Author's Note: Hey guys! I am SO SORRY that it took so long to get this to you. Life *seriously* got in the way… not to mention the fact that this is the LAST CHAPTER of "It's a Heart Attack That You Feel," so it took forever for me to get this chapter to sound right. Before you all cry, though, it's okay because I am WELL into writing the SEQUEL to this story, and will hopefully get the first chapter to you in less time than it took to get this one up! I promise that somehow, the sequel is even more insane than the original!
Next check this out: /9modbt9. And this: /9re4hrj. (Put "tinyurl dot com" before the backslash of each link, for some reason it won't let me post the whole link) I'm just saying.
And finally, recommended listening for this chapter (the "soundtrack," if you will ;) is a song by "Jamie's" brother, lol (he's actually got a few good songs, you should check them out) which you can listen to here: /95qrykt. And the lyrics are here, they're pretty awesome: /9cqqrvz.
Okay, enough of that, on with this show. I love, love, love your feedback, as always. See you in the sequel!
Chapter 16: It's A Heart Attack That You Feel
The last few days in Vancouver were much less eventful than the first. Sara and Tegan started speaking again, in a way that was comfortingly more familiar to Jamie, but the fact that they all knew what the situation was had somehow made them shy; the twins still seemed to avoid touching each other completely, at least in front of Jamie. The three of them sorted through the footage; they went to a couple of movies; they cooked together and ate together and even managed to laugh occasionally. Tegan and Jamie continued sleeping together in the same bed, in the same room, with the unspoken agreement that it was simpler than trying to change anything at that point. They slept, and whispered late in the night, and cuddled together in their sleep, but Sara's presence made anything more seem somehow so inappropriate to Jamie. Tegan was much less of a wreck than she'd been in Sara's absence; Sara's presence, it seemed to Jamie, was like a salve. This was a relief with a sting built into it. She knew how true her words to Sara had been, but it didn't make it hurt any less. She'd woken up from the dream and was spending these last few days trying to get used to the ache of being awake again.
Sara was also in the habit of occasionally leaving Jamie and Tegan alone to talk. And they talked, in an easy intimate way that they had recently found. On their last night in Vancouver, Sara had gone out with an old friend, ostensibly to see a movie, leaving Tegan and Jamie alone. Jamie knew she needed that time to get all of her clothes and things together and pack up in preparation for returning to the bus. They did laundry, folded clothes, and packed their bags in a comfortable silence. When Jamie slipped the last pair of socks into her suitcase, Tegan came and glanced over her shoulder.
"Wow, impressive," she said, looking over the fastidiously organized contents of Jamie's suitcase.
"I learned it from Shaun," she explained.
"No, I mean, damn, you have a lot of Tegan and Sara shirts. . . " Tegan grinned at her, and she snorted.
"Yeah well, I'm not buying any more," Jamie said haughtily, and Tegan laughed.
"No. Free t-shirts for life." Tegan went back to her own packing and, as Jamie slowly zipped up her bag, she felt the tightness returning to her chest. Not again, not now, no! She struggled with herself. Keep your shit together. You can cry when she's asleep, she told herself, lifting the bag and setting it on the floor next to the bed. Tegan was in the bathroom gathering up toothpaste, shampoo; Jamie sank down onto the bed, wondering what she could do to keep busy, to keep her mind occupied, to keep her thoughts away from the dark fog gathering around the edges of her mind. Was it worth it? she asked herself. Was it worth it to get that close just to lose it all again. . .
Tegan came back in and sat down on the bed next to her.
"Hey," she said with a gentle smile, placing a hand on Jamie's back. "You okay?" Don't you fucking make me cry, Tegan Quin, with your fucking sweet eyes.
"Um, yeah. Why?" she asked with an unconvincing smile. Tegan looked like she would answer but hesitated, and smiled again.
"There are so many things I want to say to you," Tegan said after a pause, her eyes crinkley, smiling kindly. Jamie's heart clenched, her throat swelled again.
