Chapter 12: Just Give Me the Key
She took her time in the shower, giving her mind a chance to grasp the few hours she'd spent conscious that day, and trying to unwind. The taste and the smell of Tegan were still with her, and every recollection impacted her body. Even just remembering Tegan's lips gave her a shiver.
'Not real' doesn't really begin to describe my life right now, she thought, as she got out of the shower and dried off. She had no idea how to feel. Her heart and body were overwhelmed; her brain was spinning like the hard drive in her old laptop before it had stopped working altogether. She wished there were someone she could talk to about this, about Tegan, about loving Tegan for years and then suddenly being in her bed with her, naked. . . about Sara and the both of them together and what all of this meant and what, exactly, she was supposed to do.
She stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, and jumped as she walked right into Tegan.
"Oh, your turn," she said, blushing and clutching the front of her towel.
"Still shy?" Tegan smiled. She was wearing the t-shirt and underwear again.
"Ha," Jamie laughed. "I don't know if I'll get over. . . being shy about. . . um, with you," she said, feeling awkward and regretting the sentence. Tegan's warm smile again, and she kissed Jamie's shoulder.
"We'll see. Okay, my turn!" Tegan went to the shower and Jamie dressed.
"I'll go out and grab something to eat," Jamie said through the bathroom door as the water turned on.
"Okay! There's a Chinese market just across the street. . . T&T, it's called. . ."
"Okay," Jamie said, grabbing Tegan's keys from a big glass bowl on the kitchen counter.
The cool, damp air hit her as she stepped into the street, and she took a breath, crossing quickly to the market on the other side. She went in, passing a few small Chinese ladies shopping in aprons. There were tanks off to one side with live crabs and fish, packages of unrecognizable dried snacks and plastic vacuum packs of gelatinous things. Jamie was starting to wonder if she would find anything she could recognize in the place when she located a small produce section and, next to it, some baked goods. She grabbed a couple of bananas, some small cinnamon rolls, and more yogurt. The woman at the cash register was the same height that Jamie had been when she was nine. Or, the same height as Tegan, she thought. She paid, crossed the street again to Tegan's building and let herself in.
Tegan was still in the shower. Jamie set the food on the counter and took the opportunity to look around the apartment a little, at framed pictures on the wall of Tegan with friends and family, with Sara, with other musicians, many of whom Jamie recognized from years of going to their shows.
Behind an ancient-looking leather sofa, up on the brick wall, was a painting. It showed two figures in silhouette, walking up a hill. One held a megaphone and the other, following behind, tugged on the backpack strap of the one in front. And, as incongruously as it appeared on Tegan's arm, the huge, snarling face of a tiger below. Jamie felt a chill, her eyes catching the sweeping 'S' at the bottom right hand corner.
The shower was still running. She lay down on the battered sofa and closed her eyes. She was, she realized, very very tired, despite having already had a nap that day. She thought of Sara's face, the last time she'd seen her, in the airport. The way she looked up to the ceiling with shiny eyes. Take care of Tegan, she'd said. Jamie felt a pang at the recollection, at all the thoughts of all the ways she had taken care of Tegan in this apartment. She recalled Sara's declaration, in the airport, that it had to stop. Did that make things between her and Tegan any more okay? Or did she just hope it did? She drifted off to a jarring mixture of excitement and guilt.
This brief, fitful nap was accompanied by a ghost of a dream, in which she was naked with Ted in Tegan's bunk. Her unconscious confusion swirled together with the daytime dreams of the last few hours and when she woke up, it took her a moment to remember where she was.
The shower was still running. She glanced at the clock up above the TV; it was 7pm, which meant that Tegan had probably been in the shower for more than an hour. Jamie couldn't remember, exactly; she'd woken up in bed with Tegan; she'd spoken with her sister; then sex; sleep; more sex; shower; shopping; sleep; and Tegan was still in the shower. . . but she thought it must have been more than an hour.
Jamie approached the bathroom, her ear to the door. All she could hear was water.
