Disclaimer: SM owns these characters, and some of the content.

A/N: Thank you for the wonderful reviews! They really make me happy, and I appreciate them so much. I would like to say, as a warning, that this chapter is slightly heavy. Slightly. It was hard writing it, I had a lot of music playing for this one, mostly songs by Aqualung. They have recently inspired this story, and a lot of their songs relate so well to it. I am currently in love with their two songs "Strange and Beautiful" and "Pressure Suit" though I love them all. Those two really stand out right now and they are simply really good. Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and let me know what you think!

My Dark Angel

Chapter 6

Lost

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering." – Paulo Coelho

What the hell was that? I threw myself from my bed. It was Tuesday, 7:00 A.M.

What the hell?

I didn't dream of him. He wasn't there last night, and I wasn't in the meadow. What the hell is going on? I was literally freaking out; I was having a panic attack. What the hell! Why didn't I dream of the boy?! Why wasn't he in the damn meadow! What is going on? Every night I have met him for the past month. Every day I would anticipate going home so that I could sleep and see him. He was the highlight of my day and night, and he was not there.

I was losing my mind; my biggest fear was coming to life. He was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. But why? Why did he leave? Everything was so perfect! He was in my life now; he was there every time I closed my eyes. He was the very essence of my happiness. I felt like my insides were about to explode. They were turning and flipping, my heart was racing so frantically I thought I was going to explode.

It felt like a truck had ripped through my body and busted my heart. It was gone and I had a hole in my body that ached to be healed. He was gone. For God's sake he was really gone!?

"Why? Oh God why?" I yelled in my room, tears spiraling down my face. I crawled into a ball and began to cry. I was in hysterics. I felt horrible, the feelings of love and happiness had been burned inside of me. I was only left to feel anger and pain. Why would he do this to me? He made me so happy, why? I screamed into my pillow, letting everything out and feeling the pain overwhelm me. I fell in love with the boy; I fell in love with him for God's sake. Does that not mean anything? I was angry at the world. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I couldn't. I had to keep it all in, for Charlie and Renee. I couldn't let them know that their daughter was on the verge of insanity. I couldn't let them know that her heart had just been ripped out and shredded into a million pieces. I couldn't let them know that one of the only things she lived for had just disappeared from her life. They would worry too much and they wouldn't understand the pain that their precious daughter was in. They would never understand. No one would.

Maybe it was just this one time, I tried to tell myself. Maybe he'll be back tonight. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks. I buried my face in my pillow. It's ok Bella, it's ok. He hasn't left you. You'll see him tonight. Damn it girl you will see him tonight! My crying slowed down, but I still couldn't fully reassure myself. My entire body hoped that he would return, for the sake of my sanity he'd better return. I loved him, but apparently that didn't mean anything.

I forced myself to get up and prepare myself for school. My whole body protested; it wanted to stay in bed and crawl up in a ball all day. It yearned to wait for night time, to see if he'd come back to me. My God he better come back to me. I had never in my life felt so much pain; nothing I had ever experienced had felt this bad. I would choose falling down a cliff any day then have to live through this hurt. My body felt empty, there was a huge hole in my chest, and nothing could repair it, nothing but his return. It was my biggest fear, and it had come true, just like the meteor shower had come true.

This was complete torture; it was some kind of sick joke to mess with me like this. I've done bad things in my past, but nothing to have earned the pain I was now in. I wouldn't have wished this on even my worst of enemies, never in a million years. If I didn't still love Jacob, if I didn't care for my family or my friends, I would have killed myself. I would have given myself a few more days to be sure that my love was gone from my dreams, and if I was sure, then I'd leave the world like he left me. If I was alone in this world I would have done it. But I had family, I had Jacob, I couldn't cause them as much pain as I was currently in. It would be unfair to them. You're being dramatic, I tried to convince myself. Calm down crazy.

