"Oh I'm just so depressed, I can't even threaten your life for being such a jackass…Jackass…I'll kill you."

The First Entry

He felt winded and light-headed as Shikamaru laid his head back on his shoulder, nuzzling his neck slightly. He knew he heard Shikamaru correctly and knew what a monumental moment it was for the man on his lap. Neji knew he didn't need to say anything as he rested the side of his face on top of Shikamaru's head, staring at the wall. For the first time since he started staying with Shikamaru about three months ago, Neji felt a deep-set certainty that Shikamaru was truly ready to heal. At the same time, he felt an enormous pressure being lifted away from him, knowing that the pressure was the many emotions associated with Shikamaru and their situation for the past few months. But a certain question was now nagging at him:

What the hell do I do from here?

Now that Shikamaru seemed to be ready and willing to start healing, what the hell was he supposed to do from here? Yes, he's done his best to make sure Shikamaru doesn't hurt himself and did his best to force food down the Nara's throat, but he had no idea what to do in terms of how to deal with Shikamaru in a mental and emotional aspect. Yes, he's been there for Shikamaru, but the Nara wasn't at a place where he was ready and willing to start opening up to him, but now he was. He's listened to Shikamaru give the bare minimum about his mother and his path down self-destruction, but Shikamaru hasn't talked about those things in much depth.

His smile grew slightly as he felt Shikamaru drift off to sleep, his thin arms losing their hold around his midsection. When he knew that Shikamaru was fully asleep by the sound of his breathing, he began to move slowly and carefully. He flinched slightly as he moved his left leg, which had decided to fall asleep, as he gently laid Shikamaru down and pulled his thick blanket up to his chin, tucking the corners in around him. Brushing his hand lightly across Shikamaru's harrowing face, he looked fondly down on him, his small smile still in place. He stood slowly and left the room, closing the door behind him quietly.

"How is he?" Hinata asked as Neji walked into the kitchen. She turned to look at him from the sink, noticing his hesitancy.

"He's…" He tried to find the right word. "He's ready." Hinata raised an eyebrow.

"Ready to get better?" Neji nodded, surprised that Hinata didn't hesitate. Hinata's smile widened. She turned to look fully at him.

"So what happened?" Neji chuckled lightly.

"I uh, I took your advice." Hinata looked questioning at him. Neji inhaled deeply. "I told him." It took Hinata a few moments to realize what he meant, but when she did, her eyes began to shine.

"How did he react? Good, obviously, but details would be nice." Neji chuckled lightly again.

"Well, he was quiet for a little bit." Hinata raised an eyebrow.

"Alecto?" Neji nodded.

"Yeah." He paused. "But when he…'came back', he uh…he…" Hinata hid her smile at Neji's hesitancy and possible embarrassment, but she had a good idea of what happened next.

"He said he loved you too." Hinata finished for him, making him look up at her. The look in his cloud-like eyes confirmed what she said and she turned back down towards the list she was writing.

They're too adorable.

"What's that?" Neji asked, now standing beside her, wanting to take the conversation away from his feelings.

"My to-do and shopping list."

"It's nice to get out of here every once in a while." Neji said, making Hinata nod.

"I agree. I'm sure a great first place to start with Shikamaru is taking him outside. Fresh air never killed anyone."

NejiXShikamaru

He sighed softly, drawing a thick line through the words he just wrote. He was lying in his bed on his left side, his left arm wrapped underneath his pillow to support his head as he looked down at the small notebook he was writing in.

When he woke up some time ago, he began to replay the past few hours in his head, his face growing warm as he remembered certain things. He closed his doe eyes and snuggled into his pillow slightly, forming phrases in his mind. He has been working on a poem of sorts for the past hour or so, and has found it unfamiliarly relieving to get words down on paper.

I've heard that writing is really powerful and helpful…let's see if that's true.

Shikamaru sighed softly again as he began to continue writing, slightly aggravated by the fact that he was feeling tired again. He's heard that people in situations like his are tired a lot, but that doesn't mean that his tiredness didn't piss him off at times. He wrote down the last few words, a bit surprised as he looked down at his words.

For not writing for roughly four months, my handwriting isn't as crappy as I thought it would be.

NejiXShikamaru

Neji opened the door quietly and poked his head inside the room, smiling lightly as he heard Shikamaru's steady breathing. His eyes drifted to the window above Shikamaru's bed, slightly surprised to see it halfway open. He knew that Shikamaru doesn't usually keep his bedroom window open unless the room was stuffy and hot, but he then felt that the temperature in the room was a bit cooler than what Shikamaru usually prefers. He shook his head as he stepped into the room.

