101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
I recall mentioning something about murdering Jar Jar with piranhas, did I not? Well, I just thought of the next way to kill Jar Jar…as for making it something perverted…well I guess I'll do something rather mild…I don't want to gross you guys out too much…even if the Gungan's deaths tend to be very violent nowadays…
Let's watch Jar Jar sleep with the fishes for the second time after the Jaws reenactment…why the sharks keep coming back after they keep being harpooned, I'm not exactly sure…but that's offtopic…
So, let's watch the Gungan die a horrible death just like he has already done so many times…it's what you've all been waiting for…
Chapter 69: Piranhas
Jar Jar Binks was overjoyed to visit the overly-sized aquarium…after all, Gungans were awfully fond of water…in fact, their kingdom was essentially the Star Wars equivalent of Atlantis…
"When are we going to get to kill him? It's taking forever!" Anakin Skywalker asked. He was getting rather impatient.
"As soon as we reach the piranha exhibit." answered Obi-Wan Kenobi. "Unless you want to kill him using some other sort of sea creature?"
"No thanks, we're good. Death by piranhas!" squealed Padme Amidala.
Our heroes showed him all the fishes and other aquatic animals that existed in the aquarium…waiting eagerly for the point where they could show him the piranha exhibit…and then toss him in so that the little fishies would have their fish food.
Suddenly, they remembered something important…the aquarium had security cameras all over the facility…if they tried murdering Jar Jar while they were active; they would be likely to be arrested by the intergalactic police and sent to jail for five consecutive lifetimes, meaning they wouldn't be able to kill Jar Jar again. They would need to do something about them.
Our heroes decided to search the fabled Book of Resurrection to see if they could find any spell they could use to make sure they would get away with their horrible crimes. As it turns out, they had a spell that would disable security cameras. Whoever wrote the book had thought of everything.
After making sure that nobody (well, aside from them of course) would see their grisly work, our heroes decided it was time to dunk Jar Jar in…and so they did, with him making an enormous splash.
"I'm all wet!" complained Qui-Gon Jinn.
"At least he's where we want him now." stated Anakin Skywalker.
"What are yousa guys up to?" questioned Jar Jar.
Unfortunately, the piranhas weren't nearly as vicious as Hollywood movies would suggest…in fact, the worst they did was bite him in the butt.
"Ouchies! Mesa butt!" screeched Jar Jar.
Our heroes realized that they would need to do something to make the piranhas vicious…but what?
As usual, they decided to check the Book of Resurrection…apparently, there was a spell they could use to make the piranhas more vicious…it would fill them with the same hatred they had for Jar Jar.
Our heroes activated the spell. The effect was almost instantaneous, the piranhas began swarming the Gungan and turned him into a skeleton…suffice to say, his blood began filling the tank, and the poor fishies suffocated in the process.
C-3PO reached out so that he could grab Jar Jar's carcass, but unfortunately he wasn't waterproof and he exploded on contact with the water.
R2-D2 beeped sadly. Why did this always happen to his friend? Why did people hate him so much? If anyone, they should probably be hating the Emperor or Grand Moff Tarkin.
Suddenly, the Anti-Jar Jar Organization (who were all dressed in scuba gear, curiously enough) came out of the water tanks and began kidnapping our heroes. It was time for their next brainwashing.
One of the members was unfortunately grimy and would need to take a bath, as he had emerged from the septic tank.
"What were you thinking?!" yelled the other members, horrified at his rancid smell.
"Umm…" murmured the unfortunate member.
The Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization then resurrected the piranhas and Jar Jar, planning to bring the latter to their base for his next execution. It was always fun to do the job themselves every once in a while.
Interestingly enough, they had an aquatic base…but that's a story for another day.
I said it was going to be rather mild…but it was funny to watch the piranhas bite Jar Jar in the butt, wasn't it? Of course, he deserved far worse than that…but what does it matter? Once again, the Gungan will be executed by the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization…and the heroes are going to start murdering the Gungan in even more gruesome ways than usual…not like they weren't gruesome already…