101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter…let's see, what killing method haven't I used yet? Let me think…wait, I think I know what I'm going to do to Jar Jar Binks this time…it's literally going to be music to my ears!
In this chapter, Jar Jar will die by being crushed underneath a piano…sound good? Granted, it does seem kind of cliché…but you can't please everyone when you're surrounded by fan fiction critics…now can you?
Chapter 67: Grand Piano
Once more, Jar Jar Binks had been lured into a deadly trap. This time, he was ordered to stand underneath a red X.
"Where is da surprise?" asked Jar Jar. His friends had mysteriously walked away. Where were they going? Were they going to get ice cream? If so, he wanted some too, even if it was always giving him brain freeze.
Maybe they were off to get some video games. After all, he certainly loved to play video games. Anakin Skywalker also happened to love playing video games …but curiously they had become rather violent lately. Were they using the video games for something?
Padme Amidala also loved to play video games…apparently she wasn't as girly as people thought she was. But like Anakin she always seemed to have her hand on her chin whenever she played…apparently she was thinking about something.
Maybe they were off to get some lunch. Come to think of it, he was starting to get hungry. Why hadn't they brought him with them? He could eat virtually anything...in fact, he wondered if he would chew off his own leg if he ever got particularly hungry.
Maybe they had gone off to the store to get some groceries. However, the grocery wasn't far from the house….what was taking them so long?
Curious, he decided to look up, and noticed that there was a grand piano hanging from a narrow piece of rope several feet above his head. Suddenly, he realized what his friends were up to.
"Oh boy! Mesa friends are gonna give mesa piano lessons!" squealed Jar Jar Binks.
Well, not quite.
Soon enough, Anakin Skywalker and his friends came back with some scissors and began springing the trap. Unfortunate, the scissors turned out to be safety ones, which made it difficult to cut the rope and therefore made it difficult to kill Jar Jar Binks.
"Whose bright idea was it to buy safety scissors?" asked the Jedi apprentice.
"You should know that scissors can be quite dangerous." C-3PO asked.
"So it was you!" answered Anakin Skywalker.
R2-D2 beeped with fear. He got a feeling what was going to happen next.
Angered, Padme Amidala decided to push C-3PO onto the red X with Jar Jar Binks, just as Anakin finally finished cutting, causing both of them to be crushed to death.
R2-D2 beeped sadly. Boo hoo.
"Take that, C-3PO and Jar Jar Binks!" bellowed Anakin.
"I see that you killed the Gungan…but why did you also kill C-3PO?" asked Obi-Wan Kenobi, who had just now come in the room.
"He was starting to get as annoying as Jar Jar. That's what I call a C Flat…" answered Padme.
"I suppose you've got a pretty good point…" Qui-Gon Jinn stated.
As it turns out, an Anti-C3PO Society had been formed recently by angry Star Wars fans, and they had asked the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization if they could brainwash them so that they would gruesomely murder C-3PO every once in a while as well.
Interestingly enough, most of the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization agreed, as they were good friends with the Anti-C3PO Organization (they were both Star Wars fans that hated a particular character in the franchise) and would like to do them a favor.
Afterwards, our heroes somehow lifted the grand piano off of C-3PO and Jar Jar Binks (the occasional steroid injection was helpful, even if it made them bloodthirsty maniacs), and used the Book of Resurrection to bring them back from the fiery depths of Hell, which interestingly enough the latter had visited in the last chapter.
Unfortunately, Jar Jar Binks once again noticed the piano (it was covered with his blood and robot remains, but he decided to ignore that) and asked if he could have piano lessons…reluctantly, our heroes decided to agree to his demands simply to stop him from whining and therefore annoy them even more than usual.
"Yay! Mesa so happy!" he squealed, clapping his hands together.
Unfortunately, Jar Jar was a horrible pianist, and before long he was playing so loudly that he was making our heroes' ears bleed.
"Make it stop!" screamed Anakin Skywalker.
"We must do something, my apprentice!" yelled Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"What's that? I can't hear you! I think I'm going deaf!" answered Anakin Skywalker.
Obi-Wan Kenobi groaned.
"You know what they say…you can tune a piano…but you can't tune a fish." stated Padme Amidala.
"Padme, you're a genius…you just gave us our next killing suggestion." replied Qui-Gon Jinn.
"I'm a genius?" asked Padme.
"Well, you have an IQ of 150, so yes. Anyways, let's take Jar Jar to the latest aquarium, shall we?" asked Anakin Skywalker.
"Yay! Mesa love da aquarium! Just like mesa love water! Can wesa go swimming latta?" squealed Jar Jar Binks.
Can you guess how our heroes are going to kill Jar Jar this time? I'll give you a hint…it's not going to be sharks…why you ask? Because I already included a shark in the last chapter…in case you've been reading this story from start to finish…
I'll give you a hint though…they say these particular fish are great at creating instant skeletons…although interestingly enough in reality they're mainly nuisances…just like the urban legends surrounding sharks tend to be untrue and that they in fact rarely attack people…and that most of them are generally quite small…in fact, one of them is similar to a whale…which interestingly enough never seems to be in horror movies…
Anyways, I'll see you in the next chapter…which hopefully will be coming soon…