Chapter 11

Jane spent the next few days in and out of Lucius room in a way she had never been before. There had always been such clear boundaries between them ever since she had been a young girl. Yet, he had never needed such help before. Physically, she had never seen him in such a state.

As she entered with his lunch, she heard a growl of frustration.

"What is it now?" she asked knowingly. Looking over at him, she saw he had a piece of parchment and a quill in front of him. He squinted through his black eye as he looked at her.

"I am trying to write to Draco but I can't keep my hand steady enough. If I do not get a letter up to the school soon, then he is going to think something has happened and I can't have that," he muttered to her. "But I can't send a letter at the moment without him thinking I have hit the bottle once more."

"I can write it for you if you would like," she said to him. It was not often she doubled as a sectary for him. In fact, he did not think she ever had. He had Stephanie at work and he was used to dictating to her. But not to Jane.

She set the tray down on his bed side table.

"He is still going to know that all is not well if you do write for me though," he said. Even then he wished he was able to protect his young son better than he could. He knew in the past he had been guilty of perhaps shielding him too much along with a variety of other crimes. But that did not mean he could stop himself from doing it.

"Why don't you just leave it for one more day? I can write to him tonight so he gets it in the morning – I'll make sure he thinks all is well here," she said though her voice trailed off. Out of all of them, he knew she found it the hardest to lie to Draco.

But if she had too, then he knew she would. She would go to any lengths she had too. She was under no pretence over what sort of situation they were in. How could she be after the night before?

She knew they were seriously in trouble. And he knew she was going to play her part. Not as well as his wife had played hers when she had had too, but Jane was a Slytherin. He thought it was easy to forget at times but she was.

She had ambition in her – modest ambition but it was there.

He had no choice really, and so he set aside the parchment. He just wanted his writing to be more like his own, so that if Draco saw it, his mind would not wonder to the time when he had been drinking. He would not touch another bottle. Not now.

"He is going to be fine. Besides you know what they are all like, they will be in far too much trouble already to even remember that they have fathers worrying over them at home," said Jane comfortingly and knowingly.

"And – and mother figures, Jane."

She shook her head. He was just trying to be kind to her she knew but it was not fair of him – not when he knew how much she did want to be a mother. Her eyes wondered to his bed side table where two pictures sat. One of Draco. One of Narcissa.

"It is a dream Lucius for a perfect world. It cannot be," she said as she turned her eyes on him and reached out for his hand which he gave her. "We are in up to our necks – we both know it. If we begun something now and it did not work then we both know Draco would never forgive us."

And I could never love you as I wish to love and be loved.

There was no point ignoring it any more – that was why she had bit the bullet.

He nodded. That was the truth. As much as he had been the catalyst of their feelings, he did not think his son would ever forgive him if something went wrong and Jane had to leave. He had not thought that far ahead.

And he did not want to be without her. He did not think he would know how to be. He had thought the day when he had lost his wife that he was never going to have anyone to keep him in line. And then Jane had happened.

She had come quietly into his life... she had stayed when a million others would have left. She had returned after elaving because his son had asked her too – because he couldn't cope with fatherhood on his own.

That was what it boiled down too.

She had never been his type. She was the anti Narcissa, in his mind. That was why she had been so perfect to be Draco's governess. There was no way he would ever think of her in another way but professionally...

Until then.

She was not that clever, wasn't pretty and was not thin. But – her heart; that was what made him ponder her, ponder if he could find it within himself to love her as a woman. She had a heart as big as a house and it was made a solid gold. Her blood was as pure as water and her common sense was near unmatched.

And Draco loved her; that was another big plus.

For the first time since he had been teenager he got the feeling... he had been dumped. It was that kicked in the stomach feeling that kids got when...

Not that he was going to show any of that.

Taking her hand, he squeezed it. "I know your right. It was just... a lovely idea that we could..."

After she had given so much of her life up to him... to the care of his son. He turned to the door, and just for a single moment he allowed himself to indulge. A blonde haired daughter with Jane's eyes.

A very nice dream indeed... If only they were at peace then he knew in his heart he might just find the courage to love once more. But he needed all his courage to be a spy. Something which did not come naturally to him.

"But I think we let that ship sail a long time ago didn't we?"

"If it ever docked."

He nodded. "You're right – I need you too much to risk you going."

"So friends?"

He nodded, though he did not know if he truly believed what he was saying. "Friends."

XXX

"This is – oh, Draco!"

