Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the lyrics used in this story.
"You're a lover, I'm a runner, and we go round and round. And I love you but I leave you, I don't want you but I need you. Ya know it's you that calls me back here baby."
from- 'Colder Weather'
Rachel opened her eyes wide as soon as the alarm went off the next morning, eager to start the day. In their sleep they must have tossed and turned quite a bit, because they were no longer curled up together. Rather, his head was resting on the far edge of his pillow, his mouth hanging slightly open towards her. His bottom half however was stretched toward her, his knees and calves entwined with her own. She smiled at the connection, leaning forward to wipe away the slight drool from the corner of his mouth with a fingertip. He was too adorable for his own good, hers too.
"Good morning Finny" she whispered, leaning over to place a sweet kiss to his forehead. She moved her lips gently all over the skin of his cheeks, his nose, and even his eyelashes until he finally started to move.
"Huh?"
"I said good morning babe. We should probably start getting ready" she continued, placing one final peck lips before swinging her legs over the side of the bed. "I'm going to take a shower first, then it's yours, okay?"
"Uh, yeah...sure" he mumbled, now sitting up in the bed with the sheets bunched around his waist. His hair was sticking up in every which direction, and he had a slight red tint to the side of his face that had rested on the pillow.
"Great. You should go ahead and start packing your stuff back up. Will is probably going to come for us in the next forty five minutes or so, we don't wanna be that late couple and get talked about" she giggled, closing the door on him to go into the bathroom.
Had she really just said that? Couple? She cringed slightly at the thought, well aware that he hadn't actually told her that he wanted to date her yet. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have said that. She said it jokingly enough though, right? Surely it was no big deal. Besides, just the night before he had showed monumental growth in her eyes, willing to wait on her, and even consciously cuddle together, something he said he'd never done before. It made her heart flutter to know that she was the first, and she hadn't forgotten either that Finn 'never went back for seconds'. She beamed to herself as she thought about all of the progress, his smile, the way he held her, their budding relationship. Her almost boyfriend.
"Everybody ready" Will asked, loading the last of the bags into the spacious back of the van. She immediately thought of she and Finn's banter from the night before. It didn't seem like such a silly idea anymore, part of her wanted to throw him back there herself and take advantage of him. It had taken insane will power to not give in to her physical desires last night, but she knew it was for the best.
Shaking her head of the inappropriate thoughts she reached out for his elbow, linking her arm through it as they waited to board the van. Rachel looked around at her fellow teammates, each of them with their eyes drooped low, slumped over slightly. Even Blaine wasn't his usual put together self, his hair not as shiny and in place as usual, his cheeks slightly flushed. Things must have taken a turn for the wild after they left last night. Her assumptions were proved when she turned around to see Puck approaching from the back, dark rims around his eyes but a huge smile on his face.
"Tennessee, is freaking awesome" he mumbled, stepping past them to climb into the van. She rolled her eyes at her barely sober friend, wondering how he even managed to get here himself. Maybe Tina helped, despite her disheveled appearance, she seemed to be the most sober. She turned her attention back to Finn though, eager to embark on the long ride and potential cuddle time ahead.
"Isn't this the part where you push me in and attack me" Rachel joked, giving his arm a squeeze.
"Ha" Finn laughed, gently removing his arm from her grip. He then held his hand out for her though, helping her to climb up into the van. Instead of climbing in after her as she'd hoped however, he moved out of the way to let Tina and Mike in, then climbed into the front passenger seat.
Rachel's face sunk as she watched him climb up into his seat, never looking back at her. Blaine climbed in beside her then, dropping his head over onto her shoulder.
"I'm dying" he moaned, dropping his head onto her shoulder. In spite of her anxious feelings toward Finn, she grinned at her friends tone.
"Let me guess, they got you drunk?"
"Never, ever, ever trust Puckerman" he whispered, nodding his head. "Why are you so blurry? Does the sun seem brighter here than at home? I need to get home. Kurt's gonna be so pissed" he rambled, sliding down in his seat until his head rested in Rachel's lap. He turned his face into her side, guarding his eyes from the light of the sun. She giggled aloud at him, slapping a hand over her mouth when he groaned, mumbling about it being too loud.
"Does anybody have any aspirin, or anything" Rachel whispered aloud, looking up at Finn and Will.
"I already gave them all some, maybe it'll kick in soon" Tina answered from the back, holding an already passed out Mike against her shoulder. "Men" she continued, shaking her head slightly.