"Tegan?" she asked, tentatively, but heard nothing in reply except the continuous hissing of the faucet. Jamie stood there, uncertain. Maybe Tegan took hour-long showers, regularly? Maybe she had fallen asleep in there? Or maybe she'd felt so dirty after their. . .
Jamie turned the knob and opened the door a few inches, trying to peer in.
"Tegan, are you okay?" she asked, nervous, hesitant, but worried. No answer. She opened the door further, stepped in. "Hey, you've been in here for a long time so I. . . uh. . ." Jamie gingerly pulled the curtain aside a little and peered into the bath, to see Tegan sitting under the spray, on the floor of the tub, with her knees drawn up to her chin and her arms tight around her legs, her face pressed against her knees. "Jesus, Tegan you're - it's freezing! You're-"
She was swaying, slightly, and shivering in the cold spray, her forehead against her knees but her face twisted in pain. Tegan didn't look up as Jamie quickly turned off the faucets, pulling the curtain open further.
Jamie wanted to ask her what was wrong, but she was afraid to know. Instead, she grabbed a towel from the back of the door and knelt beside the tub. As Jamie wrapped the towel around her shoulders, Tegan finally turned to look at her, her eyes round and reddish, trembling.
"I have to tell you something," she said, shaking, her lips purple, and the fear in her eyes sent a knot into Jamie's stomach.
"Okay," Jamie said, rubbing Tegan's shoulders and back through the towel. "Nothing worth freezing over, I'm sure. . . ?"
"I'm sorry," Tegan said, tearfully. "I wanted to tell you. . . I should have told you. . . before. . . it's too late. . ." Obvious anguish shook her body.
"Too late for what?" Jamie said softly, still stroking Tegan's shoulders soothingly. "Tegan, whatever it is. . . it can't be that bad. . ." Tegan looked at her again, as if to say something, but just shook her head, teeth chattering. "Come on, let's get out of the bath. . ." Jamie helped Tegan to her feet, patting her with the towel, helping her step out of the tub.
"I'm sorry. . ." Tegan said again. "If you knew. . . if you'd known you wouldn't. . . you wouldn't have touched me. . ." Jamie's heart wrenched as Tegan's face crumpled and her knees started to give way.
"Hey!" Jamie cried, alarmed, quickly putting both arms around Tegan to keep her from falling. Tegan seemed nearly oblivious to Jamie's efforts to keep her standing; she was inconsolable.
"I'm sorry," she repeated through shaky breaths. Her skin now nearly dry, it was easy to see the tears streaming down her face.
"Come on, let's get you dressed. . ." Jamie said, leading Tegan back to the bedroom with an arm around her shoulders to prevent another near-collapse. Sniffling and sobbing quietly, Tegan allowed herself to be led.
In the bedroom, Jamie gently guided Tegan to the end of the bed, and sat her there while she gathered some clothes for her from the closet. She was doubled over by the time Jamie returned, her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands, the towel falling off of her shoulders. She was oblivious as well to being naked, it seemed.
"Here, put these on," Jamie said, dropping to one knee at Tegan's feet. Tegan didn't move. She just wept. Jamie lifted one foot and then the other, slipped them through the leg holes of her underwear and slid them up her thighs. "Lift up a little," Jamie gently instructed her, and when she did, Jamie pulled them up the rest of the way. "And now this. . ." she pulled the t-shirt over Tegan's head and helped her get her hands through, pulling it down over her damp, cold skin. "You're freezing," Jamie said, grabbing the blanket from the foot of the bed and pulling Tegan into a hug as she tucked it around Tegan's shoulders. Tegan met her eyes, her face red, wet with tears. "Okay. . ." Jamie said nervously, leaning back and sitting on the bed next to Tegan. "Is that okay? Did you. . . um. . . what did you. . . want to say?" Jamie managed to ask, not really wanting to know. Tegan took a few deep, rattling breaths, tried to quiet herself. "Take your time. It's okay," Jamie said, putting her arm around Tegan again and gently rubbing her back through the blanket.
