flew open and three men came waltzing in, led by an African-American male in a navy blue beanie and black and burgundy colored jacket.
"Aw'right, let's get some grub and get outta here!" the leader called out, stopping midway to the counter as he caught sight of the Cappelli Cousins and shot a finger in Donnie's direction.
"Hey! I know you! You're the bitch that's been messin' with my woman over the internet!" he hollered and on cue his two friends approached where they sat.
"Donnie, what the hell did you do now?" Artie groaned as his cousin retreated into the corner of his bench, doing whatever he could to make himself as small as possible.
"The bitch has been fuckin' my woman that's what!" the leader shouted, answering his question for him as he reached into his pocket and withdrew a butterfly knife, prompting frightened cries from a few of the other patrons. "Now I'm gonna cut his fuckin' dick off and shove it down his fuckin' throat!"
"You owe me for this!" Artie hissed to his cousin before springing from his bench and driving his fist into the leader's stomach, following up with a left-handed uppercut to the man's jaw and knocking the knife out of his hands.
Most of the patrons began to flee in terror, while a few stood around too stunned to move. An overweight college student with a backpack had pulled out his camera phone and proceeded to record the ensuing melee, while Ernie the Cashier managed to sneak over to the nearest phone and dial 911.
The second thug, a white man with his shaved head covered by a Rushmore City Statesmen baseball cap, managed to get a right hook in on Artie and sent him staggering back. He tried to follow up with a haymaker, but Artie had recovered in time to flip him over his shoulder and send him crashing through a nearby table.
The last thug, another African-American male with his hair worn in cornrows, tried to kick Artie, but the young man delivered a flurry of punches to his stomach and later face to send him stumbling over a half-full bucket of water.
"Bitch gonna get fucked up!" the leader shouted, by now having risen back to his feet and reclaimed his butterfly knife, taking a swipe at his enemy.
The man was slow though and Artie easily caught him with a knee to the stomach and then twisted his arm behind him, breaking it in three places before wresting the knife from his grip and sending him flying through the nearest window.
A police siren blared in the distance and both Cappelli cousins looked to one another.
"Bail!" Donnie shouted and the two cousins ran out of the restaurant towards Gino's car.
"Dude, this is so going on MeTube!" the chubby college student giggled excitedly.
Both men threw themselves inside and Artie pulled an abrupt U-turn, cutting off an oncoming Linerunner semi, and peeled down the street.
"For Pete's sake how many women have you boned in this city?" Artie hollered over the radio as he made an abrupt turn that fishtailed another car before he dared to slow down.
"Uh let's see…" Donnie said beginning to count on his hand, "there's that guy's girlfriend, Evie from the hair salon, some cop's wife…no more than one cop's wife…the one dancer from Woody's Topless Bar and Grill, that Madame Ovary who runs her own psychic hotline, the mayor's secretary that he was already fucking anyway, Cindy, Lacey, Tracy…"
"Ah forget it!" Artie growled as he finally brought the car to a halt at an intersection as the light turned red, confident they were out of sight. Donnie's phone suddenly rang and he picked it up.
"Here's on right now," he said switching the phone on, "Hey Amethyst baby, what's up? Not much on my end here, just chillin' with my cousin…oh you're needing to be taught a lesson tonight are you?" he asked, his voice lowering into his best attempt at sounding seductive.
"Goddamn it…" Artie muttered to himself as the light turned green.
"Alright, yeah I can be over to pick you up…yes my cousin can drive us over to my place! Alright? Okay, I'll talk to you later gorgeous. Bye bye!" Donnie said slapping his phone shut and looking over to his cousin.
"Let me guess, you want me to drive you over there and pick up some other random slut?" Artie groaned.
"Hey, this ain't no random slut we're talkin' about here Cuz, this is freakin' Amethyst, the star attraction over at Queen Sheba's Revue! Can you believe I'm actually bangin' the main attraction over there?" Donnie asked, his tone becoming frenzied.
"Fine, where do I find this Queen Sheba's place?" Artie asked, resisting the urge to bang his head repeatedly on the steering wheel.
"It's over in the Red Light District, you can't miss the place once you find it," Donnie replied as "Rollout (My Business)" by Ludacris came on the radio and he rolled down the window and began drumming his hand against the car door along with the beat.
"Looks like Artie Cappelli is once again destined to become nothing more than a freakin' lapdog," he thought to himself driving on the Eastwood Bridge back to the industrial shithole of Lincoln Island, following Donnie's directions until they reached the Red Light District.
"Okay we're here. It's not too far away," Donnie announced as Artie pulled into a part of the island where the skyline was dominated by bright neon signs and the gritty, filth-covered and boarded up buildings were replaced by brightly painted edifices matching the colors of most of the signs above. The car's clock indicated it was almost 8 o'clock and already the hookers and pimps were out in full force.
"Okay Donnie…Donnie?" Artie looked over to see his cousin already drooling over some of the bustier women milling about and was about to call out to one when he was halted by a hard punch to his shoulder, "Donnie!"
"Ow! Wh-Wh-What?" Donnie asked rubbing his sore shoulder.
"Pay fucking attention!" Artie screamed before resuming his normal, calmer tone, "How much further?"
"It's a few blocks down!" Donnie blurted out and kept his eyes glued to the floor, doing what he could to avoid inciting his cousin's wrath.
Driving down three more blocks they eventually happened across a building with its exterior covered in bright neon blue lights that almost gave off the appearance of a crystal palace. Atop the front entrance was a violet overhang and on top of that was the neon figure of a woman in a showgirl outfit. Flashing gold letters indicated they had now arrived at Queen Sheba's Revue.
