101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter, Jar Jar Binks will be tied up like a piñata…and will be subsequently whacked to death…I'm pretty sure that you get the idea…
Chapter 45: Pinata
Qui-Gon Jinn decided to kill Jar Jar Binks in a method that would be quite painful for the Gungan but would be candy for his friends…using him as a piñata and then beating the crud out of him with baseball bats. Why baseball bats? Because our heroes are fans of the Yankees!
Said baseball bats would also be covered with some rather sharp, deadly spikes for good measure, just to make sure that he would be a bloody mess when our heroes were through with him.
"So, are you guys ready to kill him?" our hero inquired, ready to get the show on the road.
"I'm always ready to kill Jar Jar." answered Anakin Skywalker, jumping up into the air.
"Let's make him suffer!" agreed Padme Amidala, cracking her knuckles.
"He must die." demanded Obi-Wan Kenobi, pulling out his lightsaber.
"Long live the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization!" yelled the reprogrammed C-3PO, putting his hands up into the air.
R2-D2 beeped something along C-3PO's lines, and went across the room.
Shortly after announcing their intentions (which was recorded on Youtube), our Jedis went looking for the little soon to be dead bug-eyed freak…sure enough there he was, harassing several other Gungans. As it turns out, he was hated among even his own kind. Can you imagine that?
"Whoops!" screeched Jar Jar Binks as he toppled an expensive-looking cardboard cutout in front of a store. Naturally this made the shop owner angry…but our heroes couldn't let let him kill our hated Star Wars character with his shotgun due to the fact that this would be anticlimactic, so they calmed him down.
"What an idiot…" thought Anakin Skywalker. "Hey Jar Jar! Want to have some fun?"
"Oh boy!" squealed the Gungan as he went onboard our heroes' space vehicle.
The five of them stopped at a nearby sports store along the way to the execution ground, causing the alien to think that his friends were going to play baseball with him. If only he knew how wrong he was…
Our heroes took their nemesis to a nearby tree…and tied him up using some handy rope…which they had been using a lot of the time, suspending him up in the air with his arms and legs holding on to the tree.
"Hey! What is da meaning of dis? Put mesa down!" bellowed Jar Jar Binks, trying to free himself from his predicament. As before, he had absolutely no success, and he remained exactly where he was.
Our heroes then pulled out the baseball bats they had bought earlier out of seemingly nowhere…and proceeded to beat him to death, giving him broken bones, concussions, and causing him to bleed. Basically, he suffered a lot.
"No! Stop! Please! Aaaahhh!" screamed Jar Jar Binks as he died a gruesome death at the hands of his friends once again.
"Man that was satisfying!" squealed Padme Amidala, looking at the Gungan's blood which was now splattered all over the tree.
"It is done." stated Obi-Wan Kenobi, satisfied at the handiwork.
"I'm just disappointed that blood came out of him instead of candy." complained Anakin Skywalker, who wanted something tangy to eat.
"Surely we should resurrect him like usual? It's become a habit of ours lately." suggested C-3PO.
R2-D2 beeped that they should indeed do so if they ever wanted to kill him again.
And so our heroes did, using the sacred book of resurrecting those that had died…as well as other purposes for those who want to murder people repeatedly.
Of course, the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization won't be selling it to you because they're actually a bunch of jerks, so no resurrecting people from the dead or otherwise practicing necromancy for you!
Unfortunately, I have a cold and my nose simply won't stop running, so I probably won't be able to write that much until I get better, so I'll see you again whenever I'm feeling well, I guess.
In the next chapter, Jar Jar Binks will attract the attention of the emperor himself…looks like he's in trouble…