101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter, Jar Jar Binks will be killed by the ferocious predators known as Wampas that we all know are native to Hoth…that's right, he's going to be eaten by an alien Yeti…let's go see what happens shall we?
Chapter 58: Wampas
Jar Jar Binks was having quite a fun time playing out in the snow as usual. Apparently he was somehow immune to the freezing temperatures…otherwise he'd probably already be dead and therefore there wouldn't be much of a chapter.
Little did he know that at the moment a vicious Wampa (who had decided to go off hunting) had spotted him, and thought he would make a great snack when he got hungry later.
"Mesa having time of mesa life!" squealed Jar Jar Binks as he continued playing in the snow.
Suddenly, the Wampa jumped out of the snow and struck the Gungan on the head, knocking him out cold before he even saw the furry ape …
The Wampa then dragged Jar Jar's unconscious body towards his cave, which for some reason was not far from the cabin. Looks like he would be having supper tonight…
At the cabin where our heroes are making themselves comfortable…
Our heroes almost immediately noticed that Jar Jar was missing. Where could he have possibly gone? Surely he'd be trying to annoy them by now…
"Say, where is Jar Jar? I haven't seen him for a while." Anakin Skywalker asked.
"I don't know, I was about to suggest that we cut his head off with a chainsaw." answered Padme Amidala.
"We don't have a chainsaw at the moment." pointed out Obi-Wan Kenobi, who unfortunately had left it at home.
"Last time I checked he was playing outside. How he can survive the temperatures is beyond me." explained Qui-Gon Jinn.
"I suggest that we look for him…but of course we could probably wait a little to see if he ends up dying." C-3PO suggested.
R2-D2 beeped with agreement at that plan. Death to the Gungan menace!
At the Wampa Cave…
When Jar Jar Binks woke up, he saw that he was in a cave of some kind.
"Where is mesa?" asked the Gungan, who began looking around to see if he could find anything.
He noticed that he was upside-down, and his feet had been frozen to the ceiling, and realized that something was up.
"Let mesa go! Mesa blood is flowing to mesa head! Mesa gonna die soon!" demanded the Gungan to no avail.
He saw the Wampa eating a Tauntaun corpse, and began to get curious. Why did the Wampa take him here?
Suddenly, the carnivore began walking over to him, licking its lips as it did so.
"What do yousa want?" its next meal asked.
Jar Jar's question was answered abruptly when the Wampa started devouring him while he was still alive.
"Nooo! Oh what a galaxy!" screamed the alien as he was eaten for dinner. Jar Jar may have been annoying, but boy did he taste delicious.
Not long afterwards, our heroes came in looking for Jar Jar…and found his remains.
"Looks like he was eaten by something." Anakin Skywalker thought out loud.
"Then what ate him?" inquired Padme Amidala.
Suddenly, our heroes noticed the wampa, which was still eating Jar Jar's carcass. The Wampa noticed our heroes as well, and walked over to them so it could try to eat them as well…
…but Obi-Wan Kenobi pulled out his lightsaber and cut his arm off, causing him to run away crying like a baby.
"What are we going to do with his severed arm?" wondered Qui-Gon Jinn.
After making sure the Wampa was gone (possibly it was off to find a prosthetic of some kind), our heroes removed Jar Jar from the ceiling by thawing the snow with their lightsabers, and then used the Resurrection Book to bring him back from the dead.
As they did so, they wondered what Jar Jar actually tasted like. So many creatures had tried to eat him…did he taste like ice cream or something? Or maybe he tasted like chicken…
"Why is mesa in dis cave?" asked the Wampa victim.
Our heroes decided not to answer that, and brought him back to the cabin so that they could kill him later using another creature native to Hoth and they wouldn't have to worry about becoming ice cubes…
In the next chapter, Jar Jar will die again…as I said, it will involve another creature native to Hoth…one that's a herbivore, interestingly enough…
Can you guess what it is? I'll give you a hint…it can be used as a mount…but then again that's probably too obvious…