Tali'Zorah vas Normandy stood to one side of the wide corridor, looking out through the viewport at the warped starfield. The Neema was moving - she watched, unseeing, as the elongated blue streaks ahead seemed to stop, crystal white for just a moment as they passed, before leaping back and out of sight in a red blur. Ever the engineer, she dispassionately noticed the parallax shifting and idly tried to calculate their apparent speed; a deeply suppressed part of her looked out at the raw beauty of the stars, and marveled at the vastness of the cosmos. The blasé engineer was all Quarian, the starstruck wonderment all Shepard. It was the early 'morning' of the 1st watch, 14 June 2185.
It had been viciously hard to leave her. Joker had taken his sweet time maneuvering through the Arcturus Stream's numerous facilities, "accidentally" approaching the wrong docks and suffering the most unexplainable comm failures. Tali and Shepard had curled up on the copilot's seat, holding each other for the last time. It was … beautiful, Tali thought. They hadn't said anything to each other at all; they hadn't needed to. At length, the Normandy had found its correct berthing, and been moored in place; the airlock opened, and a squad of Marines had followed the embarrassed looking Ensign who explained, very politely, that Shepard was under arrest, and would he please come with her? His voice almost cracked; Tali thought he must have been fresh out of the Academy.
They were separated inside the facility – Shepard and the human crew of the Normandy were led one direction, and an obsequious little toady was trying to encourage Tali back toward the transit hub. Shepard stopped, looked over at her – her heart leapt in her chest, and she could barely hear through a suddenly deafening roar in her ears.
"Take care of yourself, Miss vas Neema – please send my regards to the fleet." Shepard shook her hand – very professionally. They'd agreed to keep their relationship a secret from their people, for now, and their friends had all agreed. But the reality of it – hearing 'vas Neema' from Shepard's lips – was crushing. She found herself answering, grateful for the warble of her suit speaker; none of the humans would know she was crying.
"Of course, Commander Shepard. May your Ancestors guide you." Shepard's hand tightened on hers; her lover could always tell when something was wrong.
And that had been that. She was asked some questions about her history with the Commander, and what conditions on the Normandy had been like – she said nothing. When it became clear that she wasn't going to say anything to them, the humans had calmly escorted her to the transit hub where a group of Quarians were waiting. They'd known she was coming, and were waiting to take her back to the fleet. As the shuttle departed for the Neema, the others tried to make her feel better; "Back where you belong" said one - "Going home" said others. She had sat alone in the middle of the conversation, saying nothing – she was leaving her home, and she didn't belong anywhere anymore.
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
She was in Shala'Raans quarters, the two of them watching Shepard's preliminary hearing together. The commentators were accusing her of the most shocking things – the human media outlets were stringing all of her activities over the past few months into some kind of Cerberus plot. One even branded her an anti-alien extremist, which sent Tali into paroxysms of laughter – Ancestors, if only they knew.
The prosecuting team – the Batarian government had sent an envoy to press their charges against Shepard – made its case. She watched in dismay as they laid out a convincing chain of evidence that suggested Shepard was a human extremist, a Cerberus terrorist, and a cold-blooded killer. She knew better, of course – knew that Shepard could be ruthless when needed, but she wasn't the bloodthirsty mass-murderer they were making her out to be. Then the final link in the chain – they brought up her military service record from Torfan.
Over the next twenty minutes, as the prosecution gleefully showcased her performance there, Tali sank into her seat. She'd never asked about Shepard's past, or what she'd done before they met; their private conversations had been about their immediate plans and missions, or sleepy pillow-talk. Jokes and personal anecdotes, long stories about their homes; she'd never known that her lover was the most famous almost-war-criminal in the Alliance, never connected the instant wariness whenever Shepard introduced herself with the Butcher of Torfan.
She let the words from the screen wash over her and lost herself in memory, trying to understand the woman who was suddenly a stranger to her. The casual way she'd let Garrus get his violent revenge; the deaths of Miranda's betrayer, the Spectre on Illium, that wretched Nassana woman and her sister. Thousands of mercenaries, dead at her hands; Ancestors, hundreds of thousands of Batarians – soldiers and colonists. Snippets of conversation echoed in her mind as she watched helmet-cam footage of Torfan – then-lieutenant Shepard was already an efficient soldier, and Tali could see the start of her now-customary fluid gracefulness.
"… do your goddamn jobs, both of you!"
"… always get to have all the fun, Garrus – I never get to be the one pulling the trigger."
"I don't want to have to make the choice between you and the mission …"
"I get the job done, regardless of who gets hurt … I'll leave every one of these people – friends and crew – to die…"
"… did what you had to do, and got the job done. I'm proud of you."
"… learned that no one is going to come for me … the mission always comes first …"
"Death is my job … most of the time, I'm very good at it …"
"I get the job done, regardless of who gets hurt."
Tali wrapped her arms around herself, shaking. She'd been so lost in lust, love, wonderment - she hadn't seen. She'd watched Shepard leave rubble and carnage in her wake, but she'd never brought up her concerns, never suggested that there might be another way. Garrus had been hesitant, she suddenly remembered – Shepard had gradually burned out the C-SEC training from him, taught him to be as ruthless as herself. Who are you, Shepard? Tali thought, desperately. Who am I going to become?
/ - / - / - / -
She'd excused herself from Auntie Raan's, and was curled up on her little bed. The fleet was as cramped as ever, but it felt claustrophobic to her now. She'd experienced the width of the galaxy, slept on a bed as wide as this room, and against all reason had gotten used to coming "home" and unsealing her suit. Now, her narrow bed felt like little more than a bench, her private room – an almost unheard of luxury for an unmarried crewman – a broom closet, and her suit a prison. She laughed bitterly, recalling how vast and empty the Normandy had seemed, how poorly she slept on the so-quiet ship. Now, the noises of the crew were loud through the bulkheads, and her sleeping was worse than ever.
She lay on her bed, idly scrolling through the extranet feeds. Most were breathless accounts of Shepard's hearing, talking-heads debating the rightness of her actions. One slightly concerned pundit noted that Shepard had said nothing in her own defense thus far; she'd only smiled serenely to the cameras and watched the circus unfold. The galaxy seemed obsessed with what it all meant.
The little chime distracted her from the steady stream of bad news - an email from Garrus asking for a vid conference the next day. She agreed instantly.
/ - / - / - / -
"Hey there, Tali. Watching the hearing coverage?"
"Yeah – I'm not sure what to think."
"Don't worry, I'm sure Shepard has a plan – besides, Anderson and Hackett have her back. She'll be fine."
Tali smiled "Garrus, are you worried about me? I'll be okay too, you know."
"Of course! But I figured if I was lonely, you must be feeling it even worse." He looked around conspiratorially, then leaned close to the display. "How are you holding up?"
