101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
As I foreshadowed in the last chapter, an old nemesis of our heroes is going to be paying them a visit...and it's not going to be fun for them, oh no. In fact, they're going to be in horrible danger. But is this evildoer going to succeed this time? Last time he appeared in the story he nearly wiped out of our heroes...it was really messy.
Either way, it's time to begin the latest chapter...it's going to be intense, I can tell you that! Anyways, here it comes!
Chapter 97: Return of Evil Jar Jar Binks
As usual, the day had started off well for our heroes, so they did not suspect anything horrible to happen. Suffice to say, they were caught off guard when an old nemesis of theirs returned. After all, they thought he was dead...and they didn't exactly resurrect him like they had done to his good counterpart.
Our heroes were currently relaxing out in the sunset like usual, unaware of all the horrible things that were lying in store for them. Why were they always caught offguard? Surely they would be more observant of their surroundings by now considering all the strange and unusual things that had been happening to them lately.
"Nothing can possibly spoil a day like this..." stated Anakin Skywalker, who was arguably the most oblivious of the danger they were facing. Apparently he wasn't that smart considering the fact that he eventually decided to join the Dark Side...in the canonical version of the series, anyway.
It was that Evil Jar Jar Binks shot them with a laser beam from his fancy new state-of-the-art arm cannon. He was back with a vengeance, alright. And he had exactly what he needed to let their bodies hit the floor.
"I spoke too soon." said Anakin. He just had to say that, didn't he? Of all the things he could possibly say, he had to say something that had doomed all of his friends. Perhaps he should have hold his tongue?
"What the-" spoke Padme Amidala.
"Run for cover!" exclaimed Obi-Wan Kenobi.
And our heroes did so, wondering who the heck had fired at them and why exactly he wanted them dead. Of course, it didn't really matter considering that they were in horrible danger, but as it turned out, it was none other than a deadly old adversary of theirs known as Evil Jar Jar Binks, who for some reason was now a cyborg.
"I thought you were dead! This is impossible! Did someone use the Book of Resurrection on you or something? I honestly don't understand who would want you to return from the darkest depths of Hell." screamed Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Mesa was dead! But scientists found mesa and rebuilt mesa head to toe! Mesa return da favor by slaughtering dem all with mesa deadly weapons! Thosa idiots never saw it coming! Sucks to be dem! Mwahahaha!" exclaimed Evil Jar Jar Binks.
"What were they thinking? Were they using spice or something? No sane man would want to rebuild this maniac! He's a monster!" exclaimed Anakin Skywalker.
"I guess they had way too much time on their hands, and wanted something else to do. But you're right Anakin...only an idiot would try to recreate this fiend. I'm cursing them with all my heart right now." answered Padme Amidala.
"Now mesa is gonna kill every last one of yousa! Dat's right! Yousa are all gonna die! Especially Jar Jar Binks! He sucks!" exclaimed Evil Jar Jar Binks.
"Hey! Killing Jar Jar Binks is supposed to be our job! Go get your own occupation, you copycat!" exclaimed Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Too bad. Mesa also going to steal yousa Book of Resurrection so mesa can kill Jar Jar Binks as many as times as I want...in fact, mesa gonna resurrect you all so that yousa will all die horrible deaths over and over again!"
"Noooo!" exclaimed Anakin Skywalker. Now they couldn't even pray for the sweet release of death, because not even Death himself could stop Evil Jar Jar Binks from killing them repeatedly!
"Yes! Enjoy the irony, yousa losers!" bellowed Evil Jar Jar Binks.
Shortly afterwards, Evil Jar Jar Binks turned his arm into a scary-looking shotgun and then shot Padme's head off.
"Padme!" exclaimed Anakin Skywalker, horrified at the rather violent yet painless death of his girlfriend.
Obi-Wan Kenobi tried to defend his friends from the bloodthirsty monster and pulled out his lightsaber, but Evil Jar Jar Binks pulled out a pistol and shot him in the hand, causing it to drop on his foot. It cut through his ankle and basically it wasn't fun. In fact, Obi-Wan Kenobi screamed like a little girl upon seeing his horrible wounds.
