Here's another chapter! Enjoy! :D

Chapter VII: Let Us Crack and Bleed.

To Dean, finding out where he stood in Castiel's mind was definitely the most important thing that happened all year.

Many people would disagree with all, there was the sacking of Dumbledore, then the fight at the Ministry in the Department of Mysteries with Harry, Hermione, Ron and a few other members of the DA against Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange.

There was the Fred and George Weasley ditching out on school before sitting their NEWTs - something Dean knew was coming as they always talked about opening a joke shop. After lighting the Great Hall up with unstoppable fireworks, they disappeared from Hogwarts on their brooms, with the sound of the student's cheers following them.

There was also the boring matter of the Fifth Years sitting their OWLs, the Sixth Years sitting their end of term exams and the Seventh Years sitting their NEWTs, but that wasn't that special either. Not to Dean, because Dean didn't really care about all of that.

Dumbledore was back as Headmaster, the Minister finally admitted to Voldemort being back, Dean's certain he passed his exams with flying colours, and even though he's still pissed that he missed the chance to fight because him and Cas were in the Room of Requirements relaxing, he still doesn't care about it.

So yeah, none of it matters, because right now, he knows that he means something to Cas and Cas means something to him. He never really believed it before, after all, Dean had a warped image of Cas. He only saw him as the Hufflepuff Prefect… right up until Cas told him Dean meant more to him than his Prefect duties.

After that, Dean's starting to believe it, because you've got to care about someone if you're willing to get into a lot of trouble and lose your Prefect badge for them, right?

Right.

So maybe that's why he grabs onto Cas' sleeve just before they run through the wall to get to the other side of the train station, waving Sammy on ahead because what he's about to say will just provide too much fuel for Sam's blackmail.

Cas turns to him with a furrowed brow, 'Dean?'

'You're gonna write, right?'

A glint appears in Cas' eyes, 'I'm going right right? Right right what? Is this instructions on how to get out of the train station, because I believe it's left right.'

Dean playfully shoves his shoulder which causes Cas to let out a short bark of laughter, the corner of his eyes crinkling as he does so.

'Don't be a dick, man.' Dean murmurs, reaching up to rub the back of his neck as the laughter dies down and he's struck by how embarrassing this actually is. Cas is is friend, it shouldn't be so freaking weird to ask him to keep in touch. So, why does it feel like his heart is going to leap out of his chest? Oh, that's right, he's expecting Cas to turn around and say no.

Despite the fact Cas explicitly said he'd follow Dean to hell - something Dean still can't get over - he still expects Cas to walk away from him and not look back. That's what most people do, after all. It's what his dad did.

'Well, Dean, I will write,' Cas replies and Dean lets out the breath that he didn't even know he was holding, before Cas continues, 'But, I don't have your address.'

Dean blushes the second the words leave Castiel's mouth; pink decorating his cheeks and highlighting all the freckles on his face which Cas smirks at, but doesn't comment on.

'Uh, right, well Sammy and me are staying at my Uncle Bobby's, so as least that'll be constant. Charlie got so pissed with how much we would travel that she stopped writing. By the time the owl got to the motel, we had moved on.' Dean explains, as he digs into his backpack for a spare piece of paper and after digging out a pen - he likes keeping them around, quills are too complicated for moments like this - he writes Bobby's address on it.

When he looks back to Cas to hand him the piece of parchment, he finally notices the expression on Cas' face and he falters, his hand with the parchment that's extended between them falls slightly before Cas catches it and pulls the parchment free from Dean's grasp.

'What? Did you change your mind?' Dean questions, even though Cas is now pocketing the address and when he's asked the question, Cas raises his blue eyes to Dean's green one and shakes his head.

'What have I told you about your view on yourself, Dean?' Cas murmurs. 'It's just… you never told me you and your dad used to move about; used to stay in motels all the time. That couldn't have been easy.'

Dean shrugs, once again being floored by the fact that Cas is his best friend and he's yet to tell him anything extremely personal about himself. But then again, the only person that knows nearly everything about Dean is Sam, and Sam is his brother and shared the life, so he automatically knows. Not to mention, how is he supposed to tell Cas things that only his blood knows?

Family don't end with blood, boy.

