"You can use bombs to blow the Earth to pieces, but you can't use bombs to blow the Earth to peace."
Understanding Estrogen
His dull brown eyes slowly blinked open, slightly surprised to be looking up at the white ceiling of his bedroom. Shikamaru groaned lightly, feeling a strange sensation in his throat. He released a light cough, silently glad that his head didn't throb when he did so. His eyes drifted to the window and he was even more surprised to see that night had fallen.
"You've been out of it b-basically the whole d-day." A soft voice said from his right, Shikamaru turned towards it to see Hinata smiling lightly at him as she sat nervously on his bed. He reached up pointed to his throat.
"This feels weird." He crocked lightly, making Hinata nod slightly.
"I-it will do f-for a few d-days."
"Where's—"
"I f-forgot my jacket b-back at the complex and N-Neji didn't want me g-going over there b-by myself in the d-dark, so he went to get it." Shikamaru eyed her carefully, somewhat suspicious that she knew that he was going to ask about Neji.
"You don't stutter that much anymore." Hinata blushed, surprised by Shikamaru's comment.
"N-Neji said that t-too." Shikamaru paused for a few moments.
"So he's going across the village for a jacket? You could have used one of mine, Hinata. We're about the same size." Hinata smiled lightly down at him, not believing that the person she was looking at was the same one she met years ago.
"I t-think he also needs t-time to c-clear his head." She watched as a wave of guilt flashed across Shikamaru's face as he looked back towards the window. Hinata understood the feeling of guilt all too well, and knew that Shikamaru felt like he was making Neji feel obligated to stay here with him. But she kept her mouth shut for the time being, not sure if talking to Shikamaru about Neji would make him take an unexpected or drastic turn for the worse.
I've only been here for a day and even then, he's been unconscious for the majority of today. He wouldn't open up about anything to me if it's taken Neji about 2 months to get this far.
So they stayed in silence; Shikamaru lying down underneath his thick blanket, staring out of the window at the night sky. Hinata watched him as he looked out the window, completely blown away by the transformation of the man that lay on the bed near her.
She directed her pale eyes down to her fiddling fingers on her lap, thinking. All she really knew at this point is that Shikamaru had a mental breakdown and is currently resting on rock bottom. As she looked at Shikamaru's thin arms from the corner of her eye, her eyes drifted over the numerous scars and new wounds of self-injury. She had a general idea of what self-injury does for the person and what starts the cycle, but since she's never experienced it herself nor did she know Shikamaru's story, it was difficult for her to try to calculate why Shikamaru started this behavior and what pushes him to continue doing so. Her eyes saddened when she stared at the very deep wounds on Shikamaru's left forearm.
Against her better judgment, she gently laid her hand on Shikamaru's right forearm, not wanting to frighten him but also wanting to comfort him. Hinata felt him tense beneath her fingers, making her regret her comforting gesture. But she stayed firm, not removing her hand from Shikamaru's arm until he made it clear that he didn't want her touching him.
Hello, Child.
Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you, but it seemed like you took a vacation!
We both know I can't leave you.
I was being sarcastic.
I was giving you much needed time and space. My absence seems to be helping you.
How so?
For one, you're allowing the Girl to touch your arm.
Shikamaru blinked and directed his eyes towards his right arm where Hinata's delicate hand laid on his scarred forearm. He looked back up through the window.
I believe that you allow the Girl to touch your arm because deep in your heart, you believe the same thing I do.
What's that?
The Girl is harmless.
Shikamaru paused.
Hinata is probably the most harmless person I know.
I am glad we agree on that, but there is another thing about the Girl that I have noticed.
What's that?
If you think about it carefully, the Girl is remarkably similar to someone very close to you.
Shikamaru blinked and redirected his eyes up to Hinata, who was looking away from him. He thought back to how Hinata had tucked the blanket around his thin body when he became tired on the couch. He thought about Hinata making small talk about the books she saw around the room. He remembered her small, innocent smiles. He glanced back down to her hand on his arm and then followed her gaze to the locket on the wall.
His heart stopped.
Mom?
Very good, Child. From what I have seen of the Girl, she does seem remarkably similar to your mother.
She has a kind and pure heart.
Just like your mother before she died; she is also quite soft-spoken and intelligent.
There was a moment of silence.
You can trust her, Child.
Wh—
She is similar to the Boy.
You're just saying that because they're related.
