101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter, our heroes will have to take on an evil clown that can shapeshift into their worst fears…and naturally said evil clown will gruesomely murder Jar Jar Binks. After all, that's what you want, isn't it?
Mind you, this chapter is going to be rather long; after all, the book this evil clown starred in was over 1000 pages…has any of you actually read the whole thing? It certainly would be a marathon…I wonder if I could even carry that book…
So, if you don't mind reading a rather long story about our heroes' battle with a psychotic clown that makes the Joker seem tame…then feel free to read this chapter and continue on with the story of how our heroes killed Jar Jar Binks one hundred and one times.
Chapter 73: Evil Clown
Today was going to be a big day for Jar Jar Binks, as today he would be competing in a paper boat race. He was going to a local river so that he could practice, so our heroes decided to leave him to his own devices while they prepared a new way to kill him.
As they did so, they read on the newspaper that a series of gruesome murders had occurred in their hometown recently. Disturbingly, most of the victims were children. What was going on?
"It says here that the victims were apparently eaten. Who would do such a thing?" questioned Padme Amidala.
"Probably someone who's sick and disgusting." answered Kid Vader. Whoever did this was clearly not right in the head.
"I sense a great disturbance in the force." Obi-Wan Kenobi stated. He wondered if the darkest depths of Hell would be too good for whatever serial killer was responsible.
"You always say that whenever you sense something's wrong." pointed out the kid cyborg.
"What can I say? When there's an imbalance in the force, it means that something terrible has happened. You should know that, young Jedi." explained Qui-Gon Jinn.
"You sure we should have let Jar Jar Binks go out alone when there's a serial killer on the loose?" asked C-3PO.
R2-D2 beeped with fear.
"Who cares about Jar Jar Binks? We've already murdered him so many times…why does it matter if he gets killed now?" inquired Padme Amidala.
Meanwhile near a sewer drain…
"Dang nabbit! Mesa paper boat fell in da sewer!" screamed Jar Jar Binks. How was he going to get it back in time for the race?
He decided that he might as well start searching for it, and he was about to reach his arm into the drain when suddenly a rather mysterious fellow appeared.
"Are you looking for your boat?" he asked. "I've got it right here."
The Gungan noticed that he appeared to be a clown of some kind…but what the heck was he doing in a sewer?
"Mesa dunno, why are yousa hanging out in da sewer? It's filthy down dere. Yousa probably gonna need bath." pointed out the Gungan.
"Because my dear friend, there are all sorts of fun things down here. To be more specific, there are cotton candy, roller coasters, and best of all, there are balloons! Did I mention that they float?" stated the evil clown.
"Oh boyz! Dat sounds like fun." squealed Jar Jar Binks, who reached for his paper boat.
That was a fatal mistake, as he discovered shortly.
"Down here you'll float too!" shouted the monster clown, as he ripped the Gungan's arm clean off. Apparently he had been taking steroids.
"Dat was mesa writing hand!" complained the Gungan. Shortly afterwards, he died from massive blood loss.
The evil clown then dragged the alien's body down in the sewers, and began devouring his corpse. He was far from his first victim, and he certainly wouldn't be his last.
Back at the fun house, I mean our heroes' house…
"Where is Jar Jar Binks? He should have come back by now. The paper boat race has already ended!" exclaimed Kid Vader.
"You're right, that is strange…why isn't he here yet? I was about to kill him by playing a game of knife throwing with him." agreed Padme Amidala.
"One of us has to go look for him." suggested Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"I guess I'll go. I've got a lot of time on my hands." nodded the only girl in the entire galaxy.
"Be careful. I get the feeling that there's a monster on the loose." C-3PO suggested.
Padme Amidala told him that she would be careful, and went to look for the pesky Gungan.
Soon enough, she found Jar Jar Binks…more specifically what little remained of him.
"What the crap?!" she screamed.
Our heroine went back to the house to inform her friends of the bad news. It looked like they wouldn't be able to kill him today.
"Who in the galaxy would do this? Well, aside from us, of course." wondered Qui-Gon Jinn.
Frustrated, Kid Vader decided to look for his album of Jar Jar Binks. Maybe he could rip up a picture of him or two. It wasn't as good as actually killing him, but at least it was something.
