101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter, our heroes will give Jar Jar Binks yet another gruesome end…he shall die through tauntauns…in yet another classic execution method…
Chapter 59: Dismemberment
Our heroes had come up with their next method for killing Jar Jar, by separating him from his four limbs. The only problem was…they didn't have horses! What were our heroes going to do? Cut him up with butcher knives?
"Where are we going to get horses? We're out in a frozen wasteland! I highly doubt that anyone would want to set up a stable out here." screamed Anakin Skywalker.
"I guess we'll have to improvise then." answered Padme Amidala, looking around for some other sort of speedy mammal.
Suddenly, they noticed a tauntaun grazing outside…and they got an idea.
Our heroes proceeded to direct the alien horse into a conveniently located herding pen (which for some reason, C-3PO had built yesterday) using some delicious vegetables…and some booze for good measure.
Afterwards, they went to look for others…which wasn't very difficult considering that tauntauns were somewhat social creatures and therefore tended to travel together. Eventually, they were able to get all that they required…albeit with some difficulty considering how fast they were. Why do you think Wampas always ambush their prey?
Now that they had all the tauntauns they needed (four of them to be precise), all that was left to fetch Jar Jar as usual and lure him into the deathtrap. It was something they were all used to by now, and as usual, it was quite simple.
"Snickerdoodles!" yelled Qui-Gon Jinn.
Immediately, Jar Jar Binks dashed into the herding pen at the sound of the Jedi master's voice, hungry for cookies. Thankfully, Obi-Wan Kenobi closed it in time so that the tauntauns couldn't escape…as they would occur in a different part of the plan.
"Where are da snickerdoodles?" asked Jar Jar, looking around curiously. Something was wrong…but as usual he didn't notice until it was too late.
Suddenly, our heroes grabbed him and tied his limbs to each of the four tauntauns using random ropes and chains.
"What are yousa guys up to?" screeched the alien.
Obi-Wan Kenobi then opened the pen and released the tauntauns. R2-D2 let out loud beeping noises as soon as they did so, causing them to all run in different directions.
"Yeowch!" yelled the victim as his limbs began to strain from being stretched in different directions.
Eventually Jar Jar's body couldn't take it anymore and the Gungan was torn apart gruesomely, leaving blood all across the snow and causing him to die from shock and blood loss.
"Mission accomplished." grinned Anakin Skywalker.
Suddenly, our heroes began hearing a noise that sounded suspiciously like a Tauntaun galloping. And it kept getting louder and louder…what was going on?
Curious, our heroes pulled out some binoculars (which Anakin had in his pocket for unexplained reasons)…and discovered that there was a stampede of Tauntauns heading straight towards them. Apparently R2-D2 had agitated them as well.
"Run!" screeched Padme Amidala. But of course she probably didn't need to tell her friends that as they were already doing so…
Unfortunately, Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi were too slow and were therefore trampled to death. Thankfully, our other heroes managed to get away…only to be knocked out with shovels from the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization, who had decided to pay them a visit so that they could brainwash them at their secret arctic base.
As it turns out, they were currently having a reunion party with other similar organizations bent on destroying annoying characters in fiction, and they were ordered to capture Jar Jar Binks so that they could kill him as part of the celebration. They resurrected the Gungan and his two Jedi friends, and then used a space shuttle to drive over to their hideout.
It was going to be quite a party…with lots of fun things to do…including killing Jar Jar Binks and making him pay the uiltimate price for ruining the Star Wars prequel trilogy forever...
Bet you didn't see this one coming, did you? Oh well, you probably haven't heard of that particular execution method…but it was used in ancient history. Look it up, will ya?
In the next chapter, Jar Jar Binks will be killed…along with a bunch of other characters we know and hate…