She rolled her head, exasperation leaking into her voice. "Please. I was a big girl before I met Shepard, you know. I'm doing fine."
He leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. "Uh-huh. You miss her, don't you?"
A sigh. "Yes, Ancestors help me, I miss her a lot." Tali looked up at him, cocking her head to the side. "Garrus – did you know?"
"About what?"
"About Torfan, you idiot."
Uncomfortable silence as he scratched at his mandibles.
"You did know! You knew who she was and didn't tell me?"
"How was I supposed to know that you didn't? She was famous before she became the first human Spectre, and I thought you already knew. When I realized you didn't … I didn't want to say anything. You were coming out of your shell, really getting the hang of being on the crew. I didn't want to say anything that would change your opinion of Shepard."
Turians were hard to read, Tali realized – she couldn't tell if Garrus was embarrassed or ashamed. She pressed the advantage anyway. "When did you find out that I didn't know?"
He grunted. "When we were waiting for Saren to surface the first time, and Shepard took that job for the Blake woman – the crime bosses? You were so shocked when Shepard didn't just arrest her on the spot."
Tali nodded – she remembered the moment well. It had been one of the first eye-opening experiences that Shepard had given her, an object lesson in earning favors. Looking back, Tali could even see where Shepard had been cunning, how she had arranged things for her best advantage. End the people selling the drugs, clean up the organization, refocus their energy into less-destructive channels – most importantly she had Helena Blake for a pretty big favor. Tali found herself nodding along with each point – that favor had come in handy back on Omega. Garrus' sharp eye caught it.
"I can see you agreeing with it all over again, you know." He leaned in, tipping his head in curiosity. "How are you feeling about it all? You've been … with her for a while now, seen how she works – do you think she's the psychopath they're making her out to be?"
She sighed and hugged herself tight, rubbing her hands over her upper arms. "I … I don't know, anymore. When we were right there, in the thick of it with her? It all seemed so right, like there was no other choice. But now – I watched the helmet video from Torfan, and she executed those prisoners, Garrus." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I feel like I don't even know her."
He sat forward, a frown lowering his jaw. "Hey – don't second guess yourself, or her. I used to do that all the time – especially at the beginning, when I was still technically C-SEC.".
"Yes – I was remembering, earlier, how you used to disagree with some of her methods; after everything today, I started to think that she'd corrupted you."
"Not likely!" he laughed "I was so angry at C-SEC, all the time – too many rules, too many regs preventing me from doing what needed to be done! She freed me from that." He gestured with a hand "The whole galaxy rests on a complex system of laws, but the dirty little secret is that it needs people who break the rules - like Shepard - to get anything done. She's made some hard choices, but if you stop and ask yourself - would you or I do things differently? I bet the answer is 'no'."
"I don't know. The Council never seemed to approve of her methods."
He made a dismissive sound "They don't know about the collectors, and they think Reapers are a Prothean fairy tale. They didn't talk to Sovereign and Harbinger, or watch Saren re-animate into a husk, or any of the impossible things that Shepard has had to deal with." He cocked his head slightly. "Besides - they upheld her Spectre status when she came back. Even if they didn't believe her, they knew they needed her. And why would they create the Spectre's in the first place if they didn't recognize the need for them?"
Tali smiled slightly at his impassioned speech. "You'd have made a good Spectre yourself, you know."
"Not while they've got Shepard to compare me to. But I'm serious, Tali – deadly serious. I was on my own after her death, and I chose to make my way to Omega to die." He waved off her concern. "No, hear me out. I did some brutal things there, and I've killed hundreds in what the law would probably consider cold blood. But each one of them was a murderer, a thief, and a menace. Killing them was the right thing to do – even if it was brutal, it was necessary, and nobody else was going to do it for me. Shepard has done the same thing – what she had to do, every time, when nobody else was going to make the hard choice. I didn't see it at first, but she opened my eyes."
He looked down at her, smiling suddenly. "I know I must sound like I'm either indoctrinated or in love, but it's just the truth. She isn't a cruel woman, Tali – she's just doing what needs to be done, what nobody else will do."
She looked at him curiously. "Even knowing what she's done, you believe that?"
"With all my scarred little heart. She's a good person, doing the best she can for the greatest number of people. This incident with the relay is just the latest example. 300,000 dead, to save trillions of lives and buy the galaxy some precious time to prepare – time that they're squandering, but that's not her fault."
She was looking at Garrus, but not seeing him – lost in old conversations again, she heard Shepard's voice echoing in her mind …
"… I'm releasing her body to her husband … think I won't do everything in my power?"
"… The Ascension is just one ship – we can't risk losing to Sovereign. Focus all fire …"
"… Conrad, listen very carefully: this is not acceptable."
"… get the job done, regardless of who gets hurt …"
"… what are you doing here? Do you know how dangerous this place is, get the hell out!"
"… let him go, and you walk away. Don't be stupid …"
Memories of Shepard's often blunt solutions brought a smile to Tali's lips: she was never what anyone would call polite, or even patient - but no matter how hard the Batarian envoy had tried, Tali simply couldn't believe that her lover was out to take revenge, or serve personal interest. Even Nassana had been a terrible person, and protected by the lax Illium trade laws she'd been untouchable by everyone. But not Shepard.
"Tali? Hello? Are you still with me?"
Shaking herself out of her reverie, she nodded to Garrus. "Yes – I was just reliving some of her less-diplomatic moments in my head."
"And how are you feeling about them?"
She sighed, shrugged a shoulder. "Confused. I can see how bad they must look to the galaxy, but … I remember the terror of Sovereign, and seeing it latching onto the Citadel. When the Destiny Ascension called for help, I remember thinking 'How could anyone choose to sacrifice dozens of ships to save just one'? None of the Admirals of the Flotilla would make that choice. Or the string of petty criminals who have been beaten straight, or at least straighter? Thane's son and a Turian politician, both safe – because Shepard scared a small-time gangster nearly to tears." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I heard what she did to Fist – he wasn't going to let me go. But I was safe, after she killed him, and so were a lot of other people."
Garrus watched her silently.
"I guess it's just a shock. She's been so wonderful to me – and with us, she's so open and patient. But … I can't get the image of her executing those Batarians out of my mind. I can't forget who she is, and what she's done – and I can't help but think that there must have been a better way."
Garrus' voice was gentle. "Sometimes, there isn't another way. Sometimes, someone has to die so that others can live – and someone has to make that decision. It's the hardest one in the galaxy, and she's made it dozens, hundreds of times over. I don't envy that."
"Me either."
She sat in silence after disconnecting with Garrus, trying to understand what he'd been telling her. It felt like she'd known Shepard forever, but there were long blank spots - the two years she was dead, the time after meeting her on Freedom's Progress; the time she got locked up by her own people. That one felt like the longest blank in her life.