"Not okay," Tegan said, her voice catching. "It's not and you're going to hate me. . ." Her face crumpled again and she covered it with her hands as new tears spilled over. "Ooooohhhhhh my God, I hate myself and you're just going to. . ." Jamie felt an ache in her chest at such abject misery.
"I'm not going to hate you," Jamie assured her, putting one hand on Tegan's knee. Tegan flinched at the touch on her bare skin and pulled away.
"You will," Tegan said, shaking her head, her breathing inching closer to hyperventilating. "Oh, my God. . ."
"Take it easy," Jamie said softly. "Your hair is like. . . dripping. . ." Jamie got up and went back to the bathroom, grabbed a small towel, and returned. She placed the towel in Tegan's hands, but Tegan just sat there staring at it, tears dripping, nose dripping, hair dripping. Jamie picked up the towel and placed it over Tegan's head, gently squeezing the water from the ends of her hair and then carefully rubbing the towel over her head with both hands. She then gently used the towel to dry Tegan's eyes and nose.
"Hey," Jamie said, anxiety building within her. "Whatever it is. . . I mean, if it's this hard for you, maybe you aren't ready to tell me. . .?" Tegan looked at her with wide red eyes, shook her head.
"You need to know," she said weakly, still trying to suppress her sobs. "It's too late but you need to know. . ."
"It's not too late."
"You don't know. You're going to. . . maybe you should pack your stuff before I tell you, because. . ." Tegan covered her mouth with a hand and squeezed her eyes shut.
"No," Jamie said, rubbing Tegan's thigh. Tegan flinched again at Jamie's hand on her skin, but Jamie didn't let her pull away.
". . .When I tell you," Tegan continued, "you won't want to be here. Oh, fuck. . ." She pressed her palms against her eyes, took a deep breath. "Okay," she said. The trembling had subsided slightly; she dropped her hands into her lap and started to breathe more normally. She closed her eyes, and sat quietly, gathering herself. "Okay," she said again, bracing herself She wiped her face off with the towel. Because she knew what the news was already, Jamie wondered if she should just tell Tegan she knew, to make it easier on her.
"Tegan, whatever it is. . . I don't think you're ready to tell anyone. Or, maybe you need to tell someone else? Or. . ."
"No, it has to be you," Tegan said helplessly. "But it's too late anyway. . ."
"Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because you already touched me. . ." Tegan looked sick. The colour had drained from her face. "When I tell you, you're going to want to take another shower. . ." The tears started again.
"Nothing you are going to say can change. . . anything. . ." Jamie said, taking one of Tegan's icy hands and squeezing it. Tegan winced again, but didn't pull away. "God, you're so cold. . ." She rubbed Tegan's hand, warming it in hers. Tegan shook her head.
"You're sweet," Tegan said. "I need a drink."
"No, you don't."
"I need about six, actually, to tell you this," she said, with a bitter laugh, wiping her face again with the towel, forcing herself to be calm. Jamie just waited, rubbing her hand gently.
"Okay," Tegan said again, exhaling hard. "I've been. . . I mean, for a long time I've felt like. . . I haven't been normal.I mean. . . Sara and I haven't. . ." She was trembling again. She closed her eyes tight. "Sara. . . she's my sister," Tegan said, looking at Jamie with wide eyes. Jamie met her eyes, calmly.
"Right," Jamie said gently to this non-sequitur. Tegan's tears intensified. " Hey. . ." Jamie said as Tegan put her face in her hands again, struggling not to cry.
"Ohhhh my God," Tegan murmured into her hands. "She's my sister and I've. . . we've been. . . God!" She started trembling again, doubled over with face in her hands. Jamie put a hand on her back and waited, torn. Tell her? Don't tell her? Either way seemed like a mistake. Neither way could eliminate the pain she was in, and both seemed equally dangerous. .
"Tegan," Jamie said, gently stroking Tegan's back, "I think I know what you want to tell me and. . . I don't think. . . um. . . I think you can't help. . . who you fall in love with."
There. The words sat heavily in the air between them. Tegan sat upright, met Jamie's eyes. Her mouth opened and closed.
". . . what?"