Bobby's voice comes hissing into his mind and he sighs, because he knows that; knows that blood cells don't dictate who's family and who's not. After all, John is nothing but a dick, but Bobby, nothing more than a friend of his father, is more a dad to Dean and Sam than John ever has been; than John ever could be.

'I guess I'm used to it.' Dean opts for instead. Right now was definitely not the best time to be discussing this sort of all, Bobby is probably waiting on the other side of the wall, wondering where the hell he is, and if he waits anymore, he's going to get a short clip around his ear and a word or two in punctuality.

'Anyway, we better get a move on, everyone will be waiting on us.'

Cas nods his head in agreement and readjusts his grip on his trunk before they take a run at the wall and head through to the platform of the "normal" train station.

They stand for a moment or two, scanning the crowds for their families, when Cas nudges Dean's ribs with his elbow.

'My family's here. I'll see you in September, Dean.' Cas smiles warmly at Dean, before he turns and walks away to a crowd of four children, ranging in ages and heights, who stand beside a tall woman, her brown hair pulled into a perfectly tight bun, matching the perfect grey suit she wears. Her face is completely neutral as Cas walks towards them, and Dean frowns, because parent's are supposed to be happy about seeing their child again? Shouldn't she be smiling wide and opening her arms, ready to pull hi into an embrace?

Hell, it's saying something if even John was happy to see Dean and Sam at the end of term for the Summer Holidays.

Casisn't that too far away from Dean, so, after taking a deep breath and trying not to think that this is a bad idea, he calls, 'Don't forget to write, Cas!'

Cas' head whips around to look at him, his face pulled into an expression Dean has never saw on his face before; guilt and fright, but the second his eyes land on Dean, his lips pull into a wide smile and his eyes light up just that little bit. He raises his hand and gives a small wave, an act that shows Dean that he's heard him and that he promises not to forget.

He turns back to his family, then, and it occurs to Dean that they're all staring at him, and okay, yep, definitely not Dean's greatest idea.

He raises his hand in a meek wave to what he can only assume is Cas' mother, the four boys - though really three of them are men already - and the small girl with red hair who are all studying him with expressions ranging from curiosity to distaste.

Though, if he's honest, there's only one curious face amongst the sea of distaste, and that's the face of the young girl with the bright red hair. He tries to not let it bother him, because he doesn't forget the way Cas' face lit up when he called him, but he can't help but wonder what the hell is up with the family.

Dean clears his throat awkwardly, turning his back on Cas and his family before he starts to scan the room for his own. It only takes a minute when he spots Bobby who stands with Ellen, Jo, Ash and Sammy, and when they spot him, they wave him over.

Dean walks over to them, greeting Bobby with an apology about how late he was, before enveloping Ellen in a tight hug, and after Bobby's ruffles his hair in reply to his apology, they all turn and head towards the exit.

And despite telling himself not to, Dean turns and looks over his shoulder to the spot Cas and his family was standing, only to find them gone and even though he tells himself it doesn't bother him that Cas is actually gone, it really kind of does.

~oOoOoOoOoOo~

Cas' first letter comes two days after they said their goodbyes at the train station, and Dean kinda, sorta met his family.

It's nothing special really, just talking about how boring being home is and that he's already started counting the days until he's back to Hogwarts. He asks Dean how his holidays are so far, and Dean teases him saying that there isn't much to report about seeing as it's only the second day, and unless he called unpacking an exciting holiday activity, Dean has been doing nothing.

There's a little hesitance about the letter, Dean can sense it with the way Cas words it; with the topics Cas choses to talk about. But Dean understands that; letters are different from in-face conversations. He knows that after a few more letters back and forth, things will eventually settle and they'll find their tone again - just like him and Charlie did.

And they do.

It also turns out that not being in front of Dean makes it easier for Cas to let slip about his personal life. It's nothing major; Dean still hasn't got a clue what's wrong exactly, he just knows that something is wrong.

It's in the way Cas always talks about how he just wants to get out; whether it's Hogwarts or moving out to his own flat after school is finished next year. It's in the way he says he's sick of being obedient; of having standards that he's never going to meet and only being made to feel like a failure when he doesn't - and that's definitely something Dean can relate with, and he tells him as much.

His letters come regular as clockwork; every second day Dean wakes up to an owl pecking his window, having flown all night seeing as Bobby lives out in the country in the middle of nowhere, and Cas lives in the busiest part of London.