She hated being robbed of sleep.
Garrus had some good points, she was forced to concede - he'd had a kind of deep-down contact with the worst the galaxy had to offer that Tali had managed to avoid. And yet, it was all too convenient - he was too firmly in Shepard's camp to offer her any kind of help. A slow smile dawned as she realized exactly who she needed to talk to. A few quick keystrokes, then she could relax.
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
She'd made some excuse for leaving in such a hurry a few days ago, and was back at Auntie Raan's quarters. Being an Admiral had some privileges – like a large enough space to have a sitting area. They were again watching the news feeds of the hearing, sitting next to each other. The Alliance JAG officers were rebutting some of the Batarian charges – at the moment, they were showing excerpts of Shepard's after-action testimony in the Torfan Incident.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Raan's voice started Tali, who had been watching attentively.
"T-talk about what?"
"Tali – I practically raised you. You don't think I can feel the tension coming from you?"
Tali looked over, realizing that Auntie Raan had been watching her instead of the vid screen. "No, I don't particularly want to talk about it."
There was a note of sympathy in Raan's voice "You didn't know, did you?"
Tali gasped. "But you did?! Keelah, I'm the only one in the galaxy who didn't know!"
Raan held her hands up. "Easy, Tali – easy. Think about this. Does knowing what she did in the past change anything about what she did for you?"
Tali sat a moment. "No, Auntie – I spoke with another member of Shepard's crew, who had much the same to say. He admires her – says the galaxy needs people like her in order to get anything done. I think …" Tali's lips quirked, remembering the times they'd visited the Fleet. "… that she'd make a terrible Quarian, but I have to admit that I am amazed at what she's achieved. And to be honest, if I'd known how productive it can be to knock heads together before I left for my Pilgrimage …"
"I've had the same thought ever since witnessing her display at your trial. If only I could yell at the other admirals during our meetings …"
The two burst into giggles together. It was the 21 June 2185.
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
"Staff Commander Shepard, please rise."
She stood easily to her feet, assuming a precise parade rest. After two weeks of hearings, her dress uniform was starting to feel less foreign but she still missed the sure footing her boots gave. She resisted all urge to look up along the gallery railing, instead carefully arranging her face into the peaceful smile she'd worn every day in this courtroom. It hurt to smile like this, knowing that every second brought the Reapers closer, that every day wasted examining her past was one less day spent preparing for what was coming.
"This Board has sat in recess, and we have reached a preliminary conclusion. Have you anything else to add before this Board renders its findings?"
She blinked – echoes of her past hammering at her mind. "Just one thing, sir – I did what I had to do."
Her JAG Advocate nudged her, gesturing with his head to the bench. At Shepard's look of confusion, he hissed under his breath. "The Board asked if we were ready to hear their decision, not if you had anything to add!"
She cleared her throat. "My apologies, sir, I misheard you."
There was muttering in the gallery – muted whispering. She could almost feel her eyes pulling upward, desperately wanting to look them all in their sneering faces. She took a deep, calming breath.
"Very well. This Board, having heard the arguments from both sides, has found insufficient evidence to continue to trial …" The courtroom erupted. Shepard kept her smile fixed, desperately trying not to break into a grin. The gavel was pounding, echoing around the small room as the spectators in the gallery traded urgent whispers and shouted curses down into the room below. Bailiffs appeared and started rounding people up – there was a thrumming energy in the crowd, spilling over the railing. Even the Board looked affected by it, turning to give each other significant glances or glaring up into the milling crowd.
At length, order prevailed – the loudest spectators were ejected bodily, and the extra dozen bailiffs took up positions along the railing and at the doors. The gavel pounded once, twice, before the Judge continued. "This Board, having heard the arguments from both sides, has found insufficient evidence to continue to trial – and we hereby absolve Commander Shepard of any criminal liability in the matter of the Bahak Relay."
Silence. Shepard could feel her smile starting to slip – a quiet instinct warned that there was more to come.
"However – we do find sufficient evidence that Commander Shepard violated her oath of office by knowingly associating herself with a terrorist organization, and that she has acted in a manner unbecoming an officer of the Sol Systems Alliance."
He took a breath, looking around the room as if daring another loud eruption.
"For conduct unbecoming an officer and aiding a terrorist organization, this Board hereby relieves Ms. Shepard of her rank and duties. She will be processed for indefinite military detention, and held under house arrest on Earth."
Shepard felt her smile fade as her world collapsed around her. Relieved of rank and duties. Butcher. Indefinite house arrest. Murderer. She kept her head up, looking ahead.
"Ms. Shepard – step forward."
She moved forward, stood in the middle of the courtroom. She kept her eyes fixed on the large Systems Alliance crest on the wall behind the Board as the bailiffs approached. With practiced ease, they stripped off the rank stripes on her epaulettes, pulled off the pips on her sleeves, took her service cap and dog tags. It took less than 30 seconds before she stood in an overly long blue and black suit that was no longer a uniform.
"Ms. Shepard, you are remanded to military custody until such time as you are deemed fit to release. This court is adjourned."
Cold. She had to be cold. This had to be no different than being officially dead, working with Cerberus, being a Spectre but not an officer. Cold – everything was so cold. Her implants ached fiercely as she was escorted out of the courtroom. She felt the heat from the camera-drone lights, but heard nothing of the shouted questions, none of the noise of the suddenly too-close crowd. She kept staring ahead, saying nothing, moving mechanically. Cold. She'd been a marine all her life, and now she was nothing.
When she looked up, she was sitting alone on the edge of a double bed. None of the lights were on inside, and the only illumination came from the reflected city-lights below her. She stood, feeling her muscles and implants aching from too much time sitting rigidly immobile, and walked stiffly to the window. She was several floors up, looking out over the Alliance campus in whatever city this was. She turned to explore the rest of her 'apartment', which didn't take long - her bedroom suite connected to a small sitting / living area with a kitchenette, and a very short entry way. She noticed that her door's holographic display was orange – out of habit, she went to bring up her omni tool and found that missing, too. Instead, she pressed on the panel. It chimed, then turned green and opened – onto the unsmiling face of a young marine, in service uniform and carrying his sidearm.
"Ma'am – did you need something?"
"No, Corporal – just exploring. Carry on."
"Very good, ma'am." He stepped back, and the door slid shut; the panel reverted to orange.
The only thing of interest in the tiny apartment was the computer – tucked against one wall, it bore a large warning declaring in 8 languages that all activities conducted from the computer would be monitored. She threw it away, and sat down again on the bed. It was 30 June, 2185.
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
Tali rolled over in her sleep, idly slapping at the source of the quiet chiming that had woken her. When it cut off, she let out a soft sigh and started to roll back over.
