"Just because you can get into a girl's pants doesn't mean you should wear them."

Story Behind Denial

She did her best to sit still on the couch, but failed miserably. She cleaned the kitchen until it was practically spotless and cleaned the living room as well. She smiled when she looked at the pictures of Shikamaru with his mother and became intrigued when she noticed the piano near the wall. She even chuckled when she read some of the titles of Shikamaru's books, not surprised that some of them involved strategy and puzzles. She decided to not touch the books in case Shikamaru had a certain system that he organized them. So she paced in the kitchen, wringing her hands until they were red.

Hinata was scared.

She leaned against the counter with her hands on either side of the sink, looking through the window. Hinata tapped her fingers nervously as she bit her lip, tempted to go up to the roof to talk to Neji about what Shikamaru just said.

What are the chances…?

Hinata pushed herself away from the counter and peered around the corner at Neji as he closed the door behind him and pushed his shoes against the wall. She noticed that he looked much more at peace than he did when he left to sit on the roof earlier that morning. He looked up at her and worry instantly cloaked his face when he saw Hinata wringing her hands raw.

"What happened?" He asked, tucking a chunk of dark brown hair behind his ear. Neji walked towards her as he pulled out the hair-tie out of his hair.

Hinata turned away from him and leaned her back against the counter as Neji stood in front of her, worry etched in his every facial feature. It unnerved her in a way to see Neji show so much emotion.

"N-nothing p-particularly happened," She started. "But S-S-Shikamaru did say something t-that…um…that's w-worrisome." Neji raised an eyebrow slightly.

"What did he say?" He asked as he bundled his long brown hair near the base of his neck, tying it in a loose bun as parts fell into his cream-colored eyes.

Shikamaru actually talked to her?

"H-he was t-talking about his mother and—"

"What?" Neji interrupted, surprised.

"I-I was a bit s-surprised as well." Hinata admitted. "But he said that d-d-death…sounded like a v-vacation." Neji felt his body freeze.

He's not…Shikamaru's not thinking of…leaving…is he?

"He said t-that his m-mother p-probably t-thought the same t-thing." Neji willed his legs to move him towards the counter and when he reached it, he leaned his back against it, thinking.

If Shikamaru's saying that death sounds like a vacation…then he's probably thinking of…following in his mother's footsteps.

His mind flashed back to the past 2 months and he realized that it made sense. Considering Shikamaru's background and his behavior in the past couple months, Neji knew that he and Hinata would have to keep an even closer eye on him.

Shikamaru has never said it –that I'm aware of- but it's possible that he attempted suicide in the past but has never talked about it.

"What uh…what else did he say?" Neji asked shakily, leaning heavier on the counter as he looked down at the floor. Hinata remained quiet for a few moments as she looked at her cousin, parts of his hair hiding his face.

"He…he m-mentioned a…hope…that he used to h-have." Neji turned his head towards her slightly, hair still hiding his face.

"What was this hope? Was he still with his stepfather?" Hinata nodded.

"Y-yes, b-b-but he said t-that that hope e-eventually…died." Neji was now facing her, cream-colored eyes overflowing with worry and concern.

"What was this hope?" Neji repeated. Hinata locked eyes with her cousin, knowing that Shikamaru's past hope would most likely crush Neji. She hesitated.

"Um…uh…he…w-w-w-well, h-he uh…uh…"

"Hinata," Neji interjected, silencing her. She breathed deeply, doing her best to calm her nerves.

"S-Shikamaru had a hope t-that someone w-would…uh…"

"Would what?" Neji pressed. Hinata hesitated momentarily.

"Save him."

The silence that fell around them was suffocating and brutalizing, threatening to cripple Neji slowly. He looked back down at the floor, shock and guilt gripping his body mercilessly.

Even though Shikamaru hid his abuse, he still hoped that someone would save him.

Neji sighed quietly, doing his best to push back his overwhelming feeling of guilt. He remembered this vast feeling of guilt when he first found out about Shikamaru's abuse, but now that he knew that Shikamaru had a hope that someone would save him from the abuse, the guilt was crushing.

Shikamaru hid his 13 years of abuse, while clinging to the hope that someone would save him. I'm sure there were signs that he was being mistreated, so why didn't I see them…why didn't anyone see them?

Uncharacteristically, he felt his eyes sting as his emotions and tears tried to escape him, but he did his best to push them back, clenching his eyes shut as his grip on the counter tightened. He felt the crippling amount of guilt choke him, as though trying to kill him as his punishment for allowing Shikamaru to suffer. Slowly, his guilt was gaining a new best friend:

Self-loathing.

