101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter, our heroes will kill Jar Jar Binks using a tank! And no, not the zombie from Left 4 Dead, that's a rather different kind of tank…they'll instead be killing him using some heavy firepower…sound like fun?
Oh, and then the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization will abduct our heroes so that they can brainwash them into killing Jar Jar Binks again or something like that.
By the way, I heard that Disney now have the license to make Star Wars movies…what exactly do you think of that? Do you think that this is going to ruin Star Wars? Or do you think it's going to be better this way…I recently went to Disneyland by the way…now I have a few plushies of Disney characters…of course, so does my sister…for some strange reason, she bought a Lotso doll…what does she see in him?
So, let's get it on!
Chapter 79: Tank
After thinking of a few ways to kill Jar Jar Binks, our heroes decided that the most satisfying ways to do so would be to murder him using a military war machine.
"Like what?" asked Anakin.
"I recommend we use a tank, my apprentice. It should have more than enough firepower to kill that slimeball Jar Jar. The only problem is that we do not have one." suggested Obi-Wan.
"In that case, we'll have to go to a military base and steal the tank from the military." pointed out Qui-Gon Jinn.
"But how will we slip it out underneath their noses? It'll probably be heavily guarded…and therefore it won't be easy to obtain." inquired Padme.
Our heroes began thinking of a plan to steal one of the tanks…how exactly would they pilot one anyway? Maybe they should read a book or something.
Suddenly, our heroes decided to look in the Book of Resurrection. Interestingly enough, there was a book that they could use to animate inanimate objects…such as brooms…for some strange reason it also said that if the objects were split apart they would become two…our heroes decided to see if there was anything to stop the spell in case anything went wrong. Thankfully, there was a way to keep it under control.
"Phew, that way it won't end up like a certain Disney movie featuring a dumb apprentice…" thought Anakin. He was surprised that Apprentice Mickey did not end up drowning from all the brooms he had created due to his incredible stupidity. He was simply too dumb to live, just like Jar Jar Binks himself.
And so our heroes went to the military camp known as Guns R Us, careful to avoid being spotted by the watchtowers…lest they end up being arrested and their killing spree coming to a premature end.
"You think someone's there? I thought I might have heard somebody." asked one of the soldiers.
"I don't know, nobody ever visits this place to begin with. Why are we even guarding this place? I suggest that we go on a coffee break." answered the other soldier.
And so the two soldiers decided to go out to get something to drink because they were so thirsty and were incredibly bored with their lousy job, leaving one of the tanks unguarded in the process.
"That was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Now all I have to do is cast the animation spell…" thought Anakin.
C-3PO then began explaining how to use the spell, which infuriated everyone else in the group, even R2-D2, who began beeping angrily.
Eventually, Anakin decided to command the tank to slaughter C-3PO using the tank as soon as he had finished casting, hurling a cannonball at the unfortunate android and shattering him to places.
Unfortunately, the tank became trigger-happy as Anakin Skywalker didn't follow all of the instructions of the spell, firing heat-seeking missiles and a laser beam from the tank as well.
"What kind of tank is this? Since when do tanks have heat-seeking missiles and laser beams? Is this tank an experimental model or something?" wondered Anakin. "Oh well who cares, this is just going to make things more fun."
By the time he had gotten the animation spell under control, Padme Amidala and Obi-Wan Kenobi had already become one with the force, and had mortally wounded Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Take me…to the hospital. It's only…fifty miles away." demanded the Jedi master.
R2-D2 immediately dragged him away, leaving Anakin Skywalker to kill the most annoying alien in the galaxy by himself.
"This is just like old times. How nostalgic. Say your prayers, Jar Jar Binks! Not like they're going to help you." thought Anakin, who immediately began looking for the horrible abomination that George Lucas called a comic relief character.
Sure enough he became hearing gunshot noises, and found the Gungan "Bang bang bang! Mesa love playing with guns!" he squealed.
"Stop shooting us!" demanded the unfortunate soldiers. Unfortunately, Jar Jar Binks was not a very good listener, and before long, they were all dead.
"Hooray! Mesa killed every last one of them! Now mesa buddies can't get dem to pump mesa full of lead….and now mesa won't die!" he squealed.
Suddenly, he noticed the enormous tank that Anakin had stolen, and immediately he wet his pants.
"Aah! Dat tank is coming for mesa! Mesa betta make a run for it!" he screamed, trying to get away from the tank.
Unfortunately for the stupid Gungan, Anakin was too fast, and soon enough Jar Jar Binks became a Gungan pancake as soon as the tank ran over him. Naturally, he was quite dead, and Anakin Skywalker began celebrating.
"Hooray! He's dead! Again! Now to resurrect my friends and-"
The jedi apprentice was then interrupted when a Anti-Jar Jar Binks member climbed on top of the tank, sedated him with a random tablecloth and then began loading him and his friends into their oversized truck. They resurrected Jar Jar Binks using the resurrection spell like always, so that they could kill him again in a rather gruesome way.
"You know, I think we're actually running out of options to kill him…how exactly are we going to kill the Gungan menace?" one of the members thought out loud.
They decided to cross that bridge when they came to it, and drove to the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Headquarters.
Well, our heroes are scheduled for yet another brainwashing. And since this is their 8th time killing Jar Jar Binks, they're going to make it rather gruesome. Can you guess what it's going to be? Of course you can always give me ideas on how to kill him…but then again I might not use them and come up with my own idea…