Rachel smiled back at her friend, hoping that she was right. Puck too now was stretched out in the seat behind her, curled up with the seat belts tangled around him, his lips wrapped around his thumb. Quickly pulling her phone out of her pocket, she snapped a few pictures.
"Finn, look" she giggled, holding the screen out to him. He turned his head, a wide smile stretching across his face when he took it in.
"Ha, classic" he chuckled before turning back to talk to Will.
She sighed, unsure how to feel about his shady behavior before Blaine started to snore from her lap. Rachel brought a hand down, softly patting his back as she laid her own head against the back of the seat. As much had changed over the course of this trip, she was on her way home with the same thought she had coming there: this was going to be a long ride.
Brittany and Santana were waiting in Brittany's car for her when they finally made it back to the school that night. She waved to them as she waited for her now much more sober friends to retrieve their things from the back. Finn stood in front of her, tormenting her with the way his muscles flexed as he lifted their things out, passing them to their respective owners.
"Here you go Rach" he said, pulling out her bag and setting it on the ground at her feet. "Even if I didn't already know it was yours, I could've guessed by how heavy it is. What did you pack midget, rocks?"
"I blame Kurt" she smiled, grabbing the handle. "So...it's good to be back home, huh" she asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she stared up at him. It was odd, feeling like she should be able to reach up and kiss him, but feeling some sort of block between them.
"Yeah, Tennessee was fun though."
"It was. Do you, have any plans for the rest of your night" Rachel said, looking up at him through her lashes, hoping he would catch on to what she wanted.
"Not really. Go back to the apartment and get Puck's ass taken care of. Try to convince Kurt to come do laundry" he grinned, lifting his own bag out. He then lifted hers from the ground. "Where do you want it?"
Rachel smiled at the chivalrous act then waved goodbye to all of her teammates, giving Puck and Blaine quick hugs before leading him in the direction of Brittany's car. "You can always come hang out with me" she offered.
"I don't know if I'd have time, it's pretty late too."
"Oh, right of course. Well maybe tomorrow night" she asked hopefully, pausing to look up at him, hoping her puppy dog face would make him cave.
"I, um...I don't know...maybe, if I"m not, I mean if I don't have any work to do" he rambled, and just the way his hands started fidgeting with the bags she knew that he would be anxiously rubbing his neck if he could. She could see it, he was back in flight mode.
"Finn, stop it" she whispered, tugging on his arm. "What's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"Don't, don't give me that, not this time Finn. What happened to last night? What happened to the sweet guy who kissed me, and held me close, and told me that he would wait for me, huh?"
"I, Rachel. Look-" he started, peering around him to see if anyone was looking, avoiding eye contact with her.
"No Finn" she said, taking a step closer to look him directly in the eye. "Don't give me some bullcrap excuse this time, we're past that. Just talk to me" she pleaded, knocking the bags from his hands to clasp them in her own.
"I don't know what you want from me Rach" he cried, bringing his hands up to rub his temples, his eyes pinching shut. "This is all...so freaking weird to me, and I'm just really confused in my head right now."
"Confused about what? About your feelings? Because it certainly seemed like you knew what you wanted" she said, balling her hands up into fists at her sides. "Or was all of that a game? Were you just toying with me because I was there? Enjoying my company because I made you feel good" she whispered, hating herself for the words the second she saw the hurt cross his eyes.
"What? No Rachel, how could you even think that? You know I care about you, I've shared more of myself with you than I have any other girl, hell any other person really!"
"Then why Finn? Why are you running from me? Why can't you just let this happen" she urged, fighting the tears in her eyes.
"I...Rachel, you don't understand. I don't...I don't do this" he whispered, enunciating each word as if it was a foreign concept. I'm not lying to you when I say I'm confused. I'm really...scared" he breathed, looking down at the toes of his shoes.
"And you don't think that I am" she cried incredulously, throwing her hands up in the air. "I'm terrified of this Finn. I feel for you, like I've never felt about anyone in my life. That night, in my dorm room, you broke my heart in a million pieces" she whispered, a traitor tear falling down her cheek. He finally looked down at her then, the sadness clear in his deep brown eyes. "After that, I was a mess. I was so scared, and so confused, but I pulled it together, and I never gave up on you. Do you know why? Because I love you Finn" she breathed, the weight lifting off of her shoulders to finally breathe the words. It felt like a confession, the best kind of therapy to finally get it all out of her system.
