A/N: Alright, so there were no reviews on the last chapter and in my mind, that means everyone hated it. So even if you have already reviewed the story, give another! Even if you hate it, just tell me what you think! Also, if you find any typos, please let me know (I proof read each chapter several times but I always end up missing something. I really hate typos.). Sorry for being so needy. And this chapter, I worked pretty hard on it. I've never written a scene quite like this one, so please, bear with me. I'm sorry if it's awful. I did what I could. And lastly (I promise), I've decided to change the name of the story after this update. I'm letting everyone know ahead of time so no one goes searching for the old name and can't find it. So sorry for the long authors note. As always, so much thanks for reading. PS. I'm sorry this update took so long. There was finals and we got a new car so I'd been going on test drives and such. And there have been some new followers for the story, and I smile every time I get a new one. Thanks so so so much you guys. I'll try to make this chapter a little longer to make up for it. Here it is (finally)!
Chapter 8: Unfair
Maggie's POV
"Can I feel?" Mika asks happily.
"Knock yourself out." I reply jokingly. She places her hand on my belly.
"Is it gonna move again?"
"Eventually." I say hesitantly. "Uhh, do you know where your dad is?"
"Lobby, I think."
"Okay. Um, I gotta talk to him." I hoist myself up and start for the door. I can hear Mika following me. "Give us a minute." I walk into the lobby and plop myself on the couch next to Glenn. He throws the comic book he was reading over his shoulder, trying to hide it from me.
"H-hey. What's up?" He says, trying to act casual.
"Glenn, I know you still read comic books and I really don't care that you do." I say quickly. "But that's not what I want to talk to you about." He puts a more serious look on his face.
"What? What is it? What's wrong?" He demands.
"I'm 6 months pregnant and I've only felt the baby move a handful of times." I can tell he's confused. "It should be moving all the time. Especially now."
"Is it..." He trails off.
"Dead?" I finish for him and looks at me, confirming that that was what he was going to say. "No." He lets out a small sigh of relief. "No. I can tell." He lays a hand on my stomach, feeling the stillness.
"Are you sure it's just not ready to move?"
"Yes." He takes his hand back. "Glenn, I'm worried." I lean on him. "What if the same thing happens this time, too?"
"It won't happen." He says, putting his arm around me, my stomach pressing against his side. "Everything's gonna be fine." And as if to signal that he's right, I feel the baby shift slightly.
"Did you feel that?" I ask him with a smile.
"Yeah." He says. "See? It's gonna fine."
During the next couple weeks, time crawls by slowly. I spend my days sick with worry. Glenn says everything will be okay, and I want so badly to believe him. But how can I? How can I rest easy not even knowing if my baby is alive or not?
"Glenn, there's something wrong." I tell him urgently. I haven't felt anything in two weeks. "We have to do something."
"But Maggie..." He starts. "What can we do?" Only then do I realize how powerless I am, how helpless. He takes me by my waist and pulls me into him. I bury my face into his shoulder while he holds me as close as my belly will allow. And as if this wasn't enough, I feel a sharp pain in my abdomen and let out a gasp. "What's wrong?" Glenn pulls away to appraise me. My hands are clutching my lower abdomen and my eyes are shut tight, adjusting to the sensation and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. "Sit down." He leads me to the bed and the pains intensifies when I sit down.
"No, that's worse." He helps me back up and lets me hang on him.
"What do you want me to do?" He begs. My water breaks right where I'm standing. "What should I do?"
"This can't be happening." I say frantically. "It's too soon. The baby's not ready."
"Tell me what to do! Please!"
"Lay down some towels on the bathroom floor next to the wall." I say through the pain. He searches for something to do with me. "Just leave me here!" He nods and does what I tell him and returns to his position for further instruction. "Pillows." He grabs two pillows from the bed and follows me into the bathroom. I gesture to where he should prop the pillows. "Help me down." He takes my hands and gently lowers me to the floor.
"Is this okay?" He asks, looking me over. "Are you doing okay?"
"Yeah." I say, a bit short of breath. And then I feel a somewhat different pain in top of the original one. "Glenn, take my pants off." He nervously inches my leggings off. Once he gets them off, his face loses some of it's color.
"Maggie, I can-" He says before I cut him off.
"I know." I can tell I'm already crowning after several short minutes. That says enough already about how small this baby is, which adds to my worry. "Be ready." I warn him and bear down slightly.
