Author's Note: What would you do? ;)
Chapter 11: I Can't Help Myself, If It's a Fit, It'll Fit
Later, it occurred to Jamie that she spent much of that tour waking up. She was waking up in different states, to different realities, nearly every day, while also feeling like she was never really sleeping at all. This time, she slept for an hour, or maybe two, and then woke up slowly to wave after wave of shock and disbelief. When she opened her eyes, the room was filled with the bright light of early afternoon, and she was alone in the bed. In Tegan's bed.
Holy fuck, her mind said to her as sensations came back. She licked her lips; she could still taste Tegan's mouth in hers, and, recollecting, she could very nearly feel Tegan's hands, in all the places Tegan's hands had been. The memory alone triggered an anticipatory response in her body.
She could faintly hear the shower, and she lay there, stunned, processing, her mind utterly spinning.
She heard the shower stop, and was immediately assaulted by the mental image of Tegan's wet skin, maybe a little pink from the heat; the thought brought a different kind of heat to her, accompanied by another flood of disbelief. I admit it: part of me wants to call Kim and tell her where I am. She laughed sarcastically at herself for the thought, because she knew she would then be completely voted off the island. Hey Kim, guess what? Tegan just slept with me because she's trying to feel normal even though she's in love with Sara. Don't tell anyone, okay? Nope.
She heard the bathroom door open and her heart jumped, just as her phone started ringing, sending it sinking again like a weight. With a sigh of irritation, she glanced at the screen. Her sister. She hesitated, as she always did. Let it ring? Go to voicemail? It had been weeks since she'd spoken to her sister, and the last conversation with her mother had been most unpleasant. What will I say? she asked herself, imagining even more impossible conversations. I'm in Tegan's bed. She's in the shower. . .
"Hello?" she answered, heavily, as the residue of the morning clashed with the sudden reality of her former life, although, lying there in Tegan's room, she was no longer sure which reality was real at all.
"Hi, where are you?" her sister asked abruptly.
"Uh. . . Vancouver," Jamie replied, her heart jumping yet again as Tegan walked into the room in just a t-shirt and underwear, her hair wet, with a cup of yogurt and a spoon in her hand. Jamie lay there, the phone to her ear, and met Tegan's mischievous grin, trying unsuccessfully not to glance at Tegan's bare legs.
"Vancouver? What? In Canada?" her sister asked.
"Yeah. . . um, what did you want to talk about?" Jamie asked distractedly as Tegan sat on the bed in front of her, cross-legged, and peeled the top off the yogurt cup, a faint smile on her lips.
"What are you doing in Vancouver? Where are you staying?" her sister interrogated, her voice slightly accusatory.
"Uh, editing the video that I took um. . . with Tegan," Jamie said haltingly, feeling the heat rush to her face as Tegan grinned at her, spooning a little bit of yogurt into her mouth and turning the label to face Jamie. She mouthed the word pineapple and winked.
"You're with Tegan? Where? At a hotel?" Her sister's incredulous voice persisted. It was too much for Jamie - her sister's very awkwardly-timed questions, Tegan's laughing eyes on her, the milky smooth skin of her thighs, her face pink from the shower.
"Um, what? Oh," Jamie said distractedly, "no, uh, at Tegan's house. . ."
"You're staying at her house? What are you like. . . how. . . what is going on?"
"Nothing," Jamie said, too quickly. "No, uh. . . we're just editing. There are like, six hundred hours of footage to edit. . ." Tegan was watching her, and licking the back of her spoon suggestively. Hot confusion rose up through Jamie's chest and into her face and she closed her eyes. She needed to focus on this conversation so that she could get it over with.
"Hmm, okay, well, when are you coming back?" her sister asked.
"Uh, after the tour. . . in a few months, I guess. I don't know," Jamie said, flustered, feeling Tegan shift on the bed, Tegan's bare thigh pressing momentarily against her own. This reminder sent tremors through Jamie's insides; the recollection of Tegan's lips on hers, of her touch, the warmth and weight of Tegan's body on hers. She couldn't think; her pulse raced.
"A few months? What about school?"
"Um, actually I have to go," Jamie said suddenly. "We have an appointment at a studio, so. . ."
"What kind of appointment?"
"So, um, I'll talk to you later, okay? Say hi to everybody," Jamie concluded.
"Okay but-"
"Bye!" Jamie said, switching her phone off with a sigh and, after a moment, opened her eyes again, almost reluctantly, self-conscious under Tegan's gaze.