I'm thinking way too far into the damn window.

But he stopped when he heard a slight rustling of something unfamiliar.

What the hell was that?

He approached Shikamaru's sleeping form to see what caused the odd rustling sound. Looking over him, Neji saw that there was a small notebook that Shikamaru was writing in before he fell asleep. The page that Shikamaru was writing on rustled slightly as a breeze entered the room from the open window. Neji bit his lip, debating with himself. He could see that Shikamaru had written a bit on the page, even though the pencil that was lying on top of it blocked out many of the words. Small, neat, slanted letters looked back up at him, but he couldn't read them even with his sharp eyes. He desperately wanted to know what Shikamaru had written, but didn't want to betray his trust by reading it.

I can't do that…no matter how much I want to know.

Neji reached over Shikamaru's sleeping form and closed the window quietly. He looked back down at Shikamaru and tucked a piece of short brown hair behind his ear, his eyes briefly glancing over at the notebook. Sticking with his decision, he left the room, closing the door behind him. Feeling curiosity and something else he couldn't place, he walked back to the kitchen slowly, thinking about all the things that Shikamaru could possibly have written about.

"Sleeping?" Hinata asked, still working on her list.

"He wrote something." She turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow.

"What did he write?" Neji hesitated.

"I didn't read it, but it looked like he wrote a bit."

"Writing is very therapeutic…it's good that's he's starting to do that and it's also good that you didn't read what he wrote."

"I couldn't betray his trust like that."

"Exactly, but this is also a good place to start." Now it was Neji's turn to raise an eyebrow at her.

"What do you mean?" Hinata placed her pen down and turned to look fully at him.

"He left the paper out in the open, right?" Neji nodded.

"Yeah, he started writing in this little notebook…don't know where he got it though."

"Well, if he knows that he left it out, then he also knows the possibility of either you or me seeing it…most likely you though." She added. "With that said, he can test you."

"Test me?"

"He can test your trustworthiness. If Shikamaru sees that you didn't read what he wrote even though you had the opportunity too, then he'll trust you more."

"But how will he test me?" Hinata hesitated for a few moments.

"That varies from person to person, but you'll know it when he does. It's possible that he won't really test you at all." Neji's brow furrowed.

"Meaning?"

"Well, given what's happened in the past few hours between you two," Neji felt his face heat up slightly. "Obviously something happened or Alecto said something that truly got through to him and made him see that he can fully trust you." She paused. "Plus trust is one of the most powerful things between two people who love each other and that's been established between both of you." She turned back to her list, knowing that Neji would most likely be slightly embarrassed by her last statement. Neji turned away from her and looked down at the floor, his hands buried in his front pockets.

"Mention it." Hinata said, breaking the few moments of silence. Neji looked back up at her.

"Mention what? The notebook?" She nodded.

"Yes, if you can see it, mention it. You and I both know that he won't start the conversation about whatever he wrote…you have to. Don't be forceful. If he doesn't want to talk about it, push lightly and if he still resists, back off." Neji nodded slightly as he processed his cousin's words and he turned to leave before Hinata spoke again.

"This is where the true difficulty and intensity of recovery starts, Neji." He stopped and turned back towards her, seeing that she was already looking at him.

"What do you mean?" She hesitated slightly.

"Shikamaru will start talking about things that we have absolutely no idea what it's like to experience. Examples, neither of us were abused and neither of us have had a suicide in our lives." Neji's heart sank, thinking back to what he was thinking about earlier.

"We haven't had experiences that could be equivalent to what Shikamaru has experienced, so we have nothing to really emotionally prepare ourselves for whatever it is Shikamaru will say." She paused. "I know you lost your father, but that wasn't a suicide. We can't relate to the emotional trauma that Shikamaru has been through." She said softly. Neji sighed lightly, staring back down at the floor.

"That's why recovery is always hard for not only the person recovering, but also the people who are helping them. The people who are helping the person in recovery can't relate to the person they're trying to help." She paused again. "It'll be hard for us because we can't relate to any of the things that Shikamaru has experienced: abuse, the suicide of his mother, self-destruction, and emotional and mental trauma."

Neji sighed again, already feeling overwhelmed. He knew Hinata was right, but that didn't make anything easier. Thick silence fell between them before Neji looked back up at Hinata.

"I'll go see if he's awake."

NejiXShikamaru

"Thank you." Shikamaru said when Neji opened the door; Neji quirked an eyebrow at him as he walked over the bed, also looking to see if the notebook was still laying out.