"I saw you, Tegan. . ." Jamie said uncertainly, beginning to doubt her decision. Her voice was gentle, but Tegan looked stricken; her mouth open, eyes wide, ashen faced. Even her lips were pale. She said nothing, and Jamie could see her searching, grasping for an answer. She's hoping we're talking about two different things, Jamie thought, pained.
"What. . . what did you see?" Tegan asked hoarsely, her voice tense, edgy, her eyes wide, wild.
"I saw you and Sara. . . in the hotel. . . in bed. . ." Jamie said, forcing the words out despite her overwhelming desire not to say them..
"Oh my God," Tegan said, a hand over her mouth. "Oh fuck. . ." She got quickly to her feet and hurried to the bathroom.
"Tegan-" Jamie said after her, aching with her. The door slammed before Jamie got there. Inside, the unmistakable sound of retching. Jamie's stomach twisted, turned. She stood outside the bathroom door, heart racing. How much more of all of this can my heart stand? she thought.
"Tegan. . ." Retching, coughing within. An anguished sob. Jamie hesitated. What is the correct protocol for entering the bathroom of a rock star you've just slept with after finding out that she's been sleeping with her twin sister too and is inside, vomiting? The absurdity of it all would have been amusing if her stomach weren't tied into a very tight knot. The sickening sounds within had stopped, and now there was silence. "Tegan, I'm opening the door, okay?"
She opened the door. Tegan sat on the floor, leaning back against the tub. She looked green; she was taking the panicked breaths of the near-hysterical. Jamie dropped to her knees next to Tegan and put her arms around her.
"Noooooo don't touch me; I'm disgusting!" Tegan sobbed, struggling frantically to escape from Jamie's embrace. "Oh God. . ."
"You're not," Jamie said, holding her.
"No, I'm a monster!" Tegan cried, pushing against Jamie's shoulder. Jamie didn't move.
"You're not," she said again.
"God, you don't understand!" Tegan said. "I fucked my own sister. . ." Her lips twisted into a sick grimace. "More than once."
"That's not what I saw," Jamie said quietly, as Tegan stopped struggling, lay her head back against the edge of the tub and covered her eyes with her forearm, still taking shallow, shaky breaths.
"What did you see?" she asked bitterly. Jamie shrugged, stroked Tegan's cheek with her fingers, brushing her hair back from where the tears had caused it to stick to her face.
"Love," she said. Tegan shook her head again, sighed deeply.
"You must feel so dirty now," Tegan said, nearly whispering.
"No."
"You wouldn't have. . ."
"I knew, and I'm still here with you," Jamie said. Tegan shook her head slowly, eyes still covered.
"It's so. . . wrong. . ." Tegan murmured helplessly.
"I knew and I still. . . loved you," Jamie added. Tegan's arm dropped from her eyes and she looked at Jamie. Her eyes were so red, so sad.
"I'm sorry you love me," she said with a pained smile. Jamie tried to smile back, torn.
"I'm sorry you love Sara," she said. Tegan snorted, closed her eyes.
"The word is like. . . it's. . ." Tegan's sigh was thick and heavy.
"Not enough?" Jamie offered.
"Yeah," Tegan said, and she began crying again, but this time she didn't push Jamie away as arms encircled her and held her on the cold tile floor next to the toilet. "God, I'm fucking sick, it's sick. . ."
"You're okay. It's okay." Jamie repeated, soothingly, as she held onto her, and, to her surprise, telling Tegan she was okay was the last step towards Jamie convincing herself of it. She tenderly wiped away Tegan's tears with her fingers.
Eventually, slowly, she helped Tegan to her feet and guided her back to her bed for a second time that night. Jamie gently helped Tegan under the covers and then followed her, curling up on her side behind Tegan, wrapping her arms around her tightly and hugging her to her chest, conjuring what felt like very distant memories of Tegan on stage, laughing and talking about spooning. Shhhh... she whispered again into Tegan's still-damp hair. Shhhh... Tegan's sobs gradually subsided into whimpers, and then hiccups, as Jamie held her protectively, staring into the darkness until there was quiet.
My life. Not real.