sorry about the lack of teasers this time around! i figured you would rather me post the whoel chapter tonight than do replies tonight and put off posting for later ;)
i love Soph ...T H I S M U C H... for her editing skills!
Chapter 5 – Confrontation & Callers
Jasper Whitlock
"And that was Enrique Iglesias featuring Pit Bull with I Like It here on 98.9 KZIZ, your number one spot for today's hit music." I announced into the microphone.
"Good morning, everyone! Today is Thursday, April 8 and it is 7:31 a.m. Let's start your morning off right, with me, Jazz Whitlock and 'All That Jazz'! Go grab yourself a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal so we can get this Thursday over with and it can be Friday already!"
"To start off the morning, we've got an interesting brain bender for all you listeners today. I'll read the question and then open up the phone lines. Winner will receive a meal for two at the new restaurant Santoreggia, opening up about two and a half weeks from today."
"Okay, the question is: Twenty-five percent of men always pack one of these when they travel. What is it?"
"The phone lines are now open, and here is our first caller; Hello! Give us your name and your guess."
"Hi, I'm Sarah, and I think it's probably a condom?" The woman's voice sort of asked over the line.
"No, I'm sorry! I can assure you more than twenty-five percent of men probably carry condoms around all day." I laughed into the mic.
"Next caller, what's your name and what's your guess?"
"This is John, and men always pack a gun?"
"That's a good one, but not what I'm looking for. Think exactly the opposite of a weapon."
"When we come back, I'll be taking some more calls, but right now here some music as you're on your way to work. This is Michelle Branch with Breathe."
I turned up the song and switched off my microphone as I answered the rest of the phone calls. I put three callers on hold, one of which had the right answer and waited for the song to end.
"Again, that was Breathe by the talented Michelle Branch. We've got a few more callers ready to try and answer our question, so let's see if they're right!"
I went through the first two people, letting them make their guesses and then telling them they were wrong and to try again tomorrow. Then I opened up the line for our lucky winner.
"Give us your name and your guess, please."
"I'm Jessica, and the answer is a stuffed animal."
"We have a winner! Yes, you heard right, a recent study by a British hotel chain. Travelodge has found that twenty-five percent of men take teddy bears on the road with them when they travel for business. These men report that their stuffed animals remind them of home and the significant others they have to leave behind."
"Congratulations Jessica! You have won yourself a meal for two at the new restaurant opening down on 2011 4th Ave. They'll be running for business starting April 30, so everyone be sure to get in your reservations before they're all booked up!"
I started a new song and then returned to Jessica so I could let her know she could either come down to the station to pick up her free meal tickets or we could mail them to her.
After that, I finished up the rest of the show with some funny stories, weird news from today and events going on over the weekend.
Leah showed up outside the studio, ready to begin her shift just as I was wrapping up my segment and putting on a song.
"Great show today, Jazz." She high-fived me as I walked past.
"Thanks. They're all yours." I motioned toward the inside of the studio and waved goodbye.
Eric was going over a few more details with Edward as they switched controls over to Sam for his shift, so I made my way over the Carlisle's office to run him by a small segment I wanted to do during my show tomorrow.
I knocked on the door, and his deep voice granted me entrance.
"Hello, Jasper! How did everything go today? Good?" Mr. BossMan eyed me curiously from his desk chair, probably wondering why I came to speak with him.
"Yes, everything went well. I actually had a question about a new segment we could add to the show…"
"Well, let's hear it." He waved me over and I sat in one of the deep burgundy chairs seated before his desk.
Now normally I am very comfortable around Carlisle, despite his power over my employment. When it comes to pitching a new idea or anything with confrontation though, I get a little fidgety. And not just with him, with anybody. It doesn't matter if I'm asking for a raise on my salary or just having to tell Emmett that the pants he's wearing don't go with his shirt, I always get nervous and feel like an idiot.
Today was no different.