"You...love me" he whispered, his eyes widening as the words passed through his lips.
"I loved you then, and even more so now. And that was before I even really knew you, knew how big a heart you had, how deep you were" she continued. "I know you're not a bad person Finn, I know that you've had your problems in the past, and trust me when I say I know how confusing and scary this is. But we are worth it" she urged, reaching up to cup his face in her hands. "I know you care about me too Finn, you might even love me. So please, don't fight this. We can do it, together, I know we can. You just have to have some faith in us, in love" she pleaded for a final time, peering up at him.
"I don't know if I can...I don't know if I'm ready" he whispered, taking the hand holding his face in his own, squeezing it before bringing it down. "You've spent so much time caring for me, and I'm not even worth it."
"That's where you're wrong Finn" she said, taking a deep breath. She knew what she had to do, and it broke her heart, but there was no other way to make him see, to save herself. "You are worth it, but so am I. I love you Finn, and I probably always will, but I just can't do this anymore."
"Wha- what?"
"Let me know if you ever realize it" she whispered, leaning up on her tiptoes to press a gentle, lingering kiss to his cheek. "Maybe it won't be too late."
She would never forget the tortured expression on his perfect face, but with that Rachel turned on her heel, snatching her bag up from the ground and sprinting the rest of the way to the car. As soon as she shut the door behind her, the tear gates broke. She sobbed aloud, allowing the emotions to wrack through her as she curled against the back seat. Santana crawled over the console and into the back seat as Brittany started the car up and started to pull out of the dark parking lot. She wrapped her arms around Rachel's trembling form, pulling her close against her chest, wiping the hair out of her face.
"It's okay Rachel, it's going to be okay" she whispered, wiping away the tears as they fell. "Tell us everything."
It had been a week, the longest week of Rachel's life, since that night. Following Tana's orders, she cried all night long, sharing the whole story with her two friends over chocolate ice cream, sparkling grape juice, and Mamma Mia. To her pleasant surprise, Santana didn't judge her, or make fun of her in any way. She kind of wished she had shared with them earlier, their unfailing support felt so good, and they were really all she had now.
All week she had ignored everyone from The Playground, even Puck sometimes. She avoided the University Center itself like it was a plague, for fear of running into him. Finn had sent her a few funny text messages and pictures, and even called a few times, trying to get her to talk to him, it was going to take a hell of a lot more than a phone call, or clever text message for that though; her heart still ached. She still loved Finn, there was no denying that, but this time it was going to be him who did the work. He would come to her, he could do the fighting and planning. She had done her part.
She looked down at her phone, seeing that Puck was calling. He must have at least somewhat heard about what had happened, because the last few times she had talked to him he had been pleading Finn's case. She almost ignored the call, but at the last minute decided to answer.
"What do you want Noah, and don't say for me to talk to Finn."
"Nice to talk to you too Rachel, yeah my day's going great" he said brightly, making her crack a grin. "I'm not calling to ask you to talk to Finn, I'm actually delivering a message from the team, you know, your friends. The ones you've neglected."
"Continue" she sighed, rolling her eyes at the phone.
"Well, you know we had a lot of sponsors on campus, different frats and sororities, and organizations that were backing our trip. Since we did so good, and we're going to Nationals we're supposed to appear at some event in the U.C to thank all of them and shit."
"I had no idea. When is our appearance?"
"Thirty minutes. You would know that if you came to the meetings. Now get presentable" he scolded through the phone before hanging up.
Rachel jumped up, whirling around her room in a hurry. She had no idea who any of these people were they were appealing to, but she had to admit that she was thankful for them, what their team had accomplished really was no small feat. In the back of her mind she knew that Finn would be there too, sharing space with her for the first time in forever, but she would deal with that when the time came.
Walking into the U.C approximately thirty minutes later, dressed in the most casually elegant wardrobe she could pull together on such short notice, Rachel could clearly see the space set aside for the event. However, there was hardly anyone there besides a pale boy with a very large fro, two girls wearing matching sorority shirts, a very skinny boy who looked stoned, and a sharply dressed Finn, standing behind a mic stand.
He offered her a bright smile, instantly reaching up to straighten the grey tie around his neck. Her own face remained impassive as she turned away from him. Her breath caught in her throat, and her heart started galloping the second she laid eyes on him, almost as if it were trying to get to him, but she wouldn't let him see that. She quietly scanned the room for her other friends. Finding none, besides Puck standing beside the P.A system with an apologetic smile, it hit her.
