Chapter 6: And I Was Able to Concentrate
"This is seriously. . . I mean, I thought this was like, an urban legend or something. . ." Sara said, as Shaun handed her the sticky, melting mess in its styrofoam container.
"Oh my God, it's so good," Tegan mumbled around a mouthful of chocolate and caramel. "But it's like, hotter than the centre of the earth." She reached for Jamie's can of Coke.
"Do you want to try some?" Ted asked Jamie, who looked dubious.
"Why do these people feel the need to deep fry everything?" she laughed. "As if a Mars bar isn't bad enough, let's roll it in flour and fry it in oil."
"Oh totally," Ted agreed. "It's fucking delicious though. Shaun?"
"No thanks," he said, with a slight grimace. "My body's a temple."
"Then what's mine?" Ted asked him.
"Maybe like. . . a bowling alley?" Sara suggested. Ted snorted at her.
"You can talk, Miss Sour Cream and Onion Chips," he pointed out with a laugh.
"Hey, everyone has their vices," Sara replied, glancing at Johnny and the tensor bandage around his wrist. "I mean, just look at Johnny!"
Everyone did.
"Uh. . . why should everyone look at Johnny?" he asked.
"Well maybe if you could lay off the. . . self abuse. . . you wouldn't have a bandage on your wrist!" Sara said. Ted laughed, choking slightly on liquefied caramel.
"Oh, I don't think any of the other boys should laugh at that," Tegan put in.
"Why? Ted and I don't have Repetitive Strain Injury," Shaun said.
"You also don't play the drums!" Johnny protested. Jamie smiled at him, finding his embarrassment cute.
"Oh sure. Blame the drums," Sara said as Tegan stepped in front of Jamie.
"Seriously. Just try it," she said earnestly, holding the melting monstrosity up to Jamie's face. Tegan grinned, and Jamie took a bite. Her eyes widened as she looked at Tegan. "Right?"
"It's ridiculous that it even exists, but it's good," Jamie admitted, through a mouthful of goo.
"I wanted to try the-"
Tegan was distracted by the sudden proximity of two teenage girls who were eyeing them questioningly. At a quick glance, Jamie doubted they were fans.
"Hey," one of the girls said to Sara. "Aren't you in that band. . . the one with that song about a ghost?" she asked, and Sara smiled.
"Yeah, that's us," she said, gesturing around. The girls scanned the group and spotted Tegan.
"Oh yeah, I recognize you," said the shorter one with blonde hair and eyes that were too close together. "It's brilliant that you covered the White Stripes," she said, to a happy nod from her taller friend.
"Uh, well actually-" Tegan started.
"So are you all twins, then?" the tall one interrupted. Jamie and the boys stood quietly, amused by the interaction, waiting for Sara's patience to run out.
"Yeah, we are," Tegan said with a polite smile.
"I reckon people mix you up all the time," the short one said.
"I wish I had a twin," the tall one added.
"Well who doesn't? Built-in friend," Tegan said.
"Yeah. Someone to share everything with, including your face," Sara added.
"So like, I heard you were both. . . gay," the blonde one said, and Jamie thought for a second how weird it was that she was hesitant to ask and yet curious enough to ask regardless.
"That's right," Tegan said with a smile. The two girls looked at each other.
"Both of you?" the tall one asked, her blue eyes wide with surprise.
"Yep. Both of us, queer as a three dollar bill," Sara said. Ted snorted and gave Jamie a look as she grinned back at him.
"Isn't that, like. . . weird?" the tall one asked incongruously.
"Being gay? Totally," Tegan said with a smirk.
"I mean like, both of you. . ." the girl explained. Tegan raised an eyebrow and gave Sara an amused look.
"Well we are genetically identical so it would kind of be more weird if just one of us was gay, don't you think?" Tegan pointed out, to dubious looks from the girls.
"So like, I heard that you guys make out and things on stage. Is that true?" the short one asked; Jamie, shocked, looked at them, at Tegan, and back at the girls in disbelief.
"Jesus," Jamie breathed as Tegan reddened and Sara's jaw locked as she looked ready to tear out someone's throat, namely the blonde girl's.
"I think maybe this is the end of the conversation," Ted said, intervening.
"Well that's what people say, so-" the tall one started as Ted and Johnny maneuvered in between the girls and Sara.