So, maybe that's why Dean feels like he's going to be sick when a whole week passes and he has yet to receive a letter from Cas.

He sends them, near enough everyday, just to see if Cas will reply. But he doesn't.

When he finally replies,the first thing he does is apologise and says that his family went away to his uncle's and he couldn't get to a owl because of course, his uncle is a Muggle.

Dean says he understands and they go back to normal and the rising anxiety bubbling under Dean's skin that whole week slowly simmers down until he forgets all about it, and almost laughs at himself for being so stupid and quick to jump to conclusions.

Then again, Dean should've known the universe doesn't like him feeling relaxed and safe; should've known it likes screwing him over more ways that he can count.

The letters start to become sparse once again; instead of coming every second day, he's lucky if they come every second week. He checks the Muggle mail that Bobby receives, just incase he had to resort to using Muggle mail if he had to go to another relative's house, but there's nothing. Not one little letter.

The anxiety starts to rise again, consuming him in flames until he finds himself sitting out on Bobby's porch, his head turned up to the sky, looking for any sign of an owl. It holds him still, making him wait outside as the temperature drops and his teeth start chattering, and the sky turns so dark that he couldn't even see an owl if he wanted to.

He only comes inside because Ellen wraps her arms around his shoulder and promises to bake him pie to make him feel better. Not to mention, the coldness and his hunger was really starting to eat away at him.

Fear, panic, guilt, worry, loneliness; they all claw at Dean from the inside, tearing him apart and leaving him with nothing but emptiness.

And by the time August comes, Castiel's letters have all but stopped.

He doesn't know what to feel when he realises that, just like with his promise to write, Castiel has failed to follow through on his side of another promise, because Dean's in hell and Cas didn't follow him like he said he would.

~oOoOoOoOoOo~

Dean's heart is pounding in his chest as he walks through the train station. His hands are sweaty and he keeps having to lift them from the bar on his trolley to wipe them on his jeans. He hasn't been this nervous about going to Hogwarts since he was eleven-years-old and his dad was walking him through the train station, talking about how brave Mary was because she was a Gryffindor, and that Dean's got to do her proud.

He knows that the reason he was nervous then, and the reason he's nervous now is completely different. He was nervous about going to a new school, with people he has never met and leaving Sammy all alone with John.

Surprisingly, he also knows the reason he's nervous now. It's surprising because most of the time, when he gets nervous, he has no idea what the feeling was for, but now, he knows exactly why his heart is trying to break free; why he's sweating; why his legs are threatening to give way.

Cas.

He hasn't heard a word from him since the last letter he sent, which was in the middle of July.

He knows that Cas is having trouble at home, he let it slip time and time again that his home life wasn't the best place, and Dean started to realise that his life was maybe just as fucked up as Dean's, but then, just as he was getting up the courage to ask what was wrong exactly with his home, Cas stopped writing. And Dean was left with nothing. No best friend to talk to; no-one to try and tell what's wrong.

Emptiness and rejection and worry ate away at him all summer until he was left with nothing.

Now, here he is, ready to board the train to Hogwarts once more, and he doesn't even know if Cas will be here.

Hell, he doesn't even know if Cas is alive. That bastard Voldemort and his fucking followers the Death Eaters could've targeted Cas and his family because he was a Muggle-born. Dean has no idea!

Then he tells himself not to be stupid because something would've come up in the Daily Prophet! They couldn't just let a full massacre go unprinted.

But then that means Cas just stopped writing him. For no reason. Maybe he just got tired of Dean and decided to cut him out of his life. He should've known it was coming; everyone does it with him eventually; everyone gets tired of him and his inability to open up and trust.

Lisa did; Victor, his old friend, did; his Dad did; hell, even Jo is touch and go with how she feels abouthim.

'Where you going, boy?' Bobby's voice pulls him from his thoughts and he stops straight away, turning back to look at Bobby, Ellen, Sam and the others, who are looking at him with confusion and concern.

He then looks at the wall they're standing by and recognition floods his mind.

He walked pass the wall that he's supposed to run through; he was so lost in his head, he nearly missed the exit.

'Sorry, sir.' Dean mumbles as he turns his cart and walks back to stand by them, not even realising what he'd said until Bobby is talking again.

'Don't call me "sir", son.' Bobby chides. 'I'm not your old man. It's Bobby or it's nothing.'