"For what?"

"Closing the window; it got a little stuffy in here earlier." He noticed that Shikamaru's voice sounded weak and his eyes had lost some of their spark.

Why though? He just took a nap and suddenly his voice is weak and his eyes are dull again.

"No problem. I didn't want you getting too cold." Shikamaru scoffed lightly as he directed his dull doe eyes up at the ceiling, his short choppy hair forming a messy halo on his pillow. Shikamaru brushed his bony hand across his eyes, not knowing why he felt like crying. But this didn't go unnoticed to Neji, who felt his heart break.

This happens from time to time: Shikamaru sometimes gets emotional and tries to hide it.

Hinata explained to him that the urge to cry is normal for people in Shikamaru's situation, but that didn't take away Neji's feeling of helplessness. Neji felt his heart sank as he saw that the spark hadn't returned to his eyes. But then he felt himself become numb:

He saw the notebook lying open in the exact position he saw it the first time.

Shit, how am I supposed to start this?

"Neji?" Shikamaru's small voice broke through his thoughts and focused back on him.

"Yes?"

"You okay? You spaced out." Neji's thoughts began to race as he felt the unfamiliar sensation of panic.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Why am I panicking so much?

"Yeah, I'm fine Shikamaru, don't worry." Neji said, trying to sound as reassuring as he can. He saw the quizzical look on Shikamaru's face, but realized that Shikamaru was going to let his bluff slide. He stood a bit quicker than he meant too, causing Shikamaru to jump slightly at the sudden action.

"I'll be back." He said and left the room, trying to keep the quickness out of his actions.

He hurried back to the kitchen to where he knew Hinata was, his heart still hammering from the bizarre feeling of panic. She turned to look at him, confused by his frazzled appearance.

"What happened?" Neji couldn't find the words at first because even he didn't know what happened to him.

"I…I…panicked." Hinata raised both of her brows is surprise, not really thinking that Neji could panic about something.

"Panicked? Why?"

"I don't know. I saw the notebook that Shikamaru wrote in and it was in the same exact position as when I first saw it, and that was when I started to panic a little bit." Confusion crossed Hinata's face.

"Did he mention it at all?" Neji shook his head, feeling himself begin to calm down.

"No." Hinata thought for a moment before she placed her pen down and walked towards him.

"Let me try." She said, walking passed him and down the hallway.

NejiXShikamaru

"Hi," Hinata said kindly when she poked her head into the room before opening the door fully. Shikamaru was still lying in the same position when Neji left as he looked over at her, Hinata instantly forming a very possible explanation for Neji's panic:

Shikamaru's eyes.

"Hi," Shikamaru greeted in return, pieces of short brown hair falling into his eyes.

Neji told her that they had a new spark of light in them, but now she can very obviously see that that spark is gone. She also remembered him telling her months ago, during a conversation where Neji had softened up quite a bit, that it hurt him terribly to see Shikamaru in so much pain. Neji had told her that if he could take away every ounce of pain that was gripping Shikamaru, then he would do it without hesitation.

Seeing the new spark of light in Shikamaru's eyes suddenly not there anymore most likely made Neji panic because he probably saw it as…Shikamaru being taken over by the pain that he can't take away.

That makes sense…she'll explain that to Neji later on; however, her eyes landed on the small notebook that Neji had mentioned earlier. She walked over to him and placed a puzzle book that she picked up in the hallway on his nightstand.

"I thought that you'd like to get back into these." She said, smiling lightly, which Shikamaru returned with a small chuckle.

"Thanks, I should keep my brain busy somehow." A few moments of silence passed.

"What are you working on?" Hinata asked casually, but also with a sense of caution. Shikamaru looked confused as he pushed himself into a sitting position, grabbed the puzzle book off the nightstand, and the pencil on top of his notebook.

"What do you mean?" Hinata noticed the weak tone in his small voice as she nodded towards the small notebook next to him.

Shikamaru turned to look at what she nodded at and paused, thinking. She waited patiently, knowing that Shikamaru would need a little bit of time to make his next move. After a few minutes of silence, Hinata thought that Shikamaru wouldn't answer her, but then felt her heart skip a beat when she saw Shikamaru reach for the notebook and pick it up, glancing over his handwriting. Hinata eyed him carefully, looking at his choppy hair that now brushed his prominent cheekbones and fell into his eyes.

"I've heard," Shikamaru started softly after a few minutes of silence. "That writing is very helpful…for people who experience what I am." He said the last part quietly, causing Hinata to almost miss his words. She sat down carefully on the bed near his knees.

