101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter, Jar Jar Binks will make the deadly mistake of selling his soul to the devil…why will he sell his soul to the devil, you ask? You'll find out shortly enough…
I'll give you a hint though…it's something rather petty, and something that I wouldn't sell my soul for…not like I would sell my soul to the devil in the first place since that would pretty much guarantee that I would end up in Hell and end up being tortured by demons for all eternity…
Anyways, let's watch Jar Jar Binks make his lethal mistake and usual and die a horrible death, shall we…
Chapter 66: The Devil
Jar Jar Binks was rather hungry…but he didn't want just any snack. He wanted to snack on some cookies…why you ask? Because Jar Jar simply loved having cookies as a snack, and would not have anything else at that particular moment, not even brownies or fudge. The more he thought about the cookies, the more he became hungry, and the more he wanted to have them.
Finally, he said something that would seal his fate that particular day.
"Mesa woulda sell mesa soul for cookies…" stated Jar Jar Binks.
Suddenly, a puff of red smoke appeared, and the whole room turned dark. Immediately, he wondered what was going on. Was there a power outage? Was there a gas leak? He wasn't exactly sure.
"You mentioned something about selling your soul for cookies, did you not?" asked Emperor Palpatine.
"Emperor Palpatine? Yousa da devil? Who knew?" the Gungan asked in surprise.
"Be honest Jar Jar Binks, who else did you think it could be? I know you're an idiot, but seriously! Granted, usually it's the one that you least expect…but in this case it's pretty obvious. I mean, who else could it be? I've been ruining the galaxy for practically my entire life! Anyways…I, Emperor Palpatine, am the devil, and I'm going to give you an offer that you can't refuse." the emperor explained.
"And yet somehow, you still manage to be even more evil than I am…" he murmured under his breath.
"Whata kind of offer? Mesa love offers!" asked Jar Jar.
Emperor Palpatine handed the Gungan some cookies…which curiously enough were designed to resemble the devil's face.
"Now then, as soon as you finish all the cookies, your soul will belong to me." continued Palpatine.
"Wait, if mesa doesn't finish all da cookies…then yousa won't get mesa soul!" pointed out the obnoxious Gungan.
"Well, technically I won't, but-"
"Mesa smarter than da devil! Mesa smarter than da devil!" sang Jar Jar Binks.
Emperor Palpatine transformed into his true form, which was an enormous demon with huge abs for some particular reason. Was the devil taking steroids?
"You are not smarter than me, Jar Jar! In fact, you're the dumbest alien in the entire galaxy! I'll see you in Hell yet!" he screamed.
He then transformed back into his regular form.
"Have a nice day." he said. And once again, he disappeared in a puff of red smoke.
Jar Jar Binks ate all of the cookies except for one, which he stuffed in the fridge rather than toss in the trash or the garbage disposal like he should have done...which would have therefore saved us from the rest of the events of this chapter…but like I said, he didn't, and therefore he sealed his fate.
"Where'd he got those cookies?" wondered Anakin Skywalker.
"I didn't go to the store. Don't ask me." replied Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"I've receiving demonic energies coming from those cookies…" C-3PO stated.
R2-D2 beeped in fear.
"I wonder what will happen if he eats the last one…" wondered Padme Amidala.
"We're probably better off not knowing…just don't eat any of them, will you? They give me bad vibes." answered Qui-Gon Jinn.
Later that night…
Once again, Jar Jar Binks craved cookies. This time, he was sleepwalking, and therefore wasn't paying attention to what he was doing. Immediately, he went over to the fridge, and started eating the demonic cookie, ignoring the fact that doing so would end up sending him to the horrible place known simply as Hell.
"Thata was such a good cookie! It was delicious!" squealed Jar Jar Binks.
Suddenly, Emperor Palpatine reappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Was it now?" asked the devil of the Star Wars universe.
"Oh doodoo!" his latest victim screamed.
Immediately, Emperor Palpatine pulled out his trident and made a portal to Hell appear, which started pulling the Gungan inside.
"Mesa too young to die! Mesa havea so mucha to live for!" screeched Jar Jar Binks, not wanting to die for the millionth time. Frantically, he tried to pull onto something…but it wasn't very effective, since the current sucking him in was so demonically strong.
"Your soul is mine, Jar Jar Binks!" laughed the demon lord. "Soon you'll be rotting in Hell for all eternity!"
"At least mesa will be witha rest of mesa family…" he murmured.
Suddenly, our arch-enemy's "friends" came into the room and saw what Emperor Palpatine was doing, and frantically told him to stop.
"You can't send him to Hell! If you do that, we won't be able to murder him anymore!" screamed Anakin Skywalker.
"How is the author going to continue this story if you send Jar Jar Binks to the darkest depths of Hell? We've still got 35 deaths to go!" screeched Padme Amidala.
"Please! Let him go so that we can kill him again!" yelled Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Ah yes. I've heard that you've been killing Jar Jar Binks for quite some time…due to the fact that I find it amusing…I'm going to cut you a deal...if you let me have his soul for the day…I'll return him tomorrow and allow you to kill him again. Sound evil?" he stated.
"Just make sure to torture him horribly. He needs to suffer for everything he has made us endure." suggested Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Believe me, I will." answered Emperor Palpatine.
Not long after he said that, Jar Jar Binks' fingers slipped and he was immediately sucked inside the dark portal and sent falling into the darkest depths of Hell.
"Mesa falling again! Why can't mesa fly? Stupid gravity!" bellowed Jar Jar Binks.
Immediately, he hit the ground with a hard thud…which would have killed him if it weren't for the obvious fact that he was already dead.
"Where da hell is Jar Jar?" wondered the Gungan.
"You just answered your own question." answered the demons.
Almost immediately, they began torturing the Gungan menace horribly, such as using his head as a dodgeball and his intestines as jump rope, placing him inside an iron maiden, setting him on fire, tying him up like a piñata and beating him with baseball bats, forcing him to play Superman 64 and E.T. Atari, forcing him to listen to Rebecca Black's Friday and Justin Bieber's, and tying him to a chair and tickling his feet.
"Stop it! Thata tickles!" he screamed.
The torture went on and on, and Jar Jar Binks was slowly going insane. It was never going to end. Never never never!
Luckily for Jar Jar, Emperor Palpatine agreed to let him go after the 24 hours were up…and he was returned alive and whole back to his "friends and family".
"Just make sure to keep on killing him…otherwise I might send you to Hell." noted Emperor Palpatine.
Our heroes immediately gulped as soon as he said so.
"You got it boss…" stated Anakin Skywalker nervously.
Once again, our heroes continued their daily routine of hatred against the little jerk known as Jar Jar Binks.
The moral of the story is: NEVER sell your soul to the devil! You won't even live to regret it…since you know, you'll be dead and therefore in the darkest depths of Hell where you will experience extreme agony and whatnot…
So no matter how much you're tempted, never sell your soul to the devil…you've only got one and therefore you need to use it wisely.
Now then, how shall I kill him next?