"Yeah. . . me too," she said in a tight voice. They looked at each other for a moment, and when Jamie felt the redness of her eyes becoming obvious and looked down, Tegan moved her hand to Jamie's knee.
"Well, one thing I really want to say is thank you," Tegan said. "I really needed. . . I would have been a fucking mess without you these past few weeks. . ."
"You were a fucking mess with me," Jamie said, attempting to laugh.
"True," Tegan said, her eyes on Jamie's, leaning in so that her right shoulder touched Jamie's left, and, side by side on the bed, their legs touched, too. "But I would have been an evenbigger mess." Jamie was looking down at her thigh next to Tegan's, her socked feet swinging closer to the floor than Tegan's; she could see Tegan's eyes on her. She couldn't meet them, though. Not without losing it entirely. "The other thing I wanted to say was I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I've. . . caused you any pain. . ." Jamie shook her head, swallowed. "Because, you know, part of me feels like I was selfish. . . and, yeah, I think I was selfish." Jamie wanted Tegan to go on so that she wouldn't have to say anything herself. Her mouth was a floodgate that she didn't want to open. She just shook her head again. "But, you know," Tegan said quietly, "I'm kind of glad I was selfish because I had. . . being with you here and. . . I. . ." she paused, tucking a bit of Jamie's hair behind her ear again. "You really are a sweet, sexy motherfucker."
"Ha," Jamie said as it became harder to breathe, "thanks." She stared down at her hands in her lap. A year ago if someone had told me you would ever say that to me. . . She thought, blinking quickly, and forced herself to take a deep breath. "But I, um. . . I was selfish too. . . I mean, I knew why you were so upset, when we got here, and I didn't, I. . . still let you. . ." Tegan gave her a sad grin.
"You couldn't have stopped me if you tried," she said cheekily.
"I did try!" Jamie said with a shaky laugh. "But maybe I should have tried harder. . ."
"Hey, no. . ." Tegan said softly, joking but not. "I'm glad you didn't. . ."
"I mean, for Sara," Jamie continued, "I just, I've never felt so terrible, or so guilty. . . when she came back. . ."
"She's okay, though," Tegan comforted her, "it's okay. I mean, it's not like she can break up with me. . ." She laughed awkwardly.
"But I just," Jamie struggled to keep going before she lost her nerve, "I. . . couldn't. You, when you. . . I. . ." Keep it together! she chastised herself. Come on. . . She took another deep breath. "I've heard you talk, so many times. . . So many times! About, um. . . about, like, loving someone, so much, that you can't have, and how it, like, destroys you. . ." Her breaths were getting shallower and shakier, despite her best efforts. "But I don't think you know how. . . I don't think you understand. . . what it's like to love someone, so, like. . . painfully, that you can't just. . . that you can't even touch. Or hardly talk to, you know? That you have to. . . pay just to see. And to, like, have people tell you that you're crazy. . . that you couldn't. . . you couldn't. . . possibly love someone you don't even know." Tegan watched her, concerned, the vertical crease in her forehead returned. She looked serious, earnest, sad. "But that's what they, like, don't understand, is that's what's hardest, that you don't get to know. You don't get to know that person, um, you don't, like. . . know who they really are when they're alone, what they really think about you, or, um, about anything. . . if they're someone you could have loved. . . you're cut off before that. You don't even get the chance, you know? Maybe, you know, it would never have worked out anyway. But, like, you don't even get to find out." She felt like she was starting to ramble, but now that she'd started, she didn't think she could stop. "But you. . . I. . . I never. . . I never felt like I didn't know you, you know? I mean, in some stupid way, like, just a little bit, I felt like, Iwas you. When you, um. . . how you smiled, like, in front of everyone, when it felt like you were so sad. How you loved people, so desperately, even when it was, like, hopeless. How much you wanted