"Family?" Tegan asked, taking another spoonful of yogurt. Tegan's eyes were on the yogurt, and Jamie's eyes briefly flicked over her tattooed arms, her smooth, pale legs, dark blue underwear. . .
"Um, yeah, my sister. . ." Jamie replied, trying through sheer force of will to drain the colour from her face and just be calm and cool, but Tegan was sitting on a bed with her, with no pants on, and a slightly smug grin on her yogurt-eating face.
"I guess she wonders what you're doing here," Tegan said, sucking a little on the plastic spoon.
"Yeah. . ."
"Did you tell her?" Tegan asked, her eyebrows raised expectantly.
"Ha. . ." Jamie laughed, a little nervously.
"You're blushing," Tegan pointed out.
"No I'm not," Jamie said.
"You are," Tegan said, smiling. "Want some of my yogurt?"
"Yeah, sure." Jamie said quickly, happy for the distraction. She sat up and crossed her legs too; her knee touched Tegan's. This is ridiculous, she thought, after what happened, brushing against her knee should not still give me a heart attack.
"Oh- can I. . ." Jamie started, pausing in the midst of taking the spoon as Tegan held the cup.
"No," Tegan laughed sarcastically. "No, don't use my spoon. I can share saliva with you but no, don't use my spoon."
"Oh my God," Jamie mumbled, taking a scoop of yogurt.
"You're still blushing," Tegan said with a big smile.
"You're. . . trying to. . . you're doing it on purpose," Jamie said helplessly, tasting the pineapple yogurt with Tegan's spoon. Tegan's head fell back in a silent laugh.
"Okay," she said. "Okay, I won't tease you." Jamie gave her an accusing look. "You really are sweet." Jamie shivered involuntarily, recalling the same words from earlier. Tegan took more yogurt and gave the spoon back to Jamie.
"Well. . . I try," she said. Brilliant, she thought, you are a brilliant conversationalist. At this rate, Tegan may as well be talking to the cup of yogurt. She was avoiding Tegan's eyes. There was a brief silence, which Tegan finally broke.
"So, this is kind of awkward, eh?" she said softly, and Jamie resisted the urge to laugh at the Canadian tag question.
"A little, maybe. . ." she admitted. Only more awkward than any other situation I've ever been in in my life. Except for all the times I accidentally witnessed you and Sara having sex. . . Tegan finished the yogurt and leaned back to put the cup and spoon on her night stand. She sat back up again, and shifted a little so that both of her knees were in contact with both of Jamie's.
"It doesn't have to be, though," Tegan said gently. Jamie's eyes flicked up to hers and then down again, to the tree on her right forearm. That tree was becoming her focal point when eye contact was too much for her.
"No? Uh. . . how?" Jamie asked, suppressing a desire to touch the branches of the tree. She half-expected a bird to fly out of it.
"Damn, it's cute when you blush," Tegan said with a cheeky smile.
"God!" Jamie exclaimed, "you're a smartass, aren't you?" She could feel her face burning. Don't look at me. Don't look at me like that or I will dissolve into a puddle on your bed. Tegan laughed.
"Maybe a little. So," Tegan continued, lightly placing her hands on Jamie's knees, sliding them slowly up to her hips, and then her waist. "Am I going to get to see some of this?" she asked, playfully attempting to lift Jamie's t-shirt. Jamie reflexively grabbed her shirt and held it down.
"Haha," she laughed, a little nervously. "You already have." Tegan's eyebrows shot up and she grinned mischievously.
"Oh yeah! But, no, that doesn't count," she argued.
"It totally counts," Jamie disagreed, incredulous.
"No, it was only for a second and then you ran back into the bathroom," Tegan laughed, putting her hands on the bed behind her and leaning back.
"Of course I ran back into the bathroom! What would you have done?" Jamie asked, ironically wishing she could undress; she was burning hot.
"Oh, I would have lost the underwear, too," Tegan laughed. Jamie laughed too, until the recollection of Tegan's fingers sliding down her belly came suddenly back to her, and she shivered. "You okay?"
"Yeah, just a little cold," Jamie lied.
"Maybe you should get under the covers," Tegan suggested.
"Good idea," Jamie said, the shyness still preventing her eyes from lingering too long on Tegan's.
Jamie quickly pulled back the covers and crawled under. Tegan did the same, and they lay facing each other.
"Better?" Tegan asked.
"Mmmhmm," Jamie said.
