101 Ways To Kill Jar Jar Binks
For some strange reason...I got another unusual request...in this case it was to kill Jar Jar Binks using Santa Claus...of course, being killed by jolly St. Nick must be a horrible way to go...I mean, he's the one that's giving presents to kids every year...does it even sound pleasant for you?
As such, I decided that it would probably be a good idea to kill Jar Jar Binks this way...of course, it's not exactly Christmas, but since somebody insisted on this creative death four months or so after Christmas, I figured, why not.
So let's watch Jar Jar Binks die such an ironic and nonetheless horrible death. Again, who would have thought that Santa could be so cruel? Then again it's not like he's always portrayed as a good guy...
Chapter 98: Santa Claus
Our heroes were happy that it was Christmas season...since unlike Halloween, they did not have to worry about any horror icons attacking them such as Jason Voorhees, Leatherface, the shark from Jaws, Serena Morgan, or even Freddy Krueger. In fact, they didn't even have to worry about llamas wearing Christmas elf hats, curiously enough.
Unfortunately for them, they had been put on the top of Santa's naughty list for murdering Jar Jar Binks ninety-seven times despite the fact that he had regularly begged for mercy.
In fact, Santa Claus had decided to take rather violent actions against them that were rather disproportionate as well as unneccessarily cruel. And so he decided to take his sleigh over towards their house so that he could brutally murder them all.
As always, our heroes were oblivious to the horrible fate that was going to come upon them. In fact, all they seemed to care about was getting their presents on Christmas. It did come only once a year, after all. Surprisingly, they didn't even feel like killing Jar Jar Binks that day...
Anakin Skywalker was looking forward to receiving a plastic lightsaber, Padme Amidala was looking forward to getting a makeup kit, Obi-Wan Kenobi was looking forward to getting a massage chair, and Qui-Gon Jinn was looking forward to ripping Jar Jar Binks' head off.
Suddenly, they heard the sounds of sleigh bells ringing. Was Kris Kringle flying over their house?
"Is it Santa? I can see flying reindeer outside...who would have thought that they actually existed?" questioned Anakin Skywalker.
"I don't know...he only seems to come when we're sleeping...why would he show up while we were awake? It doesn't make sense." questioned Padme Amidala.
"If he really is, we should probably give him a warm welcome." stated Obi-Wan Kenobi. "After all, we want to be on his nice list. That way we won't receive coal."
"We better not light the fireplace this time...last time we did that I heard screaming...and somebody calling for elves to put his beard out..." warned Qui-Gon Jinn.
"According to my calculations, Santa Claus should drop down from the chimney any second now." said C-3PO.
R2-D2 beeped in confusion. This certainly seemed rather unusual. In fact, he got the feeling that something was wrong.
Their question was answered when suddenly Santa Claus dropped down from the chimney...but for some strange reason, he did not seem happy to see them. He didn't even say his trademark "Ho ho ho!"
"Is that really Santa? I always thought that he would be a bit fatter. Then again, what do I know?" thought Qui-Gon Jinn.
Unsurprisingly, Jar Jar Binks was ridiciously excited. He ran down the stairs (almost falling down them in the process), looking forward to finally meeting Santa in the flesh.
"Yay! Mesa love Santa! Mesa hope yousa give mesa lots of presents!" squealed Jar Jar Binks.
However, his attention was not directed towards the Gungan, but towards the Jedi that had slaughtered him so many times.
"Er, hi.' greeted Anakin Skywalker nervously.
"Are you going to sing a song like in that red-nosed reindeer movie? Or are you just coming to deliver our presents?" asked Padme Amidala.
"You've been very naughty, you troublemakers! You've been spending most of your time gruesomely murdering Jar Jar Binks! Every time he dies, you've been using the Book of Resurrection to bring him from the dead time and time again! Don't you know that people are supposed to stay dead?" questioned Santa Claus.
"Um..." answered Padme Amidala.
"Anyways, due to the fact that you have been refused to quit being horribly naughty, I have decided to punish your horrible crimes with death!" bellowed Santa.
"What?!" exclaimed Anakin Skywalker.
Suddenly, the fat man in the red suit pulled out a gun. And for some strange reason, it was a gun with no recoil whatsoever.
"I've got a present for all of you! Merry Christmas!" exclaimed Santa Claus sadistically.
Unsurprisingly, he then began shooting, killing each of our heroes one by one in a shower of blood and gore.
Obi-Wan Kenobi tried pulling out a lightsaber to defend himself, but Santa simply shot him in the hand, causing him to scream like a little girl despite the fact that he was a fully-grown man.
"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Watch your freaking language!" screamed Santa as he shot Qui-Gon Jinn's head off.
Anakin Skywalker tried to run away from the demented holiday mascot, but he was too quick. Immediately, Santa Claus caught up to him and sat on his face.
"Thought you could get away eh? Now if you excuse me I need to work off the cookies all the kids are giving me." stated St. Nick.
Suddenly, Santa took an enormous and highly deadly fart.
"Gah!" exclaimed Anakin Skywalker in horror and agony as he suffocated from the toxic fumes.
After killing the Jedi, he then turned to admire his handiwork. It looked like his assassination method was a success.
Unfortunately, as he suddenly discovered, during his trigger-happy and brutal rampage, he accidentally shot Jar Jar Binks in the face, which proved to be lethal.
"Oops..." stated Santa Claus.
And to make matters worse for Santa, he began to hear police sirens. Apparently they heard all the gunshots and they were coming to investigate.
"It looks like I'll have to make it look like I was never here." stated St. Nick.
Immediately, he used his Christmas magic doodah to bring back everyone he had slain back from the dead, and then poofed his way out of here.
"What happened?" stated Anakin Skywalker.
"Strange, I don't think we were resurrected using the Book of Resurrection this time." answered Padme Amidala.
"That's a first." stated Obi-Wan Kenobi.
R2-D2 beeped in bewilderment. How else could they have possibly returned from the dead?
"It's one of the wonders of the world." agreed C-3PO, just as perplexed as his friend was.
They also got the feeling that Jar Jar Binks had died that particular day, although they weren't sure how.
"How very odd." thought Anakin Skywalker.
"Well, why question something that we like? I'm glad that he ended up dying...that's what we do for a living, after all." pointed out Padme Amidala.
And so our heroes decided to celebrate Christmas...despite the fact they had been gruesomely murdered by its fat mascot.
To make a long story short, they had a merry (albeit bloody Christmas), and a happy new year (except for Jar Jar Binks, who was in for some of the worst deaths in history).
Well, this chapter was a bit different from the rest, I suppose. But I guess you all want variety...this story does get repetitive after a while...
I suppose it's ironic that I decided to make Santa evil in this chapter...I mean, think about it! Wouldn't he make the perfect burglar? Then again everybody seems to love Santa...I know I like him even though I decided to use him as a killer in this story...
To think that there are only three chapters left before this story is completed...I wasn't entirely sure that I would even get this far...hopefully I can get this story over with so that I can work on something else...
Not like I don't enjoy working on this story...it's always been so hilarious...since everyone hates Jar Jar Binks so much.
So, I bet you'll be looking forward to the next chapter...let's hope that it will be epic.