I cleared my throat and began, "Okay, so recently I… uhm, had a very interesting interaction with this woman…"
"Jasper, let me stop you there for a second. Is this actually about the show or are you trying to get dating advice from me? Because Esme would be the one to go to for that…"
"No! I promise it does have to do with the show. This woman is not someone I would even consider asking for a phone number. Believe me, you'll understand once I've explained."
"Alright, sorry to interrupt."
I went into the whole story; from thinking I was just running a quick errand, nothing out of the ordinary, to wanting to punch some random lady in the face the next.
"…and then I was thinking we could have listeners send in crazy or weird things that happened to them during the week and I'd read the funniest out of the bunch on Fridays. Kind of like good riddance to the week and a much needed laugh to get everyone through the workday before the weekend arrived."
Carlisle had his elbows rested on the flat surface in front of him, hands fisted, and his chin perched on top of them. He looked up at me with the look he gives when he's thinking hard about something.
I waited for him to say something …anything, but he never opened his mouth, so I finally asked, "What do you think?"
He looked at me once more and then removed his elbows from the table, "I really like it. A lot. We just need a title for the segment…" he trailed off, rubbing his jaw.
"I was thinking about that too. How about just something simple like, 'Crazy, but True Stories of the Week.'?"
He seemed to stew over that for a moment, "Perfect. We'll have you launch that tomorrow with your …experience and I'll have Gianna set up an e-mail account specifically for that segment."
"Great! I'll see you tomorrow then."
...zzZzZZ...
Edward and I went to meet Emmett for lunch after I left Carlisle's office and I very excitedly explained the new addition to my morning show.
"You know what other story you should tell?" Edward smirked and eyed Emmett.
"Which one?"
"The one where Emmett got stuck in the box…" he couldn't finish the sentence because the mental image alone of Emmett's feet dangling in the air was enough to throw you into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.
I couldn't help but join in as Emmett sat there glaring at us. Seriously, if looks could kill…
"Oh, man! Good idea …I will definitely be using it tomorrow." I sighed, catching my breath.
"That's awesome. You two just wait. One of these days you're going to do something unbelievably embarrassing and the first person I plan on telling will be some girl you're interested in, then we'll see who's laughing!"
"Yeah, because Jazz and I could totally top trying to fit inside a small box…" Edward said sarcastically.
"You two," Emmett pointed at both of us, "suck." and then noisily scooted out his chair from under the table to throw away his trash.
"Jasper?" Edward turned to me once he decided Emmett was far enough away so he couldn't hear, "Is Emmett always that pissy? I mean, I know I've barely known the guy a few days, but I thought he would be over the whole box incident and find it as freaking funny as we do now..."
"Yeah, something's bothering him. Normally he would be laughing at himself and attempting to convince us we should let him try again."
Emmett started walking back so I straightened in my chair and squared my shoulders, ready to confront Emmett about his moodiness lately.
Now this type of confrontation, when I needed to get to the bottom of what's been bothering my friend, I'm okay with.
"Em, are you okay man? You seem a little… stressed or somethin'…" I asked carefully.
He eyed me for a second and then shifted his gaze to Edward before slumping down in his chair, "Yeah, okay… I'll tell you if you promise to not laugh and call me a chick or whatever." He eyed us again, challenging Edward and me to let so much as a chuckle escape.
We both nodded and he continued, "So… I was running an errand this morning, totally minding my own business, when this smokin' blonde girl plows right past me on the sidewalk. Naturally, I started checking her out and then she goes to cross the street when the stoplight turned green and this asshole completely ignores the fact that someone is right in front of him and is about to run her over!"
I kind of just sat there staring at Emmett because this was starting to sound like one of those sappy scenes in a romantic comedy where the two main characters meet, and I had no idea how to react to that.
"Granted, the girl wasn't paying attention either, but that's not the point. The point is, I was standing there watching all of this unfold and all I could think about was getting her attention so she didn't turn into road-kill. So, I started yelling at her to watch out, but of course, she wasn't listening, which forced me to run up behind her and yank her back onto the sidewalk just before the inconsiderate jerk zoomed right past us."
