Song for Reid's state of mind in this chapter~ Easy Way Out - Gotye
The morning after JJ confronted Morgan was already a bad day for Reid. Not that the day before had been anything to sing about, but today his mood was like an open wound, anything it came into contact with hurt. The cold, wet weather, his work, seeing Morgan, seeing how JJ looked at him when she thought he couldn't see her, feeling like everybody was watching him, waiting for him to fail. It was the type of mood where somebody he barely knew could glance at him and it would make him feel like they knew all his darkest secrets and were judging him for them. Even the fact that his new pen ran out after hardly being used was enough to make him start furiously building up a conspiracy in his mind that whenever he turned his back everybody in the office used his pens just to piss him off. He spotted a four really creepy elephants doodled on spare bits of paper around the office, but after extensively profiling the doodler as a manic-depressive with a severe lack of empathy or respect for other people's possessions he came no closer to figuring out who in the office was responsible.
Garcia made him Christmas decorated cookies. She pretended they were for everyone in the office but he could tell it was an attempt to cheer him up. She made sure Reid got first pick from the tin.
He picked up a Santa and forced a dry smile. "I see you chose to forgo the traditional colouring." He commented.
(The Santa was wearing a pink-icing suit with edible glitter trimming instead of white fur.)
"Yeah…um, I didn't have any red icing. Or green. Or white. Or any colour except pink really." She said sheepishly. "They should taste the same though."
He nodded. "Thank you."
He was moved by the attempt to make him feel better, but it made him feel guilty because she was obviously worried about him, JJ too, and he couldn't ever explain to them what he was going through or the reason why he was behaving this way.
"Are you the one who's been drawing elephants on everything?" he asked, as she turned to give one to Morgan.
Garcia looked confused. "No."
"Elephants?" Morgan asked, biting into a yellow Christmas tree cookie.
"Never mind." Reid frowned.
He'd seen so many he was surprised they hadn't noticed. He went back to his desk and sat down and looked at an envelope which had had the first elephant drawn on the back. It was now blank.
And that's the kind of day he was having when JJ decided to broach the subject of the Faraday case with him.
"Reid, can you come help me with something in my office for a minute?" she asked.
Garcia gave an exaggerated fake gasp. "JJ you predator! You're married!"
There were a few laughs. JJ forced a smile. Reid looked at the envelope he was still holding. Now he was thinking about JJ naked along with elephants and glittery Santas stealing pens.
"I'm busy right now." He said tensely.
"Please, I won't keep you long." She said.
He stood up and followed her into the office.
She walked into the middle of the room and turned to face him. He closed the door behind him. She untied her hair and let it tumble down to her shoulders like a movie actress.
"I think I know what's been going on with you lately." She said firmly.
"Please JJ, I don't want to talk about this." He said, swallowing.
She walked over to him and took his face in her hands. They felt really soft and cool, like his mother's hand on his forehead when he was a kid and had a fever. "You don't have to." She murmured, brushing his hair back off his face.
She started kissing him and pushing him back against the door, and part of him was confused and horrified but for some reason it was comforting and he'd always thought she was pretty so he let it happen.
"What about Will?" he mumbled between kisses.
"I love you now." She whispered. She put his hands on her hips and started unbuttoning her blouse while she kissed him. He expected to feel nervous and shy but for some reason he felt like he was in control, like a snake-charmer directing her with his mind. He felt safe and comfortable. Less alone.
But then she got on her knees and started trying to get his pants undone and an attack of guilt and panic hit him in the stomach like a punch.
"Don't do that." He said, suddenly scared.
"Just be quiet Reid." She laughed. "You asked for this."
"No I didn't." he protested, tears welling up in his eyes.
"What, do you think I want to do this? Do you really think I would ever want to put my hands near you?" She snapped and stood up. "All this never would have happened if you didn't have this pathetic crush on Morgan, and on me. If you weren't such a perverted freak."
Her words felt like a punch in the stomach. He opened his mouth to protest but he couldn't say anything.
She carried on voicing the vitriolic criticism he'd unconsciously believed all this time, "If you hadn't secretly wanted it then you would have found a way out. You always do. And if you hated it so much then you wouldn't be constantly thinking about what it would be like to do that with Morgan again! You're just too scared to admit you get off on it, so you blame everybody else to make yourself feel-"
"Shut up!" Reid exploded. She stopped midsentence, looking surprised. "What you're saying isn't fair! I didn't want it and I didn't consent to it! That's all that matters! Whatever feelings I had for Morgan at that time, I did not deserve to be beaten, I did not deserve to be drugged, and I did not deserve to be raped!"