"Good morning, Tali."
With a squeak, she rolled away from the noise, instinctively reaching for the grip of the shotgun that wasn't there anymore. She blinked, running a morning-stimulant routine on her suit by touch - Liara T'Soni looked amused on the vid screen over her cramped desk.
"Oh - good morning Liara. Sorry, I didn't know you were calling."
"That's alright - I'm sorry for waking you. I got your message - do ... do you want to talk?"
Tali flopped down on the edge of her bed fully awake, the stims and subharmonics doing their job quickly. "No, but I think I need to." She looked up at Liara with a searching look.
Liara nodded, her wide eyes full of compassion. "Yes - I was very sorry to hear about Shepard. I know that you and she were still in the beginnings of love – to have that taken away must be brutal."
Tali flinched, unconsciously rubbing at the metal still on her wrists. "Thank you. It's been a rough time out here; missing her, and reliving our time together - then seeing her hearings."
"Oh, yes - I can imagine. I, too, watched her hearings – I am relieved that the Alliance isn't so foolish as to press for a court-martial, but relieved of duty is bad enough!" She was almost indignant. "I hope that something can be done, and soon, but I fear that even my influence may not be enough. I've contacted Admirals Hackett and Anderson, and I'll let you know what they have to say."
"Thank you. I'm certain that you've got more influence here than I do, and I appreciate anything you can do for her."
"But that's not why you wrote to me, is it?"
A sigh. "No. I ... didn't know about Torfan. And now I do, and I don't know what to think. She's still Shepard, still the woman who ..." she flushed suddenly, shifting on the bed "... fell in love with me, who made me feel special. But at the same time, she's also the Butcher."
Liara watched her, evaluating. She'd learned a lot about how to read people - she smiled slightly in remembrance; Shepard had been the first to teach her.
"I learned who she was shortly after joining the Normandy, at Therum?" Tali nodded; Liara continued "I was deeply curious about our leader, and I dug through the news archives looking for personal information. At first, I was appalled – I'd just seen her blast me out of a Prothean ruin by destroying half of it, then kill a Krogan Battlemaster and a handful of Geth like it was an everyday afternoon for her. She seemed very dangerous to me, the archetypal impatient human."
Tali smiled. "Yes - Wrex was so furious that he missed that mission."
"Well, Wrex was constantly spoiling for a fight in those days - I'm glad that he's settled a little. At any rate, I got to know Shepard – we talked during her rounds, and on missions, and I grew to realize that she wasn't the fanged monster the news had made her out to be. She can be very cold, and very blunt – In fact, I don't think I ever saw her exercise finesse if force was an option..." they shared a look, smiling "... but in everything she did, I saw a spark of goodness. Every decision – even the painful choice to leave the Destiny Ascension, and the council – has been the best choice she could make at the time, with what she knew and in her circumstances. I haven't always agreed with her – we'd have rows about it sometimes, which I never won – but I was very naïve back then."
Liara laughed quietly, shaking her head. "I'm sorry - I'm suddenly not sure how much any of this will help you. You said Garrus approves, and you sounded like you wanted another viewpoint - but Shepard converted me too. I wouldn't have been able to recover her body, or give her to Cerberus, or build my career as an information broker without the lessons she taught me; lessons of strength, of self-reliance, of crushing her enemies."
Tali shook her head, laughing in spite of herself. "Well, it's true - I was hoping that if anyone on the crew could provide a different opinion of her, it would be you - but you're just as bad as Garrus!"
A delicate sniff. "I am not as bad as Garrus, thank you. But I can see the similarities between them: the Turian military philosophy is to completely destroy an enemy's ability to fight back, as quickly as possible. They end wars - and save lives - by brutally destroying their enemy's infrastructure; Shepard has won her battles and saved hundreds if not thousands of lives the same way."
"So ... what you're saying is that she did the right thing on Torfan? That you agree with her decisions?"
She scrubbed a hand over the deep blue ridges over her ear. "Not all of them, Tali - but for the most part, yes. I was younger when she and I disagreed so vehemently - I thought there was always another way. Since being on my own, I've come to learn that the other way is usually worse, bloodier, or stupider. Her actions on Torfan saved the lives of many of the soldiers behind her. She sacrificed her own unit to preserve them - it was a heroic action, but she carries the stigma of it wherever she goes."
Tali nodded. "Thank you - for explaining."
"You're very welcome. I suppose I need to wrap this up – you just wanted a friendly opinion, not a dissertation! Old habits die hard, I'm afraid." Liara smiled again. "Ultimately, I trust Shepard with my life, with the lives of my friends and family and loved ones. I believe whole-heartedly in her. You may remember that I melded with her after the Prothean beacons – Tali, I've seen into her mind, into every dark crevasse and hidden place. There is no remorse in her, but no malice either. She's an incredible person – perhaps the only one who gives our poor galaxy any hope."
Liara let them sit in silence for a few moments, giving Tali time to think and process before she spoke again. "Thank you for reaching out to me - I don't know if I've ever told you, but I consider you something like a sister that I never had. I ... would like very much if we could stay friends, and stay in touch."
Tali looked up quickly. "Of course! I'll write whenever I can. And thank you, for this ... for everything. You're a good friend."
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
It was the 2nd of July when Shepard next attempted to leave her apartment. She paged the door, then stood awkwardly waiting. She paged it again, and was about to slam it a third time when it finally switched green and slid open. The previous guard had gone – in his place was a hulking marine in undress grey's. Shepard's eyes went up, and up – she was tall, but he stood at least 2 meters, and had to mass over 120 kilos. His arms bulged obscenely, and each was decorated with tattoos. He saluted crisply.
"Good morning, Commander."
She stood still, evaluating. "You're not supposed to call me commander, marine. Or salute."
His rough face broke into a sunny smile. "Not supposed to do a lot of things, Commander – but I do 'em. Name's Vega, ma'am, James Vega. Admiral Anderson pulled me off colony security duty for this assignment."
Her tone was dry "I'm so dangerous I rate my own guard? I'm flattered."
He looked left and right, as if afraid someone would be watching, before leaning in a bit and trying to whisper. "Uh, not exactly ma'am. See, I'm a fan of yours from way back, and Anderson knew it. The publicity's starting to die down – he figured you might want a friendly face at the door." He gestured over himself with one hand – in undress grey uniform, and without his sidearm, he didn't look like he was guarding a prisoner.
"Well, you certainly don't look like you're guarding a nuke – unlike the last kid. So, Vega, I guess you can stay. If Anderson's pulling favors for me, any chance I can leave soon?"
He looked sheepish, scrubbing his hand over his short hair. "Uh, no ma'am – he didn't mention anything about that to me. I think that you're probably going to be here a while. At the very least, I can escort you around the campus – don't have to stay cooped up in there all day long."