"What a. . . what an. . . insane. . ." Sara stuttered, as Shaun put a hand on her shoulder.
"It was nice to meet you," Johnny said in a this conversation is over kind of way.
"Whatever. It was just a question," the blonde one shrugged, starting to walk away.
"Do you have a sister?" Shaun said after them. "Think of what you're saying."
The two walked away; the blonde one shrugged again and the tall one gave Sara a contemptuous look over her shoulder. Jamie met eyes with Tegan, who was too stunned to say anything.
"Holy fuck," Ted said in disbelief.
"How could they think it was okay to ask something like that?" Johnny asked in disbelief. "They would never ask a brother and a sister that."
"Yeah, like somehow being gay makes it okay?" Shaun mused.
"Or more likely? Seriously," Johnny added, and Jamie felt a tight knot in her stomach as Tegan made anxious eye contact with her. Make this conversation stop, her eyes seemed to say. Make it stop before they say anything worse.
"Well, happy birthday," Jamie said with a wry grin.
"Thanks," they both said back, simultaneously.
"Yeah, let's get you guys drunk and take advantage of you," Ted said with a laugh.
"Sounds awesome," Sara replied.
. . . . . . .
"Have you seen Tegan?" Sara asked later, as Jamie walked into the back room of the dark pub they had rented out for the party.
"Yeah," Jamie said, looking around at the group of people. "She's outside being accosted by fans."
"Accosted like. . . earlier?" Sara asked, reddening again and glancing down at the floor. You don't need to be embarrassed about it all the time, Jamie thought.
"No these are like, actual fans. The adoring type," Jamie said quickly.
"Oh, well, good."
"And only three of them. One of them was like, hyperventilating. . ." Jamie said with a laugh, "and the other two were babbling. Haha, I know exactly how they feel. . ." Sara gave her a grin.
"You never babbled," she said, and for a moment, Jamie was struck again with the unreality of it all.
"Oh God," she looked down and laughed nervously. "Thanks, I'm glad. . ."
When Tegan came back, she was in better spirits.
"They were sweet," she said to Jamie as they both went up to the bar to order a drink. Tegan glanced over at Sara, who was being hugged by their tour manager, their guitar tech, and Ted, all at the same time. "I thought one of them was going to have a stroke, though."
"Yeah, they all seemed pretty overwhelmed," Jamie said. Tegan ordered cider, and a cranberry juice for Jamie. "I remember how that feels." Tegan gave her a warm look.
"And look at you now," she said with a smile. Jamie snorted.
"Yeah, just look at me," she said, unable to keep the irony out of her voice. "Oh, hey," she said, remembering. She opened her bag and pulled out a small wrapped package. "Happy birthday," Jamie said, handing the package to a surprised Tegan.
"Oh, hey, nobody was supposed to. . ."
"Well, I know. But I. . . wanted to." Tegan smiled at her and hugged her. Jamie held her breath for a moment at the sensation of Tegan's warm body, arms around her, before putting her own arms around Tegan and returning the hug.
"Oooooh," Tegan grunted a little. "You're an awesome hugger." Tegan released her after a moment, one hand lingering on her arm, and Jamie waited for more words. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something," Tegan went on, and the sudden gravity gave Jamie a jolt.
"Oh, okay," she said, a little tense.
"Oh, it's okay. Ha, I shouldn't have said it like that. Can we sit?" Jamie chose a booth for them; Tegan was accosted and embraced by several more crew members before she reached the table. Jamie tweeted a happy birthday message to them and sipped her cranberry juice while she waited, and Tegan sat down next to her, turning to face her on the bench seat. Jamie felt a little jump in her stomach, and wanted to laugh at herself again.
"So, I just wanted to. . . check in," Tegan started. Jamie gave her a quizzical look.
"Check in?" she asked. She looked up at the thickening crowd. There were people she didn't recognize; members from one of the opening acts for the UK tour; Sara, being carried around on Shaun's back, had a plastic container of baked goods in her hand.
"Yeah, because. . . I. . . you've. . . seen us. . ." she started, seemingly losing steam when she was confronted with the actual fact of it. Jamie thought of helping, but waited. "You've seen us. . . I guess. . . I'm just worried that you might feel. . ." Tegan struggled, stopping and starting. She sighed.