I finished getting ready and wiped my eyes, making sure I had no evidence of the tears that had showered from my face not too long ago. I got dressed for school then I walked down stairs and quickly ate a bowl of cereal before I left for school, trying to forget the pain and loss that surrounded my mind. Renee and Charlie were both gone already and I was alone; I could afford to let some emotion out again. I needed to let some emotion out again.

My eyes flowed with tears once more. Bella stop, get a grip on yourself. I tried to imagine the boy, but I couldn't even see him in my mind anymore. I didn't have a face to remember. He was completely gone from my memory. I could only remember the meadow, but nothing else. Pain shot through my body, I can't even remember him.

I never even got the chance to see his face.

I lost it, tears streamed faster than ever before down my cheeks. My body shook violently from the sobbing. I wanted to crawl into a hole and waste away, but I couldn't. I put my empty bowl into the sink and grabbed my belongings.

Trying to collect myself, I walked out of my house and slowly walked towards the truck. I turned on the engine and sullenly drove to school. I made sure before I entered the parking lot that every sign of my grief had disappeared. Jacob was not going to see me like this.

Was this how Romeo felt when he thought Juliet had died? Was this the feeling that drove Juliet to her grave when she saw that her Romeo had killed himself? I now fully understood why Romeo and Juliet did what they had done. I felt the same way, only I cared too much about the other people in my life to ever end my own. And to be honest, I would be too scared to do such a thing. Of course I would think about it, and desire death to take me out of my misery, but it would never come for me. And I would never force it to.

This wasn't the end of my life. I had a bright future ahead of myself; in any case I at least hoped that I had. I felt lost, like a sheep that had gone astray from its master and its herd. I was lost, but I was alright, at least, I had to try and convince myself that I was alright.

I entered the parking lot and saw Jacob waiting for me. I parked next to him and took in a deep breath. I tried to cover my face from any contradicting look, hoping I had succeeded.

I took a step out of the truck and saw Jacob's expression. His face stared at me with concern and understanding. Crap. He didn't say a word though. He just grabbed me and held me in his arms. He swayed back and forth, squeezing me to him, I couldn't help it; I lost it. I buried my face into his shoulder and began to cry.

"Shhh… its ok Bella, you're alright… shhh... Everything will be okay," He held me in his arms and didn't let go.

I only assumed that when he saw my expression and how disarrayed I was, he must have thought that I had had another nightmare, like the ones I used to have until recently. Last year, the day I jumped off the cliff and the day Harry died, I began to have the worst nightmares of my life. I would dream of every possible horror imaginable, Harry jumping off the cliff to his death, Jacob jumping, Renee, Charlie. It didn't matter who, every dream I would be in the same place, swimming in the water and watching them plummet to their horrid death. I couldn't do anything to save them; I was swimming against the current trying to save my own life in the process. Every dream ended the same too; I finally lost the battle with the ocean and gave in to my engrossing death, only minutes after watching the others fall to their same fate.

I would scream at night; for the next few months, Charlie and Renee would take turns coming into my room to calm me down. Nothing ever worked; I would still dream the terrible nightmares and see them as if they were actually happening. They were so vivid and realistic; I would scream bloody murder until I awoke from them. Charlie and Renee were desperate to stop them, it had come between our personal life as well. Jacob knew about them, he knew of the terrors that would haunt me, and he would try and stay with me some of the nights to help me sleep. Charlie and Renee had allowed it; they trusted Jake and they wanted to be able to sleep for once. They would do anything to rid me of the horrors. Jacob helped in a way, but even he couldn't keep the nightmares from returning.

I would wake up panting and screaming, and he would be there cradling me in his arms and trying to calm me down, telling me everything would be okay. I tried to believe him, but it was so hard to. Nothing could stop the dreams and every now and then they would come back. The last time I had a nightmare was about one month ago, the night before I started dreaming about the boy. Usually when I woke up, I would wake up early and not want to go back to sleep. I had nothing better to do in the morning, so I would go downstairs and cook a big breakfast for Charlie and Renee. They questioned it at first, but eventually they stopped and accepted it. They knew what was going on, and they didn't want to stop anything that was helping me cope with the nightmares.