She looked furious and clamped her hands around his throat, her fingernails cutting into him. He tried to push her off but either she was supernaturally strong or he had become suddenly weaker. He started to panic, not being able to breathe. Then he heard somebody calling his name from a distance.
He stepped back through the door and fell backwards into himself, and he looked up and saw Morgan coming towards him through the crowds. He was sitting on a bench in a town centre holding a stone cold cup of coffee and staring at a large black metal water feature shaped like two bathing elephants. He wasn't wearing a coat over his shirt and tie and grey knitted sweater vest, and he presumed he must be cold since it was below zero outside, but it didn't really bother him.
"Hey. Are you alright? You must be freezing." Morgan slipped off his jacket and put it round his shoulders. Reid was about to say he had acquired arctic superpowers and apparently didn't require warmth anymore but the jacket was warm from Morgan's body heat and heavy on his shoulders and it felt nice so he kept it on.
He was feeling very confused and had no idea how he would make it through this conversation without Morgan finding out that he knew absolutely nothing about what had happened that day or how he had ended up here. But luckily Morgan's next question outlined the basics for him.
"What did JJ say to you to make you storm out like that?"
"She…wanted to know what was wrong." Reid said. He had no recollection of it but guessed that his weird delusion of JJ sexually assaulting him was at least partly based on real events. "I…felt trapped."
Morgan nodded.
"Garcia didn't spike those cookies with psychotropic drugs by any chance did she?" Reid asked hopefully.
Morgan raised his eyebrows. "Mine was alright. Why do you ask?"
"You had a Christmas tree." Reid said.
"That's right." Morgan looked concerned. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I just feel a little weird. Like this whole day was a dream."
"Okay." Morgan said.
"Sorry for running off." Reid said. "I hope you weren't worried."
"That's okay. To be honest, on a scale of things you've done recently which have worried me, walking out on JJ was probably the most understandable."
Reid looked down and smiled.
"Why did you come here?" Morgan asked.
Reid looked up again and scanned his environment. He had memorised almost the whole of Virginia and many other states in terms of road maps but he couldn't recall where the landmark of the elephants were from, meaning he had somehow ended up a long way from the office, most likely to the south.
"Don't know. It was as far as I could walk, I guess." He replied. "How did you find me anyway?"
Morgan frowned. "You don't remember calling me?"
Reid shook his head.
"Oh. Well when you walked out I was worried about you, so I went to your apartment during my lunch break to see if you'd got back alright, but you didn't answer the door. I kept calling your cell until you eventually answered, I asked where you were and if you needed picking up and you told me you were next to a big water feature with elephants but you were a little vague on the details. So I googled it and then came and found you."
Reid raised his eyebrows and nodded. "Thank you. Sorry you had to give up your lunch break. You must be hungry."
"That's alright." Morgan studied his face for a moment, and then sighed. "Reid…do you remember what I said to you around the time you were having your migraines on that case with the schizophrenic unsub?"
Reid gave him a look.
Morgan laughed. "Okay dumb question, of course you remember. But I'll say it again anyway. The moment I find you wandering around the streets aimlessly, that's when I start to worry about you kid."
Reid pulled the jacket tighter around himself and shivered. There was a heavy silence.
"There's a restaurant over there." Reid pointed eventually. "We should go get you something to eat."
Morgan nodded. "Okay." He said.
...
JJ watched them like a hawk over the next few days after Reid walked out on their conversation. She gathered Prentiss and Garcia together in the ladies bathroom and told them what Morgan had said. Garcia looked happy.
"Well that's good news then, right? It's obviously not schizophrenia, Derek wouldn't lie about that. So we don't need to worry."
"Yeah I know, but I am worried." JJ frowned. "Something about the way Morgan clammed up so fast and got all defensive…and how Reid reacted when I mentioned the Faraday case…there's something going on, I can feel it. I hate being kept in the dark."
"Well…" Prentiss said, reapplying her lipstick in the mirror. "We know it's to do with something that happened on that case…"
"Definitely. The way we were suddenly taken off the case was really fishy too, though I didn't think about it at the time." JJ remarked.
"So, all we need is a little detective work. The police report should tell us what happened." Prentiss said. "It should be reasonably straightforward to get a hold of a copy. Well…if you're privileged enough to have a Garcia at your disposal."
Garcia smiled and saluted. "At your disposal indeed ma'am! I'll have it done by lunch time and still have time to perform all my duties for the morning, and paint my nails. Which should totally be considered a work duty BTW, I mean for me imperfections in my appearance is a crime, so technically I'm fighting it by...uh okay I should stop talking and actually go do it shouldn't I?"
