101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter, the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization will once again get their chance to execute Jar Jar Binks…we haven't seen them in a while, now haven't we? Since they can't let our heroes have all the fun, they shall now be killing Jar Jar by freezing him in carbonite!
That's what you wanted, was it not? Of course, doing that to him might not be gruesome enough…so I've decided to add a little twist to it as usual…
What will be? You'll find out.
Chapter 70: Carbonite
As usual, things were busy at the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization base. They were all excited that they were going to get to murder Jar Jar Binks again. He had died dozens of times, and now it was time for him to die for the seventh time here at their base.
"So, just recently you built a carbonite chamber so that we can freeze Jar Jar, am I correct?" asked the leader of the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization.
The scientist nodded, pointing to the overly-sized machine with a knob for setting how much carbonite was to be used. The boss wondered how much money they had spent on it…but he ultimately decided it was worth every penny if it would murder Jar Jar Binks gruesomely.
"Sooo…do you wish to test it out on him? I don't have all day, you know." he asked.
"If it means killing him, then yes. Bring that little demon in!" answered the boss.
Immediately, some of the more muscular members of the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization brought in Jar Jar Binks, who was kicking and screaming. The boss wondered why.
"Yousa not ganna kill mesa again! Let go of mesa arms! Mesa like mesa arms! Let mesa go!" Jar Jar screamed.
"Toss him in." stated the boss.
Soon enough, the scientists sealed Jar Jar Binks inside the carbonite chamber. In just a few seconds, he would end up just like Han Solo, and he would look just like a sculpture in a museum.
"First da toxic gas, now dis! What are yousa guys up to?" complained the Gungan, who was already banging on the door.
"Hmm…he's starting to remember the murders we've committed…that might pose a problem in the future." thought the Boss. Why was he so smart all of a sudden?
Immediately, Jar Jar Binks was frozen solid…the members of the organization wondered if they should place him in a museum.
Unfortunately, there was a problem…the Gungan wasn't dead. They had failed. The scientists could detect his pulse.
"Well of course he's not…being frozen in carbonite isn't lethal…all it does is blind you temporarily." stated the boss of the organization.
The members began wondering what they were going to do with the frozen Jar Jar. Should they try to thaw him out and watch him stumble around blindly? That didn't sound like it would hurt him too much, and it certainly wouldn't make a great killing method.
Or maybe they could donate him to a museum…problem is, they would probably notice if he was trapped in there…and they would get seriously sued or something. That was clearly out of the question.
Suddenly, one of the members got a rather violent idea. He went to the weapons room and brought back a bunch of blunt weapons.
"I say we use these and start smashing Jar Jar to pieces! Death to Jar Jar!" squealed the bloodthirsty member.
The other members agreed to this idea, and started smashing the carbonite sculpture to pieces with the overly-sized hammers that were surprisingly light for their size…this naturally was quite lethal to Jar Jar and killed him rapidly as he became a bloodstained mess. May the Gungan rest in pieces.
"Now then, we should get him back to his folks…I already gave them a list of executions they can use so they can kill him faster." the boss ordered.
"Ah yes, wouldn't want them to run out of ideas, now would they?" agreed the second-in-command of the group.
As it turns out, they were being forced to watch Barney and Friends…who interestingly enough had an Anti-Barney the Dinosaur and His Little Dinosaur Friends Organization that was far larger than theirs was, and the dinosaur was currently being executed by tar pit. Due to the fact they were always killing him and donating him to museums, they never ran out of funding, so they always had new ways to kill him.
"Too bad nobody wants him as a science experiment." complained one of the scientists. He wondered if they were going to go bankrupt all day from all their crazy inventions.
Afterwards, the priests (who were dedicated to sacrificing Jar Jar to appease our lord and our savior, curiously enough) of the organization brought in the Book of Resurrection they wrote so that they could bring him back from the dead.
"Why do mesa always come back from dead? Mesa must be immortal!" wondered Jar Jar.
"He's on to us. Hit him on the head!" ordered on the Boss.
The priest whacked him on the head with a shovel, causing him to lose the memories of the event.
Jar Jar Binks and all of his friends were then tossed into a van, which was big enough to hold all seven of them. It then drove 100 miles an hour towards their house…why they didn't get a speeding ticket, the galaxy may never know.
"Curious, I found this list inside that van." spoke Anakin Skywalker. "It has a bunch of killing methods we can use on Jar Jar."
"Which one…" thought Padme Amidala.
Our heroes began examining the list. It was rather long, and therefore was full of suggestions they could use…
"We could try dipping him in acid…" suggested Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Or maybe we could toss him in a car crusher." argued Qui-Gon Jinn.
"What do you think, R2-D2?" asked C-3PO.
R2-D2 began beeping rapidly…suddenly he malfunctioned and exploded.
"What happened?!" screamed Padme Amidala.
"It must have been a programming error." stated Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Or maybe he got tired of people being unable to understand him. All he ever does is beep." questioned Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Either way, we're going to have to rebuild him from scratch." complained Anakin Skywalker.
And so our heroes began repairing R2-D2…which unfortunately took the rest of the chapter.
Afterwards, they began thinking of an execution method they could use from the list. So many choices…and so little they could actually use.
But eventually, Anakin Skywalker decided to choose one…curiously, it reminded him of an epic battle he would have in the future…he wasn't sure why.
So, what did you think about this chapter?
In the next chapter, Jar Jar Binks will end up like the Wicked Witch of the West…and before you ask, I'm not going to dip him into acid…I'm going to dip him in something else…something hot…
Any guesses? I'm waiting…