Shepard sighed, nodding. House arrest, indefinite detention – she wasn't part of the Alliance, she reminded herself. The twitch of pain that memory brought up was a precious reminder.
"Well marine, I'm famished and that kitchenette is useless unless it comes with P-rations. Point me toward the mess hall and I'll try not to get too far ahead."
He smiled again. "Great! Come with me, ma'am, I know just the place."
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
"May I join you, Miss vas Normandy?"
Tali looked up into Liara's smiling face. "Of course, Doctor T'Soni. The view is lovely."
Liara gathered her narrow skirt to one side as she sat on the wide bench overlooking the Presidium Gardens on the Citadel. They sat in companionable silence, watching the people strolling past and basking in the reflected nebula-scatter.
With a relaxed sigh, Tali slumped down. "I don't know how you managed to arrange this – and I don't want to. It's good to be back here." Liara smiled, ducking her head.
"Thank you, Tali – It did take a little bit of 'arranging' to make sure the Drive Core Engineering Conference happened here instead of on Etanni, but it was worth it. I've missed seeing you, you know."
"Same! Garrus has vanished into the Turian Hierarchy – I can only hope that he's being listened to. And since I was never very close with the rest of the crew, I've been ... well, I've been lonely. It's good to have a friend from the old days, who understands."
"I do understand what you're going through – now, more than ever. I sometimes feel like you and Feron are my only outlets! But you were with Shepard's crew for months – you didn't make any other friends there?"
"My friends on the new Normandy were all human, and have all gone back to earth. Although …" she looked up suddenly. "I think I remember Thane Krios retiring here. I might look him up before I go back to the fleet."
"Good! If you and he were even on friendly terms, you could probably offer each other some solace about now. Shepard tends to inspire fierce loyalties – Thane might be feeling her loss almost as keenly as you."
Tali laughed bitterly. "No offense, but I doubt it. I can't stop thinking about her, worrying about her – I check my messages every 15 minutes, even though I know there's no way they'll give her access to a computer; I dream of her almost every night." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I don't really have anyone else to tell this to, Liara …" Tali looked over, a pleading look in her eyes.
Liara nodded. "You and she had a very passionate relationship – I can't imagine that it's easy to go from that to being so suddenly alone."
"Exactly!" she leaned forward, head in her hands. "I … don't laugh … I remember her touch, and her smell – she smelled like musk and ozone and overheated metal after being groundside, but she always smelled of cinnamon when she'd cleaned up." She was fidgeting with her hands "And she was so soft – so patient with me."
Liara gently touched her shoulder, causing Tali to look up into her sympathetic eyes. "I understand, my friend – my sister, I hope. I saw what you two had together; what you will have again, I'm sure of it."
"I hope so, Liara. I feel like I'm going crazy without her." She sighed deeply. "It doesn't help that I'm trapped on the fleet. You, though …" Tali snorted a laugh. "You can come and go as you please."
Liara looked over at her friend, a small frown on her features. "It's not quite that easy, you know – even for me. I have certain … duties, and it's hard for me to get away."
"Psh! You're the …" Tali stopped herself, coughing unsubtly. "… an excellent information broker. How could you be stuck? You have the whole galaxy at your disposal."
"Not … exactly. My ship isn't quite spaceworthy – so any time I want to travel, I need to leave via short-range shuttle, which means attaching to a regular vessel. And the more I come and go, the more likely I am to attract attention. So in a way, I am even more constrained than you are – as a Quarian, nobody notices when you leave or return to the Flotilla." She sighed, turning her hands over in defeat. "As always, I am bound by my responsibilities."
Tali turned on the bench, facing Liara a bit more directly. "Is that why you couldn't come with us to the collectors? Because you were trapped by your responsibilities?"
"What!? Tali, where did that come from? You know I wanted to join you."
"But you didn't!" she stood, pacing the length of the bench. "When we came to Illium, you were so focused on finding Feron, finding the …" she stopped and looked around. "… him. You could have come with us, but you stayed there. I … want your friendship, Liara – I need a sister I can confess to, someone who will understand. But I need to know why you didn't come with us."
Liara sat very still, watching Tali with narrowed eyes. "When Shepard died, I was devastated. I think … I think that I had a crush on her, of a sort." She held up a hand, stalling Tali. "Had, I said. I threw myself into my work, and in time I learned about Shepard's body. The collectors wanted it – the Shadow Broker had it, and was going to sell it to them. I did … things, Tali, things that I'm not proud of, things that Shepard would have seen the necessity of. I left a friend, Feron, to death or worse because it was more important to get Shepard out."
Tali sat back down, wringing her hands; Liara continued, watching her closely. "I gave – GAVE – Shepard to Cerberus, because I knew that of all the interests in the galaxy competing for her, they had the resources and the ambition to bring her back. I was in touch with Miss Lawson every step of the way. When they did it – when they woke her up – I was overjoyed. Shepard was back, and I had helped! I felt like I had finally done something right."
She sighed, leaning her head back and closing her eyes momentarily. When they reopened, she was staring into the blue 'sky' over the presidium. "I kept in touch with Miss Lawson. That's how I knew she was coming to Illium, it's how I knew the details about her mission. I'd heard dozens of reports from the places she'd been, of course, but it was Miranda feeding me details. How angry Shepard was. How callous she'd become; how deeply she resented Cerberus. When we spoke on Illium, I realized exactly how much she hated her own resurrection. She'd died a hero, Tali – and I brought back a monster. She was undead, unhappy, bitter about her treatment by the Alliance. I hadn't ever considered that part."
Tali leaned forward, resting a hand on Liara's knee; all anger had gone from her voice. "But she wasn't, Liara – she didn't resent you, she never blamed you for what you did. I guess … looking back, I can see that she would have agreed with your decisions. You did what you had to do, just like she's always done." Her voice trembled, the weight of the conversations with Liara and Garrus coming together, solidifying for her. You do what you have to do. If nothing else, she could carry on her lovers' motto. With a firmer voice, she took Liara's hands in hers.
"You did what nobody else would do, Liara, and I finally understand what that means. You brought Shepard back – you gave her a chance." She smiled, looking for understanding in Liara's eyes. "Do you understand what you've done for me? As miserable as I am without her, I wouldn't give up the time she and I had. You gave me that."
Liara smiled gently, squeezing Tali's hands. "Thank you for saying so. But I didn't feel that way at the time. All I could feel was how deeply I'd betrayed her trust, how much I'd helped hurt her. Every time I saw her, I wanted to drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness; I knew I needed to atone somehow, so I chose to go back to the beginning. Feron and I, and how I'd left him to the Broker." She shrugged a shoulder, sighing. "And in the end, I didn't even do that. Shepard came riding in to my rescue, just like before. She gave me the Broker, gave me Feron – and she forgave me, Tali. That night, on the Normandy – I finally felt at peace with my decision."
