Chapter 7: Or Your Stupid Sheets

Jamie lost track of who was going where after the show; some people were going straight to the club for Johnny's birthday bash, while Sara, Johnny and Ted went out for a quick Thai dinner before the party. Sara said she couldn't drink heavily on an empty stomach, and drinking heavily was apparently in her plan. Jamie didn't like Thai food anyway, and opted instead to go back to the bus to clean up and change into something more suitable for a party. There was no sign of Tegan or Shaun, so Jamie promised to catch up with the others and went straight to the bus.

The shower on the bus was nothing but a trickle. Jamie stood there, waiting for the listless stream to soak through her hair, reflecting on the last twenty-four hours. All that had happened around her was exhausting, but she had to admit that it was exciting, despite the blood and the tears. And she felt an internal shift, since witnessing the blood-and-tears moment that she never should have witnessed: she was starting to. . . get used to it. The thought of them being together still sent her mind reeling, but the part of her that recoiled from it was gradually eroding away. She was still shocked, yes. But horrified less. And the thought of them together in the hay still made the heat rush from her extremities to her centre.

This thought preoccupied her as she got out of the shower, dried off, and started to dress. With all of these conflicting thoughts rolling through her brain, she had done a very distracted, incomplete job of preparing to shower on the bus, and would, she realized, need to quickly run from the bathroom and back to her bunk wearing only underwear. Comfortable in the knowledge that they were all either at the party already or at the restaurant, she stepped out of the bathroom, quickly, and met Tegan's two black eyes with hers.

She may or may not have screamed as she quickly stepped back into the bathroom and closed the door. Shit! She said to herself, horrified. Fucking fuck! She picked up a towel and clutched it to her chest. Too little, too late!

"Oh—sorry Jamie!" she heard Tegan's voice from outside, coming closer. There was an apology in her voice, and there was laughter. "Hey, Jamie, haha. . ." Tegan laughed, her voice now just on the other side of the door. Jamie stood on her side, frozen.

"I'm really sorry!" she said again.

"Uh – it's – not your fault," Jamie stumbled.

"Don't be embarrassed, okay?" Tegan said through the door. Jamie stepped away from the door.

"Haha. . . right," she said, her face burning. Oh God.

"No, really, don't worry about it! We're all girls," Tegan said. Jamie's embarrassment stopped her laughter. What difference did that make? And we're all gay! she thought of saying, but didn't.

"Yeah, so I'm just going to stay in the bathroom for the rest of the night so. . . say happy birthday to Johnny for me,' Jamie said with a little nervous laugh.

"Nooooo, you have to come!" Tegan protested. "Look, I'll show you my tits too, if it will make you feel better. Then we'll be even!"

Oh God. Jamie covered her eyes with one hand, still clutching the towel as if it could retroactively remove the memory from Tegan's eyes. Sure, that sounds fair, Jamie thought, but didn't say it. "Come on, you have nothing to be embarrassed about! You have a hot body! You're a sexy motherfucker!"

"Okay!" Jamie said quickly, as the conversation was only making it worse. "Um, I'll come out and get dressed but I will, um, maybe wait for you to leave first?" she said timidly.

"Okay, but promise you'll come, okay?" Tegan asked, sounding sorry enough to make Jamie sorry too.

"It's okay," Jamie said. "I'll get over it. Or just live in here, forever. . ."

"Okay," Tegan laughed. "I'll just shove some food under the door from time to time."

"Thanks," Jamie said.

"Pineapple yogurt?"

"Great."

"Okay. See you at the party!" She heard Tegan's footsteps leave and then the bus door clicking shut. After a moment more of paralysing mortification, she forced herself out of the bathroom, this time completely protected by a towel, got dressed quickly, and left for the party.

...