JJ and Prentiss nodded, trying not to laugh.
...
"So I managed to obtain a digital copy of Morgan and Reid's written statements but there's really not much in there that we don't already know." Garcia said in a hushed voice as she ushered them into her room. "It says they were taken by surprise with tasers, ouch, and then Reid was kept in the basement and Derek, poor sausage," she winced. "was kept in the trunk of their car for a whole night before they took him down to the basement, then they were beaten up and cut up a little but we got them out before the brothers really got going on the torture."
"That's it?" JJ frowned. "That doesn't sound right. Two sexual sadists had them locked up for days and that's all they did?"
"Maybe they liked to take their time, watch their captives getting weaker and losing hope." Prentiss suggested with a shrug. "We never worked out that part of the profile."
"It's interesting that they kept them apart for the first night." JJ said.
"Could be a safety measure? It's possible that they saw Morgan as the bigger threat." Prentiss said.
"Also interesting; I noticed that they both mention a video camera, but their stories don't quite match. Look, Reid says 'There was a video camera at the scene but they didn't film anything,' while Morgan says 'They filmed some of the beatings but I don't remember what was on the video or when it got deleted.'" Garcia said enthusiastically, enjoying the opportunity to play at being one of the detectives for once.
"We were never told about a video." JJ said. "Did they manage to retrieve the deleted footage?"
"Doesn't look like it. It is possible to get back film you deleted so long as the camera hasn't been used since, but you'd need a forensic data specialist and it's extremely time consuming, read; expensive. Besides, they already had more than enough evidence to prosecute."
"Could you do it?" Prentiss asked.
Garcia gave an uncomfortable groan. "Theoretically yes…but for the record I am really not comfortable with this. Getting a copy of their official statements is one thing, but tampering with evidence from a case we were removed from…that's a whole new level of illegal. How would I even get hold of this camera?"
"Leave it with me." Prentiss said, her eyes gleaming a little. "I may know a guy who knows a guy. I have a couple of favours I can call in to get the right people to look the other way. I might even be able to get it done semi-legit." She said.
Garcia and JJ stared at her.
"It scares me when you talk like a mafia hitman." Garcia said. Prentiss laughed.
"Come on, look we're doing this for Morgan and Reid's sake aren't we? Are you in?" JJ asked.
Garcia shifted uncomfortably, then agreed. "Ugh fine. You can quit it with the peer pressure blondie."
"Thank you." JJ smiled.
...
Reid refused to see Young at work anymore so Hotch arranged for the next session to be at Reid's apartment.
Young arrived at the door, hands in his jacket pockets, just after Reid had eaten dinner.
"Come in." Reid said stiffly.
Young looked slightly nervous and hesitated before stepping through the door. He wiped his feet on the mat carefully before walking through to the living room.
"I've never done a home visit before." He said, sitting down on the couch uncomfortably. "Except with Aaron I mean, but that was ages ago."
Reid sat down in an armchair opposite him, one leg crossed over the other. He didn't reply.
"So how have you been this week?"
"Fine." Reid said, jiggling his stripy-socked foot restlessly.
"Morgan gave me the basics of what happened after I left that night."
Reid tensed and shifted uneasily in his chair.
"I'm sorry it didn't work out."
"You're sorry? Really?" Reid laughed coldly. "I thought this was what you wanted? For me to make a fool of myself."
"Why would you assume that?" Young frowned.
"You're the one who brought it up in the first place! You put the idea into my head! I mean that he might...I hadn't even considered…before then…"
"Are you sure about that?" Young asked sceptically. "You don't generally develop such strong feelings for somebody overnight just because somebody plants the suggestion in your mind."
"What the hell do you know about my feelings?" Reid snapped.
"I'm good at reading between the lines. It's kind of in the job description. Please feel free to correct me if I've said anything that isn't true."
Reid scowled, "Still, you obviously knew Morgan didn't feel the same way, and you let me think that he did! You set me up to embarrass myself!"
"That wasn't my intention at all. I can't talk about what Morgan and I discussed but please don't think I ever meant to make things difficult for you. You're my patient. I want to see you get better."
Reid looked down and started biting the edge of a hangnail.
"You've mentioned twice now that you feel like you've embarrassed yourself." Young commented. "Don't you think you're being a little harsh beating yourself up about it? Practically everyone gets knocked back at some point in their lives. I know I have, and I bet Morgan has too. It's not necessarily a reflection on you."
"I know…but it was just so stupid, and…arrogant to think…that I could be attractive to somebody like him." Reid said, pressing a knuckle into his left temple like it hurt to talk about it.
"That's strange, since you're clearly not stupid or arrogant."