"Hey, Jamie," Tegan said. "Look at me." Jamie raised her eyes and hesitantly met Tegan's warm brown ones. She smiled gently.
"Are you okay?"
"Hmm? Yeah, sure. . ." Jamie said, looking again at the tree tattoo resting on the bed between them.
"You can't look at me for more than five seconds at a time," Tegan teased. Jamie looked up at Tegan for a second and then back at the tattoo.
"Sure I can," she said shyly, and Tegan laughed softly.
"You just did it again!"
"What?"
"You looked at me and then looked away. Are you embarrassed?" Tegan asked, her tone, her whole manner a mixture of cheekiness and tenderness that quite disarmed Jamie but also intensified her embarrassment.
"Uh, well. . ." she said, wondering if it was possible to actually blush, deeper and deeper, indefinitely.
"Why? What are you embarrassed about?" Tegan pressed softly. Jamie gave a little, short, nervous laugh. I can still taste your mouth, Jamie thought, and you're asking me these questions. . .
"Well. . ." Jamie started.
"Because we had sex?" Tegan offered helpfully. Jamie winced. "Look at me, Jamie. . ." she said again in a soft, sing-song way. Jamie forced herself to meet Tegan's gaze. Her eyes laughed. They laughed all the time. Except when they were crying... "You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You're cute and you're sweet. . . and a really good kisser. . . and I wanted to touch you. And I think you wanted me to." Jamie swallowed.
"Ha. . . maybe," she forced herself to say, her mouth nearly failing to form words.
"I think you've liked me for a long time," Tegan continued, and now it was her turn to sound a little bit shy. Good, Jamie thought.
"Uhh. . ." she started, wondering if Tegan could actually see her racing pulse. "Yeah. . ."
"How long?" Tegan pressed.
"About. . . four years. . ." Jamie said, pretending to think about it. She looked at the tattoo, at Tegan's small hand between them on the bed, and then reluctantly back to Tegan's warm eyes. Tegan smiled at her, flushing a little.
"Wow," Tegan said softly. Jamie lay there, struggling with a powerful impulse to touch Tegan's hand. What's stopping me? She touched me. . . everywhere. . . and I'm afraid to touch her hand?
"Yeah. . . why do you think I followed you guys all over the place?" Jamie asked, looking firmly at Tegan's hand, embarrassed to admit it.
"Well. . . I'm flattered," Tegan said with a smile. "And now. . . here I am, so. . ." Tegan said, her voice low and soft. She raised one hand, tucked a lock of Jamie's hair behind her ear and then set her hand back down. "What are you going to do about it?"
Jamie's heart hammered against her ribcage, the nerves in her chest threatening to send violent tremors through her whole body. Tegan was teasing her, yes, but she lay there, still, her eyes on Jamie's face, her lips. She teased, but tenderly. She laughed, but her eyes invited.
Her heart in her throat, Jamie timidly reached out a hand to Tegan's face, her fingers traced over Tegan's eyebrow, her cheekbone, her lips, the tiny metal sphere below her lip.
"God, you're beautiful. . ." Jamie whispered, the words out of her mouth before she could stop them. The smile that crossed Tegan's face started warm and ended sad, and it pained Jamie's heart, and the pain compelled her.
Jamie's hand cautiously slipped through Tegan's hair and around the back of her neck as she pulled herself closer. Tegan's eyes were on Jamie's, and she didn't move, didn't raise a hand, didn't say a word as Jamie tenderly brushed her hair back from her forehead. Jamie could see things in her eyes, her face: pain, confusion; she wondered whether she was thinking about Sara.
"Jamie," Tegan said suddenly, her voice quiet. Jamie felt a contraction in her chest every time Tegan said her name.
"Yeah?"
"What's. . . uh, do you think something is. . . missing. . . from me?" she asked hesitantly, and her intense vulnerability melted Jamie's insides, as she was powerfully reminded of the very first time she had ever set eyes on Tegan. That same intense vulnerability was what had doomed her in the first place. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive... Not possible.
"No way," she said softly, her eyes on Tegan's.
"Then will you please kiss me?"
Jamie froze, just for a moment. She asked me. . . Jamie thought, then, moving a little closer, with her hand in Tegan's hair, pressed her lips against Tegan's slightly open mouth, taking Tegan's lower lip between hers, tasting the tanginess of the pineapple yogurt on Tegan's lips. She moved her face back an inch or two; Tegan's face was pink, too.