Jake must have thought it was a nightmare; he would only have to see my face and know that that was the problem. I guess my face looked exactly how it did those terrible nights. I'm sure it was the same, only rare cases such as these could cause me to look so distorted and hurt.

He didn't question it, or ask me what was wrong. He just did the only thing he knew he could do, comfort me, hug me, and show me that he loved me. He just acted like Jacob, helping me, and keeping me company. I was unbelievably thankful that he didn't ask what was wrong anymore, because it wasn't a nightmare. It was the loss of the love of my life, the love of my life in my dreams. I couldn't imagine having to explain that one to him. It would be impossible, and it would only add more pain on top of the excruciating one I was already feeling.

Jacob grabbed my hand and kept an arm around me, walking me towards the building.

"Let's go Bella, we need to get to class," he said in a soothing voice as he kissed me on my forehead.

We headed to Lit, not paying attention to anyone around us, just focusing on getting to class.

The first two periods went by in a blur. I didn't talk to anyone, Jacob didn't ask questions, he didn't speak, he just held my hand. He didn't know how to act when I was like this, he didn't know what to say or do. I couldn't blame him, no one knew. Angela was worried, but she knew this face as well, remembering last year when I'd come to school disheveled and distant from everyone. The nightmares had taken over my life, they slowly left, and the fear and pain from them had faded. Only once in a while would I have them, they still scared the hell out of me, but I could handle it better. I wasn't so zombie like anymore, unless it was a really bad dream that night.

But this time it was different. This time I was hurt, not scared; this time I was in unbearable pain. The only similarity between the nightmares and this time was that they were both a dream, and that they both felt incredibly and unbelievably real. The difference was that I had lost something, it may have been a dream, but it was a part of me. It was a dream that I had wanted, that I had lived for, and now it was gone. Of course I felt like I had lost something when Charlie, or Jacob, or Renee would die in those terrible nightmares, but I knew they weren't really gone. I knew that when I'd wake up, they'd be there, waiting for me. In this situation though, the only way I could see this new love was by dreaming. And now that he had disappeared, I felt a loss bigger than any other. It felt like half of me had been taken away. It was for certain that this was the worst feeling I had ever known.

I didn't go to lunch today, instead I went to my truck and sat in there. I tried to collect myself and get a grip on my messed up life. Please Bella, stop acting like this. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop. I couldn't just turn off the hurt that I was feeling like a light switch, it didn't work that way. A huge part of me was missing; I couldn't just heal in a heartbeat and forget it ever happened. I was only human, and this kind of wound takes time, a lot of time to repair. If that is even possible.

I can't get him out of my mind, the memory of him won't leave my thoughts, I can't even see him, only remember that he did exist in my head. It was pure torture. I didn't even have proof that he existed, except the pathetic evidence of the meteor shower.

I heard the bell ring, lunch was over. I wiped my face from the fresh tears and grabbed my backpack with my head down, walking to biology.

When I got there I was surprised to see the handsome boy sitting in the always empty chair. I had completely forgotten about Edward Cullen since the dream, and somehow remembering him had put a smile on my face. He looked up at me and gave me his special crooked smile; I couldn't help but feel happy. He had this weird power to make me forget all my problems, even the excruciating pain that I was in. No one had ever been able to do that, and here was this boy that I had only met yesterday, and yet he was already solving my frustrations.

I sat down next to him, practically tripping over my chair, and placed my backpack on the ground next to my seat. No matter how much he was able to heal my painful thoughts, he still couldn't completely cure me. He was no fool, and as much as I hated him to be able to tell, he knew something was wrong.

"Hey Bella, are you ok?" He whispered, looking at me and trying to solve the mystery. I didn't know what to say, but unlike everyone else, I couldn't ignore him.

"Uhh….yeah…I'm fine," I lied, trying to not make eye contact with him.

"Bella, a dead person looks better than you do right now. You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but please don't lie to me," I looked at him and his face was hard, but I could see sympathy in his eyes. I felt bad, I shouldn't have lied to him, but I couldn't tell him the truth.

