101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter (which is part one of a rather icy special), our heroes are going to run Jar Jar Binks over with a snow plow…perhaps I should choose a steamroller for future episodes?
In retrospect, I should have probably timed this around Christmas…but who the heck cares?
Chapter 57: Snow Plow
"Brr! It's cold!" complained Padme Amidala as she began shivering.
"According to my calculations, this planet is -61 degrees below zero." calculated C-3PO as he examined his surroundings.
"Thank you Captain Obvious." replied Qui-Gon Jinn.
R2-D2 beeped that his circuits were started to freeze.
Our heroes had arrived at Hoth, which suffice to say was one of the coldest planets in the galaxy. Our heroes were already freezing near to death.
"And to think there are creatures that actually live out here…" thought Anakin Skywalker as his teeth began chattering and his face began turning blue as a blueberry.
Thankfully, our heroes had fur coats (which Obi-Wan Kenobi had rented) to protect them from the horrific temperatures, but even so they got the feeling they wouldn't survive out in the cold for long. Would this be the end of our heroes?
Obi-Wan Kenobi had planned ahead and had also rented a cabin so that our heroes wouldn't have to sleep in the snow and probably end up getting killed. In other words, our heroes would have shelter for the time being.
"Maybe we'll survive this chilling nightmare…" thought Qui-Gon Jinn as he entered.
Unsurprisingly, Hoth was covered with a ton of snow. Suffice to say our heroes would have to shovel their hearts out if they were going to stay at the winter planet for long. Naturally, our main protagonist was chosen for this task.
"Why do I have to always do the work?" he thought, afraid that he would end up dying out there. Not like this was the first time that had happened to him…
Thankfully, there was a snow plow nearby (which Obi-Wan Kenobi bought off Ebay), so Anakin Skywalker was able to get to work.
"Stupid snow…always getting in our way." mumbled the boy as he operated the machine.
Suddenly, he noticed Jar Jar Binks playing outside, gleefully ignoring the fact that Hoth could be quite a dangerous planet. Initially he wondered how he could survive the subzero temperatures… but suddenly he got an idea.
"Mesa love catching snowflakes on mesa tongue!" squealed Jar Jar Binks, dancing around in the snow like the moron he was.
Driving his snow plow, Anakin Skywalker ran over Jar Jar Binks, burying him alive in a bunch of snow. Jar Jar Binks died from shock and possibly from the fact that he had been playing out in the cold for so long. Afterwards, the Jedi apprentice made him into a snowman.
"Heh heh, Jar Jar Snowman…" snickered Anakin Skywalker as he added a magical hat to Jar Jar.
Suddenly, Jar Jar Binks came back to life.
"Yay! Mesa snowman now!" squealed the Gungan snowman.
"How did this happen? I didn't even get out of the Book of Resurrection yet!" screamed Anakin Skywalker in frustration. Now he would have to start all over again.
Thankfully, Anakin Skywalker also had a shovel in case the snow plow broke down or something, so he was able to beat his victim to death and slay him once again.
After finishing his chores like Obi-Wan Kenobi told him to, Anakin Skywalker decided that it was time to head back into the cabin so that he could finally get away from the frozen wasteland known as Hoth. "Did you get rid of the snow?" asked Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Yes, and look what else I did." Anakin Skywalker answered, showing him the frozen carcass of Jar Jar Binks.
"Very good, my apprentice…now resurrect him using the Book of Resurrection…although alternately we could probably have him stuffed and use him for a rug…" suggested Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Let's just keep on killing him." answered Anakin Skywalker as he brought him back from the dead so that he could take him to his icy grave once more.
Afterwards, our heroes decided to drink some delicious hot cocoa so that all the water in the body wouldn't turn to ice. Killing Jar Jar was hard work (unless he was being an idiot like usual), but it was totally worth it.
Unbeknownst to them however, a ferocious predator native to Hoth was on its way to the cabin. Apparently it smelled fresh meat with its sensitive senses and was closing in for the kill…
Looks like this chapter ends on a cliffhanger…what do you think could be after our heroes? I doubt it could be friendly…but then again you might know already…
In the next chapter, Jar Jar Binks will end up becoming a snack once again…