"Oh shit." He panics and searches in vain to find something to wrap the baby with before it's fully out, though he finds nothing and pulls off his hoodie and settles for that. "Okay..." He sighs and positions his hands appropriately. I push again, a fierce, awkward pain continuing to flow about my body. It's only two or three more minutes until I feel relief, well, physical relief, anyway. "It's a boy" Glenn says as he ties off the umbilical cord with the draw string of his hoodie, which is quick thinking on his part, and cuts it with a pair of shears from the counter. He hands me the still, quiet bundle, not knowing what to do next.
"He's not crying." I say blankly. I put my ear to his chest. I can hear his heartbeat and his slow, struggled, shallow breathing. "He's breathing." Glenn disappears into the bedroom and returns with a blanket that he lovingly drapes over my exposed bottom half. He sits down on the floor next to me.
"Is he gonna be okay?" He asks, his voice halfway between low volume and a whisper. I softly stroke my son's cheek and his head twitches a little.
"I don't know." I want him to be okay, more than anything I've ever wanted."I just don't know." Glenn takes in a quick breath and lets in out unevenly, trying no to cry. "He's beautiful, though." I note, gently kissing his tiny head. I look at Glenn and his arm is over his eyes. "Hold him." He looks back at me and takes him. He looks at him and smiles. I think seeing him made him forget how scared he is for him.
"Are you doing okay?" He asks, not taking his eyes off the baby.
"I'm fine." I reply. "But are you okay?" He looks at me this time.
"Yeah. Yeah, of course." He wipes the baby's face with his sleeve.
"Why don't you rinse him off." I suggest. That's one thing we can do for him.
"I don't know how." He says.
"Fill the sink with warm water and just clean him off." I say taking the baby back. "But go get a towel, a diaper, and an outfit for him first." We had collected a few things in preparation for his arrival, not a lot, but the essentials. He flicks on the sink and adjusts the temperature. He plugs the drain and rushes to get the supplies. He returns in enough time for the sink to fill up with a hand towel, a preemie outfit he picked up on accident, though I'm glad he did, and a newborn sized diaper that will undoubtedly be big on him. He sets everything on the counter and carefully takes the tiny infant from my hands. He lets the hoodie fall to the floor and places his body in the water. I can tell by Glenn's reaction that the water persuaded some sort of movement from the baby. "Everything okay?" I ask. Glenn's nervous. I don't know why, really, he doesn't need to be. But I know that he is.
"Yep, Everything's good." He replies. "Except I don't how to put on a diaper." I laugh weakly.
"It's okay." I say. "I'll show you." He finishes cleaning him off and snips the extra string from the drawstring that ties off his bellybutton. He pulls him out of the water and brings him to his chest, putting the towel over him.
"Um, what now?"
"Gimme the diaper and bring him down here." He does so and watches me diaper and dress him quickly. "See. Not so hard." He nods.
"Do you want me to help you up?" He asks, getting himself off the floor, baby in arms.
"Uhh..." I peek under the blanket and see the pile of gore they call an afterbirth on the floor. I don't really want to mentally scar Glenn with the sight of it. "Just bring me some fresh clothes and I'll manage."
"If that's what you want." He says and gives me a clean set of clothes and closes the door behind him. I grab hold of the counter and pull myself off the floor. I rinse myself off in the shower and put on the clothes Glenn got for me. I gather all of the towels from the floor and shove them in a trash bag to be burned. I drain the sink of the pink tinged water before washing my hands. I open the bathroom door and see Glenn sitting on the bed, holding our premature infant to his chest, his hands big enough to cover his entire shivering body.
"Is he cold?" I ask Glenn in a low voice and he nods. I start for the other room to get him a baby blanket.
"No. You should rest." He insists. "I'll get it." He puts the baby in my hands and I press him to my chest just as Glenn had been doing. I can feel him tremble from the cold, his small, fragile fingers trying in vain to grab on to my shirt.
"It's okay, honey. Your okay." I say, trying to my to comfort him. I run my fingers over the short, thin, black, barely there down over his head and place a light kiss right on the top of it. "Mommy loves you." I whisper, hardly audibly. Just then, Glenn walks back in the room with a fuzzy fleece blanket that I swaddle him with. After a few moments, he stops shivering. "Should we get the girls up here?"
"Yeah. I'll go get them." He kisses my lips tenderly while gently squeezing the hand holding the soft, little bundle, and walks out the door. Only after about 15 seconds do I hear the shrill cries of excitement, all the way from downstairs.
"Get ready for this." I say to the small face poking out of the blanket bundle. The bounding footsteps get closer until the door opens and Mika comes rushing in.
"Lemme see, lemme see!" She says rather loudly.
"Shh..."
"Sorry." She whispers. "Lemme see." I pat the spot next to me and she skooches over carefully and takes the seat. "Can I hold him?" I look at him again. So tiny, precious, and delicate. I don't want to let go of him.
