"That man is a trainwreck gift-wrapped in red flags."
Crumbling
He had begun waking up when he heard Neji moving around quietly, which didn't surprise him since that's always been normal for him. When he opened his eyes halfway, he felt his heart stop as he saw that Neji had his shoes on.
Neji was leaving.
Neji was abandoning him.
He closed his eyes as the hurt of being abandoned began to suffocate him, refusing to loosen its hold. He heard Neji walk close to him and was surprised when he felt him brush some of his hair away from his face, gently rubbing his thumb against his cheekbone. He felt Neji kiss his hair lightly and then walk towards the door, closing it quietly behind him.
He had overreacted.
But his eyes shot open when he heard Neji open the front door and then close it quietly as he left. Tears welled in his eyes and the hurt came back full-forced and gripped him in its suffocating vice, not letting him ignore its presence.
He's coming back. Don't panic.
Shikamaru tried to convince himself that Neji was just leaving for an hour or so to run errands like he usually does, but he knew that Neji did that yesterday. So why would he need to leave the apartment again? After two months, had Neji finally given up on him? Had Neji finally had enough?
A sob escaped his lips as his eyes burned from the fresh tears slowly sliding down his face. Shikamaru came to realize a long time ago that he was being such a pain in the ass because of the way he currently was. After two months since he snapped, Neji had given up on him and left. Shikamaru couldn't blame him. Neji stayed with him in his apartment, locking himself away from the world just to take care of him only to discover that he was sinking down to the point of not being able to function. So Shikamaru continued to lie in bed, his blanket tightly wrapped around his frail and deteriorating body, as the feeling of loneliness decided to make itself known. But what else was new?
He was always alone and it was stupid on his part to think for one moment that that would change.
He was meant to be alone.
Neji had made that clear to him now.
Neji had walked out and abandoned him, leaving him lonely again.
But he had always wanted to be alone, so why is the loneliness so painful? Shikamaru clenched his eyes shut as another bout of sobs racked his body, soon followed by a fit of bloody coughs.
He remembered the tenderness of Neji's fingertips against his face, wishing that the Hyuuga was with him but now knowing that he will never return. He remembered Neji gently kissing his messy hair, lingering slightly to smell its faint coconut scent.
His mind flashed back to what life has been like since Neji started staying with him two months ago.
He began to remember the countless times Neji would sit on his bed with his thin legs spread over his lap as he read out hints to a crossword puzzle, or reading him one of the books that he found lying around the apartment. He remembered the mornings when he would wake up to the scent of hazelnut and found a cup of hazelnut coffee sitting on his nightstand.
His wails turned into muffled sobs mixed with bloody coughs as he remembered all of their conversations as Neji sat on his bed either reading or just keeping him company. He remembered the things he opened up about, the thoughts he voiced, and the feelings he expressed as Neji quietly listened to every word he said. He remembered feeling slightly surprised and warmed by the fact that Neji was telling him about some of his fears, insecurities, and frustrations. He realized as the weeks passed that he and Neji were talking to each other about things they never talked about to anyone else. At first, this frightened him a great deal because as he talked, he started remembering all the things that he suppressed over the years.
Stop it. Get it together.
He rolled out of bed and barely landed on his feet. He breathed as deeply as he could to calm his spinning head and shaking limbs. He slowly stood and took a few seconds to balance himself before carefully walking towards the door and opening it, walking down the hallway towards the bathroom. He placed each foot carefully to the floor as he walked, not wanting to lose his balance. His brain felt fuzzy as he flipped on the light in the bathroom, squinting slightly at the sudden bright light. His dull brown eyes looked around, first at the mirror frame that held no mirror to his partner-in-crime:
The medicine cabinet.
Shikamaru knew that Neji got rid of all the medication that he kept in there and hid his pocket knife. But there was one place in the bathroom that he was sure Neji didn't check. He gingerly walked over to the shower and carefully sat down and leaned against it, looking down at the tiled floor to his right. He reached out and started fiddling with the tile in the corner between the wall and shower with his narrow fingers. He sighed lightly as the tile came up off the floor and gave a sob of relief when he saw that his spare blade was right where he left it.
He twirled the small blade between his slim fingers, the light reflecting lightly off the sharp edge. He felt the skin on his arms tingle with anticipation as he looked down at his self-mutilated arms; seeing scars from years past to marks from a couple weeks ago.
It's only a problem if there's no control. I got this under control.
No you don't.
As he looked down, his dark brown hair created a curtain around his face, blocking out the offending light in the bathroom. He didn't realize that his hair was fairly close to his lips. His eyes narrowed at it as it swayed slightly.
Why was it making him so angry to see his growing hair?
Shikamaru reached up with his free hand and slowly ran his fingers through his matted locks, his eyes following his movements. His hair mocked him; reminding him of the times the stepfather would grip it in his large hands and drag him around the apartment by it.
Hair was something that Shikamaru wanted to be:
Dead.
His heart fluttered at the word.
Dead. Huh.
Don't.
His eyes stung with more fresh tears as he grabbed a chunk of his hair near his face and began to chop it off by moving his blade back and forth quickly across his hair. He growled deeply in his sore throat as he threw the chunk of hair away from him and grabbed another portion of his hair and began to chop it off as well.