that kind of love. And like, everything you said, in your songs, it felt like I could have said it. It didn't. . . it all made me. . love you so much that it hurt. It made me want to see you, whenever I could, even if that was the closest I could ever get. Even if it, like, tore me apart, every time I did. I mean, it made me do crazy, insane things that no normal person would ever do. And you know," she laughed a little as the first tears rolled down her cheeks, "I loved you most because, um, I think. . . I felt like. . . if you had been me. . . you would have done the same thing." She hastily wiped the tears off of her face as Tegan watched her, intensely, the sad grin returning for just a moment as she nodded slightly. "And I mean, it's so stupid, but the whole, 'It's better to have loved and lost' thing, I mean, um, I think they're wrong. . . because once you know how things can be, like, how theycould be, I mean. . . well then, um. . . then after that you just have to learn how to live with them being, like. . . not that. Less than that. And I, um. . . I knew. . . I never thought. . . you would ever be with me. I never thought that. But it never made me, um, not. . . love you. Nothing did. Because I tried." The tears kept coming, and she pushed them away with one hand as Tegan took her other hand and started to stroke it gently. The sweet gesture made Jamie's chest ache more intensely and her eyes sting even more painfully as Tegan ran her thumb over the back of Jamie's hand. "And so maybe, I should have, um, stopped you, for me. . . so that I wouldn't. . . I wouldn't. . . um. . ." she swallowed and struggled to breathe as Tegan waited and began to gently touch Jamie's hair. ". . .so that I wouldn't know what it's like, um. . . to have. . . to have, um. . . the thing that you want more than, um, anything else, and, um, then to not have it." There was silence for several seconds and Tegan continued to stare at her intensely, a pained expression on her face as she kept stroking Jamie's hair.
"I'm so sorry," Tegan whispered, "I'm so, so sorry. . ."
"No. . ." Jamie gulped, shaking her head as she roughly wiped away more tears, "it isn't, it's not your fault. It's not. It's nobody's fault, like. . . that you. . . feel how you feel. . . and I. . . you never asked for me to feel this way. It's just. . . it sucks. The world sucks."
"Yeah," Tegan laughed sadly, "that's like, the understatement of the century, isn't it?" She moved one hand back to Jamie's knee, squeezed it softly. She took a breath. "I'm. . . I don't, um. . . I mean. . ."
"No," Jamie shook her head again, "it's okay, I mean, it's okay. . . I know. . . I mean, I know things can't. . . um. . . be the way they have been between us. . . this week. . . I mean, I know. I know. . ." Jamie took a deep breath as Tegan's watched her. "But I just want you to. . . just remember it sometimes, okay? I mean, like, remember this week and. . . remember me and. . ." She tried to swallow the sob before it formed but it came anyway.
"Ohhhh Jamie," Tegan said, her voice a soft protest. She was quiet for several moments, watching Jamie's face. ". . .I care about you, a lot, you know? I mean, more than you know. No one has ever. . . I never thought anyone. . . could like. . . could be for me what you've been. I mean, I never thought anyone could know about. . . what you know. . . and like, still love me. And still even like me. I don't think you know what that means to me, at all. . ." Tegan began to blink faster too as she pulled Jamie closer. "I don't know, like, where I'd be right now if it weren't for you. I don't. . . like. . . I don't know how much more I would hate myself. And I still. . . I need you. And that's so selfish too, but I do. . . And like, um. . . you don't have to stay, after everything that's happened I understand if you. . . can't or if, if you don't want to, but I hope you will, because I don't know how I'm going to. . . get through this without you, I don't. So of course I'll remember, I mean. . . God, there's no way I could forget. . . wow, no." She paused for a long moment, trying to decide. "And I know. . . I know it's not. . . I mean, I know it isn't the same. . . but I do," Tegan whispered, "I do love