"Well, good. I'm sorry for the pain you went through, Liara –and I'm sorry I ever doubted you. Can you forgive me … sister?"
A gentle laugh, the tension draining out of her. "Yes, I think so – if you and Shepard can forgive me, I suppose I can forgive you." Liara leaned in, a mischievous smile on her face. "Now tell me – what are those little bulges at your wrist, and do I want to know why you have them?"
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
58 …
59 ...
60.
With a grunt of satisfaction, Shepard dropped from the door frame and massaged her arms. She'd been relieved of duty for 3 months so far, but she'd be damned if she was going to lose her trim. She'd taken to doing calisthenics morning and night: pullups on the doors' narrow frame, pushups on the cold kitchenette floor, situps until her abs ached. Lately she'd added combat rolls around the apartment, and cover fire drills around the chairs and coffee table. She'd felt pretty clever about that – naturally, Vega chose that moment to come in wondering what the hell was going on. That had been an embarrassing conversation until he came back the next day with training weapons.
It was the 24th of September 2185. They trained together nearly every week now.
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
Shala'Raan stood impatiently, hands on her hips. "Well?"
"Auntie Raan, I … I don't know what to say."
"Say yes, you silly girl! Your father was a respected member of the Admiralty Board, and you're being offered his seat! You say 'Yes, Auntie Raan, I'll accept this position' and then we go see the Board to make the announcement."
"But … but why? I'm just a girl, what do I know about being an Admiral?"
"For one thing, you served under Commander Shepard. That woman had an incredible fire – if you paid attention at all, you've already absorbed more than you think and you'd be a better admiral than most."
Tali crossed her arms over her chest, annoyance creeping into her voice. "I hope there's another reason."
"Yes, there is – you are an expert on the Geth, and we need that expertise at the highest levels right now."
A surge of fear shot through her – could they have found out about the meetings? Or … or could they be bearing fruit? She needed to talk with Koris.
"Uh, thank you and everything – but I need to think about it before I can make a decision."
Raan shook her head. "No, Tali'Zorah – there is no time. The Board is at a crossroads, and we need your knowledge of the Geth to make any progress. We can't keep wandering the stars forever, and there is a considerable feeling among the people that we need to find a home."
Tali tried to keep her voice calm. "I'd be more than happy to lend my advice and expertise to the Board, Auntie Raan – but to actually become an Admiral? That seems like a big step."
"It's a step you're more than ready for!" Raan leaned in, gesturing to make her point. "You're the daughter of Rael'Zorah. You've been outside in the Galaxy more than any of us – I'm ashamed to admit it, but we've become extremely insular, and you've broken past that. You served with Shepard, fought the Geth, and lived to tell the tale. Kal'Reegar has had nothing but praise for you since your mission to Haestrom – and to tell the truth, you're something of a celebrity to the fleet. Having you on the Admiralty Board would galvanize those old fools, and help connect us to the people. Tali, please – we need you."
She hung her head, sighing deeply. "Okay, Auntie Raan – I'll take the appointment."
/ - / - / - / -
When Tali finally slipped into her quarters, the console was already chiming an incoming message. Taking two quick steps, she slapped at it. "What!"
Liara blinked down at her. "Well, hello to you too!"
"Liara! I'm sorry, I just had a very long day."
"Yes, I heard. I'm calling to congratulate you, in fact, on your appointment." She grinned at Tali's obvious confusion. "I won't chide you for not telling me before I found out on my own – that would just be unfair! – but congratulations none the less."
"How did … ? Who …?"
"Now Tali, you know I won't tell you."
She grinned, spreading her arms wide. "I wouldn't dream of exposing your agents, my dear sister. Apparently I haven't been sharing enough juicy details for you?" They giggled together for a moment, before Tali continued. "If you really wanted, you could 'arrange' another conference on the Citadel, and then we could gossip face to face."
Liara's face fell a bit. "Well – not for a while, at least. I'm afraid I'm also calling to say I'll be indisposed for a little while; a couple of weeks, perhaps longer."
"Is everything okay?"
"Yes – or it will be soon. I've been particularly annoying to the Illusive Man, and Cerberus is finally following its own leads. I've been watching them close in on me, and I think that they'll find their way here before too much longer."
"Oh, Ancestors – Is there anything I can … well, no , there's nothing I can do … are you going to be okay?"
Liara laughed gently. "Yes, little sister – I'll be fine. Feron and I have plenty of time to prepare for them, and we're getting things packed up. We'll leave a little surprise for Cerberus before we leave, but I'll be wandering for a little while. I'm not sure where we'll end up quite yet, but I don't want you to worry."
"Okay. I wish you luck – make sure you kill some of those bosh'tets for me; I have to play politics and miss all the fun."
Liara grinned. "NOW who sounds like Garrus?!"
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
"Admiral Zaal'Koris, may I have a word?"
"Of course, Admiral Tali'Zorah."
They casually strolled away from the others at the inauguration party, leaning their heads together in deep conversation.
"Koris – how are the talks coming?"
He let out a breath. "When they brought you on, I thought for sure they'd found out – but nobody has said anything. At any rate, they go slowly. We can agree that each is a sentient race and deserving of life and home, but we both seem to feel that Rannoch is home. We've spent the last month negotiating a DMZ around the home system as a prelude to a full Quarian return."
Tali's eyes went wide. "That's wonderful! Admittedly, though, I don't know why they brought me onto the Board."
They both looked up as Admiral Xen approached, trying not to look guilty. "Admiral Xen – Zorah and I were just talking about her appointment."
"Huh? Oh, yes! Yes, I'm very honored but I'm admittedly confused. I'm not sure why I was chosen for this, and the curiosity is driving me crazy."
Admiral Xen cocked her head to the side, looking them both over. "You're the best expert on the Geth that the entire fleet has. You've faced them in combat, you've studied their communications, their thought processes – if memory serves, you've actually spoken with some of them. You know more about the Geth than even me – and I don't say that lightly." Tali shifted uncomfortably, aware that Xen had been the reigning expert until recently.
"Thank you, Admiral Xen – that's quite a compliment, coming from you. But unless we're thinking about open conflict with the Geth, I'm not sure what my expertise will be worth."
She leaned forward, conspiratorially. "Oh, you'll see very soon – your first meeting as a member of the Admiralty Board is next week."
Zaal'koris and Tali'Zorah exchanged a very uneasy glance.
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
A deep chime filled the air, and the Admirals moved toward their seats. Tali walked among them, in a brand-new environment suit, trying to control her breathing. She barely heard the ritual words that opened the meeting – she was half a beat behind everyone else to nod her head, or take her seat. Shala'Raan spoke.