"More," Tegan whispered. Jamie leaned in to kiss her again, tasting yogurt again, this time on Tegan's tongue, shivering a little as Tegan's hand slipped under her t-shirt and along her back. Tegan put her arm around Jamie and pulled her, lifted her over and onto her own body under the covers. "Why are you wearing this?" she asked, tugging a little at Jamie's t-shirt and then sliding it up Jamie's body, over her head, and down her arms.
"Not fair," Jamie said, as Tegan's eyes moved from her face to her neck, to her shoulders, and down.
"Why not?" Tegan asked, her eyes still drifting over Jamie's body.
"Hey!" Jamie protested, lifting Tegan's chin with her fingers.
"Why are you so shy? You look so good," Tegan said. To Jamie's surprise, Tegan took hold of her hips and then pulled herself to a sitting position, with Jamie's legs now around her waist, as she found herself straddling Tegan's lap, the covers sliding off of her back.
"Uh. . . thanks," she said, awkward, embarrassed, aroused. ". . .But you have to take yours off, too. . ."
"You do it," Tegan said, and Jamie took hold of Tegan's t-shirt and lifted it. Tegan raised her arms and allowed Jamie to pull the t-shirt over her head, her hair falling messily over her eyes again. When Tegan wrapped her arms around Jamie and pulled their bodies together, Tegan's mouth was at the level of Jamie's collarbone, and Jamie shivered again feeling Tegan's breasts pressing softly below Jamie's. Jamie gently lifted Tegan's chin again, this time for a kiss, as she leaned down to meet her lips, squeezing Tegan's waist with her thighs. Tegan slid her hands from Jamie's knees, slowly up her thighs as Jamie kissed her mouth, then her neck, and then her bare shoulders, as the soft warmth of Tegan's skin pressed against hers. Tegan pulled Jamie down next to her again, their kisses slow and deep, their legs tangled together, until Tegan's hands made their way down Jamie's back. Her fingers traced over Jamie's hips and then took hold of the smooth cotton of her underwear and slid them down slowly. Jamie froze for a moment, again, but a moment later she was wearing nothing, on top of Tegan, in the early afternoon light.
"Oops," Tegan laughed, beneath her, kissing Jamie's throat.
"Ha," Jamie managed to say around the pulse racing in her throat, pulsing against Tegan's lips.
"Not fair?" Tegan breathed, and Jamie shook her head.
"You do it, then," Tegan said again, and Jamie helped Tegan remove her last article of clothing.
Naked. We are both naked. Tegan. And me. In Tegan's bed. Jamie would have laughed at the sheer impossibility of that thought, but the intensity of what she was feeling in her body, mixed with a heavy dose of shyness, made that impossible. The entirety of Tegan's warm body was against hers now, and when Jamie pressed her thigh down between Tegan's legs, she released a soft oh at what she found there. Tegan didn't look as smug and cheeky as she had before as Jamie's hand ran over the soft fullness of her breast and down her belly, kissing her earlobe, then her neck, and then her other breast. Jamie heard Tegan's heavy breaths, felt Tegan's chest rise against her lips and then, with newfound courage, Jamie raised her face to Tegan's.
"What do you need?" she asked, in a whisper. Tegan's eyes closed for a moment, and Jamie thought, now it's my turn to be smug... when she saw the colour rise to Tegan's face.
"Can you. . .?" she started and stopped, her eyes on Jamie's, questioning, hesitating, then looking away, embarrassed.
Jamie's mouth was on Tegan's again, and Tegan returned the pressure with her own lips, tasting Jamie's tongue with hers as Jamie's hand gently traced the inside of Tegan's thigh. She felt Tegan quickly inhale as Jamie's hand slid higher and then found what she was hoping for.
"Oh," Jamie whispered against Tegan's neck, and Tegan moaned, pressing against Jamie's hand. Now, Jamie couldn't take her eyes off of Tegan's face, but it was Tegan whose eye contact failed; her eyes closed, her face turned towards Jamie's shoulder as Jamie's fingers softly circled through Tegan's wetness. "Who's shy now?" Jamie murmured. Tegan whimpered in response. Jamie was burning, too, but the sight of Tegan's flushed face and the sensation of Tegan pressing up against her hand gave her an ounce more boldness. She continued these gentle motions with her fingers, sliding, teasing, until Tegan's breath deepened, pleading, in Jamie's mouth as they kissed. At the sound of the slightest whine from Tegan's throat, Jamie slowly and smoothly pressed two fingers inside of her.