Yup, I could definitely picture Emmett coming to the rescue right as an orchestra began, playing some sort of fast-tempo, high-energy music filled the cinema.
"Then she was screaming at me for some reason – she might have been anyway; I wasn't really listening to her - and I was still holding onto her wondering why I was getting yelled at by the woman whose life I just saved. After her little freak-out she turned around and I finally got a look at her face, which now I can't forget about no matter how hard I try. I walked her to her workplace, giving a lame excuse about needing to make sure she was okay, and then that was it. She left and I didn't even ask her what her name was or get a phone number. I just let her go and now it's like she's been yelling at me in my head about how stupid that was. Every. Single. Day. I'm starting to get the worst migraine, man."
He sighed and slumped lower into the chair, staring at the top of the table with a grimace and rubbing his temples.
I still had no clue what to say; thankfully Edward asked the question I wanted to ask most, "This actually happened? You seriously saved some hot girl from getting killed, walked her all the way back to wherever she came from and in that amount of time, and didn't even learn her name?"
"Well, it's not like I did it on purpose!"
"And you're acting like this," I waved at Emmett who now had his arms crossed over his chest and head hanging backwards over the back of the chair like a ten year old that wasn't getting his way, "because you regret not asking this girl out?"
"Obviously!" His head snapped back up and looked at me like I should be wearing a helmet. "I knew you guys wouldn't understand. She's like my ideal woman. If I could create a girlfriend for myself, it would be her. You don't find that everyday; I did and then just let it walk away!"
"No, we get what you're saying Em. But you're right, we can't fully understand what you're going through because that's never actually happened to us…" Edward tried to reason with him because now Emmett was repeatedly hitting his head against the table chanting, 'stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.'
Edward looked over at me and nudged his head at Emmett's banging one, clearly wanting me to say something too. This was where my confrontation anxiety crept up on me again.
"Yeah, Emmett. I mean, if I were you I would be trying to crack my skull on a hard surface too for letting this amazing girl escape…" I guess that wasn't what Edward was looking for because he rested his elbows on the table and face palmed.
"Just …don't give up yet. Hey! You know where she works, right? Why not go back down there and find her?" Edward offered.
Emmett looked up at us, relenting the torture on his head so he could speak, "And look like some creepy stalker? No thanks. I wouldn't even know what floor to start searching on anyway. Believe me, I've considered that idea." He scoffed and then resumed the banging, harder this time.
Edward gave me a 'you-better-say-something-that-will-make-him-feel-better-and-not-something-stupid-again' look, so I placed my hand in between Em's forehead and the table and lifted it so he could look at me.
"It's that type of pessimistic attitude that will leave you sitting at home on a Saturday night, veggin' out on the couch alone. You have got to make things happen for yourself! You find a way to contact this perfect woman, ask her what the hell her name is, and then ask her out to dinner! You are Emmett Dale McCarty, when have you ever given up? Never, that's when!"
I glanced over at Edward for approval on my speech and he hadn't resorted to a face palm again so that was a plus.
Another plus: I had let go of Emmett's head and he hadn't gone back to beating his brains out again.
"You know what? You're right. I'm going to find her and guess what else? When I bring her to meet you guys, I won't even care if you tell that box story, because it's funny. As. Hell!" he punctuated 'funny,' 'as,' and 'hell' with three hard pokes at my chest before he said goodbye and ran out the door.
...zzZzZZ...
"Happy Friday to all my listeners out there on this beautiful morning! The forecast calls for sunshine all weekend, so that much needed break from the office won't be weighed down by any unpleasant weather."
I smiled in pure joy as I got ready for the brand new segment for today.
"Since its Friday and all, I thought we'd start a new segment called 'Crazy, but True Stories.' This will be a time where I will tell you about some funny stories listeners send in about the crazy things that happened during their week. I'll be doing this every Friday, so to start it off I have two for you today that involved yours truly."
I went into the whole moving box debacle and still found myself needing to pause at the part where Emmett managed to hit himself in the eye because of my laughter.