No, she is completely harmless.
That doesn't mean I can trust her.
You think she will run to another person and tell them all that she has learned of you?
Not really, but it's possible.
The Boy has not done that.
Silence.
Women are a bit different from men, Child.
No way, Alecto. You're so smart.
Hush up, Smartass.
It's obvious that men and women are different.
Let me finish, Child.
Fine.
If you allow the Girl into your life, maybe she can tell you the reasoning behind your mother's death.
Don't joke around with something like that, Alecto.
I am not doing that, Child. I am being quite serious. Women understand how their fellow women think.
So you think that because Hinata's a woman, then she can probably understand why my mom made the decision that she did?
Shikamaru felt Alecto's presence fade from his mind and his body relax under Hinata's hand, making him blink as he heard the front door open and close quietly. He heard Neji walk down the hallway and turned to look at the door as Neji pushed it open, Hinata's jacket on his arm. Neji smiled lightly at Hinata and Shikamaru as he walked towards them, handing Hinata her jacket, which she took gratefully.
"How are you feeling?" Neji asked.
"Throat's numb." Shikamaru said, blinking his large dull brown eyes up at him. Neji looked over at Hinata.
"It's n-normal." Hinata reassured him. Neji glanced down at Shikamaru and was shocked to see Hinata's hand resting lightly on his right forearm.
Shikamaru doesn't seem to mind the physical contact, but why? He's usually sensitive about his personal space. Even though it has been about 2 months since anyone but myself was near him…but still.
He wasn't going to question, yet, Hinata's bold move to physically comfort Shikamaru and the Nara's seemingly comfortable reaction to her gesture.
I wonder what Alecto thinks of Hinata.
NejiXShikamaru
They both sat in relatively comfortable silence back in the living room, both Hyuugas lost in their own thoughts. Neji and Hinata had left Shikamaru alone after he fell asleep again, due to the medicine and were now thinking about what they both need to do from their current position.
"I-is that the t-thinnest he's been?" Hinata asked quietly, breaking the silence. Neji nodded and glanced over at her from his tea mug.
"Yes, even though Shikamaru has always been thin, it's now reached a very unhealthy stage." Hinata noted the evident worry in her cousin's voice.
"J-judging by how his c-clothes were hanging on h-him," Hinata replied. "He's just skin and b-bones now…I-I'm assuming h-his other bones a-are prominent?" Neji nodded.
"His ribs are starting to show through and his stomach is caving in." Neji said miserably, staring down into his tea mug. Hinata has never heard such misery in her strong cousin's voice or the defeated appearance he now showed. Her eyes softened.
"We'll g-get him to e-eat somehow." Hinata said, trying to sound reassuring. Neji bit his lower lip gently, his mind occupied with a thought that has been making itself known for the past few weeks. Hinata sensed that Neji was going to speak, but didn't know how to phrase what he wanted to say. She waited patiently, knowing that he needed to start the conversation.
"People…people die from malnutrition…right?" Neji asked quietly, still staring into his tea mug, not wanting Hinata to see his eyes and read every emotion he was trying to hide.
It was Hinata's turn to bite her lower lip, starting to feel overwhelmed by the strong emotions that Neji tried to keep out of his voice and demeanor. What should she say? People can, in fact, die from malnutrition; but she couldn't bring herself to tell him that. But at the same time, it sounded like Neji already knew the truth. What's the point in beating around the bush about it?
"Y-y-yes…people have been known to p-pass away from malnutrition." Hinata stuttered quietly, seeing Neji's grip tighten on his tea mug.
She began to feel an intense pressure built behind her eyes, knowing that tears were trying to flow from their hiding place. Never in her life has she ever seen Neji in such a defeated, weary, and worried state. She never thought that Neji actually had the capability to be those things. The cousin who presented himself as stoic, cold, and distant was now showing a side of himself that Hinata didn't think existed in him.
She felt her eyes grow wet as her tears started to well in her eyes. But Hinata pushed them back and took steady breaths, knowing that there was much more to come and she couldn't get this emotional right now. Feeling her womanly instincts kick in, she slowly stood and carefully walked over and sat next to Neji. He didn't seem to mind her sitting close to him, so she cautiously placed a hand on his back, rubbing slowly up and down; despite feeling him tense slightly at the contact. She saw Neji's shoulders slouch slightly more as he continued to stare into his tea mug with his elbows on his knees, allowing the tension to leave his weary body.
