101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
In this chapter, our heroes are going to kill Jar Jar Binks using a hurricane…but it's not going to end well and our heroes are all going to die…well, alright, maybe not all of them. But it's still going to end badly for our heroes. But nonetheless, Jar Jar Binks is still going to die through yet another natural disaster…or should we say unnatural disaster? After all, our heroes are going to use magic again to create it…so maybe it's a magical disaster?
Wait, what am I even saying? Oh well, let's just get this chapter started. After all, there are only nine of them left to go after this…so we better wrap them up quickly.
Chapter 92: Hurricane
Our heroes prepared another plan to kill Jar Jar Binks brutally. Knowing the disaster that had occurred the last time they had used a powerful spell in the Book of Resurrection, they decided that it would be a good idea to use a smaller spell to avoid unnecessary casualties.
"But what spell should we use? Meteor Swarm?" asked Anakin Skywalker.
"No, my apprentice, that is too dangerous." warned Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Tidal Wave?" asked Padme Amidala.
"Still too dangerous…and considering Jar Jar Binks is a Gungan he might actually be able to survive that." pointed out Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Hmm…" our heroes thought.
Unbeknownst to our heroes however, their arch-enemy was once again plotting against his own death.
"How do mesa stop dem from killing mesa dis time? Mesa has tried so many things…" he thought.
He then remembered the Book of Resurrection, which our heroes had used to bring him back from the dead every time they murdered him horribly. What if the book was destroyed?
"Maybe if da book was destroyed, maybe dey wouldn't kill mesa anymore!" he exclaimed.
He then started to prepare a plan to destroy the book. Surely there would be an effective way to destroy it…but since it was a magic book it would probably be able to repair itself. He would therefore need to destroy it thoroughly so that it could never be used again.
"Mesa can't rip da book to shreds…dat book would just repair itself. Maybe it would even make more copies of da book?" he thought.
He then thought about using white-out to remove the spells from the pages…but he realized that probably wouldn't work either as it had magical ink.
"Dang nabbit! Dat won't work either!" he exclaimed.
Suddenly, he got an idea that would probably work…what if he used a torch to burn the book to ashes? Possibly that would destroy the magic and therefore prevent the book from returning to mint condition.
"Yes! Mesa won't die anymore! Mesa finally have ticket to freedom! Mesa gonna destroy Book of Resurrection so mesa won't die ever again!" he exclaimed.
He then lit a nearby torch, and started looking around for the book.
As it turns out, our heroes were still trying to prepare a spell from the book…maybe they could polymorph him into a frog and then dissect him?
"I believe the Anti-Jar Jar Binks Organization already cut into him…that might explain why they know so much about Gungans." pointed out C-3PO.
R2-D2 beeped in frustration…just how were they going to kill him? They just didn't have any more ideas…
Suddenly, they heard the sound of yelling…curiously enough it sounded just like Jar Jar Binks.
"Burn Book of Resurrection! Burn!" the Gungan yelled.
Our heroes looked at him, and realized that he was wielding a torch…and that he was planning on destroying the book they had used to murder him with for so long.
"What are we going to do? He's too fast! We can't outrun him!" Anakin Skywalker exclaimed.
Padme Amidala panicked, and in desperation, she read one of the spells out of the Book of Resurrection.
Unfortunately, it turned out to be the hurricane spell.
Suddenly, fierce winds began to blow.
"What did you do?!" exclaimed Qui-Gon Jinn, who began trying to avoid being blown away, without much success.
Immediately, Jar Jar Binks's torch went out.
"Nooo! Mesa torch has been extinguished! How will mesa destroy Book of Resurrection now!" screeched the Gungan.
Shortly afterwards, he ended up being blown away by the increasing wind. He crashed into a building and splattered into Gungan chunks.
"Oh my force!" exclaimed Anakin Skywalker.
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn were also blown away by the winds…they also crashed into a building and broke their necks. They both died.
"Nooo! They're dead too! What have I done!" screeched Padme Amidala.
R2-D2 and C-3PO also died…the winds caused their parts to scatter all over the place…as Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala had built them out of cheap materials.
"You've got to be kidding me…" thought Padme Amidala.
The last member of our hero's party to go was Anakin Skywalker. He tried hanging onto a lamppost, but it didn't work and for some strange reason, the wind blew him all the way to the ocean, where he drowned.
"Noooo! Why!" exclaimed Padme Amidala, realizing what her actions had done. "First that killer earthquake, and now this."
After the wind finally settled, she then pulled out the Book of Resurrection and went to locate Jar Jar Binks and the corpses of her friends, hoping she would be able to resurrect them all like she had done before.
"It's a shame there isn't a mass resurrection spell in this book." Padme Amidala thought.
As it turns out, said spell was going to be included in the next volume of the Book of Resurrection, so that people who hated particular works of fiction (such as Twilight, for instance) rather than simply one fictional character could get away with mass murder by bringing all of their fictional victims back from the dead at once.
But unfortunately, our heroes only had the first volume, so they simply had to settle for bringing dead people back to life one by one.
Thankfully, she managed to do so in a rather quick matter of time before people noticed what had happened. Unfortunately, she mispronounced the spell like Anakin did in his hesitation and they all came back as force ghosts.
"Ooooo! Mesa spooky ghosty!" exclaimed Jar Jar Binks.
"Whoops." Padme Amidala said.
She pulled out a vacuum cleaner and sucked up all the ghosts so that they wouldn't fly away from her, then used the Book of Resurrection so that they would all turn back to normal.
Afterwards, our heroes began discussing a plan to kill Jar Jar Binks…Suddenly, it began occurring to them that the galactic authorities might start becoming suspicious if they murdered the Gungan in public.
"That didn't seem much of a problem before." pointed out Anakin Skywalker.
"Let's just say that the authorities have finally stopped being lazy and that they're catching on to our horrible crimes." Obi-Wan Kenobi stated.
"I suppose it's finally time that we should be more careful about killing him…I recall this one time where we actually got arrested for killing him." agreed Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Don't remind me…" agreed Padme Amidala.
Eventually, our heroes decided that they should probably kill Jar Jar Binks in the local woods…as nobody ever visited there and that therefore it would be ideal to kill him that way.
What our heroes did not realize was that there was reason that people never visited that horrible place…and they would find out in the next chapter.
And that is why you never play with magic…you've all seen The Sorceror's Apprentice, haven't you? That little mouse was lucky that he didn't drown! Then again, he is a cartoon character…so for all we know he could actually be immune to drowning.
In case you were wondering, the next chapter is going to be based off of a scary video game that is based off a popular meme itself…can you guess what it's going to be? You should probably be able to if you're a fan of spooky things…
Naturally, it's going to be nasty, and Jar Jar Binks isn't going to enjoy it. On the other hand, I think you will, so keep waiting for it.
Adios!