The chilly September day had got off to a brilliant start for the bushy haired Gryffindor girl. Hermione Granger was officially fourteen.

She had so far got quite a few presents. Clothes from her parents, chocolate from Harry and Ron as well as some inedible cakes from Hagrid. But she did not think there were going to be many gifts to rival the young Malfoy's. Not only had he got her a variety of books to help her with Astronomy as well as Ancient Runes, but he had –

"A first edition of Pride and Prejudice?"

"I remembered you talking about it last year. You said it was your favourite and when I saw it I could not resist."

She shook her head. She still didn't believe it.

It was among the most thoughtful gifts she had ever got she was sure of it - and she was not so surprised by its source. Apart from when he had been under the influence of Tom Riddle's diary in his second year, Draco had always tried to be there for her.

He was very kind and easy to talk to.

"This is the best birthday present I have ever received. I don't know how to begin thanking you."

"I'm glad you like it," he said to her gently, blushing. "But we have to get to class now."

He had given it to her on the way down to Care of Magical Creatures on account of not seeing her that morning – he had over slept, used to lying in bed till late during the holidays. But he had made up for that it seemed.

The class was alright – it was never brilliant, he didn't find. As much as Draco got on with Hagrid, he did not think he was a great teacher. Still he gave them the basics and it was a fairly easy class to pass.

Before Draco knew it the weeks were passing by as they always did. Hogwarts weeks went by quickly. Between four classes a day, meals and hanging out with friends, he did not get a lot of free time. That was what he missed about the holidays. The chance to just hang out and do nothing.

Letters from his father and Jane as ever came regularly from home so he knew what was going on at the manor, though he did notice that the was a break in them just at the beginning of term which was most unlike his father who was usually a very reliable correspondent. He had worried for a moment...

But then he had picked it back up.

The only thing he did hate was that his father could not tell him much about his work for Dumbledore. His father was not going to put it down into writing in case it feel into the wrong hands. But still... To him, in some ways, it felt as if this war the adults in his life clearly felt was coming had already begun.

September gave way to October before he could really even register it and the leaves begun to fall off the trees. Rather than walking round the grounds in just his uniform and clock, he wore his scarf as well as the nights drew in.

Halloween was edging ever closer. Soon, Hogwarts was to play host to the students of Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. It was a very exciting time for all.

"So what do you think they are going to be like?" Michael asked as they sat in the back of the Defence Against the Dark Arts class room. To Draco's delight, the Ravenclaw's had been partnered with the students of Gryffindor house that year.

"Who?" Draco asked from where he sat next to Hermione, Harry and Ron in front of the two of them.

"The French girls."

Draco felt shrugged. He could not speak for the other lads but he had not thought a lot about them. Beside him, he felt Hermione stiffen.

"Pretty I suppose," he guessed before he got his books out of his bag. The girls in France were always pretty, but then he had never really looked. He had only just really begun noticing...

Hermione twitched at his side.

"Are you ok?"

She nodded, but didn't answer.

"I suppose the lads are going to be alright looking as well," he tried to amend for his former comment. She wasn't offended was she?

He hated the way Hermione did not often say was she was feeling, but left him guessing. Yet, he always knew when she was wound up. It wasn't very hard to work out. The only thing he could not gage was what she was worked up from...

She sniggered as he turned back to the front of the room to see Michael grinning manically at him.

"I didn't mean it like that!"

"Of course, you didn't!"

"Just out of curiously Draco, how did you mean it then?" Ron questioned at his side wearing a grin as if it was Christmas morning.

Draco was relieved when the professor walked in at that moment. It was a testament to how embarrassed he was that he was glad to see him. He wasn't normally. Moody was an odd sort of fellow, looks and other wise. In truth, meeting Professor Moody had only made Draco wish more and more that Severus had kept his mouth shut and Professor Lupin was still there.

So far that year they had looked at curses he was not sure that were entirely appropriate for wizards of their age; the Unforgivable's. So far they had looked at both the Imperio and the Cruciatus, a class which every one noticed Neville had had a pretty hard time with…

He knew how that was... to have a hard time with a Defence class.

"We are going to be looking at Boggarts today," Professor Lupin had told them when they had arrived for class.

Draco, in spite of his magical upbringing, had never before encountered a Boggart. It was only after the class when he had spoken with his father that he had realised that Lucius had, throughout his childhood, made sure that the Malfoy house elves had made through and continuous checks of the manor for Boggarts in case he was to come across one.