"Just for second." I say, carefully placing him on her lap and positioning her hands properly.
"Why is he so small?"
"Because he's nearly 3 months early."
"Why?" She asks, almost too innocently. I've been asking myself that same question since the moment he was born. Why him? Why did it have to be him? What did I do wrong? God, if only I knew.
"I don't know." I answer truthfully. "I guess...that's just what happens sometimes." Then Lizzie quietly walks in, Glenn following close behind. She goes over to the side of the bed that her sister is sitting on and just watches her hold him.
"He's pretty cute." She says. "What's his name?" We had talked about names, not much though. We certainly hadn't picked any. I look at Glenn and he just looks at me expectantly. He wants me to pick a name. I quickly run through all of the names we talked about and pick my favorite.
"Felix." I say, taking him from Mika's arms. "His name is Felix." Glenn gets his dorky as hell, but also very adorable, Polaroid camera and takes a photo of everyone holding him, one of Felix on his own, and I take one of Glenn holding him. And, naturally, Mika begs to takes pictures of him, so the girls take turns snapping photos left and right until the camera is out of film. Well into the night, I tell them they need to go to bed. "It's really late, you two."
"Aww, come on." Mika whines. Luckily Glenn backs me up.
"You heard her." He says. "Bed. Now." Thank you, I mouth to him as they leave. "You must be tired."
"Oh yeah." I answer. I didn't really notice until he brought it up. "I don't wanna go to sleep though." Felix looks so peaceful. There's no way I can put him down to sleep. "I don't wanna leave him."
"You won't be leaving him." He says. Just then, Felix starts gasping. Quietly, softly, painfully gasping.
"Oh my god." What am I supposed to do? What is even happening? "Glenn, do something!" I beg him.
"I don't know what to do! I don't know!" He says frantically. He takes him and puts his mouth to his and lightly blows air in. "That's all I can think of. I'm sorry." The gasping only stops for a few seconds, after that, it starts right back up.
"He's gonna die." I whisper, more to myself than to Glenn.
"What?"
"He's gonna die." I say louder, so that Glenn can hear me this time.
"No, no, no. Don't just give up on him-"
"He's suffering." I tell him. "There's nothing we can do to help him." Oh god, what I would give for those words to be just another disgusting lie. He doesn't say anything, or look at me. He just picks Felix up off the bed and holds on to him for dear life. He presses his lips to his head and kisses him softly. I stand up and hold them both until Felix's body goes quiet and limp.
"What now?" Glenn asks, his eyes shining with tears. He lays his body down on the bed. He doesn't look much different. He looks as if he was sleeping. Except I can't hear him breathing.
"I guess...I guess we bury him in the morning." Putting my child in the cold, wet ground. How barbaric. But there's no other options. He nods his and takes the small knife from his pocket. "What are you doing?"
"He'll turn." He says, looking me in the eye. I never thought of that. Could he really turn? Judith turned, but she was older and stronger. But Felix...He's just...so small and weak. I just nod my head. He holds up the knife, but brings it back to his side immediately after and puts his ear to his chest, one last time, just to make sure that it's really over. He let's out a shaky breath and slowly and carefully pushes the knife into the back of his head. He slides the knife out and storms into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I hear the knife clang into the sink.
"You're cruel." I say to, well, I guess to God. "You cruel son of a bitch." My eyes go to Felix's tiny, lifeless body. I kiss him on the forehead one last time. "Mommy loves you, sweetheart." A tear drop falls on his face, and I wipe it off quickly.
I remember that Glenn left the room and look at the bathroom door. I lightly tap on the door. "Glenn? Are you okay?" There's no noise or answer, so I try the handle. It's unlocked, so I carefully push the door open. "Glenn?" He's sitting on the edge of the tub, slouched over with his hands over his eyes. The bloody knife is still in the sink. I sit next to him and rub his back.
"It's so unfair." He says, taking his hands from his face, looking at me with his red eyes. "It's unfair to us. And its unfair to him." I rest my head on his shoulder and put my arm around him, and he does the same to me. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault." I say. "It's mine."
"No, it's not."
"I guess I'm just not meant to have a baby." I say, ignoring him.
"You will. Someday you will. And it's gonna grow up loving it's mother just as much as I do." He tells me holding my head to his chest. "I promise." He kisses the top of my head and I bury my face into his arm, trying to muffle my crying. "Let me take you to bed." I don't have time to argue before he gets up and takes me with him and sits me on the bed. He takes Felix's body into the other room, the room where he would've slept. "Lie down." He tells me. I do and he lies down next to me, turning off the light. But the grief is too overwhelming to sleep. I don't get to sleep at all. I don't think Glenn gets much either.