That story will never get old. I'll be telling my grandchildren that one on my deathbed, I swear.
I took a short break and played a couple songs before getting into my second story, which was more annoying – to me, anyway – than it was funny.
"So, I'm browsing the selections at my local video store trying to find a good action movie to watch with my buddies, and I was alone in the aisle until some woman comes and starts searching for a movie in the same section as me, no big deal. But then, I go to grab that thriller/action movie Face Punch and the lady starts trying to take it from me! I was about to calmly try to compromise with her when she starts giving me attitude about how I was apparently stealing this movie from her!"
"We got into this kind of, tug-o-war fight with the DVD case and the owner had to come over to see what the heck is going on in his store. The chick immediately starts sprouting off accusations that I was the one to take the stupid movie from her. Then the owner looks at us like we're children and points out that there are two copies of the movie that can be rented. Now I feel completely embarrassed for getting into it with this random woman in his store, so I silently release the movie – since she still has it in some sort of vice grip – and grabbed the other copy. The girl studies the back cover of the movie and then starts laughing. She then proceeded to tell me that she didn't even want to rent that movie anymore, sets it back on the shelf, and practically skipped away."
I shook my head again in frustration. That woman had seriously pushed my buttons.
"I guess the point I'm trying to make from that story is that all women are crazy and when they want something they'll go to all costs to get it and then once they do have it, there's a chance they'll just throw it away. Kind of like what they do with our hearts, huh? Am I right fellas?" I chuckled at my own lame joke and got ready for the commercials we had lined up to play.
"That's it for 'Crazy, but True Stories' for today. You can submit your own at crazybuttrue(at)kziz(dot)com and I might read it on the show next Friday. I'll be opening up the phone lines after the break for song requests. But now, a word from some of our sponsors."
I flipped on the audio tracks and grabbed a cup of coffee as our listeners were informed of sales going on at the mall this weekend and who to call if you needed your septic tank cleaned.
I opened up the phone lines right before the last commercial ended and we were back on the air, "Welcome back, to those of you just tuning in this is 'All That Jazz' with me, Jazz Whitlock here at KZIZ 98.9 FM radio. I'll be taking some callers now for a few song requests, so here we go."
I pressed down on the first orange blinking light, "Hello! What's your name and what song would you like to hear?"
"Hi, I'm Mary." The woman's voice echoed through the small studio.
"Hey Mary, what song would you like me to play for you this morning?"
"Actually, I was wondering if you could answer a question for me?" she asked in a sweet voice.
"Well, I think I can do that. What was it you're wondering about?"
"How is it that you men can complain all the time about how crazy women are, but when we so much as start to recognize horrible characteristics about your gender, you immediately get defensive and break up with us? Hmm?"
Uh ohhhh…
"And also, maybe you men have to consider the fact that you are the ones who make us crazy. I'm sure the poor woman you hassled in the video store just thought she was going to pick up the movie and head on with her own business too, but nooooooo, you had to go and make a big deal out of it. You didn't even consider checking to see if there was a second copy to that DVD, did you?" her tone was getting less and less sweet as she went on.
"Yes, that's true, but –"
"But what? You couldn't take five seconds to let her explain to you that maybe she did see the other copy? Because you thought that since you were a man you deserved the stupid action movie more than a woman? Please enlighten me, Mr. Whitlock."
I tried to answer her growing list of questions, but the woman just kept on going.
"And while we're on the subject of crazy, when was it exactly that the female population got pegged with this completely untrue characteristic? We do nothing but try to send subtle signs to you guys to let you know we're interested, which you're all too stupid to comprehend, so we have to go with the more blatant acts of affection. Then you get all scared and run away with your tail between your legs, claiming we're moving too fast and you just want to have fun. Well let me tell you something, Jazz, we like to have fun too! But it's too stinkin' hard to have fun when we're too busy worrying about appearances and if he even likes spending time with us or not and when we should initiate a kiss and when we should just back off, because god forbid we move too fast for you!"