"Go ahead," Jamie encouraged her.
"I don't want to hurt you," Tegan said, the words simple at the end. Jamie had been fine with where she had thought the conversation had been going, but those words, unexpected, brought a lump to her throat. "I mean, I don't know how you feel. . . seeing. . ." she trailed off. Jamie nodded, sipping some cranberry juice. Her mind argued with her over how much truth to tell.
"Well. . ." she started thoughtfully, her eyes dropping to Tegan's tree tattoo on the table in front of her, intensely remembering the other time that tree had been her comforting focal point when she was alone with Tegan. She turned a little, too, to face Tegan. "I can't lie. My feelings are. . . mixed," she said, with a little laugh, struggling to push down the lump in her throat. Don't cry! She told herself sternly. Not now! "But I really want you to be happy. I really do." Jamie gave her a reassuring smile. "But yeah, I mean, I think it's normal to feel a little bit. . ." Jamie shrugged, suddenly not satisfied with any of the adjectives she could put there. Tegan nodded. "I mean, you know. . ." her throat tightened suddenly, and the colour of her face changed to more closely resemble her drink. You know I love you.
"Maybe it would be better if. . . Sara and I. . . totally, like, cut out all the, um. . ." Tegan couldn't say it.
"No. . . no way," Jamie said, trying to smile., shaking her head. "You guys just. . . be yourselves.
I love it." Despite the ache in her chest, it was true. Tegan raised her eyebrows.
"You do?" she asked, surprised. Jamie nodded.
"Yeah, I mean. . . I'm. . . jealous, haha," she said with an anxious laugh. "For sure. But you guys, together, it's. . . um. . ." she stopped, feeling Tegan's warm eyes on her.
"It's what?" she asked, with an edge of hesitation.
"It's sweet," Jamie said, and paused, shrugging. "It's really sweet. . . And," she started with a mischievous grin, trying to lighten the mood while still telling the truth, "it's still. . . kind of. . . hot." Tegan bit her lip, shook her head.
"Really?" she asked doubtfully, and Jamie met her eyes, blushing slightly and nodding.
"Yeah."
"Why? I mean. . ."
"Well. . . obviously, because you're hot. And Sara looks just like you. So, therefore, it's like, hotness squared," she said with a laugh. Tegan laughed too.
"Is Sara hot?" Tegan asked, curious. Jamie snorted again because, under the circumstances, what a question.
"Yeah, definitely," Jamie affirmed. Tegan looked thoughtful, peeled the corner of the label off of her cider bottle.
"So then why. . . um, why me and. . . not. . . I mean. . ." she rambled as she focused on the bottle label, embarrassed by her own question. Jamie decided to help with the question this time.
"Well, you're not. . . clones," Jamie said.
"Well, we kind of are, technically," Tegan said with a laugh. Jamie smiled back but was at a loss for an answer to that question. Why Tegan and not Sara? "So it's funny for me. I mean, Sara's smarter than me. . . she's funnier. . . her songs are better. . ." Tegan said, shaking her head, and Jamie was surprised to hear all of that from her.
"Yeah. . . that may all be true," she said, teasing and pretending to think hard, and Tegan smirked.
"But you're. . . you." She finished softly, and sipped more juice in the silence. Tegan leaned in a little closer and pressed her lips against Jamie's shoulder. Jamie could feel her warm breath through the cotton of her shirt. Tegan gave her hand a squeeze and looked up, like she might say something, but stopped when Sara came over. She held the plastic container out to them.
"Cupcake?" she asked, sitting down across from them. Tegan reached for one.
"Where'd you get cupcakes?" she asked, handing one to Jamie and taking another.
"One of Shaun's local friends made them," Sara replied, pressing the lid back on.
"Are they good?" Tegan asked, peeling off the paper cup.
"Yeah. I've had two already," Sara said. "Hey Jamie, have you met Jeremy?" Jamie took a bite of the cupcake and shook her head, glancing over to where Sara was indicating. "Jeremy!" Sara waved him over, and he came over with a smile. Jamie looked up at him, tall, dark hair, pretty eyes.
"Jeremy, this is our videographer, Jamie," Tegan said. Jeremy extended a hand and Jamie took it. "We've been friends with Jeremy since junior high." Jamie noticed that Sara was grinning excessively. Tegan gave her a questioning look.