It was a good party; all of the band was there, and all of the crew; friends of the band and crew; many fans. They had booked a small club and it was a closed party, so there was a lot of noise, a lot of alcohol, a lot of action. The energy was good; the band and crew felt the change between the twins; Sara's anger had largely subsided: she was subdued, and somewhat apologetic. Tegan, both eyes purple and blue, seemed happier than she had been in weeks. It was a shift that must have seemed inexplicable to those who had not witnessed the cathartic battle between them. That is, to everyone but Jamie. She recalled Tegan's words from weeks earlier: I'll forgive you, Sara! All you have to do is be sorry! It was true, it seemed. Sara was sorry; Tegan was happy. Jamie looked forward, hopefully, to a few days without tears.

By the time Jamie arrived, things were already in full swing. Many people were on their third and fourth drinks. She gave Johnny a birthday hug, and he lifted her off her feet and gave her a twirl.

"Happy birthday, Johnny," she said to him warmly, and he gave her a noisy kiss on the cheek and ran off to be loved by some more people.

"Hey! Jamie! Videographer to the stars!" She vaguely recognized the voice before she turned around to face the speaker.

"Hey, Kelly," Jamie said, relieved when the girl responded appropriately to the name. "Good to see you."

"You too! I was hoping to see you. I have so many questions," Kelly said with a scandalized expression. Kelly was tiny and Asian and predisposed towards scandalized expressions.

"Ha, okay," Jamie said hesitantly as people swirled around her. She kept her virgin cocktail close at hand.

"Is it true that Sara broke Tegan's nose?" She asked in an indelicate stage-whisper. Jamie tried not to roll her eyes.

"Uh, it's not broken. . ." Jamie replied. Tegan, miraculously, slid in next to Jamie and put an arm around her waist. This was so sudden, so jarring, that Jamie nearly dropped her cocktail on her foot.

"Hey sexy!" Tegan said cheekily, giving Jamie a squeeze. Kelly, drink in hand, mouth open, blinked. "Hi, I'm Tegan," she said, extending a hand to Kelly.

"I know," Kelly said, staring back at Tegan's outstretched hand.

"Did Jamie tell you I saw her naked earlier today? Awesome!" Tegan laughed and bounced off after her friends, leaving a stupefied Kelly and a mortified Jamie.

"Oooooh my God," Jamie said, under her breath.

"She what?" Kelly asked incredulously. Jamie shook her head.

"It's not what it sounds like..." she said lamely.

"Your life is like. . . not real."

Jamie had a few more conversations like that – deflecting questions, denying rumours – and the party was at its peak when Sara came up to her, subtly pulling her aside into a corner.

"Hey, I just wanted to say. . . I'm sorry about last night and everything –" Jamie waved her hand to dismiss it, sipping her cocktail awkwardly. She felt stupid when people apologized to her.

"Hey, there's nothing to apologize to me for," she laughed. "Maybe Tegan. . ." Sara laughed.

"I'll be apologizing to her for a loooong time. . ." she joked, bringing Jamie to wonder how, exactly, she'd make up for it. "But really, she had a jacket over my head. I didn't know what I was doing."

"True," Jamie conceded.

"And thanks for sharing your bed!" she added.

"Haha, anytime," Jamie said magnanimously, and her stomach quivered a little.

"God, what a mess we must seem like to you," Sara said, joking, but with her forehead furrowing.

"Well. . . I didn't come into it totally blindly," Jamie pointed out, thinking of all the jabs, insults, and arguments she'd witnessed through the lens of her camera over the years.

"Sure," Sara laughed, thinking this over. "But I guess you didn't expect so much blood."

"Haha, good point. Are you guys. . . better? You seem better," she asked carefully, wanting to know but not knowing how to phrase it. Sara finished an amber-coloured drink with ice in it.

"Yeah, you know. . . I don't know. Everything will be fine in the end."

"If it isn't fine, it isn't the end," Jamie offered.