Reid glanced up at Young but didn't reply.
"And kissing somebody isn't a way of saying 'I think you're attracted to me' anyway." Young continued. "It's a way of saying 'I find you very attractive and my innate biological reproductive drive is telling me we would produce very attractive and well-adapted offspring…' well not in your case obviously but you get my point, '…and in the heat of the moment I am powerless to resist the allure of your evolutionarily advantageous genes and the primal magnetism of your pheromones.'"
"You should write romance novels." Reid said sarcastically.
Young laughed. "'Somebody like him.' you said. What does that mean?"
Reid shrugged. "Isn't it obvious?"
"I have an idea what you mean, but I want to hear it in your words."
"It means…he's…" Reid paused. "Perfect." He finished. He looked at the floor, feeling like an idiot.
Why am I even talking to him? He wondered.
"Are you sure about that? I mean don't get me wrong, I think he's a terrific guy, but I don't really see what makes him so perfect and you so unworthy."
"Right." Reid said sarcastically.
"Oh I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. It's a genuine question."
Reid frowned. "Everybody likes him. The moment they meet him everyone wants to be his friend. The moment I met him I wanted to be his friend, wanted him to like me. I've never been able to figure out how he does that."
"What do you think people think of you when they meet you for the first time?" Young asked.
Reid thought for a few moment. "At work? Their first thought is usually that I look too young to be in the FBI."
"And when you're not at work?" he asked.
Reid shrugged. "They think I'm quiet, reserved. Probably boring."
"Even when they know you're a genius?"
"Yeah, I mean they might be impressed by it, but that doesn't make them want to be friends with me particularly. Quite a lot of the time I think it has the opposite effect. At school and college if I said something clever I usually got shoved into a locker or something."
"Do you think that's why you act quiet and reserved with new people now? To make sure they're not the type who would punish you for being smarter than them?"
Reid shrugged. "I guess."
"Do you ever consider that they might think you don't like them?"
Reid frowned, "Why would they think that?"
"Because they know you're a lot more intelligent than them, and that can be very intimidating. Maybe they assume you only hang out with other geniuses, and think they don't have anything to offer you as a friend. If you come across as reserved then that only reinforces that feeling in people."
"But that's ridiculous! I don't believe intelligence can be accurately quantified! I would never be uninterested in somebody because they have an average IQ score! You don't really think people feel that way do you?" Reid looked distressed.
"Oh most definitely." Young nodded. "I did when I met you. I didn't want to take your case at first because I thought you'd be an egotistical jerk who'd make me feel stupid."
"Oh…" Reid said, slightly stunned.
"But then Aaron told me a bit more about you, and I thought I could help, so I got over myself."
Reid sat silently, trying to get his head around this.
"Did this really not occur to you?" Young asked, sounding amused.
"Well it did…but I disregarded it because it seemed arrogant to assume people were intimidated by my intelligence. I decided it was more likely to be down to my social problems."
Young nearly pissed himself laughing at that. He stood up, walked over to Reid and started ruffling his hair.
"YOU ARE SUCH A SWEETHEART." He cooed, pinching Reid's cheeks. Reid froze up in alarm and confusion and that just made Young laugh even harder and hug Reid's head to his chest, swaying from side to side. "You have basically created a whole false worldview in your mind where you blame yourself for everything, purely because you're worried people will think you're arrogant. That's so adorable and emotionally unhealthy and I have no idea how you've lived this long without having a mental breakdown." He collapsed back onto the couch still twitching with laughter.
Reid's moment of terror slowly subsided, and he found himself smiling.
"You really think so?"
"Just think about it genius, you'll see what I mean. Try to challenge your negative thought patterns, let yourself be more confident. Being confident doesn't mean you're arrogant, and being a little bit arrogant isn't the end of the world anyway. Nobody's perfect. Trying to be perfect is the real arrogance." Young smiled.
"Ok." Reid smiled doubtfully. "I'll try that."
He suddenly noticed the absence of one of Young's annoying habits. "How come you're not throwing a ball around?"
Young took it out of his pocket, threw it up and caught it a few times.
"Uh, my aim kind of sucks recently, so I don't do it in other people's houses in case I break something important."
"Oh." Reid frowned. "It's unusual for a person to suddenly get worse at a task they perform regularly."
"Oh yeah, it's my eyesight apparently." Young said. "The doc says I need to see an optician but I don't think glasses would really suit my image, do you?" he laughed. "I suppose I'll have to though soon. Man, getting old is a bitch."
Reid looked at him closely.
"Can I ask you something?" he asked, after a short pause.
"Sure."
"Why did you say no to Prentiss?" he asked.