"Shikamaru will get better." Hinata said firmly, forcing her stutter away from her voice. Neji was surprised to hear the firmness in his usually timid cousin, and looked over his shoulder slightly.
"I know it would take a long time," Neji started. "But I didn't think it would get this bad. And even if—"
"When." Hinata interrupted, surprising Neji again. "When Shikamaru gets better, not if." She continued to rub his back gently. Neji released a small chuckle at the firmness in her voice; he looked back down at his tea mug.
"Even when he gets better," Neji corrected himself. "I highly doubt he'll be the same."
"Me too; people always change after any kind of drastic and traumatic change in their lives, especially a breakdown." Hinata continued to rub slow, gentle circles on Neji's back comfortingly.
Her stutter isn't present in her voice…Hinata hasn't stuttered that much since she's been here, even for a short period of time.
"But it's been 2 months and it seems like he's been getting worse." Neji said thickly, feeling his throat becoming tight. "It's been such a roller coaster."
"People often have to get worse before they can get better." Hinata said softly, leaning forward slightly to see more of Neji's face. She honestly had no idea where her sudden surge of determination came from, but she hoped that it wouldn't fade any time soon.
Neji remained silent, thinking about Hinata's words. She was much more knowledgeable than he and other people gave her credit for. Granted, he's been very surprised by her actions and words since she's been in Shikamaru's apartment this morning. He certainly didn't expect to hear any form of firmness or determination in her voice and he was thrown off by the fact that Hinata was actually comforting him…and surprised at himself for allowing it, and allowing himself to show vulnerability so openly.
"I'll get you some more tea." Hinata said as she stood, taking Neji's tea mug from his hands, not actually giving him an option on whether he wanted more tea or not. He smiled lightly at her attitude as she walked towards the kitchen.
NejiXShikamaru
A strong floral scent invaded his nose, making him open his eyes slowly. A brown tea mug sat steaming on his nightstand, obviously freshly made. Shikamaru's ears were pricked by a small sound coming from his left and when he pulled his blanket down slightly so he could see what the source of the sound was, he saw Hinata lightly brush a finger over his mother's locket as she placed her tea mug on his desk.
Shikamaru watched her quietly, thinking about his mother in the process. He started to see what Alecto was saying about Hinata and his mother being similar; he didn't understand why he didn't see it sooner. He could barely see her curious expression as the sun reflected lightly off of the locket.
"The girl is harmless."
Even though Hinata has been stopping by to be with him and Neji for only a week, it was becoming even clearer that she had no intentions to bring him harm.
"It was my mother's." He said softly as he sat up, making Hinata jump and turn sharply towards him. He ran a hand through his hair, sighing lightly as he felt the jaggedness and the drastically different layers.
"O-oh, i-it's quite b-b-beautiful." She blushed. "S-s-sorry, I d-didn't mean t-to wake y-you." Shikamaru picked up the steaming tea mug as he sat cross-legged on his bed.
"You didn't." He said shortly, taking a small sip.
"H-h-how is y-your throat?"
"Much better." He hesitated. "Thank you." Hinata almost missed his last statement as he said it into his tea mug, but chose to not say anything in response; figuring it was better that way.
Comfortable silence fell between them as Hinata continued to analyze the locket and Shikamaru continued to slowly sip the tea that Hinata had made him. He stared down at the light blue liquid that looked back up at him, eyeing his reflection glumly.
His dull doe eyes wandered around his shortened hair, seeing that the longest part of his hair brushed just below his prominent cheekbones as parts of it continued to fall into his eyes. He laid a hand on top of his head, feeling that some of his hair was only about an inch long; while the rest of it now hung in drastically different and jagged lengths. Hinata was eyeing him carefully from the corner of her eye, feeling her heart clench as she saw Shikamaru cringe lightly at the condition his hair was now in. She never considered Shikamaru a vain person, same with everyone else, so she didn't know if he secretly was or if there was a deeper impact his mutilated hair was having on him.
Shikamaru isn't vain...that characteristic just doesn't suit him, so there has to be a deeper impact that his hair is having on him. I can obviously see why he would be self-conscious of his arms, and possibly why he's self-conscious about the current state of his hair…it just feels like there's a deeper meaning behind why he's—
"Hinata," Shikamaru said, breaking her thoughts. She gasped quietly, surprised.