you." By then Jamie had stopped trying to stop crying. "Hey. . ." Tegan said wrapping both arms around Jamie as the dam burst. "Here, come here. . ." Tegan pulled Jamie to her chest as she sobbed, and they lay down together. "Go ahead and cry. It's kind of your turn," Tegan said gently, holding Jamie tight in both arms as she wept against the breast pocket of Tegan's flannel shirt. "Hey, you know. . ." Tegan said gently, her voice a murmur, vibrating through Jamie's body as she cried against her. "I'm so glad we found you in that alley. I'm so glad you got drugged in the hotel bar. . ." Tegan said with a small laugh. "I'm even glad you saw. . . Sara and me . . in the hotel room. I'm glad because now, you know, there's one person I can trust. . . one person who understands. . ." Jamie could no longer speak; every additional word Tegan spoke tore her heart open wider. Her body shook against Tegan's, a tree in a strong wind. "And I'm so glad you came with me here to Vancouver. . . I'm glad for what happened, because you made me feel. . . alive, again, when part of me was dying. . ."Tegan said this with a catch in her own voice. "And I'm so glad you're here now. And I'll be glad tomorrow when we're on the bus together. . . if you still want to be there. And if you do, I'll be glad every time I look down into the front of the crowd and you're there for me. And I'll be glad to know that you'll be down there for the show after that."
Tegan continued like that for a while, talking quietly about the things she was glad for. Jamie would always remember all the things that Tegan listed, but she couldn't add any of her own right then; all she could do was cry. She cried in Tegan's arms until she fell again into a deep and dreamless sleep.
. . . . .
Jamie clicked the fresh battery into place and switched the camera on, twisting the LCD around to get Ted fully into the frame. He sat at the dining table with a bowl of cereal in front of him. He gave her a broad grin.
"Happy to be back on the bus, Jamie?" he asked her as they rolled east towards Calgary.
"Absolutely. I was starting to get pretty tired of sleeping in beds and using flush toilets," Jamie said.
"Oh God, I know what you mean," Ted agreed, crunching his cereal. Johnny slid behind Jamie and sat down across from Ted. "Those things get pretty old, pretty fast."
"Right?" Jamie agreed. "I mean, seriously, what fun is a bed that doesn't vibrate?"
"You make a very good point," Ted said.
"How was Vancouver?" Johnny asked, prying the plastic cover off of a container of strawberries.
"Yeah, it was good," Jamie said lightly. "It rained a lot."
"Want a strawberry?" Jamie took one of Johnny's strawberries and bit into it.
"Mmmm," she said, pulling off the leaf at the top, and making eye contact with Ted, who raised his eyebrows inquisitively. Jamie mouthed the word later to him and he gave her a conspiratorial grin.
"Hey Jamie," said a voice from the back of the bus. "Come and watch the movie with us." The voice was Sara's. "It's the one I told you about. Mary Stuart Masterson plays the drums. . ." Sara's voice trailed off and Jamie walked to the back with her camera running, her eyes on the LCD. She peered around the corner and saw Sara sitting there with Tegan, on the sofa, side by side, with their feet up. They both had their eyes on the movie screen. Jamie sat down on the end of the sofa nearest Tegan and took a slow shot of their socked feet, side by side on the table, and their legs side by side, thighs touching. She zoomed slowly on Sara, as she lifted a hand and took hold of Tegan's thumb, and squeezed it in her fist, absently, her eyes on the screen. Jamie had her eyes on her own screen as she slowly panned from their hands, which were then clasped together, up to Tegan's face. At first, Tegan's eyes were on her hand and Sara's, with a half smile, soft eyes. But something, maybe, made her feel Jamie's eyes on her eyes, through the camera's screen, still and silent on her face. She looked up then, at the camera, and met Jamie's eyes there, through the lens. Tegan's eyes laughed again, crinkley. She gave Jamie a wink, and a broad smile. Jamie clicked the LCD screen closed, looked up at Tegan's eyes, and smiled back.
THE END OF PART 1