Dean does nothing but bow his head, unable to hide the voice in his head screaming at him "you're a screwup". It won't be long before Bobby decides he's not worth the effort either and decides to send him packing.

He'll keep the good son; keep Sammy, because whilst Sammy can be hotheaded at least he's determined, and his so much potential.

'Right, go on, Dean.' Ellen's warm voice directs him and after giving her a tight hug, he sets off at a run, mildly hoping that it's the wrong one and he's about to run headfirst into a brick wall. That'd be nice. That's just what he wants.

The impact doesn't come, even though he's still unsure if he actually did want it, and he digs his heels into the ground in order to stop himself from crashing in to anyone.

He doesn't wait on the others coming through, knowing that they'll not really want to talk to him, not with the mood that he's in. Even though he's not necessarily in a mood, he realises, if anything he's actually lacking any real emotion.

He starts to walk, passing through the crowds of people, his head turning from side to side as he tries to find Castiel. It occurs to him, a moment later, that a year ago to this day was the first time he set eyes on Castiel. Sure, it was ages after it before they became friends - that wasn't until after the Christmas holidays - but it was a year ago today he finally set eyes on Cas and those startling blue eyes.

He wonders if he's ever going to see those eyes again.

But before Dean can worry himself any further, he sees a familiar head of messy black hair not that far away from him, and after sighing in relief, he shouts, 'Cas!'

Before they parted, Cas' head whipped wildly around to see Dean when he called to him in the train station, reminding him to write. It's a different reaction altogether, takes his timeand Dean sees his head fall ever-so-slightly, his shoulders stiffening as soon as he hears Dean's call, and Dean knows that posture; he's steeling himself; preparing himself mentally and physically… for what Dean doesn't know, but that's definitely the posture he wears.

Then he turns, slowly, hesitantly. His shoulders as still stiff, his head raised high and when he finally turns, it's Dean's turn to be shocked.

The eyes that Dean constantly finds himself thinking about are closed off; there's still a hint of wariness about them, as if he's not quite sure what Dean's going to do or say to him. But they're definitely closed off. There's bags under them as well; big dark circles and Dean can't help but wonder how many nights it's been since Cas last had a decent night sleep, or hell, a night's sleep at all.

His black hair is flat, no longer sticking up every which way with its perpetual bed hair, and Dean notices that it's not because it's been styled to be lying flat, but Cas' hair hasn't been washed; so heavy with grease that it doesn't have the ability to be fluffy and messily stand up on its ends.

His plump lips are dry and cracked; his clothes are dishevelled and haven't been ironed; there's several cuts on his face and Dean can see the ends of a dirty bruise just under the collar of his shirt.

'Cas?' Dean murmurs, his voice barely a whisper as he stumbles closer to his friend.

'Dean,' Cas greets, a smile briefly flickering onto his lips, but it almost seems like too much effort and it falls off almost immediately.

When was the last time Cas had smiled? Did it hurt his cheeks to do it now? Dean wonders before he shakes his head and notices yet another cut on Cas' face; right on top of his right cheekbone; those high cheekbones.

Without even realising what he's doing, Dean raises his hand and cups Cas' cheek, rubbing his thumb over the cut on Cas' cheekbone. His friend hisses in return, obviously the cut still hurts and Dean immediately drops his hand, letting it fall like a dead weight back to his side once more.

'What's happened to you?'

It's the wrong question to ask, apparently, for Cas tenses up straight away. Dean doesn't see how the tension in his shoulders could get any tighter, but they do. He notices Cas' hands ball into fists, his eyes twitch as the narrow slightly, his jaw clenches, a muscle twitches. Dean gulps.

'What do you care?' Cas questions, his voice almost a sneer as he looks Dean up and down with those blue eyes. There's more emotion seeping through, but still not the kind Dean's used to seeing in his eyes; Cas' eyes are open, kind, warm. This… there's wariness now, anger… loathing, and Dean can't tell who it's directed at; whether it's for Dean or for Cas himself.

His mouth open and closes for a moment or two, unable to find a way to respond to that. It's not because he doesn't know what to say - you're my friend Cas; you're hurt and I want to make it better - but he's just caught so off guard by Cas actually asking that question, that he needs a moment to recover.