He wanted to make himself suffer as much as Shikamaru had for the majority of his life; though he knew that Shikamaru still continues to suffer to the present day. He needed to make himself pay for his carelessness in not seeing past Shikamaru's defenses. He needed to make himself miserable for not saving Shikamaru from his stepfather. He wanted to make himself feel as much pain as Shikamaru does.

He wanted to trade places with Shikamaru; wanted to take his pain away and make himself suffer instead.

Neji has always been called genius, but how can a supposed genius not see the signs of abuse when they were right in front of him? How can a supposed genius be so careless and unobservant?

If I cared so deeply about him, why didn't I do anything?

He gritted his teeth angrily and grabbed the coffee pot that was behind him and threw it powerfully at the wall opposite him. Hinata jumped, terrified, at the unexpected action of her cousin. She looked towards the wall where the coffee pot laid broken on the floor.

Hinata redirected her eyes back at Neji, who was breathing deeply as he hunched his body slightly. She knew that Neji was angry at himself for the entire situation with Shikamaru, but she didn't know how to make him see that it wasn't his fault that Shikamaru was treated the way he was and that he didn't see the signs that Shikamaru was suffering. Hinata had no idea what to do at that moment because she has never seen Neji express so much anger. So she did the thing that she thought would be best and what usually seems to work:

She quietly left the kitchen to give Neji space.

NejiXShikamaru

Shikamaru's dull doe eyes shot open as he heard the sound of breaking glass, possibly coming from the kitchen. He stared at the usual spot on the wall, wondering what had broken and how it broke. He thought that Neji or Hinata might have dropped something, but he also knew that neither of them were really a clumsy person. Curiosity getting the better of him, Shikamaru slowly pushed himself into a sitting position and carefully stood, swaying slightly. He felt exhausted, even though all he really does now is sleep or at least stay in bed. He ran a hand through his short, messy hair, sighing as he felt the jaggedness of the drastically different layers.

Shikamaru shuffled to the door and down the hallway, surprised to hear no sound coming from anywhere in the apartment. The silence in the apartment felt bizarre to him. When he walked into the living room, he found that Hinata was lounging on the couch with a book on her lap, even though he knew she wasn't really reading it because her eyes weren't moving. She looked up when she heard him walking in.

"Hi Shikamaru," She greeted kindly, smiling lightly at him.

"What happened?" He asked dully.

"W-what do you mean?"

"Something broke." Hinata's face fell a bit, not sure if she should tell him about Neji's burst of anger.

"Oh…that…" She said, hoping that Shikamaru wouldn't push her for information.

They heard the quiet clinking of glass coming from the kitchen, Hinata knowing that Neji was picking up the pieces of glass from the broken coffee pot. She sat up slightly when Shikamaru started to shuffle towards the kitchen to investigate the sound of glass. Shikamaru peered into the kitchen, a bit surprised to see Neji sitting cross-legged on the floor, picking up pieces of glass off the floor. Neji didn't seem to realize he was there near him, seeming to be too lost in his own thoughts to notice his surroundings.

"What happened?" Shikamaru asked, seeing Neji jump slightly. Neji turned to look up at him, surprised to see him standing before him.

He doesn't need to know.

"Don't worry about it." He said, turning back to his task. He didn't want to tell Shikamaru that he got so angry at himself that he threw his coffee pot at the wall; mainly because he had a feeling that Shikamaru would find a way to blame himself.

"You'll hurt yourself if you're not careful with that." Shikamaru pointed out, nodding towards the glass as he took a couple steps towards Neji.

"Don't get too close, I don't want you stepping on any glass." Neji warned, looking up at him.

It was in that moment that Neji saw the true extent of Shikamaru's physical condition. Granted, Shikamaru's strange cough went away a bit quicker than Hinata predicted, but that was no longer on his busy mind. He felt his heart sink as he noticed Shikamaru's tank top was barely able to outline his shrinking figure; his loose black pants were also barely able to outline his twig-like legs. Neji's eyes wondered to Shikamaru's chest, seeing that his collarbone and sternum was much too prominent and that his arms were becoming more like twigs with each passing day. Slowly, he directed his eyes down to Shikamaru midriff, noticing that his tank top was slightly raised. His heart seemed to stop as he saw Shikamaru's hip bones jut out to the point that they looked as though they were trying to escape his skin.

It's like he's shrinking.

"What?" Shikamaru's question broke through Neji's overwhelmed brain, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"What?"

"You're staring."

"Sorry." Neji mumbled, turning back to picking up the glass on the floor.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Neji asked, knowing full well what Shikamaru was talking about.

"Why were you staring at me?" Neji remained quiet, not daring to tell Shikamaru his worries about his physical condition. He didn't know how Shikamaru would react to his observations, so he decided to stay quiet.

