101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
Hey guys…due to the fact that my computer got attacked by a virus I haven't been able to update for a while, so I hope that this chapter makes up for it, or at the very least you find it entertaining for Jar Jar Binks to meet a gruesome end, possibly the most gruesome one yet in fact.
Chapter 39: Rabid Dogs
Our heroes had come up with their latest scheme. They were going to feed Jar Jar Binks to a bunch of rabid dogs…which in the spirit of the holidays were formerly sled dogs.
"Seeing though Jar Jar Binks is such an animal, I find it fitting that he should meet his end by a bunch of carnivorous ones." Anakin Skywalker told his murderous teammates.
"You sure we shouldn't have gone with piranhas? I heard that they can rapidly eat a cow…which therefore means that they can devour our Gungan friend just as easily." questioned Padme Amidala.
"We don't have a pool where we can place them yet, so for now this is the best we can do." replied Anakin Skywalker.
"I suppose nothing matters as long as it does Jar Jar Binks in. We've still got a long way to go before we can finish the story." stated Obi-Wan Kenobi.
R2-D2 beeped with agreement at the nasty suggestion.
"I calculate that we have a 99.99 chance of success in murdering our Gungan friend using this method." C-3PO assured them.
"Which naturally leaves only a slight chance of failure. The only problem I suppose would be if the PETA finds out about this." agreed Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Right, I suppose we'll cross that bridge if we come to it, which hopefully we won't." Padme Amidala told him.
They had recently infected the animals with rabies, and had locked them inside so that they wouldn't tear at their flesh, which naturally would be quite an unpleasant experience they were reserving for Jar Jar. Now all they had to do was to lure the incredibly obnoxious Gungan into the same room with the ferocious canines.
They decided to do so using some pieces of candy, or to be more specific, pieces of candy from a delicious bag of delicious M&Ms. Naturally the alien could not resist eating such a thing, even though it was on the floor and was therefore probably contaminated.
"Ooh, candy! Dis is mesa best day ever! Mesa must be in heaven or somefing!" squealed Jar Jar Binks, who began following the long trail of M&Ms towards the door where the vicious dogs were waiting for their next meal. Expectedly, the bag of candy would be the last thing he would ever have.
As soon as Jar Jar was nearby, Qui-Gon Jinn quickly pushed him in and relocked the door before any of the dogs (or the Gungan for that matter) could escape, therefore sealing his fate as usual.
"Say hello to my little friends!" taunted the manly member of our heroes.
"Hi puppies! How yousa doing? Mesa didn't know yousa were here." Jar Jar Binks asked, ignoring the fact that they were barking loudly at him. The dogs responded by pouncing on top of him and devouring his body with their sharp teeth and cutting into him using their sharp claws, causing him to die within minutes as blood and chunks of his flesh splattered all over the floor. Naturally, C-3PO would have to mop the mess later.
However, before our heroes could resurrect their archenemy for a future chapter, the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization came in and knocked them all out cold, ready to take them back to their headquarters for another brainwashing session.
"Here's Johnny!" exclaimed one of the members as he knocked him out cold by hitting him with a wooden axe.
"I didn't know that your name was Johnny." spoke another one of the members.
"That's because I don't wear a nametag like the others do." explained Johnny.
"You should really get one. It makes it easier to talk to you." suggested another member.
C-3PO and R2-D2 as it turns out would enter a different room, where instead of being brainwashed they would instead be reprogrammed by their scientists to help murder Jar Jar Binks more gruesomely. Of course, the latest method they had come up with as of late was pretty gruesome to begin with.
As for the rabid dogs they had infected, they were picked up by the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization as well and taken to their kennel…which as it turns out was filled with vicious animals for the purpose of killing a certain annoying Gungan.
Just wanted to make sure that you didn't think I had left …of course I believe that I haven't been gone for that long. In the next chapter, Jar Jar Binks will once again be delivered to a familiar face…only this time he'll die through a somewhat different method…