101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter, Jar Jar Binks will be devoured by lions…or lionesses…or whatever they're called…it will certainly be a gruesome death with lots of violence…just as my audience enjoys.
So, as usual, have fun watching our least favorite Gungan die a horrible death as he is brought to justice for ruining the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy!
Chapter 74: Lions
It was a bright sunny day at the Jedi household, as our heroes were thinking of yet another way to put down Jar Jar Binks. Anakin Skywalker had finally been healed from his injuries after Obi-Wan Kenobi managed to repair the book, so he was finally back to normal and ready to kill again. He was currently discussing the matter with Padme Amidala.
This time, they thought that it would be a good idea to feed him to some sort of animal…just like they had previously fed him to piranhas. But what particular animal would they choose this time? The jedi and his girlfriend decided to check a book about animals to see if they could come up with anything.
"You know, I can't help but shake the feeling we should try feeding Jar Jar Binks to lions." suggested Padme Amidala, once again coming up with a magnificent, repulsive, diabolical, and overall evil scheme to murder the most hated Gungan in the entire galaxy.
"Whatever makes you say that?" asked Anakin Skywalker. What could have possibly given her that idea? Was it that they were ferocious carnivores? Was it that they feasted on innocent deer? Was it that they liked to pounce on their prey? Was it because he was thinking of too many questions?
"Everyone knows that they're ferocious carnivores…when they're not lazy and sleeping all day." stated the young galactic princess. She certainly seemed to know a lot about animals. Maybe she should star on Animal Planet? Then again she would have to spend time away from killing Jar Jar Binks…and we all know how much she loved doing so.
"Ah yes, I suppose that we should try feeding Jar Jar Binks to lions. He'd certainly leave behind a bloody mess." agreed Anakin Skywalker, relishing the thought of murdering Jar Jar as usual. The lions certainly wouldn't be missing out on dinner tonight.
In fact, they would be having a full course meal consisting of delicious Gungan meat. At least, they hoped that Gungan meat was delicious. It would be a shame if it wasn't because being eaten alive was both gruesome and painful and was perfect for slaughtering obnoxious aliens.
Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala told Obi-Wan Kenobi about this plan…but he pointed out a major flaw…there were no lions native to their home planet, meaning that they couldn't feed him to lions there. Tough luck.
"How are we supposed to feed him to lions then?" wondered Anakin Skywalker. He wasn't even sure where lions lived…wasn't it somewhere in Africa? He hadn't really bothered researching about lions…all he knew was that they were kings of the jungle despite the fact that they all lived in the savannah. Who came up with their nickname anyway? Someone who didn't know much about them, that was for sure.
He thought and thought, and suddenly he remembered something. He could probably simply send him off to the zoo (which was only one light-year away, fortunately) and toss him into the lion's pit. It seemed like a good (or should we say bad?) idea as any…and a way to kill Jar Jar Binks once more.
Interestingly enough, the Gungan was ecstatic about the idea of going to the intergalactic zoo…in fact, he wanted to see the ferocious carnivores first…so it looked like murdering him wouldn't take as long as they thought. In fact, it would only take a few minutes.
After showing him the hyenas, cheetahs, leopards, jaguars, and whatever other kinds of ferocious animals were being shown at the zoo (they could have fed him to those particular animals as well, but they decided to wait until they saw the lions), they finally reached their destination. And that was where they executed their plan.
Immediately, they grabbed him by the arms and dipped Jar Jar Binks with some rubbing alcohol (which would cause the lions and lionesses to savagely attack him due to the fact that cats hated the smell of alcohol) and tossed him into the lions' den, causing yet another gruesome mess as blood and guts were spilled everywhere.
"Yousa kitties are bad! Yousa tearing mesa apart!" screamed Jar Jar Binks as he was slaughtered gruesomely by the carnivore felines.
Unfortunately, the zoo security (who for some reason were also police officers) came in armed with guns…and shortly afterwards they pulled out their trusty handcuffs and started to arrest our heroes.
Apparently, the security cameras that were across the zoo had completely slipped their minds this time and had recorded the entire thing, catching them red-handed. It looked like they were busted and they had finally been brought to justice for repeatedly slaughtering Jar Jar.
"You murdered a Gungan. You're going to jail for life." answered the police officer.
"Noooo!" our heroes screamed. Why George Lucas why? Why had he forsaken them? They couldn't believe this was happening!
"Judging from how gruesome the murder was…it is quite likely we will end up in death row." stated C-3PO.
"Um, yeah, you think?" answered Qui-Gon Jinn. Why did C-3PO always have to state the obvious? He was becoming nearly as annoying as Jar Jar Binks himself…and he was started to think that perhaps they should kill him again…assuming they ever got out of jail.
Our heroes were all loaded into an overly sized police truck and taken to the intergalactic court. Due to the overwhelming evidence against them, they were rapidly found guilty and they were therefore sentenced to life in prison, where they would never be able to kill Jar Jar Binks again. What a way to end the story, eh?
But due to the fact that our heroes were supposed to kill the Gungan twenty-seven more times, The Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization suddenly broke into the prison and released our heroes from jail…as it turns out, they had already resurrected Jar Jar Binks using the book…while fending off the bloodthirsty carnivores that wanted to eat them for lunch.
"We're free!" squealed Anakin Skywalker. Now they wouldn't have to eat prison gruel and could go home. Hooray!
"Let's get out of here before the guards realize the prisoners are escaping." suggested Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Sounds like a good idea to me, my apprentice." agreed Qui-Gon Jinn.
R2-D2 beeped with excitement. Now they could kill Jar Jar Binks again! Hopefully they wouldn't end up being arrested.
Our heroes rapidly escaped from prison and went back home, where they would be able to execute Jar Jar Binks once again for his crimes against humanity. And yet, he hadn't been sent to prison while our heroes had gone to jail for killing him due to the lousy judicial system.
They then decided to wait for nightfall to conduct their latest plan…but on that particular night something else would be slaughtering Jar Jar Binks…
Once again Jar Jar Binks has died and the galaxy has become a better place…it's a shame that our heroes got arrested but at least they managed to break free…of course, now they're fugitives from the law so they're going to have to watch their backs for now on.
Killing the Gungan sure is unlawful work…but I suppose that it must be done. After all, his screams of agony are music to our ears, aren't they? Surely you still want him to suffer some more before this story is over, don't you?
In the next episode…our heroes will be visited by killer clowns…from outer space!