She had been played.
She turned around quickly with a roll of her eyes, intent on storming out of the U.C, when "Rachel, wait!" came through the speakers, catching both hers, and the attention of other stragglers in the large room.
He stepped down from the small stage, quickly making his way over to her. She placed her hands on her hips, taking a deep breath to steady herself. She could already tell this was going to be a battle from the pleading expression in his beautiful brown eyes.
"What is this Finn?"
"I need you to hear me out Rach" he said, clutching the microphone tightly in his hands. "You once told me, that you loved me, and that if I ever realized how I felt about you, to let you know. Well...I do" he said, holding the microphone out to the side as he stared at her, awaiting her response. She nodded stiffly, allowing him to continue. "You can probably tell by the way my hands are shaking, and the sweat on my forehead that I'm scared out of my mind right now, but I'm here...I'm not running. Will you stay, and listen?"
Rachel only nodded, the words failing her when the smile lifted his face, his eyes twinkling at her. She took a seat in the closest chair to her, eager to hear what he was going to say. She didn't expect for music to start playing though, making her heart completely stop for a second.
"I'd like to dedicate this song to Rachel Berry, the most amazing person I've ever met. I hope you can forgive me" he said, just as the song registered in her mind. The tears immediately sprung to her eyes when he opened his mouth, an angels voice coming through the speakers.
I'm so glad you made time to see me, how's life?
Tell me how's your family, I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever. Small talk, work and the weather.
Your guard is up and I know why. Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die.
So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.
I go back to December all the time. It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I go back to December all the time.
These days I haven't been sleeping, staying up playing back myself leaving.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about Summer all the beautiful times, I watched you laughing from the passenger side,
and realized I loved you in the Fall. And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind.
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye.
So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.
I go back to December all the time. It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right.
And how you held me in your arms that September night, the first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking. Probably mindless dreaming,
but if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't. So if the chain is on your door, I understand.
But this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night..And I go back to December.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine. I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright. I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind. I go back to December all the time.
By the last note, he was standing directly in front of her, his sad eyes boring into her tear filled ones. She didn't even care that there were tear tracks running down her cheeks, or that her face was probably swollen and red. She didn't even care about the large crowd that had gathered around over the course of the song, now applauding loudly.
Finn didn't seem to be aware either, they might as well have been alone. His eyes stayed glued to her, waiting for her reaction. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and took a deep breath when she was sure she could speak again.
"I don't...I'm not sure what to say Finn."
"I thought the song pretty much said it all" he said, his eyebrows scrunching together slightly before he shook his head. "I've had a lot of time, to just think about what my life's like without you, ya know? And I've been miserable. I miss your voice, and your eyes, and the way you get me. I miss spending time with you, and just talking to you about nothing" he confessed, taking her hands in his own. "I was talking with some of the guys about Nationals, and all I could think about was the fact that you might not be there with me, by my side where you belong. I want you, no I need you to be with me Rachel. I want you to sit on the sidelines, smiling that beautiful smile, making everything okay again" he breathed, his eyes glazing over slightly. "And I want to go to your recital for class with flowers, and clap louder than anyone else there. I wanna go to every show you ever perform in, and anything else you do, because I want to be by your side too. That's where I belong."
Rachel stared quietly, her heart shattering and healing all at the same time as she took in his words. It was everything she had wanted to hear for so long.
"How do I know you're serious Finn? Your song was truly amazing, I'm so proud of you, and happy that you feel that way. But how do I know that you won't run away again? That when things get tough, or complicated that you won't get scared, or give up?"
"Take a chance on me Rach" he pleaded, squeezing her hands in his grip gently. "I know, taking so long to realize what was right in front of me was shitty, and I don't deserve it by any means, but I'm asking you too. You had faith in us once, in me, do you think you can again" he breathed, cupping her face in his large hands, tilting it up to peer down into her eyes longingly. "I know I messed things up, but I'd do anything for one more chance."
"Well" she started, unable to fight the genuineness in his gaze, in his entire demeanor. His dazzling smile graced his face, bringing a matching one to her own. She brought a hand up to cover his, leaning into his palm and reveling in the contact as she spoke again. "I suppose you could start...by taking me on a proper date."
Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed! And NO this is not the last chapter, don't worry!