"I…uh…I'm sorry, Edward, I'm just not feeling so well today," he looked at me and smiled; I blushed and dropped my head.

"It's okay, I forgive you," he said with a smirk, trying to lighten the mood. "Just remember that next time."

I raised my eyebrows and looked at him again, "next time?"

"What? Are we never going to talk again?" He asked playing stupid, he was still grinning, and I couldn't help but smile at his beautiful face.

"Well…yeah…but-"

"Then next time you know not to lie to me," he cut me off.

I laughed and he joined. God, he was so easy to talk to, I had the slightest idea how he was able to do that. To make me forget everything and just be in the moment with him, laughing was beyond amazing.

"I'm glad I got you smiling," he said, obviously proud of himself.

"Yeah, I guess you did," I returned the expression, and his eyes lit up.

"It's a gift."

"Ha, right, I bet it is."

"What are you trying to say Ms. Swan?" He raised his brows.

"Nothing." I laughed.

"You are so interesting Bella," he said shaking his head, I blushed.

"Why thank you Edward, I wish I could say the same for you…" He looked at me astonished, his mouth wide open in fake hurt.

"Good one," he said nudging my shoulder. Right then a sudden bolt of electricity shot through me. My face went blank, and I was in shock. I've only felt that feeling with one other person, my dark angel in my dreams. It was so weird that the second me and Edward touched, I could feel the same thing with him. Of course, my mind would find a way to make me remember the boy who had left me, the boy who was causing me to be in so much pain. Thanks mind. What a bitch it was to make me remember him, when I was doing so well right now forgetting.

I looked at Edward, he was motionless and his face was solid. He must have felt it too. Then my mind must not be making it up, but what the hell? I was so confused.

"Are you okay?" I asked nervously.

His head snapped out of whatever daze he was in and he looked at me.

"Uh, yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, you sort of blacked out there for a moment."

"Oh, no, I was just thinking…" he said, and his face became hard again. He stared in front of him, but he wasn't looking at anything in particular, just open space. I desperately wondered what he was thinking so hard about.

"Should I be asking you if you are okay?" I asked curiously. He just laughed.

"No no, I'm fine, fantastic actually," he said smiling.

"That's good to hear," I sighed. He eyed me speculatively.

"I wish I could say the same for you," he said raising an eyebrow; fortunately he didn't push the topic any further. Thank God for that.

"The weather looks nice today," he commented looking out the window. Today was one of those rare days in Forks where it was actually sunny. How ironic.

"Yeah, just lovely." I replied sarcastically.

"Okay, I'm confused. I thought you hated the rain? And now it's sunny, and you hate that too?" He asked confused. He was a very good listener, and I was glad he had paid attention to our conversation earlier.

"Yes, I hate the rain; I usually love days like this, but not today." He seemed to understand what I was talking about; he looked at me and nodded. "It's just one of those days," I added.

"I hate those days," he replied, and I laughed. He smiled a huge grin and for a moment I felt like my world was going to be okay. For a moment, I felt like I could do anything and that my pain was already gone and healed. But I was smarter than that, and I knew too well the reality of the situation.

The bell rang and Edward and I scrambled to gather our things. Edward was much faster than me, and he walked to the door before I even zipped up my bag, but he waited. It was just like yesterday, and my face lit up. I walked to him smiling.

"You ready?" he looked at me with his famous crooked smile. I couldn't say a word; I was mesmerized and lost in my own thoughts of how beautiful he was. I just nodded and we both walked on.

"So tell me about your family. What are they like?" Edward asked curiously.

"Well it's just me and Charlie and Renee." I said.

"Parents?" He asked looking for more details and probably wondering why I call them by their first names.

"Yes," I laughed, "My parents. Don't ask me why I call them by their first names, I don't honestly know. I just always have." I looked puzzled. For the first time in my entire life, I wondered why I called Charlie and Renee, Charlie and Renee. I truthfully didn't know. I always have, but there was no reason behind it. Of course I didn't call them by their names when I was with them though, only to others. They hated if I accidentally called them by anything other than mom and dad, especially when we were out in public. It made them feel like bad parents, which they were far from.

