101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
Well, here's another chapter in which Jar Jar Binks dies…there aren't that many to go is there…still I hope we have fun killing him…I know that some of you will.
Anyways, I've decided to kill him in yet another gruesome way this time…he's going to fall victim to a bunch of jungle victims…who unfortunately practice cannibalism…basically it's not going to be fun for any of our heroes…except for maybe C-3PO and R2-D2 because the cannibals can't eat them.
Of course, our other heroes aren't safe…as they will find out shortly.
Chapter 81: Cannibalism
Yet again, Obi-Wan Kenobi had decided to take the kids to another jungle planet, despite what had happened the last time they had done so.
"I don't know, you sure there aren't any of those Predator aliens living here?" asked Anakin Skywalker.
"I don't want us to get shot to death again…except for Jar Jar Binks, because he sucks and I want to see him die." agreed Padme Amidala.
"Calm down you two, I'm sure that there aren't any Predators on this planet…" answered Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"I hope you're right…" muttered Qui-Gon Jinn. Like Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala, he certainly didn't want any more aliens trying to kill him, or trying to annoy him for that matter.
Little did they know that out in the forest they were being watched by an insane, bloodthirsty native…one that was hungry for human flesh…and for some curious reason Gungan flesh. He went to his native buddies, who began formulating a plan to kill and eat them.
Unfortunately, our heroes were unaware that they were in danger at the moment (for some reason, they were always unaware of danger until it was too late, which got them into horrible situations), as they decided to set up camp.
"Why can't we just sleep in the shuttle? I'm so tired!" complained Anakin, who wanted to dream about Padme Amidala being in a strapless bikini.
"Yeah, me too! Why are we setting up camp?" concurred Padme, who wanted to dream about Anakin Skywalker being shirtless.
"Simple my apprentice, and his girlfriend. We are trying out something different today." responded Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Funny, I feel a disturbance in the force somewhere…" wondered Qui-Gon Jinn. Something was wrong with the planet, it seems, but what?
As our heroes set up camp, Jar Jar Binks once again separated himself from the rest of the group while they weren't looking. Naturally, this was a bad idea, as it was always dangerous to go alone out in the wilderness (especially considering that there were natives that wanted his head on a plate), but he didn't catch on. On the contrary, he was trying to avoid being killed by his friends by isolating himself from them.
"Mesa friends aren't gonna kill me! Mesa gonna go back to shuttle and maroon dem! Then thesa will be sorry!" he plotted.
Suddenly, he began to hear the sound of yelling. It sounded like it was coming from a bunch of different people.
"Is someone dere?" he wondered.
Out of nowhere, one of the natives threw a spear. It immediately pierced Jar Jar Binks's arm, causing him to scream in pain and for it to bleed heavily.
"Owie owie ouchies! Mesa arm! What's da big idea? Mesa needa go to hospital now so dat mesa can stop da bleeding! Mesa hope yousa pleased with yousaself!"
Shortly afterwards, the natives ran towards Jar Jar Binks. In just a matter of seconds, they surrounded him so that he couldn't escape. They then grabbed onto him and started eating his delicious Gungan flesh with their unusually sharp teeth.
"Oh mesa Gungan god! Mesa being eaten alive by cannibals! Someone help mesa! Mesa don't wanna be dinna! Help!" he screamed.
Unfortunately, his friends were too far away to hear him, and before long he was reduced to a Gungan skeleton. The natives decided to use him as a decoration for their native camp, just like they had done with their previous victims.
Meanwhile, back at the camp, Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala were trying to roast marshmallows.
"You think we could probably execute Jar Jar Binks using a campfire?" our heroine asked.
"We could do that, but I already killed the Gungan with fire a long time ago. Still, maybe there's something around here that we can use to kill him…" disagreed Anakin Skywalker.
Curious, he decided to have C-3PO scan the planet for anything they could use to kill a certain Gungan; much to their surprise they found the planet was not uninhabited, and that it was home to a bunch of jungle natives.
"Jungle natives? That doesn't sound too good." wondered Anakin Skywalker.
Suddenly, R2-D2 let out a loud beep. Apparently, someone was coming.
"Who's there?" he wondered.
He looked out in the distance, and noticed that there seemed to be torches. Using the force, he discovered that they holding a bunch of sharp weapons as well, and eventually he realized what they planned to do.
"Oh my force! Cannibals! Run for your life, and for your flesh!" he screamed.
Immediately, he woke up the others, who unfortunately had fallen asleep when there were bloodthirsty maniacs coming to kill them. He then warned them about the cannibals, who at this point were rapidly approaching.
Suffice to say, our heroes raced to get back to the shuttle (discovering Jar Jar Binks' body in the process). Unfortunately, Padme Amidala, Anakin Skywalker, and Obi-Wan Kenobi were all too slow and they were eaten by the ferocious cannibals, causing Qui-Gon Jinn to vomit in disgust.
"You sick little monkeys!" he bellowed as he ran.
Fortunately, he finally realized that he didn't need to run and he could simply defend himself using his lightsaber and the force, and he started cutting through the natives like butter, persisting until they were all dead.
"Hooray, the cannibals are all dead! Now to celebrate with popcorn and candy!" he squealed.
He then realized that was a bit out of character for him.
"OK, I think I just had a Jar Jar Binks moment…but never mind…I should probably resurrect my friends. I wonder if the Resurrection Book is going to be enough for what happened to them…"
He then realized during his bloodthirsty rampage, he accidentally sliced C-3PO's head off. His head was lying there in the ground, with the wires showing.
"Oh dear." he thought.
Thankfully, R2-D2 provided Qui-Gon Jinn with the Resurrection Book so that he could resurrect all of his friends. They vowed never to vacation in the jungle again…at least not on a planet that was filled with bloodthirsty natives.
"Good grief, I can still feel those sick psychopaths eating my flesh…it's a good thing they're dead now." Anakin Skywalker said.
"It is a good thing that I am not organic or they might have eaten me too." nodded C-3PO.
"Shut up C-3PO." retorted Padme Amidala.
Afterwards, our heroes decided to head back home, as they had enough vacation for the time being and wanted to do something else for a change. Oh, and they didn't want anything else eating their flesh.
Well, this chapter was a bit darker and edgier, I suppose. Why you may ask? Because this time there were four character deaths (five if you include Jar Jar Binks). In other words, R2-D2 and Qui-Gon Jinn were actually the only survivors of this one.
But thankfully the natives are dead now due to what Qui-Gon Jinn did to them all, so they won't have to worry about them again. Hopefully anyway.
And the moral of this chapter is: don't eat human flesh. It's incredibly disgusting and will probably get you into the slammer if you try it.