Man, she's like the effing Energizer bunny.
By now, I had given up talking and decided I would just let her rant. She could rant her little heart out, but I wasn't going to make my listeners suffer. I quickly popped in a track and faded out her voice as the first notes began. She didn't even notice, the woman just kept yapping my ear off with her distaste of men.
Going and going and going and going…
Carlisle had made his way up to the studio to see what was going on and I waved him off, reassuring that I had everything under control. He gave me the sign that meant I needed to meet him after the show to let him know what happened and I gave a thumbs up just as Mary finished her big speech.
"So what exactly was your question?" I asked calmly.
"Ughh!" she growled and yelled, "Typical male!" into the phone before hanging up on me.
I just rolled my eyes. She basically just made my point for me. Only crazy women would call into a radio show to complain about men. I was just relieved she hung up herself before I had to and risk her calling back even angrier than before.
I hung up and noticed that the phone lines were growing crazy with backed up callers. I quickly set up a couple more songs to play through while I answered what were hopefully just song requests.
…And some were. But only about three callers actually wanted to hear a song. The rest were all angry women who stood behind Mary one hundred percent. I finally got so fed up with being greeted by, 'You know what else is wrong with men?' that I just shut off the phone system altogether until Leah came to take over.
"Not your greatest…" Leah smirked as I past her.
"Yeah, yeah. They're all yours now. Have fun." I snorted and made my way down to Carlisle's office.
When I entered, he was listening to Leah's introduction on his vintage 1935 811 Deco Tombstone, Zenith model radio.
"What can I do for you, boss?" I asked lightly, although I knew exactly what he wanted.
He stared at me for a few moments before rubbing his temples and leaning back in his chair, "What exactly happened up there today?"
"Well, I announced that I was opening up the phone lines for song requests and when I did, this woman named Mary said she had a question instead, so I thought I'd be able to answer a simple question for her. But then she just started in on me about how horrible men were and I tried to cut in and say something but she wouldn't have that. That's when I took her off air, forgot about the requests, and put in some of the latest hits." I shrugged.
"That's all? She had no reasoning for the sudden bash on men?"
"Well, I made a joke a little earlier after the story about the video store lady and how women were crazy…"
I don't know what I had expected Carlisle's reaction to be, but it definitely wasn't him laughing his ass off at me.
"Oh, Jasper. Jasper, Jasper, Jasper." He shook his head and laughed some more.
I didn't say anything; I just waited for him to explain to me what was so damn funny.
"You have just learned the hard way to never, ever, tell any woman they are crazy. Because they will do exactly what that Mary woman just did. You know why?"
I shook my head at him.
"Because women are crazy. They just won't admit it."
"How did you figure that out?" I asked with honest curiosity. This felt like a complete insider's look at a woman's mind.
"I found out an even harder way. You go tell Esme she's crazy and if you come back to me without so much as one bruise on you, I'll give you five hundred million dollars." He smirked.
"That bad?"
"Believe me, think about if that caller was in the room with you. Do you think she wouldn't try to throw something at you or toss a few punches and slaps around?"
"I wouldn't put it past her …or the video store girl for that matter …"
"Exactly, because women are crazy."
"All of them?"
"Every single one. Crazy as hell."
That night I was bombarded with nightmare after nightmare of women, mobs of women, chasing me down. I'd always get to the point where they were just about to do away with me and then snap up ramrod straight in bed.
I'd eventually fall back asleep, but a new nightmare would find me. It was always the same storyline, with women chasing me around, but it varied with the weapons they carried. The first time it was pitchforks and torches, then slingshots with rocks, and the craziest one involved tasers and pepper spray.
Stupid, insane women trying to murder me in my sleep...
okie-dokie! so i would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this chapter :)
.
my favorite part:
"Exactly, because women are crazy."
"All of them?"
"Every single one. Crazy as hell."
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Reviews are better than getting yelled at!
(especially when reviewers get a tease)
Love,
Emeleigh