"Exactly," Sara said. "Well, I need to be a little more drunk than this. See you in a bit!" And she ran off to the bar. Jamie wondered, idly, what Sara needed to be drunk for, as she for the first time noticed the migraine coming on and rubbed her temples. She had them often, and she had drugs for them back at the bus. All of the dodging and lying and surprise interruptions by Tegan and Sara were starting to cause an ache that started at the base of her neck and threatened to wrap around her entire skull. She spotted Tegan and Sara chatting happily with two girls Jamie recognized but didn't know why. Johnny was still there, talking to Piers. She might be able to stop the headache if she got back to the bus and took her meds before it worsened. With all of the activity going on, nobody would even notice if she slipped out.

...

She was very groggy, but maybe, in retrospect, there had been time for her to let them know she was there, on the bus, in her bunk and not at the party. Did they talk when they came in? Did they bang around a little in their drunken states? If so, she didn't hear it. The drugs knocked her out, and she was a deep sleeper as it was. Exhaustion, mental and physical, no doubt, contributed as well. So by the time she well and truly grasped the situation, it was beyond the point where she could escape.

Ironically, they were very quiet. Soft movements, softer voices. They were quiet despite their certainty that they were alone.

Jamie didn't hear Tegan climb into her bunk, directly above her nose. Nor did she hear Sara climb up into the bunk to join Tegan, if indeed that's how it went. The first thing that drifted into her consciousness was laughter, and Sara's voice.

"Hah," Sara chuckled, softly. "You're so cheesy." Tegan chuckled too.

"I think we're alone now. . ." Tegan sang quietly.

Oh my God, it's happening again, Jamie thought wildly, holding her breath. Except this time, they're a foot above my face and if I breathe, they'll hear me. If I BLINK, they'll hear me. . .

She heard the soft rustling of blankets, of clothing, of their bodies together.

"God, Tegan. . ."

"There doesn't seem to be anyone a-rou-ound. . ." Tegan sang again with a laugh.

"You're drunk," Sara whispered with a laugh.

"So are you!

"Okay, you're drunk and stupid. I'm just drunk."

"You're drunk and. . ." Jamie heard Tegan's voice strain, a little, and heard them roll and shift above her. ". . . topped," she finished with a laughing whisper. Sara gasped, almost inaudibly.

"Tegan!" she hissed, and, from the sound of her voice, Jamie would have said she was blushing. "What are you doing?"

"I'm topping you this time!" Tegan whispered, with a giggle.

For a moment, all Jamie could hear was the same soft rustling, and the sounds of slow, soft kisses. She heard a voice, more than a sigh, and less than a moan.

"No you're not. . ." Sara whispered back. There was more shifting. The sound of a soft struggle with clothing, and the sound of lips on skin, and then a sharp ouch!

"Oh my God, I'm sorry!" Sara said, meaning it.

"My nose. . ." Tegan explained, sounding pained.

"I'm so sorry..." Sara repeated. "Here. . . " The sound of several light kisses.

Jamie was caught between terror and excitement. What if I sneeze? she thought. What if I start coughing? Have to pee? Fall asleep and snore? She admitted to herself that the last one was an extremely remote possibility.

"Here, you don't need. . ." Sara said, in a low voice, followed by the sound of a zipper.

"Yes, I do. . ." came Tegan's softly laughing voice.

"No, you really really don't. . ." For several minutes, there were the soft noises of two people undressing each other, and when these rustling sounds ceased, Jamie's face flushed hot, as she tried, and failed, not to think about the fact that they were probably both now wearing nothing. She heard their bodies shift and slide a little against the sheets, and more kisses. Jamie stared at the bottom of the bunk above her, wondering why they hadn't decided to install glass bunks, although one-way mirrors would certainly work better in this situation. She pondered again, for the millionth time, whether this was really something she wanted to see. However, she thought to herself, that particular decision didn't really seem like hers to make as of late.

"Ooooh," came Tegan's voice, very soft, and it was familiar to Jamie in a way that made her guts flutter. She'd heard that sound from Tegan's mouth before, through her headphones, in her videos. . . in the hotel and in the barn. . .