The walls reverberated the sounds of Shikamaru's wet coughs and low growls as he continued to chop off chunks of his hair with the small blade; the sound of the blade being dragged back and forth through his hair grated on Shikamaru's nerves. His now shortened hair now fell halfway over his eyes, which had now directed themselves down towards his arms. Twirling the blade between his slim fingers again, he began to trace a prominent scratch on his left forearm. He sniffed lightly as he saw blood slowly pool from the reopened wound and down his arm; the sting of pain felt as though it was rejuvenating his body.
He stopped.
He felt that uncomfortable and overwhelming feeling of needing to itch deep under his skin.
His skin began to crawl and felt like bugs were racing through his veins.
Looking at the scratch marks on his thin arms, he turned his blade on its side and began to scrap it across his skin furiously. A scab began to form on his left forearm, near the other fresh wound. Scrapped off skin cells began to cover the blade as Shikamaru's pace began to slow down.
He stopped and dropped his blade, the clinking sound reverberating in the small room.
His dull eyes directed down at the blade and he nudged it back towards its hiding spot, placing the tile back over it.
His brain started to feel fuzzier as his dull eyes landed on his dark hair lying on the white tiles in front of him, almost like it was mocking him of the reality that just because he chopped off his hair, doesn't mean that he could chop memories from his mind or emotions from his heart. He felt his body lean to his left, causing him to lie on his side on the tiled floor. The occasional cough escaped him. He blinked dully at the door.
Neji wasn't around to save him this time.
Neji had left.
Neji had abandoned him.
Maybe it's better this way.
NejiXShikamaru
He had decided to accompany Hinata back to the compound for her to grab the things that she needed, hoping that Shikamaru would be fine in the meantime. The younger man was sleeping when he left, mainly because he left earlier than he usually did, so he was relatively sure that Shikamaru would either still be asleep or just waking up when he and Hinata returned to the apartment.
"I'll wait out here." Neji said quietly, stopping in front of the compound gates. Hinata looked up at him briefly, but understood his reasoning for not going into the compound. She hurried inside so they could get to Shikamaru quicker.
The elders of their clan didn't disown Neji, but it was a somewhat unwritten 'rule' that her older cousin wasn't to be discussed amongst them. She assumed this different view of Neji throughout their clan was brought on by his sudden disappearance, none of them knowing where exactly he was. Even though Hinata knew where Neji had been for the past two months, she kept her mouth shut. Though this was only the second or third time that she's seen her cousin in the past few weeks, she now knew that they both had a mutual, unspoken respect towards each other which was something Hinata never thought would happen.
Hinata's always had a respect for Neji, but that was mainly out of fear. But as time has passed, she has found her fear of Neji has been ebbing away and was being replaced by a mutual respect that was commonly shared among siblings. This was the main reason why she never spoke of Neji's whereabouts to the others in their clan. She felt a growing connection with her cousin even though they rarely see each other; she didn't want to lose the connection for fear she would never get it back, especially since she was growing close to the cousin that was the most reclusive and passive among all of their clan.
She looked down at her bag, not realizing that she had been packing a few of her things and remedies for Shikamaru the whole time she was thinking. Hinata slung her bag onto her back and quietly shut her door behind her and hurried back outside to meet Neji by the gate.
"Got them." She said slightly breathless as she stopped in front of Neji as he leaned his back against the wall. He looked at her with softened eyes, which threw her off.
"No stutter." He said simply and began to walk in the direction of Shikamaru's apartment building. Hinata blushed lightly and hurried after him, following his pace as they walked.
"S-so," Hinata started awkwardly, breaking the silence. "What h-has Shikamaru b-been like for the past two months?" Neji glanced down at the street they were walking on, thinking carefully. Hinata eyed him carefully out of the corner of her eye, wondering if she asked the wrong question.
"Hard to say to be honest." He said, glancing over at her.
"I d-don't follow."
"At first, he was all over the place. There were some days he was relatively fine, but then he would sink back down." He paused. "But for the past week now, he's basically been incapacitated." Hinata's eyes went wide at his last statement.
"Incapacitated?" Neji sighed lightly as Shikamaru flooded his vision.
"He barely gets out of bed now. He seems too weak, unhealthy, and depressed to do so." Hinata's eyes gained a sadden look at Neji's tone of voice and the words he was saying.
"He cries every day, more or less, and he always stares at the wall." He paused again; Hinata sensing Neji's internal struggle with the emotions associated with Shikamaru. "But he always hurts himself. He doesn't need an item to do it now." He finished quietly, keeping his face hidden from Hinata as he looked to his left away from her. Hinata knew why he was doing that:
He didn't want her to see that he was hurting as well because of the reality that he couldn't take Shikamaru's pain away.
He doesn't want me to know he's hurting too.
She remained silent for a few moments.
"How d-does he hurt h-himself?" She bit her lip instantly, not sure if she touched a nerve.
Watch what you're saying, Hinata! You idiot!
"He bites his hands and scratches his arms." Neji said softly as they took a left down towards Shikamaru's apartment building. "He also pulls at his hair." Hinata briefly caught the look in Neji's eyes and saw them full of worry, weariness, and internal conflict.
She decided to not say anything as they made their way up to Shikamaru's apartment.
As they walked down towards Shikamaru's door, Neji pulling out his keys in the process, Hinata adjusted the bag on her shoulder, not sure what to expect.
As soon as they were inside Shikamaru's apartment, Neji's ears were pricked by the sound of soft coughs that sounded like they were echoing throughout the whole apartment. Neji's brows furrowed.
Something doesn't feel right.
NejiXShikamaru
Alright Gang,
The editing is almost done!
As always, patience and reviews/PMs would be appreciated! (They encourage me!)
When-Rabbit-Howls