Jamie watched Tegan's face but Tegan did not see her; her head tilted back, her eyes closed, her lips parted as Jamie's fingers pressed into her again, slowly. She really does look just like she does on stage when she sings, Jamie thought in awe, her heart skipping. One of Tegan's hands circled around Jamie's back, clutching at her shoulder as their bodies rocked and moved together. She kissed Tegan's lips and neck as Tegan's breathy moans intensified with the strokes of her fingers, and then, when Tegan's chest rose and she raised her hips against Jamie's hand, Jamie slowed the movement of her fingers. Don't come yet... Tegan gave a pained moan, her face tense, and clutched Jamie's arm.
"Please. . ." she whispered, red-faced, eyes closed tight. Jamie's face was just above hers.
"Okay," Jamie whispered, pushing inside of her again, her palm sliding against the hot swollen places there. She intensified the movement of her fingers, and Tegan's grip around Jamie's back tightened, her hand clenched, and the contractions inside Tegan's body squeezed Jamie's fingers in quick waves. Tegan's moan, very nearly anguished, was muffled against Jamie's shoulder as she came with a shudder. The vibrations of Tegan's voice passed through Jamie's shoulder and into her chest, where her heart throbbed painfully.
"Ohhhhh. . ." Tegan breathed, an arm still clutching Jamie close to her chest. Jamie kissed Tegan's hot, damp neck again, and then her lips, tenderly.
"Mmmhmmm," Jamie voiced as they kissed, smiling against Tegan's lips. After a few moments, she started to withdraw her fingers, to a soft protest from Tegan. Jamie paused, feeling the heat and wetness of Tegan's body around her fingers.
"More?" she asked softly. Tegan nodded, her eyes still closed, catching her breath. Jamie started stroking her fingers again, almost imperceptibly at first, and then increasing as her thumb pressed and slid against the tender, swollen places, and it was only a few moments before Tegan came again, with another shuddering breath, her body tensing and then relaxing. Jamie kissed her lips, her eyelids, and Tegan embraced her more tightly, pressing her face into Jamie's neck. She gasped a little and spasmed again, slightly, and they lay still, entangled. They breathed together quietly for several minutes, their hot damp bodies pressed together, before Jamie slowly withdrew her fingers. They were quiet for a few more moments.
"Thank you," Tegan murmured breathlessly, her lips very close to Jamie's.
"Of course," Jamie replied simply and kissed her again, rolling over softly until they lay facing each other, one of Tegan's legs thrown over Jamie's hip. This time, Tegan was the one who avoided eye contact when Jamie looked at her. Jamie smiled, kissed her lips, her fingers tracing over one red cheek. Tegan, eyes closed, took a deep breath. Jamie's eyes flicked to the tattoos on Tegan's arms, pictures so familiar that they might as well have been on her own skin, though she had never seen them this close. It's so funny, she thought, that it's like these are the only thing she's wearing. She gently touched the tree on Tegan's right forearm, her fingers tracing its branches. Somehow, touching it almost felt more private than anything else she'd touched so far.
"I've always loved this one," Jamie said at last, softly. "It's just so. . . so part of what I think of, when I think of. . . you." Tegan finally met her eyes, and smiled at her warmly. "And this one. . ." she said, turning Tegan's left arm over and tracing over the ink on the inside of her forearm, "I almost always forget it's there, because I can never see it when you're holding your guitar." She flushed slightly, embarrassed to have called attention to her many nights in the crowded sea of faces looking up at the stage. "And this one," she hurried on, sliding her fingers over one that said "Kids 50." "I mean. . . did you lose a bet?" Tegan laughed softly. "Yeah, actually. Well, I mean. . . that's the easiest way to put it. . ." Tegan's eyes watched Jamie's face as Jamie examined the other tattoos. At last, she came to the one she was most interested in, on Tegan's upper arm. "And. . . I've wanted to ask you about this one," she started, a little shyly. The tattoo showed two people walking up a hill, their figures in silhouette. One carried a megaphone and the one behind pulled on the strap of the first one's backpack. Underneath, quite strikingly incongruous, the huge snarling face of a tiger. "Justify my love?" Jamie asked, and Tegan laughed, blushing a little.
"Uh, yeah, that was. . . um. . . it's like an inside joke with my ex-girlfriend. It's a long story with like. . . tigers and. . . um, do you want something to eat?"
"Maybe I'll take a shower first," Jamie said.
"Okay," Tegan said, kissing her quickly. Jamie paused and kissed her back. It was another hour before she went to the shower.