"This Board will come to order. We extend greeting to our newest addition, whom you met last week: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya, daughter of the late Admiral Rael'Zorah. She comes to us having studied command with the Human 'Commander Shepard', and with over 45 separate combat encounters with the Geth." Raan looked around the table as Tali squirmed in her seat – she was aware of the way the others were looking at her. "Obviously, she survived all her encounters. She was part of the ground team at the Battle of the Citadel, she's led dozens of survey and science missions, and she comes highly recommended by the military staff." More nodding.
"Gentlemen – we have an Admiral Zorah sitting among us again, and we now have the resources and experience to reopen the homeworld question."
Tali froze, turning to look at Shala'Raan – 'the homeworld question' couldn't mean ...
"War with the Geth?" she found herself asking. How could her voice be so calm?
Xen leaned forward. "Hardly a war! After your trial, we recovered much of the experimental technology your father was using – we hope to subvert the Geth intelligence and reclaim the homeworld without a fight."
"Bah! This question is barbaric! We created the Geth, and now we must deal with them – like any other sentient race! We must at least attempt to negotiate with them, to see if we can come to a peaceful accord!" Koris was almost pounding the table.
"Impossible!" Garrel was on his feet, looming over the others. "the Geth are a military force to be conquered, nothing more. They're overgrown farm implements, and it's high time that we recovered the homeworld."
The admirals were on their feet, shouting at each other in well-rehearsed arguments. Tali sat, forgotten, at the end of the table getting absolutely furious. They were ignoring her. They'd invited her here to use her expertise – to make war with the Geth? Very carefully, she stood up. She walked around the table, picking her footsteps deliberately – none of the others were watching her – and stood where Raan normally did. She cast an eye over the small console, then casually flicked off the lights. The room plunged into instant darkness.
The argument – incredibly – didn't stop immediately. Garrel was the first to notice; "…recision strike against the … what happened to the lights?"
The others stopped yelling and looked around – shielding their eyes from the sudden blinding flash of Tali's drone behind her. When she was sure that she had their attention, Tali brought the lights back up.
"You … have brought me here to make war on the Geth? To use me to break your deadlock? No. I'm going back to my cabin, and when you're ready to talk about this like leaders instead of children, I'll come back." She stormed out of the council chamber.
She was barely in her seat on her shuttle when she felt the fury drain out of her. She shook, wrapping herself up in her arms and chattering her teeth; she could barely get air, and her suit felt stifling. Keelah Se'lai, how does Shepard do this all the time?
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
When the console chimed, Tali answered quickly. Seeing Liara unharmed and smiling, she breathed a soft sigh. "I'm glad you're alright. It's been weeks since I heard from you. Your message was a little cryptic – what's going on?"
Liara smiled. "Hello to you too, sister. I'm on Mars –" she panned the camera over, showing the windblown red plains out the window behind her. "- in the Sol system."
Tali's heart lurched. "Sol – can you get in to see Shepard? Have you heard from her?"
"No, sadly – she's still under confinement. But Admiral Hackett finally got back to me, and he wanted my help. I'm here at the Mars Archives, looking through centuries of Prothean data. Hackett believes in the Reapers – so does everyone here. We're working to try to find something, anything, we can use against them when they come."
Tali fidgeted with her hands. "I can't believe you're so close to her."
"I'm sorry. If I could see her, or get a message to her, you know that I would. But now I'm well and truly stuck; I'm at the mercy of Alliance military transportation. Feron and the rest of my equipment are on the Citadel – bless him, he's doing the best he can and trying to keep me updated." A deep sigh. "I didn't even realize how used to the constant stream of information I'd gotten."
"Well, here's one data stream, from me to you. I think that very soon, the Flotilla is going to return to Tikkun, in the Veil."
Liara gasped, eyes searching Tali's. "Are you sure?"
"Not yet, but I think it's only a matter of time."
"Why now, for Goddess' sake?!"
"There is a lot of longing in the fleet right now. I guess I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, but the people are tired of being wanderers, tired of never having a home. They want a homeworld, and a good majority of them side with Gerrel in wanting our homeworld." She shrugged. "Ever since I joined the board, it's gotten worse – Raan wanted me on the board to counter Gerrel and Xen, but since I'm the celebrity Geth-killer …" she trailed off, looking to Liara for guidance.
"Yes – I see the problem. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this."
"Me too, but I don't know how to stop it. Liara, if the tide turns – if we go to war – I can't abandon my people. I'll be forced to fight with everything I can." She slumped against the bulkhead, despair radiating from her. "Shepard's in prison, and everything she worked for is falling apart. The crew – scattered. The Krogan are warring on each other, still; the Geth talks are soon to be over. And I'm stuck here."
"Trapped by your responsibilities?" Liara's eyes were serious, but her voice teasing. "I know how difficult this can be, and if you need to talk I'll be here. I'm actually reachable at almost any time now – I'm Doctor T'Soni, noted Prothean scholar. Nobody cares who I talk to. It's … freeing! In a way. I might have to let Feron take over more often." She leaned forward, suddenly serious. "Speaking of whom, when and if the fleet decides to commit to this, make sure you steer purchasing contracts to him. I'll make sure he's got everything you might want and I'll do what I can to save you some money."
"Thanks – and don't stop praying for me, sister dearest. I think I'm going to need it more than ever."
/ - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / - / -
Shepard looked up as the door slid open with a muted hiss. Vega had his hands behind his back, looking sheepish. "Uh, good morning Commander."
She grinned – it had become a ritual with them. "Not supposed to call me that, James. What's behind your back?"
"Should'a known I couldn't keep anything from you." He brought his hands around, cradling a small wrapped box. "I know you grew up in the Colonies, but back here on Earth we've got a winter tradition."
"Yeah – Chrismukkah, or something?"
"Not quite, but close enough. There's a bunch of religious stuff, but the point is that we give gifts." He held up one hand. "Don't worry – I'm not expecting one from you. But you've been cooped up here for almost six months, and I figure you could use something. Go on, take it."
She crossed the room, taking the small package from him. She smiled as she carefully opened it, but her smile turned into a confused frown. She looked up from the silvery bracelet she'd revealed, searching James' face. "Uh, James? I'm flattered and all but you're … not exactly my type."
"What?! No! No, it's nothing like that. It's an omni tool bracelet – latest model from Hahne-Kedar, got a high-end flash-forging minifabricator for making instant ceramic blades."
She relaxed as she turned it over in her hands. "Omni-blade, huh? What will they think of next."
