The days that went on were an absolute torture for Rimmer. He spent the hours having himself mentally picked and pulled apart by the crew and he found it more than a little embarrassing. It made him hate himself even more. The only thing that seemed to perplex everyone was how unaffected he was most the time when it came to Lister. He wanted to insult him, he did it. Kryten came up with the theory that perhaps his hatred must truly run that deep. Rimmer was thrilled everyone bought that slop because he knew that wasn't the actual reason. The real reason was something he was afraid to admit. The reasons his insults weren't backwards on Lister was because they were lies. He did it all the time. His insults to that slobby, third technician were merely a façade to cover up the fact that…
No, No. You are not going there, Rimmer.
He stood in front of a mirror in his sleeping quarters and rotated his shoulders once or twice. He looked on with determination and licked his lips. After the first day, he'd been doing his best just not to speak. If he didn't speak, none of this nonsense about his opposite intentions would come falling out. But being silent was just driving him mad. He was Rimmer! He needed to talk, complain, be a git. Besides, communication was getting ridiculous. So, he told himself, all he needed was some drive. He needed to get centered and focus. He could defy this stupid flaw.
"Okay." He began to his reflection, "Lister, you are a complete and utter twat." He smiled, good exercise, "Cat. You are the most…selfless creature I've ever seen!" He bit back a few curses at the finish and jumped up and down. He clawed his fingers down the mirror, "Come on, then!"
There had to be another reason. Obviously, those were both lies. But how could both an insult and a compliment be considered both lies? He wasn't lying! At least about his bunk mate. But if he wasn't, it would have come out like all the empty compliments he was spewing at everyone. Rimmer refused to believe it was because he actually felt a certain fondness to that idiotic moron. He banged his head against the mirror. Just as he was doing this, Lister walked in.
"Heya, Rimmer.." He greeted, magazine in hand as he made his way to his bed. "How's it goin'?"
He continued his assault for a few more seconds, "I'm living life, more censored than an adult film shown on primetime television. How do you think it's going?"
"Talking to me, then" Lister smirked, glad to finally hear his voice again after these days of silence. "Honestly, Rimmer…It's not so bad, you being nice and all." He laughed, turning a page and giving an amused glance, "Though it is rather funny seeing you do it with such an angry face."
Rimmer clammed his lips shut. Everything was the opposite. He didn't want to say something he'd regret.
"It's a dang shame it won't work on me, though. I mean, unless I get ya really mad, which is actually kind of fun. Seeing ya blow up with compliments. I think the best part is when you turn away things you actually want and ask for what you don't. Like…my favourite, 'Lister. Please spill curry all over me bed!' 'Please don't wash your socks!'" Lister's shoulder and head danced around as he said the next one, "Don't listen to me! I'm not your superior officer!"
"I love you…" He grumbled.
"Yeah, I know ya do…" Lister replied, really loving this whole backwards intentions thing even if it was hard to understand at first, "This is the kind of thing that really makes it hard to take you seriously…I mean, if it were me, I'd be afraid someone might try to pull out all me deepest darkest secrets.."
"Don't fix me!" Rimmer demanded through gritted teeth.
"Fix ya?" He slapped his magazine down onto his knee, "I wouldn't dream of fixing me little Rimsy-Wimsy…"
"If you do, I'm not going to come up there and rip off your genitals and shove them up your right nostril until you can breathe.." Rimmer spat, even though it came out nothing like he wanted it to.
"Every reason not to, then!" Lister replied, but when Rimmer started to walk toward him, he sat up in defense, "Ey. Ey. Calm down, Smeg head. I wouldn't even know where to start. You're fried, man."
"Right, then.." Rimmer frowned loudly, maintaining a professional calm and collected look but in his eyes you could tell he was about to lose it. He walked back over to the mirror and began banging his head on it again.
"Arn—"
BANG.
"Ri—"
BANG
"Rimm—"
BANG. BANG.
"Rimmer-!" Lister hopped down, exasperated and went over to him and physically forced him to stop his self abuse.
"What?!"
"You can't drive yourself crazy, man!" He said with a small shove to the shoulder.
"This whole bloody thing is making me sane! See? There it isn't again! I don't need to be me again!" He groaned in frustration. This was really annoying.
"Okay! Okay!" Lister gave in. "I'll get Kryten, have him run some tests."
Rimmer put his hands on his sides with an approving expression, leaning up on his toes once or twice and nodded, "Bad."
Lister was just going to assume that meant 'good' and left the room to go find the mechanoid. If anyone could devise a plan to get the Smeghead back to normal, it would be him.
"You can't be serious!" The Cat chimed in, "Why would we want to get old goalpost head back to normal? I mean, he's actually acknowledging that the world does indeed revolve around me! He actually helped me iron all my suits. Even the one I was wearing! Which was not an easy task, let me tell ya."
"Look, Cat, it's not him and you know it. He ain't happy."
"Well, I am and that's all that really matters here! Who'll help me organize all my wear if he goes back to being that annoying, rule crazy smeghead?" He tried to argue.
"I thought Kryten helped you with that.." Lister replied.
"He does. But this way it gets done twice as fast! And I have more time to pick and choose and work on other aspects of my appearance. I mean, there are only so many hours in the day! First I need to decide on the perfect suit, then I gotta spend atleast three hours on my luscious do, and if I'm lucky, I'll have maybe a few hours of looking in the mirror before I have to sleep to find something to eat. You clearly don't understand my struggle." He saw the human roll his eyes, so he pointed at him, "And why do you care anyway?"
"Because he's driving me mad!" Lister explained, gesturing with both his arms. Cat looked disbelieving, "Oh, well, it's easy for you to say. You got it easy. His little flaw works on you two. I've gotta really piss him off."
"You actually want to be complimented by Rimmer?" Cat asked.
He shrugged "It might be nice. I mean, I know it might not be real but it'd be a nice change." Lister replied and lazily leaned against the Medi-bay's bed.
Kryten, who was setting up the room for the hologram's arrival, stopped and thought for a second. "Hold on a second there, Sirs. Maybe he is"
"What you talking about, Kryten…? Last compliment he's given me is that I'm a rat faced mongrel with the brain the size of a pea…That sort of thing just doesn't give me the warm and fuzzy feeling inside…"
"Allow me to explain. Now, it's just a theory…But let's look at it this way. When he compliments me and the Cat, well, it's safe to say those are far from the truth. But in the same breath, mind the expression; he is able to put out wave after wave of insult to you, Mr. Lister…"
"I'm not sure I'm followin' ya, Kryte…" Lister said back and then gestured to himself with a finger, "It's almost as though you're trying to say Rimmer actually doesn't think I'm a lousy good for nothing scum bucket.."
"I think this dude's lost a few screws, wires and brain circuits if he's thinking that! Holo-head's only got one purpose; To hate and be hated!" Cat interjected.
"I think the flaw is directly in his subconscious. His subconscious knows how he actually feels about certain things, even if it is buried under all his denial and arrogant ways." He tried explaining but the two humanoids still seemed skeptical.
"Prove it!" Cat pointed with challenge in his voice.
"I suppose I could run a sort of test once he gets here for further analysis." Kryten offered, a little unsure, but wanting to please the two of them.
Rimmer would be showing up at any moment. So, Lister hopped off the bed and put his arms around both the Cat and Kryten, pulling them down to huddle together as they formed just what sort of thing to test on the unsuspecting troubled hologram.
I hope you liked ;w; More to come soon!