Eventually, he decided to pick out of a picture of him smiling, after all, it was rather annoying.
Suddenly however, he noticed that the picture seemed a little…odd.
Out of nowhere, the picture suddenly winked at him, causing him to soil his pants and nearly short-circuit.
"What kind of demonic sorcery is this?!" yelled out Kid Vader.
Not long afterwards, the album started oozing with blood, causing him to scream like a little girl.
Naturally, this scream was heard by Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Are you alright, my apprentice?" he asked.
"It was horrifying! The picture of Jar Jar Binks winked…and then blood came out of the album!" bellowed Kid Vader.
"Blood? I don't see any blood. This album looks fine to me." Obi-Wan Kenobi told his apprentice.
Kid Vader scratched his head. Was it all just a bad dream?
The next day…
The cyborg Jedi stepped outside and wondered who in the galaxy could have killed Jar Jar Binks so gruesomely. Whoever it was, it was clearly some sort of supernatural entity. He also got the feeling that it was pure evil.
As it turns out, "It" was the key word.
Suddenly, he heard what appeared to be a carnival of some kind. But who the heck would open a carnival so close to his house?
Curious, he looked around, and noticed that a rather strange clown was riding a horse on a merry-go-round.
"Hey there kid! You want to go on a ride with me?" asked the clown that had murdered Jar Jar Binks.
"No thanks, you creep me out. And I don't even know your name!" our main protagonist asked him.
"You can call me Pennywise the Clown. Pennywise for short!" he squealed.
There was something about that name…curious, Kid Vader decided to check his book about horror icons. Why he carried around a book about horror icons, I have no idea.
After surfing through the pages (including the horror icons he and his friends had encountered before, such as Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger), he suddenly found a horror icon that looked similar to the clown that was right in front of him.
"What are you reading, kid? Can I read too?" the evil clown asked.
He started reading the book…and shortly afterwards he soiled his pants. Apparently, Pennywise was a shapeshifting monster that feasted on worlds, and on children.
Out of nowhere, the evil clown shapeshifted into Kid Vader's worst fear…Obi-Wan Kenobi wearing a woman's dress. And he was wielding an enormous lightsaber!
Once again, he screamed like a little girl and ran back into the house before the maniac clown chopped his head off.
As it turns out, Obi-Wan Kenobi was still searching for the Resurrection Book. Apparently he had misplaced it…or had Jar Jar Binks hidden it somewhere before he went to the paper boat race? He wasn't sure.
Once again, Kid Vader explained to him what had happened…but the Jedi master told him that it was probably just a bad dream.
Suddenly, they heard screaming coming from the bathroom. It sounded like Padme Amidala, so they went to investigate.
Much to his delight…she was only wearing a towel…apparently she was taking a shower when something scared her.
"What's the matter?" Obi-Wan Kenobi asked.
"I was taking a shower when cockroaches came out of the drain!" she exclaimed.
"Not you too." facepalmed the Jedi. Once again, he saw nothing. Were they having hallucinations? Or did he have to haul them off to the asylum and place them in strait jackets?
Kid Vader wondered if it had something to do with Pennywise the Evil Clown…the book said that he loved scaring people until they had heart attacks.
For now, he decided to simply stare at Padme Amidala while she was still wearing a towel… it was like candy for his eyes. Oddly enough, she didn't complain about it…
The next day…
Obi-Wan Kenobi wondered what had gotten into his apprentice and his girlfriend. As of late, they had been screaming about terrifying things that had been happening to them lately. But when he came to check, there was nothing there. Maybe they needed to see a doctor.
Suddenly, he heard what appeared to be a chainsaw revving. Was there somebody there?
Immediately, the Jedi master's worst fear came running toward him, an evil monkey ninja wielding a chainsaw.
He screamed in horror and ran towards the house, trying to avoid being the latest victim of the evil primate. It looked like his apprentice and his girlfriend weren't crazy after all…
He tried to tell Qui-Gon Jinn but what he had happened, but surprisingly he saw nothing. Apparently there was some sort of illusion surrounding the horrors our heroes had been witnessing lately so that only they could see them.
However, the Jedi Master would soon face the horror of Pennywise himself…in the form of a small little spider.
"Aah! Not spiders! I hate spiders!" screeched Qui-Gon Jinn, frantically trying to get it off him before he was bitten and its toxic venom sank into his brain.