This gave Evil Jar Jar Binks more than enough time to pump him full of lead with his shiny silver minigun and make a puddle of blood form from underneath his carcass.
"Force, why have you betrayed me? What did I ever do to you? Did I take your wallet or something? Why are you letting me become one with you and then splitting me apart again?" wondered Obi-Wan before he died.
Afterwards, he decided to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi's master Qui-Gon Jinn, in this case by stabbing him in the heart with his lightsaber...which for some strange reason could now cut through even time and space.
"Goodbye cruel world...hopefully the planet in the sky is a better planet than this bloodthirsty one. Of course, I'm going to be seeing you again soon enough..." he thought.
Suddenly, C-3PO and R2-D2 decided to pay Anakin a visit...and were horrified to discover the corpses of his friends.
"What's going on here? Who did this? Who?" C-3PO exclaimed, clueless about the massacre that was unfolding.
R2-D2 once again wet himself...leaving a puddle of oil on the floor. He always did that when he was frightened, apparently. It was actually kind of gross.
C-3PO's questions were answered when Evil Jar Jar Binks then vaporized him and R2-D2 by shooting lasers out of his eyes. All that was left of them was now was scrap metal...which suffice to say couldn't be used to rebuild them together again like him, curiously enough.
"Talk about overkill..." thought Anakin Skywalker, disgusted at the horrible sight. Of course, the worst part of it was that he was next.
Finally, Evil Jar Jar Binks got ready to kill the boy...when suddenly the most miraculous thing occurred, his good counterpart stopped by.
"Hey Evil Jar Jar Binks! Good to see yousa again! But why is dere a button on yousa back? Mesa wanna press it!" questioned Jar Jar Binks, who began poking it.
"Don't press dat! That's mesa self-destruct butt-"
Evil Jar Jar Binks suddenly exploded into a million pieces. Unfortunately, Jar Jar Binks stood too close to him and he perished in the blast as a result. Similar to Obi-Wan Kenobi, he screamed like a little girl.
"Thank goodness for obvious design flaws..." thought Anakin Skywalker. Like Padme Amidala said, Evil Jar Jar Binks was rebuilt by idiots. Their sheer stupidity had saved them all...but considering they built this monstrosity in the first place and therefore endangered their lives they didn't exactly owe them anything.
Afterwards, he pulled out the Book of Resurrection and resurrected both Jar Jar Binks and his friends so that they could kill the Gungan once again...naturally, they did not resurrect Evil Jar Jar Binks, due to the fact that they did not want to get horribly slaughtered once again. It seemed nowadays they were dying almost as much as Jar Jar Binks himself.
"At this rate we're going to get completely wiped out...both us and Jar Jar..." thought Anakin Skywalker. Why they did they keep getting attacked? It's not like everyone hated them...except for maybe their next-door neighbor, as Jar Jar was always peeing on his lawn.
These thoughts continued to plague Anakin Skywalker. Just how long would they be able to continue their killing spree? He eventually decided not to dwell on it...after all, it was best to kill Jar Jar Binks as many times as possible. It was just too much fun to pass up.
Ironically, Jar Jar Binks himself had saved them that particular day at the cost of their own life. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all. Then again, killing him had become a particular part of their routine.
They were also running out of ideas too...they were getting murderer's block to say the very least. What ways had they already not killed him? They had already electrocuted him, set him on fire, froze him to death, tore him limb to limb...and other nasty ways.
Hopefully they would eventually be able to come up with new ways...but it wouldn't be easy, to say the very least.
And Evil Jar Jar Binks has once again returned from the dead...you wanted to see him again...so I figured why not include this as another death.
Of course, seeing though this story is going to hopefully end soon...he's probably not going to come back a third time...I might include him in another story of mine though...then again, I probably won't be able to come up with new ways to kill Jar Jar Binks...it's getting too hard to come up with new deaths.