"Yep, I've known them since they were angry little boys," Jeremy said, taking a cupcake when Sara offered. Jamie detected a certain softness about him, and smiled.
"Haha, totally. Jeremy's been around for all of our ridiculous moments. Remember when I threw a chair at Trevor? Haha," Sara rambled, laughing. Tegan gave her a bemused look.
"Oh God, yes. But he deserved it," Jeremy said, as the tour manager, Chris, came by and touched him on the shoulder.
"Jeremy, help me with that case?" he asked.
"Oh, sure-"
"During the birthday party? No moving cases during the birthday party! We're having a party! Because we had a birthday!" Sara raved. "Our mother pushed us out of her v-hole twenty-eight years ago! That's worth celebrating!"
"We'll be right back," Jeremy said, and followed Chris outside.
"Jeremy's a really nice guy," Sara said to Jamie. "And Tegan totally turned him gay!" Tegan actually did a double-take.
"I. . . what?" Tegan asked, in disbelief, as Jamie gave them a surprised look.
"Oh, you didn't tell Jamie that Jeremy took your virginity? Tegan!" Sara was extremely amused by it all. Jamie glanced at Tegan's incredulous face.
"What the fuck, Sara-"
"You have to tell her! She has the right to know!" Sara said, half-serious.
"It's not that I wouldn't-"
"She's in the sex chain!" Sara cried out, seemingly finding this to be of great comedic value, because she doubled over, her forehead making contact with the table as she laughed.
"Oh wow," Jamie said, embarrassed, but suddenly quite curious to hear about Jeremy.
"The sex chain, Sara? Are you drunk?" Tegan asked, taking another cupcake and handing one to Jamie. "These are good."
"Yep," Sara went on, looking at Jamie. "Jeremy was Tegan's first. How old were you? Sixteen?" Sara turned to Tegan.
"Seventeen, and shut up," Tegan said with an incredulous glare at Sara. If you were seventeen, Jamie thought, that means that Sara was your first. . . When Jamie looked to Sara, something gave her the impression that Sara had just had the same realization; her look at Tegan went from cheeky, to surprised, to slightly sheepish.
"Okay well that's not totally accurate. . ." she mused thoughtfully. "I mean, I guess, technically, I was your first. . ."
"Jesus Christ, Sara! Seriously, what's wrong with you?" Tegan gasped, looking over at Jamie, whose mouth had dropped open.
"I mean, unless we're talking penetration, and then it would have been Jeremy because-"
"Sara. Sara. Stop. Hey," Tegan said, palms out. "Seriously. How much have you had to drink?"
"One pint. Why?" Sara asked, oblivious. Tegan took hold of the plastic tub full of cupcakes and pried the lid off. Bringing her face down close, she inhaled deeply, and looked up at Sara.
"Smell these," Tegan said, handing the container back to Sara, who sniffed, and looked up at Tegan, her eyes wide. She clapped one hand over her mouth.
"Oh no," she said, looking from Tegan to Jamie. "Oh, Jamie, oops! Hahaha wow, now we have yours!"
"My what?" Jamie asked, suddenly nervous, glancing sidelong at Tegan.
"Your virginity! Your brain's virginity, anyway! Hahaha!"
"Oh fuck," Tegan said as Jamie looked at her.
"My brain's. . . oh," she said, suddenly getting it, getting why they were smelling the cupcakes and why Sara seemed so willing to discuss such intimate things with them in the middle of their birthday party with two dozen people around.
"Shit, I'm sorry!" Sara said, shocked, but laughing. "Hahaha, damn. First you get roofied at the hotel bar and now. . . space cakes!" Tegan looked at Jamie reassuringly.
"It'll be fine. You'll be fine. I mean, in twenty or thirty minutes you're going to feel pretty high but. . . hahaha, I'm sorry," Tegan said, starting to laugh. "It's just so ironic."
"Haha, yeah, because it's the irony that's really the funny part here," Jamie said sarcastically.
"Well, they're in your body now, so you may as well just go with it! Ha! Not much else you can do!" Sara exclaimed. Jamie felt a little pang of anxiety.
"Okay but don't, like. . . leave me. . . somewhere, I mean. . ." Tegan looked at her and smiled.
"We won't. Don't worry."