Unfortunately, Castiel isn't about to give Dean a moment to recover; not replying quick enough for his liking, Cas scoffs, shaking his head. He should've known. He's always like this; give, give, give and getting fucking nothing in return.

Not even from the one person he thought he would.

'I should go. I've got Prefect duties to do.' Cas declares and before Dean can say anything at all, whether it's "stop" or "I thought I was more important than being a Prefect" or "Cas, don't leave; I need you", he's turned on his heel and walked away, his head bowed and his shoulders still tense.

'Cas.' Dean whispers, though it still sounds like a scream to his ears, and Cas, not stopping; not even glancing back towards Dean as he boards the train, doesn't dull the sound.

~oOoOoOoOoOo~

Dean doesn't get a chance to talk to Cas on the train ride. He sees him walk past his compartment, and Dean's out of his seat the second he sees the familiar, yet unfamiliar, features. But then Cas turns to him, narrows his eyes in a glare and Dean swallows deeply and slowly sits back down as Cas turns away from him and walks past his compartment without another glance.

Cas is nowhere to be found as Dean, Jo, Ash and Charlie make their way to a carriage, and instead, he just climbs on to one with his friends, ignoring their questioning gazes. He keeps his head bowed, because he knows Cas will already be at the castle by now.

This is confirmed when they finally get inside the Great Hall, dressed in their robes and after saying goodbye to Charlie as she moves over to the Ravenclaw table with a promise to look out for Sammy once again, Dean, Jo and Ash make their way to the Gryffindor table.

Dean eyes flicker over to the Hufflepuff table and his eyes land on Castiel, who's sitting besides Balthazar, who also looks a little lost, but probably only because Cas has his back to him as well, his eyes firmly set to the front of the room. There's no-one there; even Dumbledore is still in his seat, talking to Professor McGonagall, but Cas still stares at the front, just waiting for the Sorting to start.

Dean's heart drops and he swallows hard as he sits down beside Jo, and just as he's about to tear his eyes away from Cas, his eyes catch those of Balthazar' hardly talks to the Hufflepuff, mainly because any time he even tries to talk to him, it always ends in one of them calling the other a dick - usually Dean calling Balthazar a dick, if he's totally honest. It never sits well with Cas - having his two closest friends fighting all the time - so he alway tries to keep them apart. Neither of them complain about that.

But now, here he was, his eyes locking with Dean's, raising a blond eyebrow at him before he nods his head to Cas' back. Dean swallows hard before he shrugs his shoulders at Balthazar.

Even though they're a table apart, Dean can see his jaw lock before he digs into his bag. He looks at Cas to make sure he's still got his eyes on the front of the Hall - which he does - before he writes something on a piece of parchment. He pulls out his wand and casts a spell on it so it shoots up in the air and after a few flutters, it lands in front of Dean.

With a frown, Dean picks the piece of parchment up, briefly looking to the front where Dumbledore stands, starting to it's not that important and will probably be the usual dribble - don't do this, don't do that - he unfolds the parchment and starts to read:

What the hell is wrong with Cassie? What did you do to him, Winchester?

Dean raises his head to find Balthazar staring at him with his eyebrow still raised. His frown distorts into one of anger a he digs into his bag and pulls out a pen. Trying to hold back his anger, he writes his reply "Nothing. Why don't you ask your precious Cassie what's wrong; that's all I've tried to do", before he sends it back over to Balthazar, landing on the table in front of him with a soft flutter.

Dean's almost positive Cas notices, sees the parchment fly across the room and land in front of Balthazar, his blue eyes briefly flickering to Dean, but he the moment is so fleeting he's not sure if it actually happened, or was just a trick of light.

Balthazar picks up the note before he reads it, his eyes narrowing at Dean in warning as soon as he's finished. He writes something else on the parchment, and Dean finds himself clenching his jaw, just waiting to see what the hell this dick is going to say now. He doesn't need anymore guilt on his shoulders, and anyway, it was Cas that stopped writing him. It's not like Dean did anything to Cas to make him stop.

You and I will talk about this more, Winchester.

Dean reads it and looks back up to Balthazar, who has turned to the front for the first time since he started talking to Dean. Trying his hardest not to write back a reply that says pretty much "Bite me", Dean instead turns to the front and tries to let Dumbledore's speech drone out the drumming in his mind.

But he should've known it would never work.

Please review and let me know what you think! :D

~Charlotte.x