Now it was Young's turn to look uncomfortable.
He let out a long breath. "Conflict of interests."
"What?"
"She's your colleague. Dating her while I'm treating you would be too complicated."
Reid wrapped his arms around his bent knee, looking at Young closely.
"Alright." He said, disappointed.
"Alright?" Young frowned.
"If that's the answer you're sticking with then I'm happy to go along with it." Reid said. "But maybe I'll bear that in mind when you want to go poking around in my personal life."
Young's mood changed very suddenly from playful to irritated. "I'm not using my personal life as a bargaining chip to get you to open up. Either you want my help or you don't."
There was a long silence.
Eventually Reid opened his mouth to speak, closed it again, and then said;
"I've been wondering lately, because it seems that every time I look at him…I feel…different, you know? And I don't mean in the emotional sense…although of course I do…feel…" he cleared his throat and looked down. "…a um…certain level of…emotional response." Young looked down, trying not to grin at that. "I mean in so much as just...generally my thoughts become more erratic and strange. So I was wondering…falling in love generates so many neurotransmitters in the brain, but specifically it creates high levels of dopamine, so I was thinking, theoretically…could falling in love trigger an attack similar to symptoms of schizophrenia?"
Young thought for a moment. "I've not come across any research done into that. I think if falling in love could actually trigger a schizophrenic break in genetically predisposed individuals then we'd certainly have noticed the correlation by now. But it seems likely that it certainly wouldn't help matters in a person already suffering from it."
Reid nodded grimly, deep in thought.
"What symptoms have you got?"
Reid shook his head. "Nothing really. Like I said…I just feel a little on edge recently, that's all."
Young looked at him intently. "Alright." He said.
There was a long silence.
"If it is that then it's only going to get worse until it's treated."
"I know."
"Seriously, take it from a shrink, trying to medicate somebody is a lot harder when they've lost the plot so much they think you're an alien overlord trying to impregnate them with your demonic sperm."
"I don't think I'm at the medication stage yet." Reid said quietly. "It's probably just stress."
"Well. I hope you're right." Young said. He asked if there was anything else Reid wanted to discuss, or anything at all he needed. Reid said no to both, and showed him to the door.
Eric watched him from the couch, where he'd been sitting next to Young the whole time.
"I thought he'd never leave." He grinned, standing up and stretching.
...
Yeah this was a strange chapter sorry xD and my apologies for the icky het scene.
Reviews~
Xx-Yuna-Zoey-xX - 'On the train to crazy town' is a very good summary of Reid's mental state xD thank you.
Akidd10193 - *preens* your comment was so flattering! ;3 thank you. I also enjoyed the part where Morgan told him off for saying 'fuck.' Intense homoerotic arguments are the most fun things to write ever! xD Glad you agree with how I write them reacting to things, that's so hard to get right. Hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the last ones! x
LaRieNGuBleR - By any chance did you write that comment when you were sleepy? xD your grammar was a little hit and miss, and mine gets like that when I'm writing late at night. Anyway, your review still made me smile, though I'm sorry you're angry with Morgan. Thank you :)
Ava Duran - Aww now all I can see is Morgan and Reid being glomped by a ghost blanket and forced to cuddle and being so confused. ^^ Fuck Or Die...wow I didn't realise it was a named genre xD I feel better knowing I'm not the only one, thank you :)
People Person - thank you for saying that :) it must be such a scary thing to go through so I'm glad I'm portraying it well. Hope you feel better soon. x
imaginess - AHAHAHAHAHAHA XD I'M SO SORRY BUT IF YOU'RE FRUSTRATED NOW YOU ARE SO GOING TO HATE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.
Medeia456 - I wish I could post it all tomorrow for you but I'm afraid I can't go any faster than this! I estimate that we are maybe around 2/3rds of the way through the story, so there's plenty left to do!
Too Many People Not Enough Plagues - Very nice of you to say so, thank you :)
NatNazzy - *gives rainbow* thank you for your kind words :) I think you've left a nice review for nearly every chapter of this story and I am always very grateful for that xxx
twi-hard-twilight-addict - aww thank you ^^ I quite enjoy amusing myself down here by rambling about whatever comes into my head. It's nice to know that other people are enjoying it as well :)
Guest - haha I get the feeling you're a tumblr addict xD I love tumblr people's comments with their feels and their I can't evens. It's such an expressive way of writing xD I will write as fast as I can for you dear x
lynny - glad to have you back xD I will do my best to deliver large quantities of angst for you.
Kisa167 - Me too ):
justanotherguest - You are welcome! Hope your holidays were suitably unproductive and full of internet procrastination!