"Y-y-yes, Shikamaru?" The Nara placed the brown tea mug on his nightstand.
"Where's Neji?" She pushed the smile that was creeping onto her face away as she looked innocently at Shikamaru. She was certain that he would ask her that question.
Their bond is certainly a unique one.
"H-he's just up o-on the roof f-for some f-fresh air." She said, smiling gently at him. Shikamaru's dull eyes fell to his lap as he fiddled with his bony fingers.
"Are there pictures on the inside?" Hinata asked, making Shikamaru look back up at her.
"What?" She pointed at the silver locket hanging on the wall.
"Did your mother keep pictures in it?" Shikamaru hesitated slightly and Hinata momentarily regretted her question.
"Yeah, she kept my baby picture and a picture of my biological father in it." He paused. "She never took it off." Hinata wasn't sure if she should say anything. Shikamaru stared down at his lap as he fiddled with his fingers, biting his bottom lip. He blinked slowly.
"She died about 4 years ago." Hinata's heart plummeted as she turned fully to face him. She stared as Shikamaru fiddled with his fingers and breathe steadily. She knew that Shikamaru was having an intense emotional war right now. Quietly, she made her way over to Shikamaru and carefully sat next to his knees.
"I've never understood why she left. I still don't." Shikamaru said quietly as Alecto's words came back to his mind. Hinata bit her lip gently, silently hoping that Shikamaru would open up a little bit about his mother so that he can deal with all the emotional intensity. She chose her words carefully.
By 'left,' I'm assuming suicide.
"One of the primary reasons behind…that kind of decision," Hinata started, "is repressed or unresolved emotions that become so intense to the point that they're unbearable." Shikamaru stopped fiddling with his fingers.
"But she seemed fine." He said quietly.
"That's f-fairly normal," She paused. "Plus she w-was a parent." Shikamaru looked up at her.
"Meaning?"
"It's n-normal for parents to hide c-certain emotions from their children. Parents don't want their children to know they're depressed o-or s-something along t-that line." Shikamaru blinked slowly, processing what she was saying. Hinata felt her heart beat faster as she realized that Shikamaru was truly thinking about what she was saying; he was considering whether or not her words are true.
"Y-your mother was most likely dealing w-with intense pain that she didn't show you b-because that's usually how parents are. F-F-Fathers usually hide certain emotions by appearing to be c-collected and possibly stoic. Mothers usually hide c-certain emotions by appearing to be happy and as upbeat as t-they can possibly be." She paused to let her words sink in, hoping that they'll have an impact on Shikamaru. His dull eyes briefly darted to the locket behind her.
"She didn't want me to know she was hurting?" He whispered, his eyes becoming slightly glassy.
"Right, and I k-know that I d-don't know w-w-what you've e-experienced in the p-past, but I'm sure that s-something was happening t-that would p-push her to make t-that decision." Shikamaru locked eyes with her and she felt fear grip her body at the intense look in his dull, glassy eyes.
Had she said the wrong thing?
"F-F-For some w-women," Hinata continued hurriedly, praying that Shikamaru wasn't angry for what she just said. "Some times w-women blame t-themselves for t-things that are out o-of our c-control. For s-some women…t-that's just h-how we are. I d-do that a lot." Shikamaru continued to stare at her, but the intensity in his eyes has dimmed slightly.
"You blame yourself for things that you have no control over?" Hinata nodded.
"Yes, a-and I'm n-not the o-only person who d-does." She paused. "Like I s-said, a lot of w-women do so a-as well. M-men do as well, b-but women do it m-more o-often." Shikamaru broke eye contact with her and stared back down at his lap, thinking. So his mother was in pain and he never saw it. All those hours they spent together and he never saw a sign of sadness flash across her face. He released a small chuckle, surprising Hinata.
"Guess I'm a lot like her then, huh?" He asked, looking back up at her with more tears in his eyes. She noticed that his voice shook very slightly as he tried to keep control of himself.
"I have spent more than 10 years— " He choked as visions of the past began flashing in front of his eyes. Shikamaru bit the inside of his cheek to push back the tears and emotions that threatened to come out. Hinata bit on her lower lip gently as she watched Shikamaru struggle with himself. He sniffed as he looked back down at his lap.
You're doing well. Trust her.