"Dunno, Commander, but it'd better be good." There was an awkward pause; he peered at her as she examined the bracelet. "So, if I'm not your type …"
"It's a nice bracelet, James, and you'll never know how much I appreciate whatever you had to do to get this to me in here, but we are not having this conversation."
He held up his hands defensively. "No! Right – I gotcha. Just curious, is all."
She grinned up at him. "Yeah? Good – keep wondering." She held up the omni-tool. "Seriously, though – thanks for this. Does it have links to the outside world?"
"Yeah, but it's going through my tool. My omni-tool!" he held up his arm, pointing to the matching bracelet. "Technically, you're still under house arrest, but nobody's looking into what I do with my time. I mean, guarding that door gets pretty boring …" he grinned and shrugged one beefy shoulder. "So, as long as you're discrete, you should be okay."
Slipping the bracelet on felt … good. Like she was back where she belonged, like any second she'd be slipping on her armor harness … the smile drained from her face. She wouldn't be putting on her armor. She wouldn't be doing anything except sitting in this room, pointlessly exercising and writing her thoughts down in a futile attempt at explanation. She'd started months ago; writing to Anderson, who believed without really understanding - to Liara, who deserved to know. To Tali, who never knew about her past. Her heart clenched hard when she thought the name; she missed her, very much, but Tali couldn't love her anymore. Who would love the Butcher? Maybe if she explained … she sighed and shook her head, trying to clear her mind.
"Thanks, James – hey, I better get this all set up, okay? Chime the door after the dinner crowd dies down a bit, and we'll get some food."
She looked – defeated, James thought. Like the cat who finally realizes the window won't ever open. "Sure thing, Commander – have fun playing with it."
He was almost to the door before he heard her very soft reply. "Not supposed to call me that, James. Not anymore."
/ - / - / - / -
The December morning dawned cool and crisp. Shepard had been up for hours, plagued by dreams – THE DREAM, again – and unable to ignore the weight of the omni tool bracelet on her wrist. She hadn't tried to get out to the world, had barely even turned it on; after 6 months, she was more than a little afraid of what she'd find.
Instead she'd watched the Vancouver city traffic since waking, wondering why it felt wrong. Vega had reminded her that it was nearly the holidays – that must have been why there were so many ships moving at the spaceport, why it looked like every shuttle on the planet was moving low over the city skyline. Once, she thought she saw the distinctive hull of a cruiser, moving through the clouds – but she blinked, and it was gone. She really needed some sleep, but the sun had been up for hours.
She was leaning against the window, rewriting something on her data pad, when the door hissed open. Vega marched in, stopped, saluted briskly. "Commander."
She frowned – he seemed tense, and he had his sidearm on. Testing the water, she opened with their little ritual.
"Not supposed to call me that, James"
"Not supposed to salute, either." He dropped the salute. "We gotta go – the Defense Committee wants to see you."
Her jaw dropped minutely. 6 months of arrest, and now this? Understanding dawned – the ships, the heavy spaceport traffic. Her stomach dropped out from under her, but she forced herself to stay calm.
"Sounds serious." She copied the data from her pad to her omni tool and tossed it down. Had to stay cold. She jogged out the door and into the stream of purposefully moving troops, her blood pumping hard and strong.
/ - / - / - / -
The wind tousled her hair, cooled the blood on her cheek. The rifle in her hand felt good, heavy, familiar. She shifted, almost on instinct, as the Normandy rocked.
"I'm not going!" Anderson's voice carried across the short gap – his dress jacket was torn at the shoulder, but the rifle in his hands looked like it belonged there. "You saw those men back there – there's a million more like 'em, and they need a leader."
"We're in this fight together!"
"It's a fight we can't win – not without help! We need every species, and all their ships, to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers! You have to talk to the Council – convince them to help us!"
"What if they won't listen?"
"Then make them listen! Now go – that's an order!"
"I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?"
"Consider yourself re-instated … Commander!" he flung her dog tags up to her; she caught them, feeling their solid weight in her hand. She shifted again with the Normandy as she slipped the tags over her head. They settled onto her chest with a quiet clank. "You know what you have to do, Shepard!"
She nodded, chest tight – she was leaving him, probably to die. "I'll be back for you – and I'll bring every fleet I can." They exchanged a glance and she was his XO all over again. "Good luck."
She walked up the ramp as it closed behind her, checking and clearing her rifle by reflex. Rifle in hand, boots on, tags rustling against her shirt. She took a deep breath, tasting the metal tang of recycled air. It was good to be back - very very good. Vega stormed up to her, falling into step behind her.
"What the hell's going on! Where's Anderson!?" She kept walking, testing him. "Hey!"
He failed the test. "We're leaving." She called over her shoulder. She could see a small arming bench up ahead; maybe they had something for her.
"Leaving?!" Vega sounded astonished. "Yeah, what's going on?" Ashley added. Shepard looked over at her – she looked good, fit and ready. Command suited her.
"Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel – get help for the fight."
"Bullshit! He wouldn't order us to leave!"
"He can see what's going on, Vega – without help, this war's already over."
"Then you can drop me off at the nearest depot, because …"
She took one step into his personal space, her hand in his face as she growled at him. "Stuff it, lieutenant! You don't wanna go – we get it. But this isn't a democracy, and in case you hadn't noticed I've been reinstated. We're going to the Citadel. You want out? You can catch a ride back from there."
She watched him storm off, turned to Ashley. "So what's it going to be, Ashley? Are you going to second guess me again, like Horizon? Or are you with me?"
Ashley looked at her, evaluating. "Look, Shepard – I'm sorry. I was wrong on Horizon, and I'm with you a hundred percent now."
They held each other's eyes; Shepard nodded minutely. "Good. Get stowed, you're my XO."
"Aye-Aye, skipper." Shepard returned her salute, and turned to the armory comm panel. It was showing the display of earth retreating behind them; just like her dream. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of Reapers descended toward Earth, speeding through the slowly falling debris; the ash of a dozen cruisers and dreadnoughts settling over the planet below. Too late – too little. Just like her dream, the Earth burned and she couldn't do a god damn thing.
"Commander!"
"Joker, that you?"
"Alive and kicking. Emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett for you."
"Patch it through!"
Panic clenched her heart every time the transmission cut out; Hackett looked like hell, but at least he was alive. "Shepard … sustained heavy losses … nmy force was overwhelming … no way we can defeat them conventionally!"
"Anderson's ordered me to the Citadel, to talk to the council."
"First, I need you …. outpost on Mars, …for we lose control of the system … researching Prothean archives … Dr. T'Soni … may have ... a way to stop the Reapers … ONLY way to stop them! … contact soon. Hackett out!"
"Joker! Set course for Mars, ahead full!"
So. Just like her dream, the Reapers had come and the Earth had fallen. But this time … she smiled, small and fierce. This time, she could fight back.