Waiting for them was a woman with long dark hair and violet eyes that lived up to her stage name. Artie expected her to be clad in either some skimpy outfit or even dressed like the showgirl on the sign; instead she was clad in a dark brown trench coat with her arms crossed.
"Wait here," Donnie ordered stepping out of the car and running over to her "Hey Amethyst, how ya' doin' baby?"
"Ooh Donnie, you're looking all nice and roughed up tonight," the woman said wrapping her arms around his shoulders and beginning to nibble on his ear, "Did you do that just for me?"
"Nah, I got into a fight with some dumbass and got busted, but if that's your cup of tea, then you could say it's just for you," Donnie replied slapping her on the butt as he led her over to the Greenwood and opened the backdoor for her before following her inside.
"Well this isn't the Banshee, but at least we get some backseat time and normally we don't have a driver either…extra kinky!" Amethyst giggled looking ahead to Artie.
"Oh yeah, Amethyst this is my cousin Artie. He's new to the area," Donnie said.
"Nice to meet you," Artie spoke, forcing the most genial tone he could muster.
"Alright, take me over to my condo in Lakeview and step on it, the fair lady doesn't like to be kept waiting," Donnie ordered.
"Who says we have to wait, Tiger?" Amethyst giggled, reaching for Donnie's crotch.
"Ugh! Save that shit for when I get you two lovebirds home!" Artie grunted, stepping on the accelerator and speeding through the nearest intersection, not even minding the red light nor the fish truck that nearly sideswiped him. He just wanted to get them home as fast as he could before they could put on too much of a show in the backseat.
Fiddling with the radio, Artie was looking for anything to mask the dirty talk and animal sounds, mostly finding commercials and slow 'sex music' before finally happening across the station 94.3 CSKD.
"Hello harlots and blasphemers, you're now tuning in to 94.3 CSKD, Rushmore City's home of everything hard and fucking heavy. I am your host, the Metal Harbinger and once again it is time to throw up a giant burning middle finger to all the non-believers out there in the so-called 'real world.' This is an all request hour and right now I am going to the phones," the disc jockey announced before taking a call from a man who sounded like he was literally in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
"Yes, please play me something fucking heavy and fucking brutal!" the caller screamed.
"My metallic brother, I am more than able to do that. This is 'Severed Reality' by Warbringer, heard only here on Smash, Kill, Destroy!"
Artie turned up the music as loud as his ears could handle as the fast-paced, hard-hitting thrash metal thumped the car's interior, doing whatever he could to stifle any lovemaking attempts for his cousin and his woman of the hour.
"At least until they're out of my sight," he thought speeding past a motorcyclist and purposely crossing over onto the wrong side to pass a long line of cars, wanting to get them there as soon as possible as he turned onto the ramp that would take him to Jefferson Vale.
It took some time but eventually Artie would make his way to the island of Jefferson Vale and it was only seconds after that he noticed the large sign welcoming him to the suburban Lakeview district, filled with nice looking condominiums, fancy cars parked in their driveways and even an enclosed community swimming pool that harbored no signs of contamination whatsoever.
"Alright Cuz, it's at the end of this block!" Donnie called out from the back; until he was pulled down to receive a hickey from the overzealous Amethyst.
Artie ignored the couple's hanky panky long enough to pull up to a modest two story condo with a nicely trimmed front lawn, small apple tree in the center and a few small rose bushes, something he would've never expected from his cousin, unless of course somebody planted and maintained them for him. A small garage was to the house's right and parked in the driveway was a sleek 2010 Bravado Banshee, cobalt blue with two white racing stripes down the center, the kind of car Artie himself could only dream of.
"Are you sure this is it?" he asked bringing the car to a halt.
"You're damn right it is," Donnie said throwing the door open and reaching into his pocket, "Hey listen, I know you're going to be stuck around here for a while so take this while you're at it!" he said tossing two one-hundred dollar bills over to his cousin before he was literally dragged to the front door and both of them disappeared inside.
"What the hell?" Artie asked staring at the condo and fancy sports car, wondering how Donnie could afford such amenities while Gino was barely keeping his head above water. "Why the hell wouldn't he help his own brother out? Gino did a lot for him growing up, the most he could do is repay his kindness."
For now, he was feeling tired after everything that had transpired during the day and needed a good night's rest.
"I'll worry about that shit later," he told himself as he switched off the aggressive heavy metal in favor of the Rock of Rushmore 89.5, which was currently playing "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey.
"Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully it'll be a better one…although given what I'm surrounded by I doubt that," Artie whispered as he made his way back for Gino's.
Author's Note: And so ends another chapter! It seems like things might not be much different from the original, but I'm hoping by the time Chapter 5 rolls around to start changing things up a little more.
As some of you have noticed, I have indeed inserted myself into this fic as well, albeit in a very minor fashion as the unseen D.J. of 94.3 CSKD. If this were an actual video game I would definitely want a part in my own creation, but in a way that wouldn't allow me to hog too much of the glory from my own creations. In addition, "Severed Reality" is an actual metal song and Warbringer is an actual metal band. If you love heavy metal then I highly suggest checking them out!
In other notes, Funkin' Screw is a parody of Mountain Dew and MeTube is a spoof of YouTube.
Well that's it for now as you've become acquainted with Artie and both his piss poor and oversized libido carrying cousins. Until then read and review!
This is Metal Harbinger saying SPREAD THE SICKNESS, ONE MIND AT A TIME! \m/