"Can you. . ." Tegan's voice, very slightly anxious, a hitch in her breath., "please. . ."

"Yes," Sara said back, gently. There was some movement, a sound of rattling, jingling. Oh my God. . . this is not happening! Jamie thought. Right above me!

There was more shifting, soft murmurs, the sound of lips.

"Open. . ." Sara whispered, and Jamie breathed in sharply, and stifled the sound with a hand. Someone above her drew in a deep, quick breath, and then a soft, aching moan. Tegan, Jamie thought, her face burning against her pillow.

She could hear breathing now, heavier than before, and she could feel their movement slowly increasing, rocking, transmitted through the wall of the bus and into the bunk beneath her own body, slow but rhythmic. The sounds of their kisses continued. They're so quiet, Jamie thought. They're all alone, but so quiet. . .

The rhythmic movement intensified; their breaths deepened; occasionally, a breath would catch in someone's throat. Here and there, a moan, or a murmur. There were murmurs from Sara, too, who Jamie knew was on top without needing to see. She tried to identify the familiar sounds she heard: the many types of kisses, of mouths together and lips on skin; the sound of skin sliding on sheets, of bodies moving together, the faint squeaking of the thin mattress; so many types of breathing. Deep, shallow, sharp, quick. Sighs, murmurs.

"Umm..." Tegan said, and Sara's voice, low, in the background. "I. . ."

"What?" Sara murmured softly, her breath quickening, and the movement didn't cease. "Say it. . ."

Yes, say it! Jamie thought, lying there, absolutely still. But Tegan didn't say it. Instead, her breath quickened too, and she murmured something against Sara's lips. The rocking movement slowed somewhat, to a soft protest from Tegan.

"Don't stop. . ."

Jamie shivered, against her will, as the intensity of the rhythm above her escalated, as did the sounds of their voices until Tegan's voice lifted above the sounds of their bodies together with a surprised Oh. Sara didn't stop, though.

"Oh. . ." Jamie heard Tegan moan, "oh. . ." again and then, one more time, convulsively, "ohhh. . ."

"Jesus," Sara said quietly, over Tegan's laboured breaths. "Wow." Long, slow kisses.

"Yeah..." Tegan's breathy whisper, sheepish, and more kisses. Then, a faint clink and jingling again. A pause, and then sheets rustling.

"Tegan. . ." came Sara's soft protest.

"I need you," Tegan replied, her voice low.

"I'm here."

"I need. . ." Tegan breathed, hesitant. "Can I. . . touch you?"

Jamie had stopped breathing. If they found her. . . if they heard her. . . she couldn't think of a greater violation of two people's privacy. She never intended to hear this, but she was hearing it, and her body was feeling it. She sensed the hesitation above her. A long pause. Jamie held her breath. Then, barely audible,

". . .okay."

There was shifting, moving, rolling again. Then, a few moments of quiet, before a deep moan from Sara that sounded so much like Tegan's voice that it did weird things to Jamie's stomach. There were more soft moans from Sara, muffled against Tegan's mouth, but Sara's voice had changed. It was no longer hesitant, or closed off, or demanding; now it was overwhelmed with vulnerability and longing in response to Tegan's gentle murmurs.

"I want. . . to make you feel. . . how I feel," Tegan whispered.

Jamie held her breath as Sara struggled to answer, but could only whimper in response.

This time, the rocking lasted only a few minutes. Sara must have already been halfway there when Tegan started touching her. Jamie couldn't help but wonder how Tegan was touching Sara. . .

"Tegan," Sara murmured in a voice that ached, and then a long shuddering gasp. Their breathing, deep and heavy, together.

"Wow. . ." Tegan whispered.

Kisses. A sigh. Shifting, rustling sounds. Their breathing slowed, and they kissed again, and then again.

"I love you," Sara whispered, very quietly. Tegan's laugh, very soft.

"I know."