At this point, it became clear that the monster clown was planning to kill every last one of them, and eventually, our heroes realized that they had to do something to stop the evil clown before they were all dead.
They eventually learned more about the creature…apparently It's true form was a giant spider rather than the evil clown that had been terrorizing them as of late...and that It was actually a girl.
"What?!" Padme Amidala exclaimed. Apparently she wasn't the only girl in the galaxy after all.
It also mentioned that it awoke every 27 years or so…and that eventually It would get pregnant (possibly from ******ing kids) and go to a bottom of an absurdly large sewer so that it could lay hundreds of eggs, which would rapidly hatch into little baby Its that would go on to terrorize towns and cities and the like.
Suffice to say, our heroes realized that if nothing was done, then millions of people would surely die…they would all end up becoming one with the force…and most importantly, that they wouldn't be able to kill Jar Jar Binks anymore.
"That monster clown must die! Just like Jar Jar Binks!" screamed Padme Amidala.
Suddenly, a hand reached out from the book and tried to strangle them, causing our heroes to frantically close the book. They soon noticed Pennywise the Clown himself standing on one of the bookcases, who shapeshifted into our heroine's worst fear, Justin Bieber.
"Nooooooo!" screamed Padme Amidala.
"Good to see you're not a Justin Bieber fan…now run!" screeched Anakin Skywalker.
Our heroes fled like sissy little cowards, except for C-3PO and R2-D2, who could not feel fear and did not realize the danger of the situation.
"Run you idiots! Run!" bellowed Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Unfortunately, it was too late. Justin Pennywise let out an enormous sonic scream, causing C-3PO and R2-D2 to explode.
"I guess it's just us then." Kid Vader stated.
Our heroes went through a conveniently-located manhole and went to the bottom of the sewers…soon enough they found an enormous nest filled with hundreds of eggs.
"If we don't do something, then everybody in the galaxy is dead!" Kid Vader screamed. They had to destroy the nest before the eggs hatched, that was for sure.
Soon enough, Pennywise revealed his (or her, I'm not sure what gender It is) face. He/she seemed happy to see them.
"Good to see you've made it here! Are you ready to have some fun?" laughed the evil clown.
Soon enough, he (or should I say she?) transformed into his/her true form, a giant female spider with sharp teeth.
"Whatever you do, don't look at his…or her…or its…whatever…just don't look at the eyes! You'll go insane!" warned Padme Amidala.
Unfortunately, Qui-Gon Jinn received this rather important warning too late. He looked straight at the deadlights and immediately he went crazy.
"Blah blah blah blarg I'm so girly I'm in love with ponies and rainbows! I also like running around in my underwear! I'm also a dumb idiot with a hideous face and an enormous butt and my butt reeks and I like to make out with my own butt!" he squealed. He was definitely off the deep end.
It took advantage of Qui-Gon Jinn's current situation and swallowed the poor Jedi Master whole. Yum yum.
"Noooo!" Kid Vader screamed. Immediately, he pulled out his lightsaber and stabbed It in whatever was the spider equivalent of the chest…this cause It to explode in a spectacular light explosion.
Kid Vader then pulled out his improvised flamethrower and began destroying It's eggs…wouldn't want them to have to start killing It all over again, now would they?
Obi-Wan Kenobi let out a sigh of relief. "It's finally over." he said. They had finally killed the evil monster clown that loved scaring and eating people.
Our heroes then decided to go home and celebrate…after they resurrected their friends, of course. Soon enough, everything was back to normal, and our heroes could start killing the Gungan again.
Little did they know that Kid Vader had missed a few of the eggs…as they left, one of the eggs began to crack…and soon enough cooing could be heard around the sewer…
Was this the end?
So, did you enjoy this latest chapter? I told you it was going to be rather long…at least compared to the other chapters I've written for this story…seventy-two other chapters to be precise. Woo!
I hope you enjoyed it…and I hope you continue to give me positive reviews…I appreciate it.
In the next chapter, Jar Jar Binks will die by being fed to the king of the jungle…although technically they don't actually live in jungles…
So, feel free to leave a review as usual…it encourages me to continue working on this story after all…and therefore helps prevent this fic from ending up dead…if you know what I mean.
So, I guess I'll see you next time.