"That's right, writing is very helpful for everyone, but especially for people who are in recovery." Her heart stopped when Shikamaru placed the small notebook on her leg. She watched him as he twirled his pencil between his thin fingers, looking down at the puzzle on his lap.

He's letting me read it….

She adjusted the notebook on her leg and looked over the small, neat, slanted handwriting that was looking back up at her. She glanced back at Shikamaru, who was still looking at his puzzle, before looking back at his handwriting.

My Heart Is Broken

I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you.

Hinata automatically knew that Shikamaru was talking about his mother.

I pulled away to face the pain.
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you.

She felt her eyes and heart soften. Shikamaru was talking about the beginning process of dealing with his mother's death. She was slightly confused by the first line. She knew that Shikamaru did everything he could to avoid thinking about his mother, but he didn't do that to confront the pain; he did that so he wouldn't have to deal with it. It was the second, third, and fourth lines that struck her the most. She bit her lip and continued.

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my Dark Angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart).

She rubbed her eyes and held her face. "Sweet sleep, my Dark Angel." It was a sweet way to phrase his mother's suicide. To Hinata, this stanza told her how Shikamaru understood that he must talk about his mother in order to healthily cope with her death. Her eyebrow quirked at the use of third person.

I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you

She released a smell yelp of happiness when she read the first line. Shikamaru mentions a fear that he has talked about in relation to his mother. He's mentioned the fear of changing, but not the fear of actually getting better. The way he talks about this fear, it could have multiple meanings. The last line reminded her of when Shikamaru felt like he died as well when his mother died. It seemed as though Shikamaru was saying that he truly didn't want to live his self-destructive lifestyle anymore. Hinata's hopeful smile grew.

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my Dark Angel
Deliver us

Shikamaru's dark angel is his mother, but two things were bothering her. Why was she a "dark" angel when he's said that she was bright? And why was he using third person again?

Change
Open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye

Hinata's eyes widened at the word "goodbye," but now she was confused as to why Shikamaru said "your." He's saying that he's been denying the light for so long and that he needs to say goodbye…maybe. She couldn't quite make out if he was saying goodbye or if he's saying someone else should say goodbye…he's probably telling the "your" person to say goodbye…she didn't quite understand. She continued on.

My heart is broken
Release me
I can't hold on

Hinata's brow furrowed. Did he mean that his mother has such a paralyzing grip on him and he's telling her to release him from it? And is he saying that he can't hold on to her anymore? It seemed like he wants his mother's death to let go of him and that he doesn't want to hold on to it anymore. He wants the pain to let go of him and he wants to let go of the pain.

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my Dark Angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold [1]

Her eyes focused in on "us" again, not understanding why Shikamaru is using third person. She closed the notebook quietly and tapped her fingertips against the leather. Shikamaru continued to work through the puzzle next to her in silence. Over the course of a few months, she felt like this was probably the biggest breakthrough. Hinata felt a barrage of emotions bombard her as she gently closed the notebook and turned to look back at Shikamaru, who was about halfway through solving a puzzle. She smiled thoughtfully as his words burned into her brain.

"This is amazing, Shikamaru." She said softly, making Shikamaru stop his pencil in midair before writing.

He slowly looked up at her, his eyes hiding behind a few pieces of short dark hair. She saw the swirl of caution and analysis in his dull eyes as he continued to stare at her. She's never seen the amount of intensity in anyone's eyes before as she did her best to not break eye contact. Finally, Shikamaru looked back at his puzzle.

"Thank you." Hinata hesitated as she placed the notebook on his nightstand and stood slowly, looking back down at him.

"Thank you for sharing that with me, Shikamaru." He paused from his puzzle again and began to tap his pencil lightly against his puzzle book, thinking. Hinata remained quiet, wondering what Shikamaru was thinking about. He stopped tapping and turned towards the notebook on the nightstand. Slowly, he reached for it, picked it up, and held it out to her.

"He can read it too if he wants." Shikamaru said quietly, shocking Hinata. She did her best to keep the smile from her face as she carefully took the notebook from him, holding it securely between her hands.

"I-I-I'm sure N-N-Neji will thank you too for s-s-sharing this, Shikamaru." He raised an eyebrow at her stutter that has not been present in months.

He didn't say anything as he looked back down at his puzzle, giving Hinata the signal to leave.

NejiXShikamaru

Alright Gang,

"My Heart is Broken" -Evanescence

As always, reviews/PMs would be appreciated.

When-Rabbit-Howls