"Neji," Shikamaru prompted, not understanding why Neji was staying quiet. Meanwhile, he heard Hinata move from her place on the couch; walking towards them.

"Don't worry about it." Neji repeated, hiding his cringe when he heard Shikamaru sigh.

"Will you just tell me already?" Shikamaru asked, frustration seeping into his voice. "You're obviously worried about something."

"Shikamaru, you don't need to worry about anything, okay?" Neji said gently. Shikamaru's eyes narrowed.

"There's obviously something to worry about!" He said louder. Shikamaru growled deep in his throat, frustrated by the fact that Neji wasn't telling him how the coffee pot broke and why he was staring at him. He sighed deeply, wincing slightly as his chest felt a slight pinch of pain. He knew that Neji was a lot like him in the sense that he wouldn't talk if he didn't want to.

"Fine." Shikamaru said in a clipped tone, turning away from him and shuffling back to his room. "Sorry for worrying." Neji sighed deeply as he glanced at Hinata, both wincing when Shikamaru slammed the door angrily.

"You did the right thing." Hinata said, brushing her pants off. Neji looked down at the floor, not sure if Hinata was right.

"He wouldn't have been able to handle the reality of his physical condition. He probably doesn't truly recognize that his current physical state is so unhealthy and dangerous."

"How? He's literally skin and bones." Neji asked, glancing up at her slightly.

"Shikamaru seems to be the kind of person that thinks if they don't acknowledge something, then it doesn't exist." Alecto's words instantly spoke in his mind. "He's probably not recognizing or acknowledging his current physical condition because he's having to confront many things that he's kept buried for years."

"But he's self-conscious of the scars on his arms."

"And his hair." Hinata added.

"His hair?" She nodded.

"There's probably a deeper meaning behind that one. The reasoning behind his self-consciousness of his arms is obvious."

"But how can he recognize his scars and hair, but not everything else?" Neji asked, his brow furrowing slightly.

"It's probably too overwhelming for him. Like I said, he's having to confront a lot of things. He can only handle so much at a time. So to give himself time to cope with things, he denies some things exist. Again, if he denies or refuses to recognize and acknowledge something, then it doesn't exist." Neji leaned against the wall next to them, mulling Hinata's explanation over in his mind.

It makes sense. Even though he doesn't talk a whole lot, Shikamaru's still thinking and processing things. Fuck.

"There's also his mindset about control." Neji said quietly, making Hinata nod.

"I think that's going to be the hardest thing to change." She said, making Neji sigh again. "He's mentioned it before that if he has control, then it's not a problem." She paused. "But, Shikamaru's being something that he usually isn't." Hinata continued, grabbing Neji's attention again.

"What would that be?" He asked, curiosity evident in his voice.

"I mean, he could've always been this, but it doesn't really fit his personality and I haven't really seen it until I started stopping by."

"What is it?"

"Shikamaru is being manipulative." Neji quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Manipulative?"

"He knows that if he gets angry, then whatever is happening will stop, which is what he wants. You wouldn't answer any of his questions he was asking, so he got angry at you. But he knows that getting angry will give him what he wants." She paused. "But probably the biggest reason behind his manipulation," Hinata continued. "Is that if he pushes you away, you won't push back as hard, if at all."

"What do you mean?"

"If you ask him something about his past that he doesn't want to talk about, he'll push you away. He's realized by now that because he pushes you away from him, you won't push back as hard because you worry about hurting him." It clicked in his brain.

"That…makes a lot of sense." He said slowly. "It explains basically everything."

"Also, his manipulation is possibly preventing him from recovering." Neji cut his eyes up at her.

"Meaning?"

"Because he's pushing you away from certain aspects of him and his past, he's not able to let go of anything. I'm sure he's been thinking about a lot of things over the past couple months, but old habits die hard."

"If he's not acknowledging certain things, then those things don't exist to him and he won't talk about them…because they don't exist to him…so he's not able to let go or do anything with the things he's denying that they exist." Hinata nodded slowly.

"Exactly, and we're talking about 13 years of abuse at the hands of someone he's supposed to be able to trust. 13 years is a very long time to gain many memories and experiences. In order for Shikamaru to get better, he has to acknowledge and truly accept things that have happened over the course of several years." Neji sighed lightly, whistling quietly through his teeth.

"It's taken about 2 months for him to open up about his mother and vague things about his stepfather. He's expressed certain things…fears, frustrations, the like. But…he has to acknowledge everything that has happened to him over the course of 13 years?" She nodded again.

"That's usually how it works unfortunately. But it is a good sign that he opened up to me about his mother in a way. He said that he doesn't understand why she did what she did, so I just explained how some women think."

"At least he's opening up a little bit to you." Neji said. "That's good."