Especially after everything...

"Does anyone know what a Boggart is? What shape it takes?" the werewolf had asked his students.

"No one can say what shape a Boggart has as it is a shape shifter," Hermione had explained. It was as if she took every class before the rest of them, Draco had remembered thinking. "It takes the particular shape of whatever the person fears the most."

At the time, Draco should have latched on to the fact this was probably not the best class for him to push himself forward in and he should have hung back, but after they had all practised the charm, (Riddikulus!) and begun to try to defeat the Boggart, it had not seems so bad.

He had seen Ron defeat his when he had put shoes on the spider.He had seen his uncle Severus wear the clothes of Neville Longbottom's grandmother. He had seen Parvati turn the snake into a jack in the box. It had looked easy.

Things had been going well. That was when he had been come to the front of the queue and it had been his own turn to face the Boggart.

Instantly, the Boggart had split itself in two and on the floor was the cold body of Lucius Malfoy, his proud features frozen. The pride and the dignity of their house had remained on his face in death as it had in life. And yet the minute he had seen the dead body, Draco felt his heart seize up. He had only just got his father back after the year of separation they had spent...

It had confused him and transported him into another world if only for a moment. He had forgotten that he was meant to be fighting a Boggart. And up to that point he had been having a lot of fun in class...

That was when he had had to look up at the other half of the Bogart. Maria Pilak stood over him.

"No one will save you this time," he had been told. Yet, when he had gathered himself together and dressed Maria in a clowns outfit, she was no longer a problem.

He guessed he truly he had got over her fear of her that day; she was not going to return. And he was a lot older and wiser then. He knew he was secure in the love of his elders. Nothing would ever happen to make his family cast him out and there was not a person in the world that could convince him other else.

Not anymore.

The truth was he had not had to put her in a clown suit to make her funny to him. Now he could see her for what she had been, she on her own just a joke. As if anyone could come into his family and take it away from him. Had she known nothing?

Try as he may though, there was no way he could make the dead body of his father funny. There was nothing that sprung to his mind which would give him the power to beat the Dementor. It was only the fact that his uncle had walked into the staff room at that moment that had meant he had not broken down in front of his class mates.

He wondered if that had been part of the reason that his uncle had been so against Lupin – or if it had at least compounded the situation. He knew the entire Maria chapter was one his family wanted to put behind them. He knew he did.

It was a wonder after what had gone on that he himself had remained so fond of the previous years Defence teacher but he had. Whatever else Lupin did and no matter how unconventional his lessons were at times, whenever he had come out of the class room, Draco felt as if he knew something he had not when he had gone into it.

The mark of a good teacher, surely?

The current year was not unlike the previous in that regard. Moody certainly taught. But at least Lupin had seemed to understand where the line lay. He did not get the feeling that Moody did.

And he definitely didn't after that class.

It had only been a spider. But its life had been worth something. And Draco did not think he was ever going to forget that life being snuffed out.

XXX

"Did you hear what we did in Defence class today?"

Draco had not wanted to go running to Severus. He knew the other kids were not going to have an adult who they were really going to be able to talk to about what they had just seen. But he had learnt a long time ago it did him no good if he just kept things bottles up.

In fact, it just made thing a lot worse.

Severus had been marking when he had heard the knock at the door and then the question. Draco had not waited to be told to come in.

He nodded. He had indeed heard what Moody had thought it was appropriate to teach the fourth years and he was going to be having words with the headmaster about it later over dinner. Part of him knew if his nephew had not been in the class, then he would not have been so bothered about it all.

But Draco had been there. And it was all far too close to home.

"I am afraid that I did but I did so too late. It can't have been pleasant for any of you."

Draco paused thoughtfully.

"I think it was interesting – but no, it was not pleasant. Not pleasant in the least." He said. "To see how one spell can just take away life like that."

"You should not dwell on it."

"But how can I not? When I know what dad is doing?"

"Draco, I know you love him – you love him as much as he loves you but your father is a grown man and he knows what he is doing."

There was nothing more to it. He had to accept it.

"But to the Dark Lord – when he finds out what dad has done – his life is going to mean nothing more to him than that spider's did to Professor Moody."

"If Draco – if. And I swear to you, no matter what... I will be with your father and I will try to aid him in his task. You must trust in us as you once did, child."

But that was a lot easy to say than to do... for he was not a child any more.

"I don't want there to be a war."

"That is not under any of our control. All any of us can do is prepare for it as best we can."

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