"Tell me about them," he encouraged.

"Renee is probably the most child-like grown woman you will ever meet. She is a terrible cook, hair-brained, and absolutely wonderful. I love her so much, she is my best friend. And Charlie, he is an easy going man that loves his sports and loves his family. He's a very simple guy, but not much going on with him," I laughed, so did Edward.

"That sounds great. They sound like wonderful people."

"They really are," I said smiling and he grinned back at me.

We reached my next class, gym, and my smile fell.

"Do you hate gym Bella?" He asked smirking at me.

"Yes, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not the most coordinated person." I almost fell even as I said that, Edward laughed.

"No you're not," he said still chuckling. I playfully smacked him on the arm and laughed.

"Thanks," I felt the electricity again, and I knew he did too. He stiffened and smiled.

"Well, I guess it's time to leave you; the bell will probably ring any moment."

"Yeah, that's fine; throw me to the cage of lions. I'll be okay. Thanks Edward." I said smirking at him, he laughed again.

"Good luck," he said as he sped off to his next class and winked at me.

Thanks. Edward was an interesting character. He had the odd ability to make me laugh and smile no matter what. He was even better at it than Jacob. It was amazing, and I completely appreciated it. But once as he left, the pain slowly crept back into my life, and I realized how not so wonderful I really did feel.

It was 11:00 P.M. and I was mortified to go to bed. Not only was I afraid that my nightmares might possibly return; I was also afraid of being disappointed that the boy I've fallen in love with might not return either. I had doubt in my mind that he would, and it was not helping the situation at all.

I paced back and forth in my bedroom, freaking out about what to do. I was really tired, but I would rather not sleep then to be saddened when I woke up only to find that I set myself up to be let down. Though, I would never know if my dark angel was truly gone unless I would take a chance and dive back into my subconscious. No matter how much I wanted to, I was still afraid. The risk would cost me in the end, my heart, my happiness, my sanity. But it was worth it, to know for certain that he was gone. Thus I would take a chance…

I entered the meadow just like any other night, only this time my dark angel was not there to welcome me. The meadow seemed different, darker somehow. I looked up and the moon wasn't there, a moonless night, how tragic. It was the blackest of nights, and it frightened me. The flowers were withered and the stream had stopped flowing. It was cold, freezing, and dead silent. I could hear no animals breathing, no hearts beating, and there were no birds singing. I was alone, completely and utterly alone.

As I focused on the meadow, I saw one small ray of light beaming in the middle of the open field; it was a spotlight from a very dim star that shown in the sky. It was all alone by itself, no other stars to keep it company. I understood that star, I fell for it. It had a loneliness that I could now identify with. It was the horrible feeling of being lost and losing something important. I never wanted to dream this scenario again. How disastrous my dream was, the realization of being alone had really hit me now.

I walked to the small glimmer of light, fell to my knees, crawled into the fetal position and began to cry. So this was hell? In any case it was the hell of my dreams, the meadow in a gloomy distorted way. A faceless night, my missing dark angel, and a dead meadow were nothing I had ever wanted to experience. Everything I had come to love was gone; everything that brought me happiness was gone. I was left alone to suffer, to wallow in my pain and discomfort. The sun would not rise in this dream, it would never rise. It would be forever dark, disturbing, and cruel. I knew this was a mistake, to give in to my desires. I knew that allowing myself to return to the meadow would only cause more pain, but I had to be certain. I had to know for sure. I would not live my life with regret of not returning and never knowing if he came back or not. I had to know.

It was only a matter of minutes until I woke up to the pain. There was a new sting in my heart as I was certain that he'd never come back.

Damn, this is really going to hurt.

Well...? I hope that wasn't too heavy. Please tell me what you thought, still looking for a beta reader, and I will have chapter 7 out soon I'm sure. I'm pretty fast when it comes to writing. Especially since I have no one to review my work either. Thank you!