"But he doesn't talk very often, so it's possible that he's pushing memories and emotions back into his mind because he doesn't want to acknowledge them."

"He doesn't want to believe those things exist." Neji cut in.

"Right, once he's able to deny something, it doesn't exist to him. His level of mental discipline and conditioning is truly astonishing."

Silence fell between them, Neji feeling a bit blown away by Hinata's explanation of what Shikamaru is most likely experiencing. It makes so much sense and his mind was starting to settle down because he gained new information about what Shikamaru is most likely experiencing.

"Impressive." Neji said, causing Hinata to give him a questioning look.

"What is?"

"You." He said bluntly, making Hinata blush. "I honestly never expected you to be so knowledgeable about this kind of thing. Plus," He paused. "You never stuttered." Hinata laughed lightly.

"I actually don't usually stutter if I know what I'm talking about and I'm not around many people." Neji laughed lightly with her.

"What should we do from here, Doc?" Neji asked, half playfully half seriously.

"Well first off, we have to make him eat. His malnutrition is getting to the point that if his physical health doesn't improve then we'll have to send him to the hospital." Neji bit his lip gently.

"If it comes to that, we'll have to tie him up because he won't go willingly." Hinata nodded.

"Very true, and then we need to try to get Shikamaru to open up about things that he's already acknowledged."

"Get him talking about things he's already acknowledge and believe exist, then get him to bring up memories and emotions that he's buried and refuses to acknowledge, which makes him believe don't exist. Once that happens, then he'll start to believe the things that he's refused to acknowledge, thus he can start to recover." Hinata nodded.

"That's exactly right, but we need to be careful as well as forceful."

"Forceful?" Neji asked, slightly alarmed.

"He's being manipulative, remember?" Hinata said, giving him a slightly pointed look. "But we also need to be careful and gentle because we're not exactly sure what could push him over the edge again. With the state he's currently in, it seems as though he's not getting better in any way, because in a sense...he's not." Neji sighed, looking up at the ceiling as he leaned his head against the wall behind him. Silence fell between them for a few minutes.

"It's going to take a long time, isn't it?" Neji asked quietly, looking down at her as he saw her nodding.

"I know it will take a while, but I honestly can't give a time line for his recovery. But," She paused. "It could take a few years, if not more."

"Seriously?"

"Oh yes, the acknowledging part of things will take a while—obviously- but we also have to remember his behavior and actions prior to his intervention."

"His addiction to pain and pills." Neji said softly.

"And he's been stuck in self-destruction for many years. Addiction is a very powerful force. Shikamaru may be very frail in every aspect, but his addictions push him to get it at whatever cost." Neji remained quiet for a few moments.

"Do you think he'll get sick of me?" He asked honestly, throwing Hinata off.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think he'll get tired of having me around? I've been with him for 2 months now and I don't want to go anywhere, but I don't want to overstep either." Hinata smiled widely at him, surprised and warmed by the blunt honesty in Neji's words and his candidness.

"I highly doubt he will. You two have a very special connection." Neji raised an eyebrow at her. She continued. "I'm not blind, you know. I see the way you look at him and how comfortable he is with you." Neji looked away from her as he felt his face grow slightly warm. "Plus, he panicked when you left him alone for a little while without telling him."

"Besides," Hinata continued. "I know you'll never leave him. Granted, he won't really be the same once he recovers, but I'm positive that Shikamaru won't want you to leave him either." She hesitated. "It's obvious that he means a lot to you and you mean a lot to him. He always asks after you if he doesn't know where you are."

"But," Neji said, sighing lightly. "You know how our clan is." Hinata raised an eyebrow in confusion, but then it dawned on her what Neji was talking about:

Their clan condemned homosexuality. Neji would be excommunicated if he were to come out.

"People can't control your heart. Only the person who has your heart can do that. Shikamaru has your heart, Neji, and I'm sure you have his." Neji stared down at his cousin, processing her words.

"I haven't had any contact with anyone from our clan except you. Take that and add…my feelings for Shikamaru, and I'll be excommunicated from the clan and a so-called 'disgrace' to them." Hinata hesitated for a few moments, debating whether or not her next words were the right ones to say. But she figured that Neji was being so honest with her, then she should do the same.

"You could be right," She said honestly. "But so what?" Neji instantly knew what she meant.

"I never thought there would be a moment in my life where I would actually hear you talk like that…but here it is." Neji said, smiling at his cousin. Hinata smiled back at him and shrugged.

"You're changing. Shikamaru's changing. I might as well start changing too."

NejiXShikamaru

Alright Gang,

Like I said, I know Hinata was a bit OOC at some parts but I think it's in a cool way.

As always, patience and reviews/PMs would be appreciated!

When-Rabbit-Howls