"I have s-spent more than 10 years of my l-life in the c-constant cycle of a-a-abuse and m-multiple years in self-destruction." Shikamaru choked out, not bothering to wipe away the tears that now occupied his hollowed face. Hinata felt her eyes being pricked by the tears that wanted to come out, but she pushed them back, knowing that she needed to be strong for Shikamaru. She was taken aback when she heard Shikamaru release a low growl.
"It's all his fault." Hinata didn't know who he was talking about, but she figured it was best to not interrupt. "If he never entered my mother's life, she would still be alive and I wouldn't have become this way. It's his fault. It's all his fault!" He gripped his shortened hair in his hands, feeling some strands of hair pulling away from his scalp.
Hinata shifted to sit right next to Shikamaru and placed a hand on his back carefully, not sure how he would react as she felt the boniness of his figure. He allowed smalls sobs to escape him as Hinata rubbed his back as comfortingly as she could, not knowing what else to do.
The only sound in the room was Shikamaru's sobs. Shikamaru felt as though he was being crushed under the crippling and brutalizing amount of pain that he's carried with him for years; never allowing any of it to be released. He's always done his best to push back all this hurt so that he wouldn't have to feel it, but he now knew that he has to feel the things that he's suppressed for years.
"Even though," Shikamaru started, his voice thick from crying. He breathed deeply and sniffed. "Even though I did my best to hide what was happening to me away from everyone, I…" He sniffed again and looked up at Hinata, wiping the tears from his face. "I always had this hope that someone would save me. That someone would find me." Hinata felt her chest clench and her eyes become glassy. "I didn't want anyone to know what the stepfather was doing to me, but in the back of my mind, there was this small hope that someone would see beyond my defenses and save me. Find me." Hinata noticed that Shikamaru had said 'the' instead of 'my' when he mentioned his stepfather, but chose to not say anything about it.
"I'm full of contradictions in a way," Shikamaru said, looking away from Hinata.
"How so?" Hinata did her best to keep her voice steady.
"I'm lazy, but I'm considered a 'genius'. I hid my abuse, but had a small hope that someone would notice and save me from the stepfather." Shikamaru let out a soft dry laugh. "I'm not necessarily a 'genius' by nature so I'm not sure if that actually counts." Hinata was taken aback.
"W-what do you mean?"
"I learned from a very young age to think in different and creative ways. The stepfather was…creative in his treatment towards me, so if I wanted to survive, I had to think on his level: quickly, analytically, efficiently, and in the long-run." He paused. "I think the way I do because that's how I've always had to think…the stepfather made me think the way I do. I think the way I do because it's what I had to do in order to survive. That's why I don't really consider myself a 'genius'...I wasn't born with my way of thinking…it's just been engrained in me over the years."
Hinata sat in stunned silence.
So according to him, he wasn't born a genius…he just grew up thinking like one because he had to think like a genius in order to survive. I've never…heard anything like that before.
"But," Shikamaru continued, interrupting Hinata's train of thought. "I eventually gave up on that small hope that someone would save me from the stepfather." He paused. "I've always been angry and jealous at you and everyone else." Shikamaru admitted, looking up at her.
"W-w-why?"
"None of you were being treated the way I was." Shikamaru said bluntly. "I would rather be hated by every single person in this village, than to go through what I did with the stepfather. I would rather be homeless and have no material items than to go through what I did with the stepfather." He looked away from Hinata again, leaving her feeling strangely winded by his honesty.
"I suffered in silence for more than 10 years right in front of everyone and no one noticed." Shikamaru turned towards her again, his dull eyes glassy but with a strong feeling of anger and frustration behind them; chunks of short jagged hair fell in front of his eyes.
"But," He continued. "A couple years ago, I stopped caring about virtually everything in a sense. Even though the self-destruction became more intense, it wasn't a problem because I had it under control." Hinata's brows furrowed.
So if he feels a sense of control over something, then it's not a problem. That's going to be a tough mindset to change.
"Death sounded like a vacation." He said the last statement without blinking, seeming to be staring straight through Hinata. "I guess my mother saw death as a vacation." Shikamaru said, turning away from her to look through the window. Hinata had a feeling that he was done talking, so she sat still for a couple of minutes before standing, grabbing his tea mug from the night stand and hers on his desk, and leaving Shikamaru alone with his thoughts.
NejiXShikamaru
Alright Gang,
As always, patience and reviews/PMs would be appreciated!
When-Rabbit-Howls